We *are* good enough!

Today has been a good day. This morning as I was walking to church a man waiting at a bus stop asked me if anyone had told me today that I was beautiful. I laughed and said no, and thank you. Then he told me to keep smiling. He didn't need to do that for me, but how nice for him to brighten someone else's day simply because he could!

Church was very moving and I always love going. Something has stayed with me today, though: the concept that we are good enough to accomplish tasks we are given. I believe in a loving, higher power. I believe that this life isn't all there is. I also believe in an adversarial force that does not want us to have faith in ourselves or others. It goes right back to believing the bad that people say about us and not the good.

How often have I discounted the nice things people say? I'd always pass it off as "oh, they say that to everyone" or "you have to say that because you're my (insert relationship here)." Sometimes it's hard to take a compliment. And I'm the kind of person who wants to compliment you right back for being sweet. Oh, you like my shoes today? Well, I think your hair looks fabulous! But when we don't believe the things that people are complimenting us on, it's awkward to be praised. You really think I sing well? But I'm not really trained. You think my clothes look trendy? But I was a fashion victim most of my life. Are you sure? Are you sure you've got the right person?

Someone tried to prank call me when I was in high school. You know, the heavy breather type? "Hey, I think you're sexy and I like your body," he said in a gravelly voice (it must have been someone I knew who was trying to disguise his voice). Here's how I responded: "Really, have you seen me? Do you need glasses?" Yes, I really asked that. I think I also asked him if he had the right number, but he did say my name at one point, so I guess his call was intentional. He only called a couple of times. And there was that one phone call in the middle of the night that my uber-fabulous younger sister answered when I yelled at her not to. Dad had said all late-night calls get answered by him. Anyway, she answered while half asleep and when Dad asked her who that was, she said it was for me, Dee, and some guy wanted me to meet him at a hotel. A booty call via my little sister? Classy. I have no idea who it was, nor do I ever need to know. Though I am quite curious as to what would have transpired if my dad had answered....

So, yes, I don't usually believe compliments. I've mentioned it before and I still need to work on it. I don't think my mom meant to make me feel ugly and fat and unattractive to all boys, but when she would comment that boys would like me better if I were thinner and dressed better and wore makeup, well that tends to make one feel decidedly unpretty. I think she was trying to figure out why they weren't asking me and figured it was an "exterior" and not an "interior" issue. Though, she has also said that for years I was socially awkward. But it didn't matter anyway as the boys continued not asking me out. Again, I get more improper advances from inappropriate men than I get asked out on legitimate dates. So it's refreshing when a man I don't know just says I'm beautiful without having an agenda.

Also, joining eHarmony and being told by the site "you're too picky by asking to be matched with people who also don't drink (although asking for non-smokers is apparently okay)" and having only one guy be interested and then lose interest, is a confidence killer. I hate cyber dating. The sting of not being picked hasn't lessened with age. It's okay, though. I wasn't really interested in that guy, either.

So, I am going to believe Mr. Random Man on the Street that I'm beautiful. And it doesn't matter if people look down on me because I don't have a fancy job. My job title is not indicative of who I am and what I'm capable of. And it's okay if I'm not great at any particular one thing...because the fact that I'm not bad at a lot of things can be pretty impressive in itself. So I'm good enough to be me. AND you're good enough to be you! See how wonderful we are?

To Go or Not to Go to Comic Con?

I grew up going to the local medieval festival every summer. It was marvelous. When I was young I dressed all the way up. The older I got, the less I dressed up to go. First, there's an issue with renting a costume (as the only ones that would fit my frame left little to the imagination in the bodice region). Second, it's HOT in the summer, even at the beginning, in the southern part of the States. By the time I moved from there I was just trying to look cute in shorts, a short-sleeved modest shirt, sandals, and tons of sunscreen. Did I mention that I get sunburned every day on my short walk to and from work? Well, except in winter when I'm walking home in the twilight hours.

So, now that I can't go to that fabulous faire anymore, I've turned my thoughts to Comic Con. Hey, people dress up to go...and it's air conditioned and no fear of sunburn at all! But I want to go as me. No costume. No fan girl t-shirt. No asking anyone to autograph any body parts. They're having one in my area soon, so I wouldn't have to pay to travel or stay in a hotel. Yay, because I'm money-poor. Ha ha! But I've hesitated in buying my tickets in case I got that job. But I haven't heard anything, so I'm pretty sure that I'm not starting a new position on August 5th. Don't worry, I'm completely okay with not getting that one. Apparently, the higher you get in the admin track the more stress they advertise in the job posting. I think there's something wrong with a society that burns out people quickly while not really paying them enough to take away their health and well-being (which was advertised upfront).

So, here's my conundrum: do I buy a one-day Saturday ticket or a three-day Thursday to Saturday ticket and ask for the time off? I've never been to one and I wouldn't mind getting my "feet wet" in the sci-fi convention arena. But taking off two days from work is very extremely appealing. My only exposure to said conventions would be in the movies, like Galaxy Quest, or television, like when Jonathan Frakes directed that Castle episode or when George Takei was on Psych. Obviously, this is not the "real" Comic Con in L.A., but enough people have signed up that they've already had to change the venue...to within walking distance of where I live. Score! So, does anyone know what going to a comic/sci-fi convention as a newbie is like? Would wearing normal, casual clothes be more shocking than a costume? I do have a friend who already has her three-day pass, money saved up, and fan girl t-shirts planned. I hope she's not embarrassed by me where she will completely fit in and I will not....

Oh, and the other option is buy the pricey three-day pass that gets you a swag bag and one "free" autograph or photo op. That's the one I'm leaning towards. But then, who do I choose to get my picture taken with or an autograph from? Decisions, decisions.

If anyone has any advice, please chime in!

Wheeeeeeeeeeee!

I realize that some of you will not recognize that movie quote. Imagine an Austrian girl, in the rain, after just having her first kiss with a boy we'll call "Rolfe." Okay, so I'm nowhere near Austria, I'm not 16 going on 17, nor was there a boy OR a kiss. But that's exactly the mood I'm currently in.

What a change one single phone call can make! I got a call near the end of this afternoon about that job I applied for in late June. Apparently the phone interview went well because they'd like to see me late Monday afternoon for a face-to-face.

I have homework, though. I have to take several assessments on how proficient I am on Microsoft Office Suite and how fast I type. I will do my best not to roll my eyes when I'm taking them. It doesn't matter who programs those lovely chestnuts, they always favor one way of using Office, but here's the catch: it could favor a) shortcut keys, b) right mouse clicks, or c) menus/ribbon. Oddly, these tests only allow for one right answer and until you answer a couple you're not sure what they're looking for. Since there's so many ways to do one type of thing, shouldn't it allow you to use your favorite rather than only theirs?

So, yes, it's possible that after all the testing that they may not want me. It's possible if they still want me that I may not accept. But for the moment, one blissful, happy weekend, I could dream of a job that I could start August 5th.

They said that out of the 200 resumes, I was number one "for what it's worth." I told them I was honored. I bet they say that to all the applicants, but it was sooooo nice to hear!

So, my weekend plans have expanded: grocery shopping (because I'm on my last roll of toilet paper...and I have no food), testing, and perhaps taking out the trash. I'm really hoping my super ecstatic cloud of happiness will help me NOT be sick all weekend. I may even get to add more things to the list, like "finish the next-to-last chapter."

You'll have to excuse me as I'm now going to pay attention to some children learning to sing with the help of their new governess.

On Dreaming

So, I've been having more frustration dreams than usual. This is not fun. But now they've turned scarier and bloomed into frustration nightmares. Believe me, there's a difference. I do not enjoy the panic and fear I'm experiencing. And the "wonderful" thing about them is that they're right before I wake up, so I end up remembering them better. This morning's treat was having a friend tell me that my brother died and my parents not wanting to double check the info, even though he reportedly died in a military hospital on a base. After I told my mom that I saw a look of shock cross her face...and then I woke up. I was so upset my brother died and no one had informed his family! So that feeling stayed with me a little bit until I could calm down and convince myself it was a dream. When a dream wakes you up it can take a little bit to leave that dreaming place and settle back into reality.

But I've been doing lucid dreaming for years, so why did I not a) realize I was dreaming so b) I could change it?

And should I mention a dream of a leaping attack of anger that my mind played out only a week ago? I was so enraged against a co-worker who was criticizing my job and trying to convince our boss to hire the daughter of a friend that I leapt to the attack; not unlike a big game cat and their prey. I was screeching/yelling, as well. The dream fast forwarded a bit, so I was aware of the attack and still seething, but my boss made me do penance: by having me hire the young girl to work with us. My conscious self is very disturbed by that incident that never happened. I would never, ever do something like that for real. But a part of myself is very stressed and apparently very angry.

It may be time to actually start going to therapy. But anti-depressants and therapy are merely treating the symptoms of the larger problem of my job. Altering my dosage and/or learning how to handle stress better will not change the nature of what I do, how much I do, and what the company expects. I stay because I've had stable employment for almost a decade and the job market isn't great. I wish I had the ability to just walk away.

-------------------------------------------------------

I started writing this on July 11th, but had to stop due to the sheer emotionality I was feeling that day. I have not remembered any frustration dreams the last few mornings, but I'm so tense when I go to bed that it takes awhile to fall asleep. And it shouldn't.

I have applied for a new job, but one of the hiring managers is out until August 5th and the job is still open for people to apply. I applied on the third day it was posted, late last month. So, I have to keep that at the back of my mind as thinking about it at work isn't productive and will drive me batty.

I did something yesterday that I think I will have to keep doing: I gave myself permission to fail. I'm the kind of perfectionist who likes to do things right and well. If I can't do them right and/or well, I tend not to do them at all. Anyone who has seen my apartment would know that I'm not perfect at cleaning. One of my managers said a couple of weeks ago that I'm harder on myself than any of them are. I don't like disappointing people and so I get frustrated when I think I might have let someone down. So, now I'm allowed to fail. I can make mistakes and fix them if and when necessary. It's okay to not be perfect.

My job today went better. But that could be the lack of sleep? What does it matter, as long as it works. New goal: don't be so high strung and it will be okay if my work quality goes down if my stress lessens and productivity goes up. Crossing fingers and toes.

Being Unintentionally Mean

When you choose to be a people pleaser, whether due to your birth order, indoctrination, nature, or even nurture, you are bound for disappointment. I know this very well. I'm always living my life to please others. I think I may still be trying to please my parents, which is just silly as I live, what, a fourth of a nation away? I also like to please my friends, my landlord, my boss(es), and coworkers... You get the picture, right?

So we have a new employee. I expected (and others were hoping for the same) to train this one just like I have others in the past. I've also been known to train managers, but we won't get into that. However, due to unfortunate circumstances, the new employee, who was believed to be someone I would get along with, does not want anything to do with me. I was seen as critical when I wasn't trying to be. Being trained when you don't know any of the programs can be daunting and you can't know everything right away. You just can't. And no one expects you to learn everything within four days. There's a reason why there's a six-month review. That's around the time that you're expected to know what your job entails and whether you are able to do it.

So, after I tried to apologize for accidentally offending my coworker, I was ignored. I did try one more piece of information, but apparently that didn't go over well, either. I guess they were really mad at the end of the day and that's the only thing I can think of that may have caused it. It was painful for me. I wasn't being mean, I was merely trying to train. And then I felt responsible. Responsible for the pain the coworker was feeling and responsible for now being unable to train them at all.

But I have very kind managers in my office who have taken the burden of responsibility off of me. I am not to take it personally (which will be very, extremely difficult). Since this person and I are supposed to work as a team, essentially, and help each other with our duties, this will be a challenge: not one I was looking for, but one I've gotten, nonetheless. My managers actually want me to continue working there and, unfortunately, saw how much today affected me. That's on me. I need to be more professional. I was, in fact, pleased with myself that I didn't ask to go home a few hours early when the first incident happened. And I reallllly wanted to. But I had to be an adult. So I stayed and continued working.

So, I need to learn how to do the following: dealing with a co-worker who wants nothing to do with me, growing a thicker skin, and not stressing so much about the work. I can only do what I'm capable of doing. Even if others expect perfection from what I do, that is an impossible goal to try to live up to. I am merely a mortal, fallible human being; flawed to the core and doing the best I know how.

I hope I can survive two more days of work! But know this: I will not offer any more unasked for advice (aka training), even if the new coworker is not following company policy or is making huge mistakes by trying to learn everything on their own. It will only make them more miserable. And, therefore, me.

How I wish I had some chocolate right now!!!!!!!!

Um, Deadline Extended

So...I only ended up working on the book twice last month. The first part of the month was spent celebrating many May birthdays. I think I know more May babies than any other month! The rest of the month was filled with an unseasonable, very nasty cold. It was going around at work, so it was kind of inevitable that I was going to get it. Some of my coworkers have joked that if someone even mentions sickness, I get it.

That's a little unfair. True, none of us had ANY idea that I had a permanent sinus infection until last year when I forced my primary care doctor to sent me to an ENT (Ear, Nose, and Throat) specialist; aka Otorhinolaryngologist (same thing, only fancier). It's funny. I've apparently had that issue for years. YEARS. In college I would always wheeze for like a 1/2 hour after running across campus. My junior year was when I found out that when I breathed in cold air while lying down, i.e. sleeping, I would be ill by the next morning. More than one doctor said that was impossible, yet it kept happening. And I had to be very careful because I would get, you know, a really bad sinus infection that would last for up to two months. Also, (this is T.M.I. and a little gross, so skip ahead if you'd like) one person told me that green mucus from your nose was a sign of infection. Mine was always green. At least one medical professional pooh-poohed the mere thought.

So, it's been hard trying to get the medical community on board with my seeming hypochondria. I *loved* that my ENT said that I'd gotten really good at fighting off my infection because I was functioning with that many germs hanging out in my sinuses. That's why surgery was essential. I'm still getting sick, but now I think my mounting stress is lowering my immune response. And I'm more run down than sinus-y. Sooooo much better than pre-surgery. Now I can sleep in cold air and NOT be sick in the morning. And I can run across the crosswalk and not wheeze at all. Woohoo!

Back to Memorial Day weekend, I was so sick with that stupid cold that the week before the holiday I missed two days of work, went in for three, and then had the three-day weekend with two vacation days I tacked onto the end. The holiday weekend was spent finally getting over the cold. I was so out of it on Sunday that I went to church with mismatching shoes. On a side note: when I texted my sisters about it, it rhymed. One of them pointed out that it was like Shel Silverstein poem. What do you think?

Dear Sisters Three, I just had
to share. I was so out of [sic] this
morning that when I threw on
my shoes to run to church,
they weren't a matching pair.
Ah, well.

So, I unintentionally rhymed, forgot "it" after "out of" and was so muzzy headed that I wore two different shoes. Someone else had to point it out. Sigh.

The last two days of "vacation" were me figuring out that what I thought was now stomach flu was just my ulcer making its presence known. Mightily.

So, despite all of that, I'm glad I actually worked on the book! And, really, I wanted to see if I'd write anything at all. I've re-read everything I've written so far and decided to completely cut the last chapter. It felt forced with the "happy" ending that a lot of people expected the book to lead to. But that version is inauthentic. And I think that you can have a happy ending even if the heroine of the piece does not end up with her own prince charming. Maybe that could be a sequel. Or not. They say "write what you know" and I'm still single....

Setting a Deadline

May 31st. That's my first self-imposed deadline. And now I'm sharing it with you in hopes that I'll actually hold myself accountable. I have to finish the first draft of my novel by then. I've been a few chapters from the end for over a year. It's about being single in a marriage-minded society. I've been writing it for almost a decade.

But now it's high time to find out if I can cut it as a writer. Am I any good? No clue. Sure, I can be funny or contemplative in short bursts, but can I sustain any of that in a full-length book? I'm good at finishing short stories. By their title there's not that much to them. In one of my college fiction writing courses I was told by the professor that my short stories had so much meat in them that they could be longer. I guess some people were just wordy in the hopes of getting their story idea to the required length. I still remember that compliment! Thank you, professor, for the encouragement!!

I was talking to one of my dear friends yesterday who has always been supportive of my dream. When I told her that one of my roadblocks to finishing was a fear of failure, she pointed out that seeing where my "career" has led me, didn't I feel like I'd already failed? The worst has already happened! She's right. And she knows me very well, so she wasn't telling me anything I didn't know, she was just pointing out the obvious that I couldn't see. And she wasn't cruel, either, if you were wondering. It's great to have family and friends in your corner.

I do wonder if I'm publishable. I've read some pretty horribly written books and thought "hey, if they can get published...." But it's different when it's your own work. And you know that some people could wallpaper their home with rejection letters. And when you took that additional correspondence writing course after college--one assignment from the end your mentor was encouraging you to take additional courses so it felt more like marketing than an honest opinion, you never turned in your last assignment for a "class" with no merit. Though the writing exercises were helpful, my mentor was not very encouraging of my future publication success. Sigh. In the back of my mind I can hear the phrase "those who cannot do, teach." So, maybe a published author, rather than a writing teacher, might be a better mentor to have. Ha!

I once had aspirations of being a humorist like Dave Barry. He is truly funny and I enjoyed his column in the Sunday paper whilst growing up. And though I can be funny like that, my novel is not as funny as I would like. But that's okay. It's only the first draft. The second draft will be when I flesh out the characters and inject more humor. But the first draft has proven very difficult to write. Sometimes it's painful as it's based on my own experiences and observations. I'm hoping that just getting it down on the page will be the hardest part.

The funny thing is, I have a different book I'd been writing on (also for years) before I ever got this idea and it was going quite well until it didn't. While I've been working on this one, I realized where I'd gone wrong with the other. I can completely understand why some authors work on multiple projects. Sometimes just stepping away doesn't clear the writer's block. Sometimes it's only by working on a different idea that you realize how the other could be better. Perhaps it's a perspectival shift that's needed.

So...the 31st of May. It's on!