You can't really MAKE someone love you

News flash: the only person I have control over is myself, and even that's questionable sometimes. So, I've met a new friend...who happens to be male. He, like myself, looks young. So I thought he was in his late twenties. But when he told me he was in his early thirties, twice, I knew he was fishing for my age. When I thought he was in his twenties I was not interested "in that way," and I knew I was definitely too old for him. Finding out that he was about five years older than I thought, I felt it was possible that I wouldn't mind going out with him, but that I might be beyond the range of what's comfortable for *him.* As I've gone out with someone twelve years younger before, eight years didn't seem impossible to me.

Ha.

So, we went on a non-date date thing, which, fortunately, I knew what it was beforehand. He politely asked me my age (though boys should never ask this). And I knew that by telling him the truth that the jig was up and he would lose all interest. Some people might suggest that I change the subject, refuse to answer, or just lie. That's not me. So I told him. He thought I was only three years older, which maybe he would have been able to handle (he's more comfortable dating down than up), but eight years might as well have been twenty.

So, even though we are probably highly compatible and apparently "cute" together, it doesn't matter one iota, whit, or at all. He's taken me out of the running. So, I'm fine being friends until one of us starts dating someone. There's an expiration date on this friendship and that's as it should be.

I haven't told my family about this because there's been nothing to tell. But now I have to. I went to a religious (yet funny) lecture last night and we went together for convenience' sake. Next time we'll invite more people so it doesn't look like we're a couple. But someone who's known me for almost all my life saw us. And she saw me acting as a friend. So before she left she felt the need to whisper in my ear--in front of him, I might add--that I need to go after this one. So I shook my head and said no. Then she felt the need to whisper again that we were adorable together and why don't I go for it? I shook my head again and said I'd tell her later. And what should I tell her? I'm too ancient for the young whippersnapper? That he'd be more comfortable dating my nieces than me? And as she might ask someone in my family about the boy, I thought I might mention it.

And why does anyone think I have any control whatsoever of another person's feelings? When you take physical intimacy out of the picture then seduction is kind of ridiculous and out of the question. So, then what? I can't manipulate him into liking me. First, it would be wrong to trick someone into dating me. Second, I wouldn't even begin to know how to do that. Third, even after all that he still wouldn't love me, not really. And I want a husband who consciously chooses me over all other women. I do not like being a backup plan. It's rather humiliating. I'm only good enough for you if you can't find anyone else to marry you, first? Gag me. And no way is that EVER happening.

For those of you that think I am being his friend for the sake of hoping he might like me in the future: well, I'm doing my best to squelch those feelings (because it's hard not to have them, no matter how futile they are). It's true that I have a slight infatuation, but I also know that my attraction is based more on who I think he might be or the potential of what he may become more so than who he actually is. Because I don't know him very well, yet. And it's silly to pine after a guy who is merely being nice and isn't encouraging me at all romantically. So I'm beating myself up about it and doing my best to keep thinking of him as Friend Only instead of Friend With Potential. It's working. I have a handle on it. But it takes self-control. And believing my head over my fall-for-anyone-nice heart.

So, here's a tip: don't ask the GIRL why she doesn't go for it--ask the boy. He has more control over who he ends up with than the girl does. It's not "fair," but what in life is? Feel free to tell him I'm a total catch and don't let me slip away or that we look cute together. I'd rather he be annoyed than me, anyway.

Portrait of Dee

I love to support my friends in their artistic endeavors. There's a girl I worked with who just quit to do photography full-time. And I recently met a boy who left his 8-5 job awhile ago also to pursue photography. I admire their bravery. I believe I've mentioned before that I didn't want to be a starving artist. It's true. But I *have* had to learn to live simply. Assistants don't make much. Especially artistic-type gals who used to have mini temper fits at work that haunt them for the rest of their non-move-uppable-careers.

I don't know about you, but I'm not always comfortable getting my picture taken. I'm larger than when I graduated high school and in my head I'm thinner than what I look like on film. But having joined a dating website and getting NO hits whatsoever, I felt I needed professional help of the photographic kind. So, I asked my former co-worker to take some photos for me. She is so nice! Really, she was great to work with. And she brought along a mutual friend who kept me laughing throughout the shoot. It's hard when you're self-conscious about how you look to others. I cried a little before we started taking pictures. What if the pictures don't attract any guys? What if my parents don't like any of them (since I was also trying to get pictures to send to family for Christmas [so, family, pick a pose and a size and I'll happily get something printed for you])? What if I break the camera? What if I don't photograph well? Or look like a beached whale?

I have a vivid imagination and it can get away from me. Great for thinking up story ideas...horrible for thinking about real life. And, really, the worst thing that happened during the shoot was a bee sting--which I wasn't allergic to. It's just itched for a few days. I posted a sampling of my new pictures online and tons of my friends have commented on them and how much they like them. It's rather overwhelming. But, I think, that people don't always go get their pictures taken when they're single, or even just being overweight might make them think twice before purposely presenting themselves in front of a lens. Taking a portrait of a family of one isn't always done. Sure, there are head shots, but that's for professional reasons. Or maybe you could be in love with the way you look and need pictures of yourself everywhere. However, I felt that I wanted some pictures that represented me, or the me that my family sees. If they want a picture, that is. Again, do you hang up pictures of your single sibs? But maybe we should? Perhaps I should ask my brother if he'll get *his* picture taken so we can trade for Christmas.

No matter what the outcome, though, of posting my new photos on the dating website, I have supported a friend with their dream. And I will recommend her to others because she's awesome (even if portraits isn't her main interest). She has a great eye and even made ME look good. I said it was the camera (when I really meant photographer). She said it was me. She's so sweet!!!!! So, L and R, thank you for the fabulous experience on Wednesday. I need to hang out with you gals more often!

Tired of Being "Strong"

I'm weary.

After the un-shocking removal of my coworker last week, I knew I could get through having to deal with both mine and her clients because a very capable and fabulous friend and coworker who had been absent for some time was back on the job. There was an end in site, with hopefully a better new employee on the horizon (which I know will take awhile, no matter how much they say they're going to be quick about it). But, then the shock came. A week to the day of the last termination, the other coworker was let go. I was her backup, too. So, many people at work know that I'm burdened with a lion's share of work. There are others only aware of just one of the two terminations. And at least one person who does know about both and is still completely unsympathetic. I shouldn't be surprised.

I'm only doing the basics.

The clients, however, don't see it as one person doing more work, they see that I'm the new helper person who has all the time in the world to deal with their issues and can't see why I'm taking longer and longer to respond to "reasonable" requests.

Work might be scared that I might leave, as I have some of the only working knowledge on one major system.

These were the hardest three days in a long time. One coworker bought me cookies. Others have been checking on me on the phone and by email.

I'm really tired now. Before, when there was hope of help from the other admin, I was fine. But now. Now I really am doing the work of three people. And poorly. And I have no clue how "long" the process will be to find two new people. And once they're hired, I'm sure I will be the one training both of them.

They hired someone recently to fill a position deemed unneeded after a termination over a year ago. Someone was finally able to convince them the position was actually necessary. I showed her today a portion of my job that her boss thinks would be good to know so she can help. It's a very complicated and convoluted program. Her eyes were wide after I demonstrated what we have to do to get the results we want. She said there was a large amount of knowledge in my brain.

I really don't know how long I can do this and still stay sane.

I would really appreciate it if work didn't have so much faith in and high expectations of me. I'm pretty sure they have TOO much confidence in my abilities. Can I get through this without becoming completely broken?

The admin I will miss, however, is taking a positive view of her situation. Because, seriously, she doesn't have to work in our highly dysfunctional environment anymore. Is it bad if you wish you were fired, too?

Consequences

Every choice we make affects someone or something else. I want you to know that you are never choosing just for you. Ever. And we choose so many times in a day. The "Butterfly Effect" does, in fact, apply to us, but *we're* not a butterfly flapping it's wings which might eventually lead to a massive storm halfway across the world. Our actions and choices usually have a more immediate effect.

It is true that we cannot always choose what happens to us (though sometimes we're in denial that it was our choices that may have gotten us in that position), but you can ALWAYS choose how you react or, better yet, act in those situations. Happiness can be a choice before it leads to a state of being. Lying can be a habit (which should be broken immediately - nothing good ever comes from deceit). But do you know what's the best thing you can do for everyone, even if it doesn't seem like it: taking responsibility for your actions/choices/attitude/whatever it is.

I find it interesting that around the same time that I lost my patience with my coworker's behavior was right around the time that my company also lost patience. I did my best to keep my ranting away from work so I wouldn't affect how I did my job. I also got the message that even if she was treating me in a horrible fashion, I should still be nice and kind and try to remember that God loves her, too. That was hard. Really difficult. But our last two working days together were the best we'd had in awhile. And then she was gone.

It had to be done, even though our company knew letting her go would affect her life adversely, as well as the efficiency of our office. But keeping her would have affected even more people in a negative manner. Some people at work seem to assume that I'm glad that she's gone and that I'm ecstatic or something, but it's not true. Yes, I'm relieved and my mood is lighter, but I also feel guilt. Guilt that I could have done better in my handling of the situation and guilt that I'm relieved at her absence. I also feel sadness for her. I know she's going to be struggling.

Never taking responsibility for anything was a major problem. I missed the blowup and blowout as I was sick at home that day. So I've only heard that she accused me of extremely bad behavior in a last-ditch effort *after* being terminated. I am not surprised. And I am glad that no one believed her.

I used to be more like her than I want to admit. True, I was much younger (think early to middling school years), but I did see myself in her. It was a version of myself that I'm trying hard not to resemble anymore. So, don't think I didn't have empathy and sympathy for her. I guess you could say that I was like that until I finally became self-aware. That I realized that being proud and snotty was the real reason that I couldn't keep a friend for longer than one school year and why I no longer had any friends at church. I shudder when I think back to those days when I was horrible. And the realization that *I* was the reason behind my own unhappiness and misery was a very bitter pill to swallow.

I do remember that it was during high school that I starting analyzing who I was and why I did things or even wanted to do things. I would compare that to what I wanted to do and be. And then I knew I had to change. It has been a long, hard road to get to where I am now and there's lots more road for me to work down. I did have a slip-up about eight years ago when I let the difficulties of my home life (at the time) dictate my very poor behavior and short fuse at work. I am grateful that they didn't fire me at that time. And working with this girl gave me a glimpse of what my coworkers dealt with all those years ago. But it worked out differently for me. Partly because I had been kinder before, partly because I moved myself out of the bad roommate issue, and lastly because they changed who I worked with. It gave me a fresh start to prove myself anew. And *that* is why no one believed her now.

I hope that she will finally become self-aware. That she learns that her behavior and attitude are a major part of her own issues both personal and professional. That she will strive and succeed at changing herself. And, finally, that she will own the consequences of her behavior and not try to shift it to anyone else ever again. I'm keeping her in my prayers for now.

Moral Ambiguity

Is it legal and/or moral to have your coworker committed? Please say "yes." It's horrible that I'm even writing about this issue, but this is why I *have* this platform. It just would have worked better if I hadn't told some of my family/friends/coworkers about the blog and what my pen name is.

Yes! I've finally gotten that off my chest! Dee Templeton is not my real name. But it *is* a pseudonym. So, I consider myself sort of like Samuel Langhorne Clemens, Amantine Lucile Aurore Dupin, or even Charles Lutwidge Dodgson. Now, I am definitely NOT comparing myself to their writing ability. I shudder that I would even think myself so proud!!! However, they felt the need to write under a pen-name...and so do I. 

I work for a small company, in a smallish big city, with a very unique name (mine, not the city's). See the problem? If I actually wrote under my real name and anyone decided to Google me, then everyone would know about the blog. So I keep everything general (if you haven't noticed already), because the more specific I get, the more possible it might be that I could be fired, or that my mom might find the blog and feel betrayed/upset/hurt and I really don't want those things to happen.

This blog is my confessional. And because I feel safe from censure at work, I'm more honest than I probably should be while sending out my thoughts into the blogosphere. I send them out not really expecting any readership, so it's odd that people read it when they don't know me. And I've concerned a couple of family members a little bit with what I have confessed.

I am not perfect. I am not married. Most of my close friends have gotten married and moved on or live too far away to spend a ton of time with. I live on my own. I'm not allowed to have pets, unless it's fish. I'm sick a lot. I'm female. And I need to talk to someone. ANYONE (except maybe for the last therapist I tried)!

But, as you know, sometimes you just want to vent. To just get out the ickyness you're feeling. So then you can try to get rid of it. Sometimes vocalizing (or writing) about your feelings can help you see how wrong they might be, or where you need to work on letting something go.

So, yes, I feel the need to vent about my coworker and I apologize to anyone who actually a) knows me and/or b) works with me. I don't need to burden you with too much personal information about my difficult workmate.

I'll just say this: I've had a roommate a lot like this coworker. The other roommates and I made this roommate go to therapy. I spent too much sympathy and empathy on this person and had nothing left to give when I moved out. I don't want to be sucked in to anything like that again. It's impossible not to get sucked into the new coworker's drama and issues, because sometimes you unwittingly participate. I have less sympathy and empathy for her with every passing day. I'm getting close to telling her things I know will make her mad. So, instead of suggesting, "hey, maybe you should wait until your manager is back before going forward on this project," I might be telling her, "no. Don't ask that other manager to approve your work." And then also tell that manager not to approve anything, either.

But today, because I got embroiled in her mess, I'm just frustrated. And angry. And now she can blame me for some of what happened, even though I thought I was being oh, so careful about not being liable for any of the work she was doing. And it completely sucks that I feel responsible for my part in it. I offered help to fix the issue and she refused to accept it. And I know she's going to narc on me to her manager. Who is a good friend of mine, by the way. So she knows about this blog. And I'm sorry if you ever read this, manager/friend, that I badmouthed your employee. I also regret that any of you might actually know who this person is. Because I'm not being Christian. I'm not being understanding and loving. I'm done being patient and giving the benefit of the doubt when all I've gotten in return in smiles or grumpiness in front of my face and all kinds of complaints about me behind my back. How does one deal with this issue?

This is why I want her to be committed: so she can grow up, get the help she needs, and be out of my hair.

I'm not proud of myself for feeling this way and I don't want to. But, like I said, I just needed to get it out of my head and somewhere where I could see it and get to a place where I can change my attitude. I'm not there yet, obviously, but the "word vomit" was a start. And, yes, I think I need to go watch Mean Girls now.

Dee out!

Somethings and Nothings

So, a few somethings have happened since I wrote last, but also a bunch of nothings. I went to a family reunion and spent time with all of my siblings, their spouses, their children, and our parents. We went to a beach, which was great! I only wish I'd had more energy to go more than the one time. I also wasn't able to participate in the "talking until all hours of the morning" thing we usually do whenever we get together. Many of us live faaaaaaar away from each other, so we don't see each other all that often. And it's fun chatting until 2 a.m., until you're super grumpy the next day (or just listless) and then you have a nap so you can stay up late again. I just felt tired the entire time and limited what I was doing. I was amazed at my sisters' ability to go, go, go.

All in all, though, I had a fabulous time. I hope we can do it again in the next couple of years!

It didn't feel like I was gone from work all that long, but oh the pile of work that awaited me when I got back. It's amazing, don't you think, that if people read your out-of-office email response that they can be patient when you're gone. But as soon as you get back...it doesn't matter how many emails you have to go through, people always assume that you've read theirs and fixed whatever concerns they had by 9 a.m. the first day. And when you haven't, then they send more emails and call you. Constantly.

Also, since I've had to be pulled into a meeting with three managers and the new co-worker, I've been a little more open about how "training" is going. I guess I was trying to be all patient and giving her the benefit of the doubt. She, however, was complaining to the managers about how I wasn't helping her. Vocal enough to warrant a surprise meeting. It was a surprise to me, alright! Wha? So, we set some guidelines; none of which she is currently following.

She's interesting, you know? And apparently still bad-mouthing me. So, I had a chat with one of the managers because I didn't know if I was going to need to talk to Human Resources (HR) before anything disciplinary happened on my end because of her complaints. Then I had a mini-meeting with only two of the managers. Yes, they know I'm trying. And we discussed tactics on how to get her to come to me instead of them. After this week, she's *finally* catching on about that. But, instead of ordering me to do her work on occasion, now she is sweetly asking if I could "help" her out, usually by completely doing everything for her. So, I "helped" her only one time, but she's supposed to do the work and then I check it. I'm not supposed to do her work FOR her. Sigh.

She believes she's set for life at the job. I still don't know how long she'll last. There's only so many constant mistakes you can make, even during training, that might lead to your dismissal. She hasn't learned that yet. Or to write things down. And then denies that she was ever taught something because she would have remembered...without writing it down. And I can never ever EVER tell her about this blog.

But enough about work! I'm off from work today so I can do super fun things. Which will start happening in a little over an hour. I'd better get ready.

We *are* good enough!

Today has been a good day. This morning as I was walking to church a man waiting at a bus stop asked me if anyone had told me today that I was beautiful. I laughed and said no, and thank you. Then he told me to keep smiling. He didn't need to do that for me, but how nice for him to brighten someone else's day simply because he could!

Church was very moving and I always love going. Something has stayed with me today, though: the concept that we are good enough to accomplish tasks we are given. I believe in a loving, higher power. I believe that this life isn't all there is. I also believe in an adversarial force that does not want us to have faith in ourselves or others. It goes right back to believing the bad that people say about us and not the good.

How often have I discounted the nice things people say? I'd always pass it off as "oh, they say that to everyone" or "you have to say that because you're my (insert relationship here)." Sometimes it's hard to take a compliment. And I'm the kind of person who wants to compliment you right back for being sweet. Oh, you like my shoes today? Well, I think your hair looks fabulous! But when we don't believe the things that people are complimenting us on, it's awkward to be praised. You really think I sing well? But I'm not really trained. You think my clothes look trendy? But I was a fashion victim most of my life. Are you sure? Are you sure you've got the right person?

Someone tried to prank call me when I was in high school. You know, the heavy breather type? "Hey, I think you're sexy and I like your body," he said in a gravelly voice (it must have been someone I knew who was trying to disguise his voice). Here's how I responded: "Really, have you seen me? Do you need glasses?" Yes, I really asked that. I think I also asked him if he had the right number, but he did say my name at one point, so I guess his call was intentional. He only called a couple of times. And there was that one phone call in the middle of the night that my uber-fabulous younger sister answered when I yelled at her not to. Dad had said all late-night calls get answered by him. Anyway, she answered while half asleep and when Dad asked her who that was, she said it was for me, Dee, and some guy wanted me to meet him at a hotel. A booty call via my little sister? Classy. I have no idea who it was, nor do I ever need to know. Though I am quite curious as to what would have transpired if my dad had answered....

So, yes, I don't usually believe compliments. I've mentioned it before and I still need to work on it. I don't think my mom meant to make me feel ugly and fat and unattractive to all boys, but when she would comment that boys would like me better if I were thinner and dressed better and wore makeup, well that tends to make one feel decidedly unpretty. I think she was trying to figure out why they weren't asking me and figured it was an "exterior" and not an "interior" issue. Though, she has also said that for years I was socially awkward. But it didn't matter anyway as the boys continued not asking me out. Again, I get more improper advances from inappropriate men than I get asked out on legitimate dates. So it's refreshing when a man I don't know just says I'm beautiful without having an agenda.

Also, joining eHarmony and being told by the site "you're too picky by asking to be matched with people who also don't drink (although asking for non-smokers is apparently okay)" and having only one guy be interested and then lose interest, is a confidence killer. I hate cyber dating. The sting of not being picked hasn't lessened with age. It's okay, though. I wasn't really interested in that guy, either.

So, I am going to believe Mr. Random Man on the Street that I'm beautiful. And it doesn't matter if people look down on me because I don't have a fancy job. My job title is not indicative of who I am and what I'm capable of. And it's okay if I'm not great at any particular one thing...because the fact that I'm not bad at a lot of things can be pretty impressive in itself. So I'm good enough to be me. AND you're good enough to be you! See how wonderful we are?