Life Is Never Fair When Other Humans Are In Charge

I'm miffed. Life is not fair. That's a given. It never is because "fair" is subjective. And what I think is fair someone else won't think so. And I often think that what other people do isn't fair at all. It's hard for us humans as we are naturally selfish and it's very difficult not to choose an option that doesn't benefit yourself even if it means making life harder for someone else. As long as it's not you, you don't have to deal with the consequences of your decisions that you've made that affect other people. As for trying to be fair, you can't actually split a child down the middle and that wasn't the point of King Solomon's lesson, which, unfortunately, seems to be lost on most people. But when you can be generous and are to some and not to others, it stinks for the people who have not been rewarded.

Our corporate office closed at 3:00 p.m. today for New Year's Eve. Our satellite office (which is just one building over because there wasn't enough room in the space they chose to move almost everyone else into this year), however, wasn't going to be allowed to have everyone leave at three. One of us wouldn't be able to leave until 5:00 p.m. They were actually hoping we wouldn't find out and that all four of us would stay the entire day. However, I'd found out because I asked about it when I picked up our mail at the corporate office to see if anyone had heard if we were closing early. I admit I complained rather loudly once I returned to my desk. I'm sick with a second illness that came right after the last one and I'm not sleeping well because my body feels that if I've been sitting on a couch all day feeling miserable that I must not need that much sleep at night even when I'm tired. So I'm already predisposed to being grumpy. And I came into to work hoping for a short day because I was going to be darned if I had to use eight hours of sick time if they were letting people go home early while being paid for working an entire day.

Please know that our office always has someone staying in it on the rare occasions we close early, even when all the rest of our offices do because one of our management staff feels that someone should be around *in case* one of our clients calls with an unimportant issue that they feel is a dire need. I guess it doesn't matter that all their own offices closed early (if they were even officially open today). Some crazy people who don't like to be home during any holiday might call and complain that the thing that they didn't request in a timely manner (which means, not before we officially closed on any given day) is not happening and they need it right away. We have spoiled our clients in a horribly rotten and thoroughly unattractive manner and sometimes I wish we could split them down the middle and be done with it. Sometimes we get called into work (albeit, briefly) on a weekend or at night because the client's needs are way more important than our own and they can't be bothered to follow the rules as we've set them. And if we allow them to break the rules whenever they feel like it, what is the point of making any to begin with? We do not have to be available 24/7/365. Period. No one should be. Everyone needs some down time when they are not on-call.

One of my good friends is a labor and delivery nurse. We were roommates for a few years and she helped me see my life through her unique perspective. She got tired of hearing me grouse about my days at work and here's why: nothing I did or could do was ever going to be a true life-or-death issue (despite how my company treated those incidents) and it was always the same problems/complaints. Her career, however, is all about life and death. She always had a really bad day whenever there was a death of one of her patients be it the baby, mother, or both. So now I get annoyed when co-workers and clients treat the business world as ultra-important-highly-critical-jump-because-I-said-so. No one will die because you made a mistake in judging your own needs and I shouldn't have to come in to correct it and our management team shouldn't allow it. But they do. And they will. And that's how it is.

Yes, I know I'm not in the right line of work. You may enjoy your job. I do not. I'm like Jim from the American version of "The Office" from the first season (because he later changed his mind) that I'm glad my job is not a career, because if it were I'd kill myself. I wouldn't ever kill myself, though. Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem and there's too much I haven't done yet to even THINK about shortening my lifespan. So no worries, but I might on the rare occasion only wish I were dead. Or wish that someone else was.

I don't like my job, but it has been stable employment for nine years. Being a low-level employee for the rest of my life doesn't sit well. I already know that I'm most likely never going to be promoted within this company. So, there's that phrase "grow where you're planted" that I try to follow. I say this because the one management member feels that you should have to pay your dues to get special privileges. As an assistant I do not "deserve" the perks that the managers get due to their title and years of work. It's that entitlement thing rearing it's ugly head again. Forget that I have a college degree when several of our managers do not. It doesn't matter that I work my tail off and have done the lion's share of the work for particular managers. As long as I don't have the title I don't have the option of leaving early or being invited to client lunches, etc. But according to those rules, I will never have that privilege. It won't matter how many dues I've paid if I never get a reward. See, it's not fair because I don't get the perks. When they say that someone is ruining it for everyone, it usually means that because only some people get special privileges that now no one will get them anymore because someone complained. So I'm not officially complaining to the company. I'm not going to be *that* person.

I did get off early, but I'm still mad that I might not have. Again, I'm tired and sick and grumpy!!!! And I was mad that they were only going to let ONE of the two admins go home early. I usually am the one to stay due to circumstances. The other girl was nice and said I could go this time. Wonderful! I was going to. But then it wasn't fair to her that she had to stay. We ended up guilting one of the managers to stay as he'd already committed to the one management member that someone would be there to take the phone calls that probably didn't happen. I have a feeling that they (the two managers in our office today) were going to be allowed to go home while one of us lowly admins had to stay. Sheesh! To be truly fair, if you are closing the main office then all the smaller offices should close at the same time. You cannot successfully preach that we are "one" company (due to mergers and buy-outs and the melding of several previous companies) when you don't have the same rules for everyone. And if I were in charge, everyone in our office and all the rest would have been able to leave at 1:00 p.m. or have had the entire day off.

Thank you for letting me rant. I feel better now.

Single for the Holidays

It's that time of year when concerned persons start asking what you're doing for the holidays. Are you going home? No? Then are you at least taking some time off from work? No? Are you spending the day with friends? No? Do you want to spend time with myriads of my relatives who you don't know so you won't be alone? No?

To all of you who have checked with me to see what I'm doing, thank you for thinking of me and I appreciate that you care. However, spending time with tons of people I don't know is always awkward. And when the one person you know is the host or hostess, then you don't get to talk to them very much. It's easier for me if I actually know other members of your family. And if they know me, even better.

I know that being alone on the holidays is a difficult concept for people who have always spent winter vacations with family. And it's sweet that people love me enough to want to include me. Let me set the record straight: though I may be alone on Christmas, I will not be lonely. I sleep in, eventually roll out of bed and then open my presents, call my family and thank them for whatever they gave me, perhaps see a movie, make a non-traditional meal like salmon, and NOT watch sports. It's a great day! And I don't have to work.

I opted not to go home for Christmas this year for several reasons.

1. I can't afford to go on my own and whoever buys my ticket so they can see me "owns" me for the duration of the vacation. I would rather go on my own dime and rent a car. The last few times I've gone home I've only seen family and I have a TON of friends that I haven't seen in at least a decade.

2. My dad is recovering from non-invasive cancer treatments. Though he sounds peppier on the phone, I'm sure my mom would just put me to work if I came home. I don't know about you, but that doesn't sound vacation-y. Not that I wouldn't offer to help, because I totally would. I just think my mom would want to use me more than I was willing to give. Yes, it sounds petty. You'd have to know my mother.

3. If I don't stay with my parents but stay with my sister, then I will barely see my parents (and vice versa - it's a given that I'll barely see my brother no matter where I stay). It's difficult when you are without transportation and family in the area lives in three different cities.

4. I'm saving up my vacation time for a supposed family reunion/landmark parental anniversary which may or may not be happening as it might be this coming summer in a foreign country on a trip I can't afford. My parents would and may still help me with that plane ticket, but again, I don't have much say in the matter if I'm not footing the bill. I'm too old to sleep for days on a couch or pull-out bed because it's cheaper if a single sibling shares a suite with another sibling and their family. I'd like my own room, but if I'm not paying I don't get that luxury.

5. The most embarrassing reason: I don't like opening my presents in front of other people anymore. I love presents and I love opening presents. When I'm by myself I can stretch the experience out and savor each moment. Even doing this I'm done in a rather short time. Stretching out the experience is much harder to do when I'm opening my presents with family when they have at least three presents to each one of mine. I tend to begin resenting the fact that I don't have a spouse and children to add to the small pile o' presents when I watch other people open gifts for seemingly hours. I sadly admit to being petty about it. When I open my presents alone there is no competition on who got the best, most, or highest-priced. Not that there was ever an actual contest, if you don't count the one in my head. So in that respect I really do feel like Dudley Dursley. I'm ashamed of it. I'm aware of it. I try to avoid the situation.

So to recap: I am looking forward to having a holiday on my own timetable and not someone else's. I won't end up feeling obligated or embarrassed, just happy and joyful. I'm sure that if I had been able to go home I would be happy, too, but in spurts and I'd have to lecture myself later on being kinder internally to others during present time. Wouldn't it be nicer if in the spirit of Christmas everyone gave service to others and NOT presents? Giving *is* nice, but it doesn't help that my funds are . . . lacking . . . this year and the most I can give to my family is my love. Except for my brother as he's single, too, and I think I can scrape together a few dollars to buy him something so he has another gift to open as love doesn't come in a tangible package. Sorry, sisters!!!!!!! It's too bad I'm still paying off my surgery from June....

Flexibility in Life is Not a Bad Thing

I never thought that the inability to afford my own place for several years would lead to a strength of flexibility. Apparently, living with others and not being able to make many of your own choices can lead to learning how to compromise, how to live with lots of different types of people, when to move out when the people you live with turn out to be crazy, etc. It was quite a learning process. It has also helped that I don't really make the decisions at work. Yes, I can be decisive, but now I am also willing to defer a choice to someone who is more passionate than I am when a decision doesn't matter to me. Ha ha.

The last couple of days I've had a quote running through my head, "adapt or die." When we decide to be rigid and stubborn to the point of damage to one's self, that's just unhealthy. I'm guilty of that. My stubbornness has been helpful on the rare occasion, but mostly it just gets in the way of my ability to accept change. Like the whole Apple/Macintosh/i-whatever thing. I've personally had bad experiences with Apple, but most of my family hasn't and happily use their products. I don't on principle but it's possible that I'll have to take back my oath of no-i-things-ever one day. Which is exactly what happened when I swore I'd never let my hair be layered again. That promise to myself lasted until a) layered hair came back into style and b) I had a hairdresser who knew how to cut my hair so that layers were actually attractive on my head. So, never say never or it will come back to haunt you. And I realize that the phrase should be something like "avoid saying never," but the other way is funnier. I'm always looking for the "funny."

Because I do tend to cut off my nose to spite my face (I know it's an odd phrase, but it works for me), I think I'm better qualified to notice this trait in others. I have a co-worker in the midst of their own personal battle with our company. As with many other businesses in this shaky economic atmosphere, our company has cut back on the "extras." It's probable that we'll never get those perquisites (shortened to perks) back once the economy recovers, so we must learn to live with less. Trying to bend the company to your own will for your own selfishly stubborn foolhardy unnecessary "needs" probably won't work. And when a company isn't shy about letting people go (when the opposite used to be true), perhaps making the company mad isn't recommended. It's also true that company loyalty is ALSO no longer rewarded...and businesses wonder why the younger the workforce, the more likely they'll hop from job to job for better pay and/or treatment.

If I don't learn to roll with the punches at my place of business, I might lose my ability to live without roommates. And though it is extremely tempting to look for a new job so that I might actually enjoy what I do more than I do presently, my current stilted career path leaves me time to do other things...like maybe actually finish the novel I've been writing for years. If I can work on being more disciplined in my writing habits, that is.

As a side note, I would like to mention that it would be nice if the those that run our company would also take a long, hard look at adaptation and its benefits. Then they might not have as much of an alarming employee turnover which is starting to include people who once expected to retire from the company and aren't that far away from when they planned to. That's a bad sign when even the "lifers" are looking to leave when they're so close to earning a full pension. But it's an employer's market and for every one person miserable at work there are many others who would figuratively kill for a job, even one with few benefits.

So I'll try harder to be happy with what I have, even if it isn't great or perfect, and work on my own side projects. I hear that even if I get published, including more than once, that I'll probably have to keep my day job. So I'd better. I don't want to live on anybody's couch and I don't have a sugar daddy to provide for me...so I'm on my own to work this out. Good luck to me.