Gossip Game Lightning-Style

So, yes, I've been pretty silent lately. But don't feel *too* neglected. I've been silent to just about everyone. I've been so sick that getting to work takes a huge effort. Which makes collapsing when I get home and resting up over the weekend my new "old" way of life.

It's now old because I've changed which office I work out of. I feel tons better already. Coincidence? Hmmm.

But, unfortunately, part of the drama of the old job followed me to work at the end of the day today. My former deskmate has a habit of misunderstanding everything. I kid you not. So, when I was being told what she believed my now-former managers said regarding my previous work, I didn't quite believe what she said. Many times I've caught her--not in a lie, mind you--in misrepresenting the truth. Well, it's HER truth, maybe, but nowhere close to actual life. But, unfortunately after our short phone conversation, I was then misrepresented to said now-former managers. Now everyone's mad and/or crying. Okay, for once I'm not the one allegedly crying. And I'm frustrated, surely.

Tomorrow will be interesting. What do you do when you really can't believe anything someone says? It is quite like she's the end part of the game of gossip, but she should have a better grasp on what people actually say. It's possible that she hears only some things...and none of them good. Really, how can my encouraging her in her new position (my recent one) lead to her telling others that I'm not going to help!?! What I said was she already knew how to do the job and don't worry, you can do this. She heard that I wasn't going to orient her on the particular complexities of my clients. Not true. And my past managers should KNOW that about me. When have I ever left anyone in the lurch? I, who on being let go from a past company, was asked to stay on two extra weeks so I could train the next person. When that next person didn't want training I then wrote up detailed instructions and made them obvious to follow. That's the kind of person I am. Not: Later, Losers!

I am incredibly grateful that I'm at the new office. I explained the situation to my new manager who is going to smooth over the situation (hopefully) with my past team. I wonder how long it will take them to understand that everything this person says must be taken with a salt lick? Really, a grain is far too little.

Out of tCeOxNt

When you don't have all the information, it's easy to jump to conclusions which have no basis in fact. Because we tend to see the world through our own filter, we make assumptions all the time about why people do the things they do or say what they say, etc. Someone decided that all caps is yelling. YOU CAN SEE WHY WHEN YOU TYPE IN ALL CAPS: IT SEEMS THAT WHAT YOU'RE EXPRESSING IS EXTREMELY IMPORTANT AND MAYBE LOUD. It also can be annoying. Don't worry, I'm not actually yelling. In fact, if you believe I am, that is your perception. I was using it as an example and you didn't actually hear me. I promise.

The more we move into an electronic age of instant communication, the easier it is to misunderstand the messages we send. Since I like to write, my texts are often long and (hopefully) grammatically correct, except for the occasional slang. I actually type something like "too funny" or "that made me laugh!" - not LOL. And this is how I usually express that I don't know or care or whatever: <shrug>. I like it much better than IDK. Also, a shrug can convey so much more than the phrase "I don't know."

And because I'm wordy; when I receive brief replies of one or two words, I imagine that the person on the other end is perhaps angry or annoyed. That's because *I* get quiet when I'm mad. But, if the responder is a guy, well, they typically use less words a day than women do. Men are used to being brief. I don't know how to be. So, somehow I have to stop thinking that briefness equals anger. It probably means someone's a neat, concise thinker.

I want you to realize that anything, ANYthing, can be taken out of context. The media is quite good at it. I've learned how to read the movie reviews. If they use a major network's minor affiliate's critique, then they had to go down pretty far to get a good review...somewhere. They can also lift phrases from a larger, probably negative critique, like so: "I tried hard to find something to like in this dreck that is trying to pass as good cinema, but the best movie of the year it's not" can become "...the best movie of the year...."

This happens in politics as well. Instead of opponents actually explaining where they stand on issues (which, if they were honest, may not get them enough votes to win so they have to be vague or risk actually getting a firm base with people who agree with their policies and opinions), mostly they get to the point of pulling things out of context and using them in an inflammatory manner to do that old muckraking shtick. How the media decides to use these tactics actually shows their bias. For, if they are just reporting facts only, which in themselves can be subjective by which tidbits they choose to share, it is when they purposely choose a phrase or topic without the rest of the sentence or speech that causes sensationalism and probably contributes to the success of the person they are not defaming. And win them more viewers/readers/listeners who dislike the candidates having the proverbial mud flung at them.

So, yes, when you don't tend to speak to people face to face, where you can see what they're expressing physically or actually hear the tone of their voice, it is way to easy to misunderstand them. Perhaps some people think I'm preachy. However, how would they know that I'm really trying to use a wry wit? Or that I make amusing faces when I'm writing? Or the way I dramatically emphasize certain things when I read something out loud to see if it makes sense?

Context: don't be out of it on purpose. And please talk to people in person. That shouldn't be so rare anymore. We might misunderstand each other less. Notice that I'm not saying that communication will be perfectly understood. How could it be? None of us are perfect and we (thankfully) cannot read each others' minds.

Thoughts on the Nature of Love

I love my family. Every single one of them. There's not a one I don't cherish or love fiercely. They are mine and I'm keeping them. But I don't love them all the exact same way. How could I? They are not the same person cloned over and over. I was thinking out loud with a friend when I came to this mind-blowing revelation. So, within my family, I have a different type of love for each parent, each sibling, each sibling's spouse, and each of their children. So, right there I have 18 different types of love. And they aren't the only ones I love. I love my friends, co-workers, fellow congregants at church, and don't get me started on cute, furry animals.

And then there are all the people who love *me!* Each one of them loves me a different way than the next person. No one loves me exactly the same. And God loves us all, too! And He loves us as individuals. So, He loves us all differently, too, but I bet it's the same amount for each of us. Just...different. And catered to us personally.

It's like I realized there's this exponential outpouring of love in an infinite manner. The more people you meet and get to know, the more opportunities you have for loving someone new. Isn't that amazing?!?!?

That's all. I just wanted to share my "aha" moment.

There are More Types of Love Than Can Be Counted By Scientists and Philosophers

When I was meeting new people at the very beginning of my freshman year of college, an older guy (what, 21? 22?) told me that there were two types of women: women you date and women you marry. He told me that I was the kind that you marry and I would do well (marriage-wise) at the university. I had no idea what that meant at the time. I think I've finally figured it out. He was wrong about me getting married in my college years, but I think it's because boys raised in today's world view haven't been taught that principle.

There are women who are fun to date, but you don't/shouldn't take home to mom. These are the girls that are super fun, but have no clear plans for settling down and raising a family. However, since you marry who you date, lots of guys are convincing these oh-so-exciting girls to marry them, start a family, and then watch as she walks away leaving the kids with him and going in search of finding herself. It's possible that she would have been the marriageable-type later, but apparently not at the time she actually made the Commitment.

Those other women, the more dependable-type, the ones that are good at commitment and fidelity and respect, etc., these are the ones that most boys I know avoid like they have some type of highly contagious and easily transmitted disease. Those are the ones that are the best type to marry. *Those* girls. Like me, apparently.

Movies and television have decided that what constitutes compatibility is that first meeting of two people. If there's no "spark," if that initial overwhelming attraction (really, just lust) isn't there, then you're not "right" for each other. What baloney! Malarkey, even. You don't even KNOW that person! They could be a psychopath who just happens to be highly physically attractive. Should that mean that because you both desire each other on your very first impression that that is who you should be with? I don't know about you, but I'd like to find out if the guy I'm dating is actually sane before any major decisions are made. I'm not saying I don't get crushes, because I do, but I also realize that the crush is based on a fantasy. Actual romantic-type love may come later, but never initially. Because it can't. Fictional media doesn't usually portray a slow, yet deeply-felt love very often. Pride & Prejudice (or any Jane Austen book/film, for that matter) is an example of the first impression not being indicative of who is best for one another. But most films don't want to take the time to tell a story of people falling in love over a certain number of months, years, or decades. They like to sell the love-at-first-sight bit. It's easier to write and doesn't have to involve much character development. Or depth. Or plot.

I have rediscovered that I don't do well on dating sites. My picture isn't doctored to make me look like a tan, tall, skinny Barbie-type. Therefore, not a lot of guys message me. I got a bite on Christmas Day, though, by a man twenty years my senior. He could almost be my father. I still think it's creepy. I'm not ready for that age-range yet. He'd have to be STELLAR for me to consider it. And his profile said he might want kids. He'd be almost 80 when his child graduated high school if he fathered one now. I realize that Tony Randall had children late in life, but he's passed away leaving a young wife (50 years younger than him) and two young children behind. That is the risk you take by marrying a much older man.

But I digress. I was the only one of my high school friends to go to college out-of-state. I was told by one of my girlfriends during the summer break after our freshman year that the entire gang (sans myself) had gotten together for dinner one night and the subject turned to me at some point. I guess that the guys in my group of friends shared that they ALL had liked me at one time or another. Every. Single. One. Wait, could that be why I'm facebook friends with all the guys, but not all the girls? Hmmmm.

So, that's why I said in a previous post that it's not beyond the realm of possibility that guys could be in love with me and not even know it. I am the type of girl that guys fall for slowly, incrementally, and mayhaps inevitably. But they have to get to know me, first. Running away or refusing to speak to me will not accomplish that part. But if men don't know about that kind of slow-burn love, how would they even know they were experiencing it until it was too late and I was already out of their lives? Would they consider me a possibility to date if there was no immediate spark? Will one of them take the necessary time to woo me until he finally realizes that he couldn't live without me?

I don't know. But I'm sure I'll find out eventually.

Usually hopeful though occasionally frustrated,

Dee

Let It Snow? Sure, just not Saturday morning, please.

Today we got a half snow day. That is that we went to work and halfway through the workday they closed the office. This was good because I'm sick with a cold that I've had since Sunday. I missed work on Monday and Tuesday, dragged myself in on Wednesday (and went to the work Christmas dinner that night where I got my 10-year congratulatory certificate). I needed a nap as soon as I woke up this morning. I'm sure it had nothing to do with waking up around 1:30 a.m. and not getting back to sleep around 4:00 a.m. When you can't breathe because of a stuffy nose and hacking coughs, apparently you can't sleep very well.

So, it's been snowing all day. ALL DAY! And though it was pretty while I was walking home in it, it's not great for freezing overnight and then walking on top of that in the morning. So, let's cross our fingers that I don't slip on the pavement whilst walking to work.

I'm picking up a relative tomorrow evening so they can sleepover and be taken to the airport Saturday morning to fly out for the Christmas holiday. We're expecting more snow Friday night and into Saturday morning. Cross your fingers that my relative will be able to get home! I'd love to have her stay over, but I think her mother would really like to have her home.

Work is still workish. My desk mate is still a little off, but the managers are actually starting to notice...I think. I have successfully rebuffed all offers to spend time with her outside of work. Not to be hurtful, mind you, but because she needs to make friends outside of our office. I have friends outside of our office and it's healthy because then you can occasionally gripe about work to people who have no clue who exactly you're talking about. I also have one friend *in* our tiny office and sometimes it's hard to NOT talk about work while you're at it. Which means other people might walk by and overhear. Not good. Also, when you talk about personal stuff it's on the company's time and that ain't good, either.

My desk mate is getting better generally. She's learning things finally and that's great. But some of the other stuff isn't going to change soon: her gruff manner, her lack of desire of meeting new people, her telling her managers that it's not her job. I remember doing that a couple of times. That's when they pull out the job description and point out the phrase "...and anything else you're asked to do." I loathe that phrase. Technically, they could ask me to do anything, like hop on one foot for an hour, and because they asked I'll have to do it. Where were the lawyers when they wrote that up? What if they ask me to do unethical things like corporate espionage or murdering the competition? Not that they would, mind you, it's just that they *could* that bothers me. Is holding that phrase over my head when I'm assigned something distasteful that a manger is delegating because they don't want to do it, either, a form of indentured servitude? I mean, I can't delegate it to anyone else. And I can like it or lump it. Oh, to have a thriving economy where you have to pay people more and treat them well to keep them. Bad job markets mean that companies can afford to be cheap and cruel (like Ebenezer Scrooge before the ghostly visits) and people will still apply. Shameful, that is.

As for that boy that I'm too old for, we've established that we enjoy spending time with one another and often--well, often for me. However, he isn't technically dating me but is truly dating other girls. I know because he lives his life on instagram, twitter, and facebook. I've seen the hashtags in the facebook posts. Funny, though, that he's all kinds of open about dating all these different girls but doesn't mention me at all when we're doing things together. Maybe it's because I don't have an instagram or twitter account. Or he's ashamed of me. Or doesn't quite know what to do about me. Ha! I don't know what to do about him, either. But right now it's kind of fun. When it stops being fun is a good time to bail, right? Or perhaps I should ask someone who *has* an instagram account to check out pictures there and not just the ones that end up on facebook? I don't know how it all works and please don't explain it. It would just be more things to distract me from doing what I need to be doing. Like writing. And not mooning over the boy. And this way I can't actually cyberstalk him. I don't need to be needy. I just need to be myself and attract the right kind of guy for me.

Icicling: A Non-Fun Way Of Life

My living room is a converted bedroom as the main room you walk into is shaped oddly with an inconvenient doorway and hall, as well as a pretty but-not-allowed-to-use fireplace. I still don't know what to call it: lounge, drawing room, receiving room, foyer (but said the French way so it sounds like foy-yay)?

I felt that the bedroom with the large picture window that looks over a busy street would be...asking for trouble. So, it's now my living room. Pros: my furniture *just* fits. Cons: there are 2 1/2 walls to the outside. This is bad in the summer as it gets very toasty and worse in the winter when it's several degrees colder than my bedroom. I say this because I have to up the temperature while I'm in the living room, but bump it back down an hour or so before I go to bed or the bedroom will be too hot!

I have a feeling that if I actually took this room as my bedroom that I'd have to invest in a canopy bed. I know, you're thinking -- aw, she's a frou-frou girl who will have mosquito netting and ribbons cascading from the canopy frame. No, I'm talking about an actual canopy bed with heavy velvet curtains and a definite top to keep out the draft! Think Ebenezer Scrooge in The Muppet Christmas Carol, Scrooge McDuck in Mickey's Christmas Carol, or Harry Potter's school bed. As for the Christmas Carol references, the people in Christmas Future talk about the bed curtains still being warm. And I'm pretty sure Scrooge was too cheap to buy velvet. Okay, maybe I am, too, but maybe I could try wool? Cotton would be too light and would let cold seep in. I would need something heavy enough to keep the heat inside the small bed area.

There was the loveliest canopy bed available at Target.com for the longest time. It was part of a charming collection that had sweeping angles and reminded me a little of the furniture in Disney's Alice in Wonderland. Unfortunately, I couldn't afford the twin or single bed (it was a girls' collection). Nor could I afford to make the canopy curtains, especially without a sewing machine. It's no longer available, though, so it's no longer an option. Sigh.

Do you think there's such a thing as a canopy couch? The large cold spot which is the picture window is freezing my back right now. I'll have to wrap my feather quilt around my shoulders so I can stop being so chilly.

Anyway, I was not expecting the weather to get so cold so fast. Now I definitely need to buy new tights as the ones from last year are about dead. ...And walking to work in freezing weather is not a favorite hobby of mine. And maybe curtains for my freezing window!!!!!!

And as I always contemplate during this time of year: why do I live where it's so cold?

Attitude Adjustment: Check!

So, I wallowed into a pool of misery, woe is me, and self-pity on Sunday. I was a mess. But, I made myself go to another Sunday night lecture. It was all about gaining more hope, even if you're running on empty. Oddly, even though I was still oh, so sad about not getting the things that I want when I want them, the message still sunk in.

Unfortunately, it took another day to process. So I was still sad on Monday. And then that night I thought, "I'm being completely ridiculous and I kind of hate myself right now. What was that advice again?"

I cannot tell you how nice it is to NOT be weeping about a situation in which I have no control. So I've been calm and resilient the last two days...as well as coming down sick with a chest cold. Stupid stress on Sunday and Monday! If only I hadn't had a brief emotional breakdown a few days ago, I might have avoided the sick part. Maybe.

Sometimes, okay, really, all the time, it's frustrating when life does not go the way we hope, wish, pray, plan, and beg for. But for all the self-study I've been doing since high school, as well as I know myself, there's still a difference between Need and Want. I need to eat to survive: true. I need to eat a steak dinner every night to survive: false. I only want a steak dinner, and eating it would help the need, but something less...fattening would be better for daily consumption (don't worry, steak, I'll still eat you--I just have to cut back on how much I see you). I want to go to Hawaii, but I need to pay my rent (and eat; have I mentioned eating?).

I want a good man to share my life with, but I don't actually need one. I really, truly want one for my very own and I'll pat him and love him and call him George. Well, only if his name is George. I really want someone else to take out the trash, drive, cook, clean, etc. sometimes so it's not just me (I'm not abdicating from life, I just want help). And I'm tired of going stag or "doe" to things and I no longer want to invite female friends to my "plus one" invitations. I also like to be held and I would love to cuddle in someone's arms and let some of that stress just fade away. Of course, these are the yearnings of a woman who is still very inexperienced in romance and dating. For all the dating I've done, the long-term "relationships" I've had were really nothing more than a string of great first and second dates. Even on the 25th date, nothing ever really happened.

I am not good at boy cues. I've mentioned that before. Here's what went through my brain on Sunday when I saw my friend I'm not to have a crush on: There he is! When he said he wanted to be friends did he really mean it? What if he only meant that so I wouldn't be on my guard? Oh, hey, he's sitting in view of me...again. But he's left a space next to him this time. Should I sit there? But he said he only wanted to be friends and if I sit there people will think we're dating. But I do want to date him...and sit there. Is he expecting me to sit there? I did the only thing I could think of: I sat on the complete opposite side of the room where *I* couldn't see him. Then I could stick to the plan of being his friend. And then was miserable about how confused I am.

I try to take people at their word. If you think about it, we tend to view the world through the filter of who *we* are. If I believe the words people tell me, it's only indicative that I mean the words that I say to others. This makes it hard to play the Game of Dating. Whenever I try to understand the rules, I realize that I know nothing about any of them. I have yet to find an accurate rulebook. And I freak out when I don't know what's truly expected of me. So, having not really gotten past the first and second date syndrome, I don't know *what* I'd do if a boy wanted to take me on an authentic third and fourth and fifth and so on date. It took me years to figure out how to have a school friend for more than one school year. I have no idea how to behave in a way that is endearing and adorable without ending up in the surrogate sister role.

But sometime, somewhere, there is a man who will not put me in that sister role and will want me to share his life. I'd like to think that I need that companionship, but, really, I only want it. Badly. But wanting doesn't make things happen. I need to calm down around men I like so I'm not acting like a freakish 12-yr-old girl with her first major crush. And maybe then they'll stop running. Or I may stop pushing them away, too. I still don't know how to do that, either.

But it's okay. I'm alright. If not this guy, another. Or if not now, maybe later. Unless he really was giving me a "signal" to sit by him. And then maybe I've lost out on the chance with this one. But if he wants me he's going to have to figure out how to tell me in actual words that he'd like to date me. Um, and actually do something, like work out ways to spend time with me. And hold my hand. And go in for the kiss without asking for it first. Is there such a man? I HOPE so!

You can't really MAKE someone love you

News flash: the only person I have control over is myself, and even that's questionable sometimes. So, I've met a new friend...who happens to be male. He, like myself, looks young. So I thought he was in his late twenties. But when he told me he was in his early thirties, twice, I knew he was fishing for my age. When I thought he was in his twenties I was not interested "in that way," and I knew I was definitely too old for him. Finding out that he was about five years older than I thought, I felt it was possible that I wouldn't mind going out with him, but that I might be beyond the range of what's comfortable for *him.* As I've gone out with someone twelve years younger before, eight years didn't seem impossible to me.

Ha.

So, we went on a non-date date thing, which, fortunately, I knew what it was beforehand. He politely asked me my age (though boys should never ask this). And I knew that by telling him the truth that the jig was up and he would lose all interest. Some people might suggest that I change the subject, refuse to answer, or just lie. That's not me. So I told him. He thought I was only three years older, which maybe he would have been able to handle (he's more comfortable dating down than up), but eight years might as well have been twenty.

So, even though we are probably highly compatible and apparently "cute" together, it doesn't matter one iota, whit, or at all. He's taken me out of the running. So, I'm fine being friends until one of us starts dating someone. There's an expiration date on this friendship and that's as it should be.

I haven't told my family about this because there's been nothing to tell. But now I have to. I went to a religious (yet funny) lecture last night and we went together for convenience' sake. Next time we'll invite more people so it doesn't look like we're a couple. But someone who's known me for almost all my life saw us. And she saw me acting as a friend. So before she left she felt the need to whisper in my ear--in front of him, I might add--that I need to go after this one. So I shook my head and said no. Then she felt the need to whisper again that we were adorable together and why don't I go for it? I shook my head again and said I'd tell her later. And what should I tell her? I'm too ancient for the young whippersnapper? That he'd be more comfortable dating my nieces than me? And as she might ask someone in my family about the boy, I thought I might mention it.

And why does anyone think I have any control whatsoever of another person's feelings? When you take physical intimacy out of the picture then seduction is kind of ridiculous and out of the question. So, then what? I can't manipulate him into liking me. First, it would be wrong to trick someone into dating me. Second, I wouldn't even begin to know how to do that. Third, even after all that he still wouldn't love me, not really. And I want a husband who consciously chooses me over all other women. I do not like being a backup plan. It's rather humiliating. I'm only good enough for you if you can't find anyone else to marry you, first? Gag me. And no way is that EVER happening.

For those of you that think I am being his friend for the sake of hoping he might like me in the future: well, I'm doing my best to squelch those feelings (because it's hard not to have them, no matter how futile they are). It's true that I have a slight infatuation, but I also know that my attraction is based more on who I think he might be or the potential of what he may become more so than who he actually is. Because I don't know him very well, yet. And it's silly to pine after a guy who is merely being nice and isn't encouraging me at all romantically. So I'm beating myself up about it and doing my best to keep thinking of him as Friend Only instead of Friend With Potential. It's working. I have a handle on it. But it takes self-control. And believing my head over my fall-for-anyone-nice heart.

So, here's a tip: don't ask the GIRL why she doesn't go for it--ask the boy. He has more control over who he ends up with than the girl does. It's not "fair," but what in life is? Feel free to tell him I'm a total catch and don't let me slip away or that we look cute together. I'd rather he be annoyed than me, anyway.

Portrait of Dee

I love to support my friends in their artistic endeavors. There's a girl I worked with who just quit to do photography full-time. And I recently met a boy who left his 8-5 job awhile ago also to pursue photography. I admire their bravery. I believe I've mentioned before that I didn't want to be a starving artist. It's true. But I *have* had to learn to live simply. Assistants don't make much. Especially artistic-type gals who used to have mini temper fits at work that haunt them for the rest of their non-move-uppable-careers.

I don't know about you, but I'm not always comfortable getting my picture taken. I'm larger than when I graduated high school and in my head I'm thinner than what I look like on film. But having joined a dating website and getting NO hits whatsoever, I felt I needed professional help of the photographic kind. So, I asked my former co-worker to take some photos for me. She is so nice! Really, she was great to work with. And she brought along a mutual friend who kept me laughing throughout the shoot. It's hard when you're self-conscious about how you look to others. I cried a little before we started taking pictures. What if the pictures don't attract any guys? What if my parents don't like any of them (since I was also trying to get pictures to send to family for Christmas [so, family, pick a pose and a size and I'll happily get something printed for you])? What if I break the camera? What if I don't photograph well? Or look like a beached whale?

I have a vivid imagination and it can get away from me. Great for thinking up story ideas...horrible for thinking about real life. And, really, the worst thing that happened during the shoot was a bee sting--which I wasn't allergic to. It's just itched for a few days. I posted a sampling of my new pictures online and tons of my friends have commented on them and how much they like them. It's rather overwhelming. But, I think, that people don't always go get their pictures taken when they're single, or even just being overweight might make them think twice before purposely presenting themselves in front of a lens. Taking a portrait of a family of one isn't always done. Sure, there are head shots, but that's for professional reasons. Or maybe you could be in love with the way you look and need pictures of yourself everywhere. However, I felt that I wanted some pictures that represented me, or the me that my family sees. If they want a picture, that is. Again, do you hang up pictures of your single sibs? But maybe we should? Perhaps I should ask my brother if he'll get *his* picture taken so we can trade for Christmas.

No matter what the outcome, though, of posting my new photos on the dating website, I have supported a friend with their dream. And I will recommend her to others because she's awesome (even if portraits isn't her main interest). She has a great eye and even made ME look good. I said it was the camera (when I really meant photographer). She said it was me. She's so sweet!!!!! So, L and R, thank you for the fabulous experience on Wednesday. I need to hang out with you gals more often!

Tired of Being "Strong"

I'm weary.

After the un-shocking removal of my coworker last week, I knew I could get through having to deal with both mine and her clients because a very capable and fabulous friend and coworker who had been absent for some time was back on the job. There was an end in site, with hopefully a better new employee on the horizon (which I know will take awhile, no matter how much they say they're going to be quick about it). But, then the shock came. A week to the day of the last termination, the other coworker was let go. I was her backup, too. So, many people at work know that I'm burdened with a lion's share of work. There are others only aware of just one of the two terminations. And at least one person who does know about both and is still completely unsympathetic. I shouldn't be surprised.

I'm only doing the basics.

The clients, however, don't see it as one person doing more work, they see that I'm the new helper person who has all the time in the world to deal with their issues and can't see why I'm taking longer and longer to respond to "reasonable" requests.

Work might be scared that I might leave, as I have some of the only working knowledge on one major system.

These were the hardest three days in a long time. One coworker bought me cookies. Others have been checking on me on the phone and by email.

I'm really tired now. Before, when there was hope of help from the other admin, I was fine. But now. Now I really am doing the work of three people. And poorly. And I have no clue how "long" the process will be to find two new people. And once they're hired, I'm sure I will be the one training both of them.

They hired someone recently to fill a position deemed unneeded after a termination over a year ago. Someone was finally able to convince them the position was actually necessary. I showed her today a portion of my job that her boss thinks would be good to know so she can help. It's a very complicated and convoluted program. Her eyes were wide after I demonstrated what we have to do to get the results we want. She said there was a large amount of knowledge in my brain.

I really don't know how long I can do this and still stay sane.

I would really appreciate it if work didn't have so much faith in and high expectations of me. I'm pretty sure they have TOO much confidence in my abilities. Can I get through this without becoming completely broken?

The admin I will miss, however, is taking a positive view of her situation. Because, seriously, she doesn't have to work in our highly dysfunctional environment anymore. Is it bad if you wish you were fired, too?

Consequences

Every choice we make affects someone or something else. I want you to know that you are never choosing just for you. Ever. And we choose so many times in a day. The "Butterfly Effect" does, in fact, apply to us, but *we're* not a butterfly flapping it's wings which might eventually lead to a massive storm halfway across the world. Our actions and choices usually have a more immediate effect.

It is true that we cannot always choose what happens to us (though sometimes we're in denial that it was our choices that may have gotten us in that position), but you can ALWAYS choose how you react or, better yet, act in those situations. Happiness can be a choice before it leads to a state of being. Lying can be a habit (which should be broken immediately - nothing good ever comes from deceit). But do you know what's the best thing you can do for everyone, even if it doesn't seem like it: taking responsibility for your actions/choices/attitude/whatever it is.

I find it interesting that around the same time that I lost my patience with my coworker's behavior was right around the time that my company also lost patience. I did my best to keep my ranting away from work so I wouldn't affect how I did my job. I also got the message that even if she was treating me in a horrible fashion, I should still be nice and kind and try to remember that God loves her, too. That was hard. Really difficult. But our last two working days together were the best we'd had in awhile. And then she was gone.

It had to be done, even though our company knew letting her go would affect her life adversely, as well as the efficiency of our office. But keeping her would have affected even more people in a negative manner. Some people at work seem to assume that I'm glad that she's gone and that I'm ecstatic or something, but it's not true. Yes, I'm relieved and my mood is lighter, but I also feel guilt. Guilt that I could have done better in my handling of the situation and guilt that I'm relieved at her absence. I also feel sadness for her. I know she's going to be struggling.

Never taking responsibility for anything was a major problem. I missed the blowup and blowout as I was sick at home that day. So I've only heard that she accused me of extremely bad behavior in a last-ditch effort *after* being terminated. I am not surprised. And I am glad that no one believed her.

I used to be more like her than I want to admit. True, I was much younger (think early to middling school years), but I did see myself in her. It was a version of myself that I'm trying hard not to resemble anymore. So, don't think I didn't have empathy and sympathy for her. I guess you could say that I was like that until I finally became self-aware. That I realized that being proud and snotty was the real reason that I couldn't keep a friend for longer than one school year and why I no longer had any friends at church. I shudder when I think back to those days when I was horrible. And the realization that *I* was the reason behind my own unhappiness and misery was a very bitter pill to swallow.

I do remember that it was during high school that I starting analyzing who I was and why I did things or even wanted to do things. I would compare that to what I wanted to do and be. And then I knew I had to change. It has been a long, hard road to get to where I am now and there's lots more road for me to work down. I did have a slip-up about eight years ago when I let the difficulties of my home life (at the time) dictate my very poor behavior and short fuse at work. I am grateful that they didn't fire me at that time. And working with this girl gave me a glimpse of what my coworkers dealt with all those years ago. But it worked out differently for me. Partly because I had been kinder before, partly because I moved myself out of the bad roommate issue, and lastly because they changed who I worked with. It gave me a fresh start to prove myself anew. And *that* is why no one believed her now.

I hope that she will finally become self-aware. That she learns that her behavior and attitude are a major part of her own issues both personal and professional. That she will strive and succeed at changing herself. And, finally, that she will own the consequences of her behavior and not try to shift it to anyone else ever again. I'm keeping her in my prayers for now.

Moral Ambiguity

Is it legal and/or moral to have your coworker committed? Please say "yes." It's horrible that I'm even writing about this issue, but this is why I *have* this platform. It just would have worked better if I hadn't told some of my family/friends/coworkers about the blog and what my pen name is.

Yes! I've finally gotten that off my chest! Dee Templeton is not my real name. But it *is* a pseudonym. So, I consider myself sort of like Samuel Langhorne Clemens, Amantine Lucile Aurore Dupin, or even Charles Lutwidge Dodgson. Now, I am definitely NOT comparing myself to their writing ability. I shudder that I would even think myself so proud!!! However, they felt the need to write under a pen-name...and so do I. 

I work for a small company, in a smallish big city, with a very unique name (mine, not the city's). See the problem? If I actually wrote under my real name and anyone decided to Google me, then everyone would know about the blog. So I keep everything general (if you haven't noticed already), because the more specific I get, the more possible it might be that I could be fired, or that my mom might find the blog and feel betrayed/upset/hurt and I really don't want those things to happen.

This blog is my confessional. And because I feel safe from censure at work, I'm more honest than I probably should be while sending out my thoughts into the blogosphere. I send them out not really expecting any readership, so it's odd that people read it when they don't know me. And I've concerned a couple of family members a little bit with what I have confessed.

I am not perfect. I am not married. Most of my close friends have gotten married and moved on or live too far away to spend a ton of time with. I live on my own. I'm not allowed to have pets, unless it's fish. I'm sick a lot. I'm female. And I need to talk to someone. ANYONE (except maybe for the last therapist I tried)!

But, as you know, sometimes you just want to vent. To just get out the ickyness you're feeling. So then you can try to get rid of it. Sometimes vocalizing (or writing) about your feelings can help you see how wrong they might be, or where you need to work on letting something go.

So, yes, I feel the need to vent about my coworker and I apologize to anyone who actually a) knows me and/or b) works with me. I don't need to burden you with too much personal information about my difficult workmate.

I'll just say this: I've had a roommate a lot like this coworker. The other roommates and I made this roommate go to therapy. I spent too much sympathy and empathy on this person and had nothing left to give when I moved out. I don't want to be sucked in to anything like that again. It's impossible not to get sucked into the new coworker's drama and issues, because sometimes you unwittingly participate. I have less sympathy and empathy for her with every passing day. I'm getting close to telling her things I know will make her mad. So, instead of suggesting, "hey, maybe you should wait until your manager is back before going forward on this project," I might be telling her, "no. Don't ask that other manager to approve your work." And then also tell that manager not to approve anything, either.

But today, because I got embroiled in her mess, I'm just frustrated. And angry. And now she can blame me for some of what happened, even though I thought I was being oh, so careful about not being liable for any of the work she was doing. And it completely sucks that I feel responsible for my part in it. I offered help to fix the issue and she refused to accept it. And I know she's going to narc on me to her manager. Who is a good friend of mine, by the way. So she knows about this blog. And I'm sorry if you ever read this, manager/friend, that I badmouthed your employee. I also regret that any of you might actually know who this person is. Because I'm not being Christian. I'm not being understanding and loving. I'm done being patient and giving the benefit of the doubt when all I've gotten in return in smiles or grumpiness in front of my face and all kinds of complaints about me behind my back. How does one deal with this issue?

This is why I want her to be committed: so she can grow up, get the help she needs, and be out of my hair.

I'm not proud of myself for feeling this way and I don't want to. But, like I said, I just needed to get it out of my head and somewhere where I could see it and get to a place where I can change my attitude. I'm not there yet, obviously, but the "word vomit" was a start. And, yes, I think I need to go watch Mean Girls now.

Dee out!

Somethings and Nothings

So, a few somethings have happened since I wrote last, but also a bunch of nothings. I went to a family reunion and spent time with all of my siblings, their spouses, their children, and our parents. We went to a beach, which was great! I only wish I'd had more energy to go more than the one time. I also wasn't able to participate in the "talking until all hours of the morning" thing we usually do whenever we get together. Many of us live faaaaaaar away from each other, so we don't see each other all that often. And it's fun chatting until 2 a.m., until you're super grumpy the next day (or just listless) and then you have a nap so you can stay up late again. I just felt tired the entire time and limited what I was doing. I was amazed at my sisters' ability to go, go, go.

All in all, though, I had a fabulous time. I hope we can do it again in the next couple of years!

It didn't feel like I was gone from work all that long, but oh the pile of work that awaited me when I got back. It's amazing, don't you think, that if people read your out-of-office email response that they can be patient when you're gone. But as soon as you get back...it doesn't matter how many emails you have to go through, people always assume that you've read theirs and fixed whatever concerns they had by 9 a.m. the first day. And when you haven't, then they send more emails and call you. Constantly.

Also, since I've had to be pulled into a meeting with three managers and the new co-worker, I've been a little more open about how "training" is going. I guess I was trying to be all patient and giving her the benefit of the doubt. She, however, was complaining to the managers about how I wasn't helping her. Vocal enough to warrant a surprise meeting. It was a surprise to me, alright! Wha? So, we set some guidelines; none of which she is currently following.

She's interesting, you know? And apparently still bad-mouthing me. So, I had a chat with one of the managers because I didn't know if I was going to need to talk to Human Resources (HR) before anything disciplinary happened on my end because of her complaints. Then I had a mini-meeting with only two of the managers. Yes, they know I'm trying. And we discussed tactics on how to get her to come to me instead of them. After this week, she's *finally* catching on about that. But, instead of ordering me to do her work on occasion, now she is sweetly asking if I could "help" her out, usually by completely doing everything for her. So, I "helped" her only one time, but she's supposed to do the work and then I check it. I'm not supposed to do her work FOR her. Sigh.

She believes she's set for life at the job. I still don't know how long she'll last. There's only so many constant mistakes you can make, even during training, that might lead to your dismissal. She hasn't learned that yet. Or to write things down. And then denies that she was ever taught something because she would have remembered...without writing it down. And I can never ever EVER tell her about this blog.

But enough about work! I'm off from work today so I can do super fun things. Which will start happening in a little over an hour. I'd better get ready.

We *are* good enough!

Today has been a good day. This morning as I was walking to church a man waiting at a bus stop asked me if anyone had told me today that I was beautiful. I laughed and said no, and thank you. Then he told me to keep smiling. He didn't need to do that for me, but how nice for him to brighten someone else's day simply because he could!

Church was very moving and I always love going. Something has stayed with me today, though: the concept that we are good enough to accomplish tasks we are given. I believe in a loving, higher power. I believe that this life isn't all there is. I also believe in an adversarial force that does not want us to have faith in ourselves or others. It goes right back to believing the bad that people say about us and not the good.

How often have I discounted the nice things people say? I'd always pass it off as "oh, they say that to everyone" or "you have to say that because you're my (insert relationship here)." Sometimes it's hard to take a compliment. And I'm the kind of person who wants to compliment you right back for being sweet. Oh, you like my shoes today? Well, I think your hair looks fabulous! But when we don't believe the things that people are complimenting us on, it's awkward to be praised. You really think I sing well? But I'm not really trained. You think my clothes look trendy? But I was a fashion victim most of my life. Are you sure? Are you sure you've got the right person?

Someone tried to prank call me when I was in high school. You know, the heavy breather type? "Hey, I think you're sexy and I like your body," he said in a gravelly voice (it must have been someone I knew who was trying to disguise his voice). Here's how I responded: "Really, have you seen me? Do you need glasses?" Yes, I really asked that. I think I also asked him if he had the right number, but he did say my name at one point, so I guess his call was intentional. He only called a couple of times. And there was that one phone call in the middle of the night that my uber-fabulous younger sister answered when I yelled at her not to. Dad had said all late-night calls get answered by him. Anyway, she answered while half asleep and when Dad asked her who that was, she said it was for me, Dee, and some guy wanted me to meet him at a hotel. A booty call via my little sister? Classy. I have no idea who it was, nor do I ever need to know. Though I am quite curious as to what would have transpired if my dad had answered....

So, yes, I don't usually believe compliments. I've mentioned it before and I still need to work on it. I don't think my mom meant to make me feel ugly and fat and unattractive to all boys, but when she would comment that boys would like me better if I were thinner and dressed better and wore makeup, well that tends to make one feel decidedly unpretty. I think she was trying to figure out why they weren't asking me and figured it was an "exterior" and not an "interior" issue. Though, she has also said that for years I was socially awkward. But it didn't matter anyway as the boys continued not asking me out. Again, I get more improper advances from inappropriate men than I get asked out on legitimate dates. So it's refreshing when a man I don't know just says I'm beautiful without having an agenda.

Also, joining eHarmony and being told by the site "you're too picky by asking to be matched with people who also don't drink (although asking for non-smokers is apparently okay)" and having only one guy be interested and then lose interest, is a confidence killer. I hate cyber dating. The sting of not being picked hasn't lessened with age. It's okay, though. I wasn't really interested in that guy, either.

So, I am going to believe Mr. Random Man on the Street that I'm beautiful. And it doesn't matter if people look down on me because I don't have a fancy job. My job title is not indicative of who I am and what I'm capable of. And it's okay if I'm not great at any particular one thing...because the fact that I'm not bad at a lot of things can be pretty impressive in itself. So I'm good enough to be me. AND you're good enough to be you! See how wonderful we are?

To Go or Not to Go to Comic Con?

I grew up going to the local medieval festival every summer. It was marvelous. When I was young I dressed all the way up. The older I got, the less I dressed up to go. First, there's an issue with renting a costume (as the only ones that would fit my frame left little to the imagination in the bodice region). Second, it's HOT in the summer, even at the beginning, in the southern part of the States. By the time I moved from there I was just trying to look cute in shorts, a short-sleeved modest shirt, sandals, and tons of sunscreen. Did I mention that I get sunburned every day on my short walk to and from work? Well, except in winter when I'm walking home in the twilight hours.

So, now that I can't go to that fabulous faire anymore, I've turned my thoughts to Comic Con. Hey, people dress up to go...and it's air conditioned and no fear of sunburn at all! But I want to go as me. No costume. No fan girl t-shirt. No asking anyone to autograph any body parts. They're having one in my area soon, so I wouldn't have to pay to travel or stay in a hotel. Yay, because I'm money-poor. Ha ha! But I've hesitated in buying my tickets in case I got that job. But I haven't heard anything, so I'm pretty sure that I'm not starting a new position on August 5th. Don't worry, I'm completely okay with not getting that one. Apparently, the higher you get in the admin track the more stress they advertise in the job posting. I think there's something wrong with a society that burns out people quickly while not really paying them enough to take away their health and well-being (which was advertised upfront).

So, here's my conundrum: do I buy a one-day Saturday ticket or a three-day Thursday to Saturday ticket and ask for the time off? I've never been to one and I wouldn't mind getting my "feet wet" in the sci-fi convention arena. But taking off two days from work is very extremely appealing. My only exposure to said conventions would be in the movies, like Galaxy Quest, or television, like when Jonathan Frakes directed that Castle episode or when George Takei was on Psych. Obviously, this is not the "real" Comic Con in L.A., but enough people have signed up that they've already had to change the venue...to within walking distance of where I live. Score! So, does anyone know what going to a comic/sci-fi convention as a newbie is like? Would wearing normal, casual clothes be more shocking than a costume? I do have a friend who already has her three-day pass, money saved up, and fan girl t-shirts planned. I hope she's not embarrassed by me where she will completely fit in and I will not....

Oh, and the other option is buy the pricey three-day pass that gets you a swag bag and one "free" autograph or photo op. That's the one I'm leaning towards. But then, who do I choose to get my picture taken with or an autograph from? Decisions, decisions.

If anyone has any advice, please chime in!

Wheeeeeeeeeeee!

I realize that some of you will not recognize that movie quote. Imagine an Austrian girl, in the rain, after just having her first kiss with a boy we'll call "Rolfe." Okay, so I'm nowhere near Austria, I'm not 16 going on 17, nor was there a boy OR a kiss. But that's exactly the mood I'm currently in.

What a change one single phone call can make! I got a call near the end of this afternoon about that job I applied for in late June. Apparently the phone interview went well because they'd like to see me late Monday afternoon for a face-to-face.

I have homework, though. I have to take several assessments on how proficient I am on Microsoft Office Suite and how fast I type. I will do my best not to roll my eyes when I'm taking them. It doesn't matter who programs those lovely chestnuts, they always favor one way of using Office, but here's the catch: it could favor a) shortcut keys, b) right mouse clicks, or c) menus/ribbon. Oddly, these tests only allow for one right answer and until you answer a couple you're not sure what they're looking for. Since there's so many ways to do one type of thing, shouldn't it allow you to use your favorite rather than only theirs?

So, yes, it's possible that after all the testing that they may not want me. It's possible if they still want me that I may not accept. But for the moment, one blissful, happy weekend, I could dream of a job that I could start August 5th.

They said that out of the 200 resumes, I was number one "for what it's worth." I told them I was honored. I bet they say that to all the applicants, but it was sooooo nice to hear!

So, my weekend plans have expanded: grocery shopping (because I'm on my last roll of toilet paper...and I have no food), testing, and perhaps taking out the trash. I'm really hoping my super ecstatic cloud of happiness will help me NOT be sick all weekend. I may even get to add more things to the list, like "finish the next-to-last chapter."

You'll have to excuse me as I'm now going to pay attention to some children learning to sing with the help of their new governess.

On Dreaming

So, I've been having more frustration dreams than usual. This is not fun. But now they've turned scarier and bloomed into frustration nightmares. Believe me, there's a difference. I do not enjoy the panic and fear I'm experiencing. And the "wonderful" thing about them is that they're right before I wake up, so I end up remembering them better. This morning's treat was having a friend tell me that my brother died and my parents not wanting to double check the info, even though he reportedly died in a military hospital on a base. After I told my mom that I saw a look of shock cross her face...and then I woke up. I was so upset my brother died and no one had informed his family! So that feeling stayed with me a little bit until I could calm down and convince myself it was a dream. When a dream wakes you up it can take a little bit to leave that dreaming place and settle back into reality.

But I've been doing lucid dreaming for years, so why did I not a) realize I was dreaming so b) I could change it?

And should I mention a dream of a leaping attack of anger that my mind played out only a week ago? I was so enraged against a co-worker who was criticizing my job and trying to convince our boss to hire the daughter of a friend that I leapt to the attack; not unlike a big game cat and their prey. I was screeching/yelling, as well. The dream fast forwarded a bit, so I was aware of the attack and still seething, but my boss made me do penance: by having me hire the young girl to work with us. My conscious self is very disturbed by that incident that never happened. I would never, ever do something like that for real. But a part of myself is very stressed and apparently very angry.

It may be time to actually start going to therapy. But anti-depressants and therapy are merely treating the symptoms of the larger problem of my job. Altering my dosage and/or learning how to handle stress better will not change the nature of what I do, how much I do, and what the company expects. I stay because I've had stable employment for almost a decade and the job market isn't great. I wish I had the ability to just walk away.

-------------------------------------------------------

I started writing this on July 11th, but had to stop due to the sheer emotionality I was feeling that day. I have not remembered any frustration dreams the last few mornings, but I'm so tense when I go to bed that it takes awhile to fall asleep. And it shouldn't.

I have applied for a new job, but one of the hiring managers is out until August 5th and the job is still open for people to apply. I applied on the third day it was posted, late last month. So, I have to keep that at the back of my mind as thinking about it at work isn't productive and will drive me batty.

I did something yesterday that I think I will have to keep doing: I gave myself permission to fail. I'm the kind of perfectionist who likes to do things right and well. If I can't do them right and/or well, I tend not to do them at all. Anyone who has seen my apartment would know that I'm not perfect at cleaning. One of my managers said a couple of weeks ago that I'm harder on myself than any of them are. I don't like disappointing people and so I get frustrated when I think I might have let someone down. So, now I'm allowed to fail. I can make mistakes and fix them if and when necessary. It's okay to not be perfect.

My job today went better. But that could be the lack of sleep? What does it matter, as long as it works. New goal: don't be so high strung and it will be okay if my work quality goes down if my stress lessens and productivity goes up. Crossing fingers and toes.

Being Unintentionally Mean

When you choose to be a people pleaser, whether due to your birth order, indoctrination, nature, or even nurture, you are bound for disappointment. I know this very well. I'm always living my life to please others. I think I may still be trying to please my parents, which is just silly as I live, what, a fourth of a nation away? I also like to please my friends, my landlord, my boss(es), and coworkers... You get the picture, right?

So we have a new employee. I expected (and others were hoping for the same) to train this one just like I have others in the past. I've also been known to train managers, but we won't get into that. However, due to unfortunate circumstances, the new employee, who was believed to be someone I would get along with, does not want anything to do with me. I was seen as critical when I wasn't trying to be. Being trained when you don't know any of the programs can be daunting and you can't know everything right away. You just can't. And no one expects you to learn everything within four days. There's a reason why there's a six-month review. That's around the time that you're expected to know what your job entails and whether you are able to do it.

So, after I tried to apologize for accidentally offending my coworker, I was ignored. I did try one more piece of information, but apparently that didn't go over well, either. I guess they were really mad at the end of the day and that's the only thing I can think of that may have caused it. It was painful for me. I wasn't being mean, I was merely trying to train. And then I felt responsible. Responsible for the pain the coworker was feeling and responsible for now being unable to train them at all.

But I have very kind managers in my office who have taken the burden of responsibility off of me. I am not to take it personally (which will be very, extremely difficult). Since this person and I are supposed to work as a team, essentially, and help each other with our duties, this will be a challenge: not one I was looking for, but one I've gotten, nonetheless. My managers actually want me to continue working there and, unfortunately, saw how much today affected me. That's on me. I need to be more professional. I was, in fact, pleased with myself that I didn't ask to go home a few hours early when the first incident happened. And I reallllly wanted to. But I had to be an adult. So I stayed and continued working.

So, I need to learn how to do the following: dealing with a co-worker who wants nothing to do with me, growing a thicker skin, and not stressing so much about the work. I can only do what I'm capable of doing. Even if others expect perfection from what I do, that is an impossible goal to try to live up to. I am merely a mortal, fallible human being; flawed to the core and doing the best I know how.

I hope I can survive two more days of work! But know this: I will not offer any more unasked for advice (aka training), even if the new coworker is not following company policy or is making huge mistakes by trying to learn everything on their own. It will only make them more miserable. And, therefore, me.

How I wish I had some chocolate right now!!!!!!!!

Um, Deadline Extended

So...I only ended up working on the book twice last month. The first part of the month was spent celebrating many May birthdays. I think I know more May babies than any other month! The rest of the month was filled with an unseasonable, very nasty cold. It was going around at work, so it was kind of inevitable that I was going to get it. Some of my coworkers have joked that if someone even mentions sickness, I get it.

That's a little unfair. True, none of us had ANY idea that I had a permanent sinus infection until last year when I forced my primary care doctor to sent me to an ENT (Ear, Nose, and Throat) specialist; aka Otorhinolaryngologist (same thing, only fancier). It's funny. I've apparently had that issue for years. YEARS. In college I would always wheeze for like a 1/2 hour after running across campus. My junior year was when I found out that when I breathed in cold air while lying down, i.e. sleeping, I would be ill by the next morning. More than one doctor said that was impossible, yet it kept happening. And I had to be very careful because I would get, you know, a really bad sinus infection that would last for up to two months. Also, (this is T.M.I. and a little gross, so skip ahead if you'd like) one person told me that green mucus from your nose was a sign of infection. Mine was always green. At least one medical professional pooh-poohed the mere thought.

So, it's been hard trying to get the medical community on board with my seeming hypochondria. I *loved* that my ENT said that I'd gotten really good at fighting off my infection because I was functioning with that many germs hanging out in my sinuses. That's why surgery was essential. I'm still getting sick, but now I think my mounting stress is lowering my immune response. And I'm more run down than sinus-y. Sooooo much better than pre-surgery. Now I can sleep in cold air and NOT be sick in the morning. And I can run across the crosswalk and not wheeze at all. Woohoo!

Back to Memorial Day weekend, I was so sick with that stupid cold that the week before the holiday I missed two days of work, went in for three, and then had the three-day weekend with two vacation days I tacked onto the end. The holiday weekend was spent finally getting over the cold. I was so out of it on Sunday that I went to church with mismatching shoes. On a side note: when I texted my sisters about it, it rhymed. One of them pointed out that it was like Shel Silverstein poem. What do you think?

Dear Sisters Three, I just had
to share. I was so out of [sic] this
morning that when I threw on
my shoes to run to church,
they weren't a matching pair.
Ah, well.

So, I unintentionally rhymed, forgot "it" after "out of" and was so muzzy headed that I wore two different shoes. Someone else had to point it out. Sigh.

The last two days of "vacation" were me figuring out that what I thought was now stomach flu was just my ulcer making its presence known. Mightily.

So, despite all of that, I'm glad I actually worked on the book! And, really, I wanted to see if I'd write anything at all. I've re-read everything I've written so far and decided to completely cut the last chapter. It felt forced with the "happy" ending that a lot of people expected the book to lead to. But that version is inauthentic. And I think that you can have a happy ending even if the heroine of the piece does not end up with her own prince charming. Maybe that could be a sequel. Or not. They say "write what you know" and I'm still single....

Setting a Deadline

May 31st. That's my first self-imposed deadline. And now I'm sharing it with you in hopes that I'll actually hold myself accountable. I have to finish the first draft of my novel by then. I've been a few chapters from the end for over a year. It's about being single in a marriage-minded society. I've been writing it for almost a decade.

But now it's high time to find out if I can cut it as a writer. Am I any good? No clue. Sure, I can be funny or contemplative in short bursts, but can I sustain any of that in a full-length book? I'm good at finishing short stories. By their title there's not that much to them. In one of my college fiction writing courses I was told by the professor that my short stories had so much meat in them that they could be longer. I guess some people were just wordy in the hopes of getting their story idea to the required length. I still remember that compliment! Thank you, professor, for the encouragement!!

I was talking to one of my dear friends yesterday who has always been supportive of my dream. When I told her that one of my roadblocks to finishing was a fear of failure, she pointed out that seeing where my "career" has led me, didn't I feel like I'd already failed? The worst has already happened! She's right. And she knows me very well, so she wasn't telling me anything I didn't know, she was just pointing out the obvious that I couldn't see. And she wasn't cruel, either, if you were wondering. It's great to have family and friends in your corner.

I do wonder if I'm publishable. I've read some pretty horribly written books and thought "hey, if they can get published...." But it's different when it's your own work. And you know that some people could wallpaper their home with rejection letters. And when you took that additional correspondence writing course after college--one assignment from the end your mentor was encouraging you to take additional courses so it felt more like marketing than an honest opinion, you never turned in your last assignment for a "class" with no merit. Though the writing exercises were helpful, my mentor was not very encouraging of my future publication success. Sigh. In the back of my mind I can hear the phrase "those who cannot do, teach." So, maybe a published author, rather than a writing teacher, might be a better mentor to have. Ha!

I once had aspirations of being a humorist like Dave Barry. He is truly funny and I enjoyed his column in the Sunday paper whilst growing up. And though I can be funny like that, my novel is not as funny as I would like. But that's okay. It's only the first draft. The second draft will be when I flesh out the characters and inject more humor. But the first draft has proven very difficult to write. Sometimes it's painful as it's based on my own experiences and observations. I'm hoping that just getting it down on the page will be the hardest part.

The funny thing is, I have a different book I'd been writing on (also for years) before I ever got this idea and it was going quite well until it didn't. While I've been working on this one, I realized where I'd gone wrong with the other. I can completely understand why some authors work on multiple projects. Sometimes just stepping away doesn't clear the writer's block. Sometimes it's only by working on a different idea that you realize how the other could be better. Perhaps it's a perspectival shift that's needed.

So...the 31st of May. It's on!