Life Is Never Fair When Other Humans Are In Charge

I'm miffed. Life is not fair. That's a given. It never is because "fair" is subjective. And what I think is fair someone else won't think so. And I often think that what other people do isn't fair at all. It's hard for us humans as we are naturally selfish and it's very difficult not to choose an option that doesn't benefit yourself even if it means making life harder for someone else. As long as it's not you, you don't have to deal with the consequences of your decisions that you've made that affect other people. As for trying to be fair, you can't actually split a child down the middle and that wasn't the point of King Solomon's lesson, which, unfortunately, seems to be lost on most people. But when you can be generous and are to some and not to others, it stinks for the people who have not been rewarded.

Our corporate office closed at 3:00 p.m. today for New Year's Eve. Our satellite office (which is just one building over because there wasn't enough room in the space they chose to move almost everyone else into this year), however, wasn't going to be allowed to have everyone leave at three. One of us wouldn't be able to leave until 5:00 p.m. They were actually hoping we wouldn't find out and that all four of us would stay the entire day. However, I'd found out because I asked about it when I picked up our mail at the corporate office to see if anyone had heard if we were closing early. I admit I complained rather loudly once I returned to my desk. I'm sick with a second illness that came right after the last one and I'm not sleeping well because my body feels that if I've been sitting on a couch all day feeling miserable that I must not need that much sleep at night even when I'm tired. So I'm already predisposed to being grumpy. And I came into to work hoping for a short day because I was going to be darned if I had to use eight hours of sick time if they were letting people go home early while being paid for working an entire day.

Please know that our office always has someone staying in it on the rare occasions we close early, even when all the rest of our offices do because one of our management staff feels that someone should be around *in case* one of our clients calls with an unimportant issue that they feel is a dire need. I guess it doesn't matter that all their own offices closed early (if they were even officially open today). Some crazy people who don't like to be home during any holiday might call and complain that the thing that they didn't request in a timely manner (which means, not before we officially closed on any given day) is not happening and they need it right away. We have spoiled our clients in a horribly rotten and thoroughly unattractive manner and sometimes I wish we could split them down the middle and be done with it. Sometimes we get called into work (albeit, briefly) on a weekend or at night because the client's needs are way more important than our own and they can't be bothered to follow the rules as we've set them. And if we allow them to break the rules whenever they feel like it, what is the point of making any to begin with? We do not have to be available 24/7/365. Period. No one should be. Everyone needs some down time when they are not on-call.

One of my good friends is a labor and delivery nurse. We were roommates for a few years and she helped me see my life through her unique perspective. She got tired of hearing me grouse about my days at work and here's why: nothing I did or could do was ever going to be a true life-or-death issue (despite how my company treated those incidents) and it was always the same problems/complaints. Her career, however, is all about life and death. She always had a really bad day whenever there was a death of one of her patients be it the baby, mother, or both. So now I get annoyed when co-workers and clients treat the business world as ultra-important-highly-critical-jump-because-I-said-so. No one will die because you made a mistake in judging your own needs and I shouldn't have to come in to correct it and our management team shouldn't allow it. But they do. And they will. And that's how it is.

Yes, I know I'm not in the right line of work. You may enjoy your job. I do not. I'm like Jim from the American version of "The Office" from the first season (because he later changed his mind) that I'm glad my job is not a career, because if it were I'd kill myself. I wouldn't ever kill myself, though. Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem and there's too much I haven't done yet to even THINK about shortening my lifespan. So no worries, but I might on the rare occasion only wish I were dead. Or wish that someone else was.

I don't like my job, but it has been stable employment for nine years. Being a low-level employee for the rest of my life doesn't sit well. I already know that I'm most likely never going to be promoted within this company. So, there's that phrase "grow where you're planted" that I try to follow. I say this because the one management member feels that you should have to pay your dues to get special privileges. As an assistant I do not "deserve" the perks that the managers get due to their title and years of work. It's that entitlement thing rearing it's ugly head again. Forget that I have a college degree when several of our managers do not. It doesn't matter that I work my tail off and have done the lion's share of the work for particular managers. As long as I don't have the title I don't have the option of leaving early or being invited to client lunches, etc. But according to those rules, I will never have that privilege. It won't matter how many dues I've paid if I never get a reward. See, it's not fair because I don't get the perks. When they say that someone is ruining it for everyone, it usually means that because only some people get special privileges that now no one will get them anymore because someone complained. So I'm not officially complaining to the company. I'm not going to be *that* person.

I did get off early, but I'm still mad that I might not have. Again, I'm tired and sick and grumpy!!!! And I was mad that they were only going to let ONE of the two admins go home early. I usually am the one to stay due to circumstances. The other girl was nice and said I could go this time. Wonderful! I was going to. But then it wasn't fair to her that she had to stay. We ended up guilting one of the managers to stay as he'd already committed to the one management member that someone would be there to take the phone calls that probably didn't happen. I have a feeling that they (the two managers in our office today) were going to be allowed to go home while one of us lowly admins had to stay. Sheesh! To be truly fair, if you are closing the main office then all the smaller offices should close at the same time. You cannot successfully preach that we are "one" company (due to mergers and buy-outs and the melding of several previous companies) when you don't have the same rules for everyone. And if I were in charge, everyone in our office and all the rest would have been able to leave at 1:00 p.m. or have had the entire day off.

Thank you for letting me rant. I feel better now.

Single for the Holidays

It's that time of year when concerned persons start asking what you're doing for the holidays. Are you going home? No? Then are you at least taking some time off from work? No? Are you spending the day with friends? No? Do you want to spend time with myriads of my relatives who you don't know so you won't be alone? No?

To all of you who have checked with me to see what I'm doing, thank you for thinking of me and I appreciate that you care. However, spending time with tons of people I don't know is always awkward. And when the one person you know is the host or hostess, then you don't get to talk to them very much. It's easier for me if I actually know other members of your family. And if they know me, even better.

I know that being alone on the holidays is a difficult concept for people who have always spent winter vacations with family. And it's sweet that people love me enough to want to include me. Let me set the record straight: though I may be alone on Christmas, I will not be lonely. I sleep in, eventually roll out of bed and then open my presents, call my family and thank them for whatever they gave me, perhaps see a movie, make a non-traditional meal like salmon, and NOT watch sports. It's a great day! And I don't have to work.

I opted not to go home for Christmas this year for several reasons.

1. I can't afford to go on my own and whoever buys my ticket so they can see me "owns" me for the duration of the vacation. I would rather go on my own dime and rent a car. The last few times I've gone home I've only seen family and I have a TON of friends that I haven't seen in at least a decade.

2. My dad is recovering from non-invasive cancer treatments. Though he sounds peppier on the phone, I'm sure my mom would just put me to work if I came home. I don't know about you, but that doesn't sound vacation-y. Not that I wouldn't offer to help, because I totally would. I just think my mom would want to use me more than I was willing to give. Yes, it sounds petty. You'd have to know my mother.

3. If I don't stay with my parents but stay with my sister, then I will barely see my parents (and vice versa - it's a given that I'll barely see my brother no matter where I stay). It's difficult when you are without transportation and family in the area lives in three different cities.

4. I'm saving up my vacation time for a supposed family reunion/landmark parental anniversary which may or may not be happening as it might be this coming summer in a foreign country on a trip I can't afford. My parents would and may still help me with that plane ticket, but again, I don't have much say in the matter if I'm not footing the bill. I'm too old to sleep for days on a couch or pull-out bed because it's cheaper if a single sibling shares a suite with another sibling and their family. I'd like my own room, but if I'm not paying I don't get that luxury.

5. The most embarrassing reason: I don't like opening my presents in front of other people anymore. I love presents and I love opening presents. When I'm by myself I can stretch the experience out and savor each moment. Even doing this I'm done in a rather short time. Stretching out the experience is much harder to do when I'm opening my presents with family when they have at least three presents to each one of mine. I tend to begin resenting the fact that I don't have a spouse and children to add to the small pile o' presents when I watch other people open gifts for seemingly hours. I sadly admit to being petty about it. When I open my presents alone there is no competition on who got the best, most, or highest-priced. Not that there was ever an actual contest, if you don't count the one in my head. So in that respect I really do feel like Dudley Dursley. I'm ashamed of it. I'm aware of it. I try to avoid the situation.

So to recap: I am looking forward to having a holiday on my own timetable and not someone else's. I won't end up feeling obligated or embarrassed, just happy and joyful. I'm sure that if I had been able to go home I would be happy, too, but in spurts and I'd have to lecture myself later on being kinder internally to others during present time. Wouldn't it be nicer if in the spirit of Christmas everyone gave service to others and NOT presents? Giving *is* nice, but it doesn't help that my funds are . . . lacking . . . this year and the most I can give to my family is my love. Except for my brother as he's single, too, and I think I can scrape together a few dollars to buy him something so he has another gift to open as love doesn't come in a tangible package. Sorry, sisters!!!!!!! It's too bad I'm still paying off my surgery from June....

Flexibility in Life is Not a Bad Thing

I never thought that the inability to afford my own place for several years would lead to a strength of flexibility. Apparently, living with others and not being able to make many of your own choices can lead to learning how to compromise, how to live with lots of different types of people, when to move out when the people you live with turn out to be crazy, etc. It was quite a learning process. It has also helped that I don't really make the decisions at work. Yes, I can be decisive, but now I am also willing to defer a choice to someone who is more passionate than I am when a decision doesn't matter to me. Ha ha.

The last couple of days I've had a quote running through my head, "adapt or die." When we decide to be rigid and stubborn to the point of damage to one's self, that's just unhealthy. I'm guilty of that. My stubbornness has been helpful on the rare occasion, but mostly it just gets in the way of my ability to accept change. Like the whole Apple/Macintosh/i-whatever thing. I've personally had bad experiences with Apple, but most of my family hasn't and happily use their products. I don't on principle but it's possible that I'll have to take back my oath of no-i-things-ever one day. Which is exactly what happened when I swore I'd never let my hair be layered again. That promise to myself lasted until a) layered hair came back into style and b) I had a hairdresser who knew how to cut my hair so that layers were actually attractive on my head. So, never say never or it will come back to haunt you. And I realize that the phrase should be something like "avoid saying never," but the other way is funnier. I'm always looking for the "funny."

Because I do tend to cut off my nose to spite my face (I know it's an odd phrase, but it works for me), I think I'm better qualified to notice this trait in others. I have a co-worker in the midst of their own personal battle with our company. As with many other businesses in this shaky economic atmosphere, our company has cut back on the "extras." It's probable that we'll never get those perquisites (shortened to perks) back once the economy recovers, so we must learn to live with less. Trying to bend the company to your own will for your own selfishly stubborn foolhardy unnecessary "needs" probably won't work. And when a company isn't shy about letting people go (when the opposite used to be true), perhaps making the company mad isn't recommended. It's also true that company loyalty is ALSO no longer rewarded...and businesses wonder why the younger the workforce, the more likely they'll hop from job to job for better pay and/or treatment.

If I don't learn to roll with the punches at my place of business, I might lose my ability to live without roommates. And though it is extremely tempting to look for a new job so that I might actually enjoy what I do more than I do presently, my current stilted career path leaves me time to do other things...like maybe actually finish the novel I've been writing for years. If I can work on being more disciplined in my writing habits, that is.

As a side note, I would like to mention that it would be nice if the those that run our company would also take a long, hard look at adaptation and its benefits. Then they might not have as much of an alarming employee turnover which is starting to include people who once expected to retire from the company and aren't that far away from when they planned to. That's a bad sign when even the "lifers" are looking to leave when they're so close to earning a full pension. But it's an employer's market and for every one person miserable at work there are many others who would figuratively kill for a job, even one with few benefits.

So I'll try harder to be happy with what I have, even if it isn't great or perfect, and work on my own side projects. I hear that even if I get published, including more than once, that I'll probably have to keep my day job. So I'd better. I don't want to live on anybody's couch and I don't have a sugar daddy to provide for me...so I'm on my own to work this out. Good luck to me.

Gratitudiness

Thanksgiving has come and gone and I've not yet acknowledged what I'm thankful for. There are a lot of things that I think are just peachy and I believe I'd like to share.

First, I'm thankful that sister numero uno let me invite myself to her place for the holiday weekend. It helped that I brought her second child with me on the drive. However, even if said child wasn't nearby where I live, my sister would have let me come, anyway. If I didn't bring her child, though, there may not have been an acceptance (but I would never have abandoned her child in favor of my own needs--you just don't do that).

Second, I'm thankful for being employed. Since I opted out of being a starving artist for being a fed human being who does not a) permanently live with their parents (SHUDDER) and b) living on friends' and family's couches until my welcome and moochiness is no longer tolerated, it's nice to be able to live on my own and pay the bills. For some odd reason I enjoy the comforts of a dry place to sleep, indoor plumbing, and food I choose to buy and eat that is not from a dumpster (you dumpster divers who do not need to are really, extremely, certifiably weird).

As for "Black Friday," the family went to Target Thanksgiving night after 9 p.m. I've never purposely shopped on Black Friday, and technically it was Thursday, so I was surprised at how organized and FAST the experience was. Though we did hear that this morning was supposed to be lousy with people. As I am not the fondest of crowds of people milling about, the fewer amount of people, though still more that I'm truly comfortable with, was preferred. And I bought some movies and tried to keep my spending to a modest amount and was told that I'd saved $30. I thanked the person checking us out for sacrificing their Thanksgiving for working. She was very sweet, and apparently known to my sister and her family. Awesome! So, I was thankful that I was able to buy stuff on sale without a crushing crowd of jostling people while still receiving a sale price. I've shopped once late on Black Friday and on occasion the Saturday after and it's usually picked clean of the stuff I wanted. Sigh.

No, I didn't plan out the night and camp out and try to beat people to what I wanted. I wasn't even sure what I wanted, just that I was curious which movies they had on sale. So, bonus! Here's one of my general attitudes about life: if you have low expectations you are usually sure to wreak some enjoyment out of life. For example: seeing Batman and Robin for the first time was a very comedic experience that I enjoyed immensely. I'm fond of campiness in the movies and didn't expect much from the film when I went into the theater. I was the only one laughing and enjoying myself. Seriously, people, you expected more from a film with George Clooney as Batman? REALLY?

I spent some time in a mall on Friday, so now I have purposely shopped on Black Friday. I was successful in purchasing some knit gloves on the cheap from a store I don't usually go into. Is it bad that I ended up drooling, but not purchasing, inside a Lego store? Oh, so many, many sets that I don't have the funds for or space to keep. An actual Death Star? A very large R2-D2? Recommended for 16+? Oh, I definitely geeked out. And then left. I have some measure of self-control...and a budget. Again, I believe I've already mentioned I have my own place. I'd like to keep it that way. Maybe I should set aside some money every month just for splurging on those fun things. I will have to sacrifice some other luxury spending item, like maybe the DVD portion of my Netflix account, but I think I might enjoy the Legos more than the ability to not watch a DVD that's been sitting in my place for two months while still paying the monthly fee. Must think on it further....

How To Use Jedi Mind Tricks In Real Life

I have a skill that involves convincing people of the opposite of what they want to do in favor of what I want to do. I'm serious. I have witnesses. I've even had someone quote after one of these events: "These are not the droids you're looking for."

The key is: confidence. If you are confident that what you're doing is the right thing people tend to believe you. Crazy, no? I've been told that I'm brave or that I have moxie or other adjectives such as those. I'm not. I freely admit that it's just bluster. I again refer to The King and I. This time, though, it has to do with the song "I Whistle A Happy Tune." It's not just a great number in that movie as it was also done quite funnily on "The Muppet Show" with guest star Julie Andrews. Good times!

My mother raised us on musicals and Star Trek, so that may explain my obsession with show tunes and space battles. Or not. And speaking of Star Wars, Mark Hamill also guested on "The Muppet Show," but I have a hard time watching that cringe-worthy episode. I can tell he's having a blast, and Gonzo as Darth Nader (as well as droid and Wookie special guest stars) is spectacular. But, wow, Mr. Hamill, you were a little over-OVER-excited.

Where was I? Oh, right: making believe I was brave. It probably helped that when I was younger (and even shorter) we had a musical toy that played the song, too. And tending to believe everyone who told me anything (I was super impressionable and an advertiser's dream when I went food shopping with family and quoted the television commercials and sang the jingles for name-brand products), I took it as truthful advice. I'm a coward at heart, but, really, who isn't? It's very easy to be terrified and do nothing. I've heard that bravery is being scared, but doing things anyway. I credit my drama classes in high school and the years of being over-dramatic in learning how to ACT brave, which is not the same thing as being brave. But I can be quaking in my boots and not have my knees knocking together. Yea!

I used to sing solos in church and was always so terrified that I had a very fast, very unnatural vibrato. After I graduated college one of my friends made me sing in church often enough so that I wasn't so scared anymore. I'm still more confident in singing duets and trios, but I no longer have the bad vibrato when I solo; enough so that after I sang in a church service with people who used to sit through my musical assaults one member of the congregation couldn't stop complimenting me on my improvement. ...Uh, thanks?

So when you find yourself suddenly agreeing with me when you didn't mean to, don't worry, you're not the first. And I promise to always use my powers for good. And when you've mastered the whole cause and effect thing and feel guilty that you're using it for your own benefit and no one else's, good. Don't do that again. If you are to be benefited by using such techniques, make sure you're doing it more for others than yourself. Your powers are great and you don't want to give into the Dark Side. I do possess a bumper sticker that one of my friends gave me that states: I was seduced by the chocolate side of the Force. I can tell you truly that I've never been tempted by the dark chocolate side, though. Ick. Too bitter.

Just remember, when someone is telling you you can't enter an area because they're closing the gates you can say, "Oh, it's okay. My friends and I need to catch the train and we'll miss it if we walk around. We just need to cut straight through and we can see that the gate on the other side is still open." If you smile and say it sweetly it is most effective. I've also convinced people that I didn't need to move my car out of a parking lot exit until the other car we were caravanning with drove by. However, the biggest lesson for me was when I knew that by inviting my father to go with me to the new grocery store it would result in his buying my food as well as his. I did it anyway and then felt horribly guilty for purposely using him as I'd hoped for that outcome. That was the last selfish time. I guess it helps that I only use the skill when it's unimportant and won't hurt anyone. I'm trying to be good and I don't actually like to inconvenience people. So maybe that's the secret, confidence and niceness. Well, I never said I was a Jedi Master (even if I have a badge from Walt Disney World's Star Tours that says differently). I'm really just a Padawan.

Trapping Stray Thoughts

I believe that we have more control over our minds than anyone could have thought possible. However, much of what we lack is discipline. I've been watching a lot of Star Trek Voyager these last few weeks and have seen some benefit of choosing to think like a Vulcan. Not the whole lack of emotion thing, because that's weird, but of being specific in the type of ways we think.

How many times have we heard about marriages breaking up because of affairs and the two participants stating: we couldn't help ourselves? It was meant to be. It was bigger than both of us. Yeah, right. There was a time where that attraction (which is FAR from inevitable) could have been nipped in the proverbial bud and made that particular possibility "inconceivable." First, why, oh why, would you think that someone who married is even eligible for your affection? I don't know about you, but I'd prefer a man who keeps his commitments and honors his promises. I think I'd lose respect for both him and me if we participated in the dissolution of a marriage. There are some women, sadly, who only crave men who are unavailable. Or if they desire being with a powerful man, a wife is inconsequential in their goal. Why?

I don't understand it. To me a married man is not connected to my dating pool. It's true that a married man doesn't have his guard up and is usually kinder than single guys who believe you're below their notice. And it can be nice to have someone of the opposite gender pay attention to you. HOWEVER, if you feel that you are becoming attracted to someone who is married, you have the ability to stop feeling those emotions. I know. I've done it. More than once. You just shut those feelings down and make sure you're never alone with that guy until it's as if you never felt any stirrings of emotion for them.

And it's probably easier to do that at the beginning than if you've obsessed about him, fantasized about things, etc. Here's another thing: my odd scruples about Hollywood crushes. Once a guy I think is dreamy has walked down that aisle, I have to give him up. I don't feel right lusting after a married man. To be fair, I try not to actually lust after any man because I think that's rather unhealthy...but I end the attraction when he's no longer available. Also, I end an attraction if I find out he's not interested in women. Sadly, several of my crushes have come out of the closet which makes me think I need some dating therapy (because, apparently, I am attracted to men who are a different type of "unavailable").

It's not easy being strict with your thoughts and emotions, but it is possible. It's not hard to let your emotions get the better of you, but you don't have to live life that way. I know there are still areas of my thought processes that could use improvement, like the part that cares too much of what other people think of me, or the thinking poorly about myself, or the perfectionist mentality that allows me to fail and do nothing because if I can't do it perfectly, why bother. So I know I have more challenges ahead of me. But I have worked hard on not thinking negatively about others when I'm out and about. So when I'm faced with thinking critically about a stranger on the street, as soon as I start a negative thought I drown it out by thinking of the Smurfs theme song from the cartoon years ago. It's annoying. I don't like it. And it's like aversion therapy. I haven't been running that song in my head very often recently because I'm training myself to not think about strangers negatively. Yea! It would be fabulous if I never had to think of that tune again. Of course, the la la la's are banging about it my head right now just writing about this. Ah, well.

So let me sum up: trap those stray thoughts and purge them before they lead to any inappropriate action. I'm always relieved when after I find myself starting down a questionable path that I retreat and go a different way. Backtracking is possible. No roads are inevitable or destiny or anything else that would excuse your lack of self-control. My behavior is mine and there are consequences in life. It's up to me to act in a way that the consequences would be positive instead of negative. It's also important to remember that when I fail, there's a way to come back. I believe in repentance and atonement with my full being and am grateful that clean slates are possible.

Can you be in love with a language?

I love the English language. It fascinates me. There's always some new word to learn and its origin to explore. You'd think that since I loved my college class on the history of the English language that I might have pursued a linguistics degree instead of a straight English degree, but you'd be wrong. I hated school and straight English with no teaching was the program that would allow me to graduate the fastest. I think of my Bachelor of Arts as a badge of honor since I had to endure so many hours of torture to get it. I had dreams of becoming a writer and did my best to take the available writing courses, but the real purpose of that degree was to pump out critics. And contribute to more liberal arts degrees for kids who then have a hard time applying those skills in the real world.

Sure, having a degree in English would be a great base for moving on in schooling. In fact, I wish it were required for pre-law and premed. Lawyers and attorneys have a great knack for slaughtering the real meaning of words in their legalese until all legal documents don't make a lick of sense. They're counting on their ability to obfuscate their intentions so you agree to hand over your first born and perhaps an unneeded limb without realizing it. If only it were just explained in the fine print then it might still be legible with a magnifying glass. As for doctors, they really do need to have a better mastery of English. I was part of a local project to digitize medical abstracts from The Journal of the American Medical Association (JAMA) and was told that the digital version had to match what was printed and I was NOT ALLOWED to correct the grammar. That was torture. Not only could I not edit what really needed to be edited, I also learned about a lot of experiments on rats and mice which made me slightly ill. And not just because I am not fond of rodents.

I also struggle with corporate-ese. Do you know how many catch-phrases that the corporate world gloms onto that don't actually mean what they're intending to say? Engineers, particularly, often misuse words, but because none of them studied their own language enough the misuse is "the accepted standard." Horrifying. I've had arguments with them that the word doesn't mean that and they should use something else. Apparently Engineers are stubborn and would rather use a word incorrectly as a whole because that's what everybody else is using than fix it. I thought it was their job to fix things. Perhaps I'm wrong?

I have read a lot in my life. I love books and there have been times that I devoured them on a regular basis. Because of this much of my vocabulary was learned through reading. I've been accused of constant mispronunciation. Okay, but even if I'm saying it incorrectly, I know I'm using the right term. So, there.

Here's the thing, though: people struggle with what to call me based on my degree. It's true that I'm not a scientist, engineer, doctor, lawyer, athlete, teacher, etc. But I am NOT an "English Major." I was while I was getting my degree, but then I graduated. To continue calling me an English major seems as if I am constantly pursuing a formal education. I realize that there is no official term for a person that completed my program, otherwise you could call me an Englishist or Englisher. Neither of those terms exists (and one sounds like a swear word). So, perhaps you shouldn't refer to my degree as a definition for what I am, because it doesn't work. Please do, however, use the terms "educated" or even the apropos "underemployed." Ha!

I stand corrected! In using the spellcheck option before posting, Englishist was, indeed, not a term, but Englisher apparently is. I went to Dictionary.com and it says that the word means "a person who translates from a foreign language into English." So, yes, I am still learning about this complicated, frustrating, wonderful language. How marvelous!

Inevitable Imperfection

Some people worry that one day, maybe far in the future, maybe next week, that machines might actually take over the world. That movies like I, Robot and The Matrix trilogy are inevitable. You know what I say to that? Phooey! I'm sorry, but have you ever used a computer before? How often has your computer frozen or a program died for no apparent reason? Hmmm. Well, how about the fact that computers and computer programs are created and written by imperfect people? It doesn't matter how many times someone rechecks their work to find a flaw, there will be at least one if not many more. I've seen those jokes based on the premise: What if Microsoft was a car? And Apple has flaws, too. Or didn't you know that they have to sell a new phone every year because if you don't buy a new one with every release your phone will die because it's not that well-made (despite the hype and rabid following).

Feel free to be mad, but it's true. You could even call it planned obsolescence...but in some cases it's just flawed. My mother told me about how the Amish are so good at quilting that they purposely put a "mistake" in each quilt because only Heavenly Father can make something perfect. She was quite impressed with that. I tried not to giggle after she related the story (I can't remember if I was successful--there may have been a sarcastic laugh). Really? They think they're that good? Nowhere in that entire quilt is a flaw they didn't intend? It sounds more like pride than skill to me. But then, I know I'm not perfect.

I also know that no one else currently on Earth is perfect, either. So, imperfect parents raise imperfect children who grow up and have their own children that they also help flaw along in this world. So we should cut our parents some slack if they've tried their hardest to raise us the best way they knew how. For those parents that didn't try their hardest...or didn't ever try...or gave up a long time ago...that's all on them. Feel free to be mad in those types of situations, but you should probably seek therapy so you can stop being mad eventually. I guess that also means that if you make a mistake as a parent you're probably going to have to forgive yourself. And if you have any siblings, it's good to forgive them, too. Often brothers and/or sisters make mistakes or hurt you in ways they didn't intend, or as badly as it happened, or perhaps you were unaware of an issue and you're still getting blow back from it decades later. To my siblings: I'm sorry! Truly! Please forgive me!!!!!! I'm not the same person as when I was 6 or 10 or 14 or 18, so please somehow find a way to let it go. I probably didn't even mean it (hopefully). And I would like to forget it ever happened, but you keep reminding me. Ha ha.

So as the Borg, and now the Observers, say: resistance is futile. Of course, I prefer the Vogon's version: resistance is useless (just because I think they're hilarious). It's true that we can't escape being fallible. However, as in most things we do have a measure of control. I may have many flaws, but I still have a choice on how I deal with them--work at polishing them away through hard work and true change or by making them larger until I shatter from too many fissures and not enough substance. Stasis isn't possible and never has been. I will choose the polishing method. It may be a long and painful process, but I'm hoping the result will be worth it. Shiny!

Please stop shattering my illusion of control

I have a working theory that anger is often the emotion we feel after someone has broken the illusion that we were in control. Of anything. Even as I kid I was angry when I didn't get what I wanted, but it's probably because I expected to get it because I thought I had some influence over the outcome. Yeah, that was a control issue, too.

So I'm truly at my happiest when I realize I'm not in control of things. I have some control over my own life...when I'm not at work. I cannot seem to control the outcome of me with other people, though. I'm still single because I have no influence at all on how or what boys think of me. It doesn't matter what I try, so I've stopped trying. I haven't given up, mind you, but I've stopped trying to be someone other than geeky ol' me. I can't pull off glamorous or mysterious. Nerdy, yes. Awkward, check. Lots and lots of friends who are girls who think I'm awesome and wonder why the boys are blind, and how!

I do have a temper. I don't like it one bit and I get angry at myself when I let my emotions get the best of me. It's because I've realized Once Again that I'm not as self-possessed as I'd like to be or even thought I was. Some people just go with the flow and appreciate their life just as it is. I am often unable to achieve that level of zen. I worry a lot. A LOT. My mother taught me that skill and I've kept it up with lots of practice. I'm hoping to get to a point when I'm rusty at it, but it hasn't happened yet.

But back to not being in control at work. I do have my tiny sphere of things-I-can-do-without-being-told-to-do-them, but those duties are in my job description and are expected. But sometimes, sometimes no one who makes the bigger decisions is around and someone else wants an answer ASAP. This is where I have not learned to let go of the decision. I get mad when someone asks me for permission for something and I say "no" because it's against policy, and then they go around me and ask the person who wasn't presently here so they can try to get a "yes." And if they get a "yes" it infuriates me. Because I tried to take control and I really didn't have it and why can't everyone say "no" so they'll stop trying to go above my head? Sigh. Note to self: don't ever make the decision yourself, be vague, and take your time getting back to them. Ha!

It's probably a good thing that I'm in a good place mentally as I write this. If I wrote it during an angry tirade I'd probably come off as petty and peevish. My anger is usually about the "I" of things. I didn't get the part I auditioned for and I think I'm a better actress than the one who did. I thought I was going to marry that boy who decided to choose someone else. I thought I told you "no" and that would be good enough and that you'd trust my judgement with that answer. You are purposely undermining me in front of everyone when you gave me the authority to make these kinds of decisions. "Et cetera, et cetera, et cetera." That's the second time I've quoted that line from Rodgers & Hammerstein's The King and I in a week's time (the 1956 musical with Yul Brynner and Deborah Kerr).

Does anyone else have this issue and anger/control? Is it just me? I can't be *that* unique. Somehow I've got to be just like the rest of humanity....

I have some friends who don't like to make decisions. This used to annoy me to no end when it was "their" turn to choose things like a place to eat or a movie to see. But now instead of being angry when they won't choose a restaurant when it's their turn, I've figured out a solution: offer them the choice of a place and if they can't think of one after a certain amount of time, make the decision yourself. If they felt strongly about anything in particular they should state it up front instead of making us drag it out of them after who knows how long. And if you're annoyed that your friends never let you choose what you want to do, you should make a decision on something BEFORE you get together so your wish can be made known. Okay? I always have a place in mind, but I was trying to be courteous and fair. Don't hate me because you can't assert yourself even when you're asked to, begged to, and/or expected to.

Just so we're clear, I'm not relinquishing all decision-making in my life to achieve a state of happiness, I'm just admitting that even when I make a choice that there's a possibility that it won't end up like I expected. I should have lower expectations...in some aspects of my life. I realized with the last boy I dated that my expectations were too low as far as the male species was concerned. So, higher expectations in the behavior of a guy I might like and lower expectations in general of any outcome whatsoever.

Well, I'll give it a try or three and hope for a better me.

Why is it not okay to admit what you want?

As children we are trained to ask for what we want politely, though sometimes we'd say "pretty please with sugar on top" while maybe hopping up and down because we want it so much. Just pointing and saying "want" didn't work after age 2. Pointing and grunting was also discouraged.

So, tell me, when did it become not okay to admit that we want things? Why is part of the passage into "adulthood" often not being able to be honest with one another? If I am on a first date at a restaurant, I am NOT ordering a salad. That's not what I want to eat and if you wanted someone who actually wanted to eat salad for dinner you wouldn't have asked me out anyway. It's true that in the past I would have (secretly unhappily) ordered a salad as I heard that it's what you were supposed to do, but it's silly and I'm not doing it anymore. I'm also more self-possessed than I was years ago, so am not really interested in doing everything the way you're supposed to.

I am not allowed to utter the following phrases in a mixed company of singles: I would like to date, I would like to have a boyfriend, I would like to be married one day. Apparently, saying such things out loud is highly scandalous. Once you say anything close to that single men treat you like a pariah and you might as well have leprosy. Don't they also want to date, find someone to date exclusively, and then one day be married? So, why isn't it okay to say it? I didn't say I wanted to marry them in particular, I just would like to be married someday.

Yes, it's true that when I was in kindergarten I chased around a boy during recess and told him that I was going to kiss him. He was very good at running away. Poor thing, I probably scarred him for life. What I did take away from the experience, though, is that I am a coward at making first moves. When I finally caught him and I was in prime kissing position, I freaked out and let him go. I didn't chase him after that. My bluff had been called. It was many, many years after that when I was first kissed.

I think it is problematic of my faith that there are many more single women than men who regularly attend. This means that the men that do go, regardless of wealth or even if they are attractive, are consistently swarmed by women who would like to date them. Why choose just one woman when you can have an unofficial harem at your beck and call? This is to the guys' advantage, however, and they get asked out and have dinners cooked for them and if they do date exclusively and then break up, there's no proper waiting period before they're dating someone else.

I am never one of those girls on the arm of those guys who are dating. I'm more like that funny girl that everyone likes to be around but no one knows why they're still single (because no one is asking me out, genius). That's great that my friends think I'm awesome and they don't know who is good enough to set me up with. Just greeeeaaaaaaaaaaat. Again, I could date if I didn't care who it was or whether they were in my faith or not. But that's not me. Besides, I'd annoy any guy who was only occasionally religious as I am very much so. I'm about as straight-laced as you can get. So, yes, my dating options are limited and the older I get the sparser they become.

I also don't like to compete. So you won't find me joining the hopeful entourage of the very popular guys. I'll be in the fringe flirting heavily with guys who *aren't* being swarmed. This hasn't worked so far. I'll have to work up a new strategy, like being just me, but being emotionally available for whatever may or may not come. And asking my friends to set me up. Or putting up a dating profile on one of those sites. Yep, I think it's about that time.

Don't Judge Me Because I Was A Scheduled Surgery

My mother has told me the story that around the time of my birth there was a betting pool going around with expectant mothers guessing when their child would be born. As I was a scheduled surgery, my mother felt it would be wrong to participate. I'm assuming that the cesarean section (c-section) was scheduled around 8:00 a.m. as I was born at 8:06 a.m. Again, just guessing. Never been pregnant (haven't had that opportunity). I was the fourth of the five children my mom had by c-section. She couldn't deliver us naturally and, boy, she wanted children!

People will always find something to be prejudiced about. I'm really big on free will. I think everyone has a human right to do what they want...provided that they are well-informed that no matter what they may choose there are consequences to those choices and that they are willing to live with whatever may happen next. For example: I like cakes and cookies. I know that when I eat them too often I will gain weight. I can workout to keep off the pounds from such indulgences, give up eating the sweets, or do something drastic to try to remove the consequence of weight gain, such as surgery. If I decided to get liposuction ONLY because I didn't want to work to lose the weight or prevent the gaining of it in the first place, then that would be irresponsible as there is a chance of death from the surgery. I mean, I might feel like my lungs are going to explode if I run for any length of time, but they won't. My asthma isn't *that* bad. Don't get me wrong, you are allowed to have liposuction just as I am allowed to think it's risky to do so.

So, if you're allowed to do what I deem "extremely weird" by having your childbirth happen in a kiddie pool in your living room and then eat the placenta afterwards, then I should be allowed to have a c-section if necessary, as that will most likely be my outcome of ever getting pregnant. Yesterday I read an article about a non-protest on childbirth  (held on Labor Day, no less) which has me very, extremely, frighteningly concerned. Despite the protestations of the website claiming that the people gathering nationally with picket signs wasn't a protest, this only opens the door to judginess. If you are doing your best to educate people on not having voluntary inductions and cesareans, you also run the risk of people judging others on their birthing choices who have chosen differently than you have. Though it may be true that some women want to get out of being pregnant earlier than their due date or their child's own internal clock, it is also true that some of those inductions and c-sections were necessary.

When you don't actually know the history of such a choice, are you sure you can properly look down upon someone who makes it? My mother would never ever have been able to pass any of her children the "normal" way. Surgery was necessary for the first through fifth child for our mutual survival. Due to genetics, there would be a high probability that if my mother couldn't deliver vaginally, then it was likely that the same would happen to any of her daughters. Of my three sisters, only one has not had to have a c-section. Of the one sister who has birthed both ways, her doctor cautioned against a VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean) for her third child as her second had to be removed via c-section for health reasons. Yes, it was for a legitimate emergency. She didn't have the highly risky (for her and her baby) VBAC. All my sisters, as well as their children, are alive and well.

Because my sisters share some of their life stories with me, I know that one had to sit through a very uncomfortable conversation where someone else was sharing their horror story of almost having to have a cesarean as if it were an evil thing, but prayer saved them in the end. Good for you! However, my sister felt diminished from having had to do such a thing as having her children surgically removed, though none of them would be alive if she hadn't. A different sister had to hear how feeding your child formula was irresponsible (actually, not having enough colostrum is also common in my genetics and not supplementing breast milk with formula may have led to my sisters' children starving, but let's not take something like *that* into account).

But people are passionate. They are passionate that others should be just like them. You may have noticed such behavior in politics. Can I just say that I'm soooooooo happy that a) I can't afford cable or satellite, b) digital television by antenna simply doesn't work, and c) watching television over the Internet really cuts down on political blechiness. I don't like muckraking and never have. Stop being not nice to each other (this means even on facebook). I am abstaining from being overtly political online because 1) I have had to sit through many, MANY political discussions where the party I usually align myself with has been thoroughly dissected and insulted by family members that assumed I was part of their political belief system and 2) hating groups of people because of their personal beliefs makes me uncomfortable. So I will do what I always do and vote according to my conscience, which includes learning candidates' political platforms by researching online directly from their websites. If you don't have a website or if your political goals are not clearly stated on them then I am not voting for you. Tres simple, non?

I am already aware that I will have to have surgery during childbirth if I want living children. It would not matter how much I researched other options and alternative birthing methods. It would be irresponsible of me to not have good prenatal care or go to the hospital when it's time. But I may never have to make such a choice as I'm still single and am not going to purposely go the single-parent route. And if I pass along my genetics, then my children will also run the risk of having to have a c-section. So, you see, it could be that there are more cesareans performed in the USA because we have been performing them longer than a lot of other countries and allowing children such as I to live and procreate, therefore passing along the same health issue (this has led to my concern about those who have to use fertility treatments to conceive--will their children be even less fertile--I don't know). So, to recap: child birthing is a miracle no matter how you do it. Don't mistake it for anything other than that. And don't judge me for leaning on modern medicine for my survival. I'm going to do it anyway and I'd rather not have someone trying to make me feel guilty for doing so. That's what consequences are for....

Being Cheap Means Never Choosing The Lowest Bidder

For some reason we humans loooooove to believe we're getting a deal. Why else would counterfeit and faux clothing/accessories be such a booming business? Personally, I don't care what the brand is on the clothes I wear as long as it's made well. I really don't like wearing a piece of clothing once or twice and having it shred or tear or, heaven forbid, fall apart the first time it's washed. And I really hate pulling on a pair of of hosiery and getting a run AS I'm putting them on. Stupid hose. I would prefer to pay a little bit more to get good quality. So I prefer tights. They're more expensive because they're thicker and stretchy and last a really long time. Why don't more women wear them? Is it because they get baggy at the ankles? Maybe so, but I get to buy them less and I'm happier with that.

I know that in today's economy a lot of manufacturers have tried to cut back on quality so they can keep the same price. I say that's silly. If the consumer is trying to save pennies on toilet paper by already buying one-ply, manufacturers are just cheating them by making the toilet paper even thinner, therefore forcing people to use more of the product which they will then have to buy more often. The same goes for making the cardboard tube bigger. You're forcing the consumer to buy more anyway, so just make it like you used to and make the price higher (but not unreasonably so). I'd rather you cut back on the packaging budget.

Plastic grocery bags got thinner. I understand the reasoning, but having my grocery bags splitting halfway to my front door and dumping out what I just bought makes me a bit frustrated. Now I will have to go back and consume more and hope that the bagger doesn't overfill those plastic bags (because I left my reusable bags in the house...AGAIN).

There's a saying: you get what you pay for. I wish that were true. I thought I was paying for my favorite frozen dinner, but then you had to add cheaper ingredients, like peanuts, that I don't think should be in the green beans with my glazed chicken. More expensive slivered almonds, sure, but not peanuts. Besides, when did you add nuts at all? Also, several of my fave frozen dinners have added mushrooms as fillers. I love mushrooms, so I'm actually thrilled by that change. But adding wood (cellulose) to food: that's not fiber that I'd ever thought I'd be eating on purpose. Oh, wait, it's NOT on purpose. Who thought THAT was a good idea. Thanks, FDA, for not stopping that.

At the place I work at, I get to live with the result of choosing the lowest bidder. I understand the company has a bottom line, but I have come to believe that you should always throw out the lowest and highest bidder and go for one of the realistic budgets in the mid-range. I've heard Mike Holmes say it time and again on Holmes on Homes. I also heard it twice in Armageddon. Steve Buscemi's character says to Bruce Willis' character, "You know we're sitting on 4,000,000 pounds of fuel, one nuclear weapon, and a thing that has 270,000 moving parts built by the lowest bidder. Makes you feel good, doesn't it?" I also have to add another favorite line: "Back off, you don't know the components!" "The components: American components, Russian components, all made in Taiwan!" Gets me every time. Especially Lev (Peter Stormare in real life) using the wrench to hit the components to get them to work. Hee hee hee.

In the long run, you have to pay more for the cheapest bidder because there are always, ALWAYS, things somebody didn't take into account and you have to shell out more money than if you had gone with the company that thought ahead and already had a good deal built into their bid. Sigh. So, look at the long run, not the short. What's that old adage about if something seems too good to be true? Right? Or are they not teaching that anymore. Pity.

Grandparenting: Just Say No

I have some not-so-fond memories of one of my grandfathers. He enjoyed sitting me down and lecturing me on how I was living my life all wrong and that I needed to improve (when I was young and a good-ish child, mind you). I remember one particular instance where I was in view of a large plate glass window and I could envision myself picking up the small ottoman and throwing it through the window at that gorgeous view. I didn't do it. I really wanted to, but I didn't follow through on that fantasy. More than one sibling has reminded me that free advice should go in one ear and out the other, but also to be kind to the person giving it. However, because I have to carefully consider everything that people tell me, I am unable to do the "water off a duck's back" part.

I feel things deeply and don't know how not to. So, when a roommate lectures me on what a horrible person I am, I tend to listen and feel really poorly about myself. After the lecture I go to my room and think. And maybe cry. Do I really do the horrible things the roommate accuses me of or is this just their perception? Are they wrong? Do I need to work on this thing they have issues with? Or am I fine as I am?

This is the same process for my yearly job review (I hate these and believe they are counter-productive and only exist to make you miserable, and I do NOT think they're a "necessary evil"), advice from friends and family, things yelled at me by rude passers-by when I'm trying to lug my groceries into my house, the insults from the panhandlers when I pass them by, though I do have to mention that I laughed internally when someone seriously tried to insult me by calling me a "God-monger" under their breath.

Being raised in a family that had to be Right was a multi-generational issue; hence my grandfather trying to be the family patriarch and insulting me to my core whenever possible. He truly believed he was helping. It was his job, so he thought, to "grandparent" me. But he wasn't my parent. If he thought I was that horrible, he probably should have spoken to my parents about how they were raising me. I don't see that ever going over well, though, so this grandfather took it upon himself to guide me. My parents didn't stop it, as far as I knew. So I felt really guilty when my grandfather died because I loved my other grandfather so much more. My other grandfather just loved me. He just loved all of us. And we knew it. There was no question of his love. He never sat me down to tell me that I should dress differently or always wear my hair up or whatever. He just radiated love.

This is what I wish all grandparents did. So, whenever I hear anyone complaining about their grandchildren and how they're living horrible lives and someone has to do something, I ask them not to lecture and share my experience. Lecturing won't help. And if the parents have been lecturing their children, a generation older really ain't gonna help. If the grandparent is raising that child because of absentee parents, then that's different. They have to stand in that parental role. But don't "grandparent." It's not a thing and it will never be popular in this culture.

Ask yourself: when and if my grandparents lectured me, did it stick? Did I respect them for it? Did I love them more for doing it? If all those answers are "yes," then you'll probably do it anyway. But I'd wait for the grandchildren to come to you for advice because when people ask for advice they are more apt to take it. And if you don't like what's going on with your grandchildren...isn't that a reflection of your own parenting skills in a roundabout kinda way?

As an aunt, I've never been allowed to parent my siblings' children (though I'm sure I tried a few times before I got that well-deserved talking-to and I apologize if I am still perceived as doing it as I really don't mean to). I'd like to stay not-the-parent of other people's children. But I do love discussions and conversations. NOT lectures. And living by example: that's a great one. And loving my siblings' children unconditionally. And giving hugs and telling them I love them no matter what. And embarrassing them by hugging them a ton whenever I see them because I don't see them that often. Love, I believe, is what we should do. Leave lecturing to professors and parents. And it's easier to lecture grandchildren, I think, then to believe that maybe you failed as a parent with your own children.

As for my grandfather that I don't love as much as I'd like: I still sometimes think about that advice, but only on rare occasions like a little over a week ago as I was walking to church. In my head I remembered that when I wear a skirt and blouse they apparently "cut you off in the middle and make you look shorter." Probably, but dresses don't fit me well and I'd rather look like I have a figure, even if it makes me look shorter, than look like I'm wearing a variation of a potato sack. So there. Hmph. Yeah, gotta let. that. go.

A major surprise when I was no longer a young child: my grandfather did love me more than I thought (though he did start saying "I love you" first when saying goodbye on the phone near the end of his life, which was a HUGE accomplishment). When living with a cousin my freshman year of college we discovered that our grandfather would praise us to our cousins, but not to our faces. I would have preferred being praised to my face instead of behind my back. All of us (cousins, too) didn't personally know that he was proud of us.... Well, maybe the cousins that lived nearby. Maybe they knew. But those of us that lived states away? Nope. And for any of my sibs who were directly told he was proud of them, please don't tell me. I don't want to KNOW that he loved you more, even though I may suspect it. Please forever keep me in the dark about that favoritism.

Don't Be A Lemming: or Mob Mentality Leads To The Extinction Of "The Common Good"

In college I learned that some cultures were shame-based while others could be honor-based. If I remember correctly, shame-based means you don't do things that the majority shuns because you don't want the shame and if you're shameless and do it anyway, you lose all your friends. So then honor-based means that you do what is right to maintain your honor because no one wants to lose that because then you're shunned. The Puritans, I think, started our lovely shame-based society many aeons ago (I think some parts of Asia, and maybe the Klingons, are or were honor-based). But now we seem to be both shameless and baseless. Today, anybody is allowed to do whatever they want whenever they want and there ain't nothin' you can do about it. Apparently laws, shame, common sense, and honor are completely ignored.

Bike riders who switch from vehicle to non-vehicle and back again when it's convenient for them. Hey, people on bikes, when you're on the sidewalk or in the crosswalk, you're supposed to be off your bike and walking beside it, not almost running over pedestrians, taking unfair advantage of your ability to traverse crosswalks to create a shortcut and beat the cars, and For Shame, riding blissfully through red lights as if they don't apply to you. Because you can. It's not right and you should be ashamed. But you're not. And I'm NOT supposed to judge you. So...I find your behavior despicable, especially when my life is in danger due to your lack of kindness towards others. And bikes are not allowed in the house! Or on the elevator next to others dressed in their dry-clean-only office clothes. You are dangerous and just because your motor is human doesn't mean that you or an unsuspecting pedestrian can't get really hurt. And if you accidentally knock over an older lady in your haste to get...somewhere, stop and help her instead of leaving her in the middle of the crosswalk with a broken hip (hoping that someone else will have the time to help her or convincing yourself that a woman in her 80's is probably okay from that brush-by that left her on the ground).

Peeing in public. Fortunately for me, I have never been around when someone does this. I *have* seen, though, that someone or some people like to urinate on the flower boxes outside the office building I work in. You can be partially shielded from the street, I guess. But I have two things to say 1) Ew. and 2) EEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!! I have to step over those darker spots (because they head towards the drain nearby) to get into my building. I also do not enjoy stepping over human excrement just lying there on the sidewalk, or, horror of horrors, the "gift" someone left at the midway level of an escalator. Gross. And WHY?!?! It's possible any of these people were inebriated or otherwise chemically-altered, but that really doesn't make it okay. If you're so drunk or high that you don't know it's not appropriate, well, there are no words. Stop drinking or doing whatever makes you unaware of proper waste evacuation etiquette. If not for your own health, then to prevent the recurrence of the Black Plague that ran as rampant as the human waste that everyone emptied into the streets and gutters. Let's not go back to the Dark Ages. Really bad things happened then. And it was dark...and apparently stinky.

Smoking where it boldly says "No Smoking." I get it. The world has decided that the doctors are right and smoking really is bad for you. Now you can't smoke inside, there are less ashtrays for you to throw your cig in, and, hey, who cares about other people who may have breathing issues who have to walk through your cloud of smoke that's being puffed way too close to a building entrance, right next to the air intake for a building, or anywhere where it clearly states that your smoking habit is not welcome. By the way, open grates may seem very convenient to throw your butt into, but you don't know where it leads...like the electrical vault of the building you work at and enough trash thrown down there can start a fire and damage the building and maybe you'll be liable if they find your DNA on the thrown out butts. Maybe. (Also, grates are not good trash receptacles for your fast food remnants that you can't walk 20 feet to the trash bin to throw away in case you might miss your bus that you can see coming from a mile away.)

Cussing in public. Please stop. Please. It's really not okay and have you ever really thought about what that long string of words really means? You don't make sense. And your mind must always be in the gutter. And it's usually hateful.

So, what happened? Why is it okay to behave badly just because other people are doing it and you aren't alone in (usually) acting foolhardy? I fear that our society is leaning towards a new base: mob-based, that because enough of us act a certain way, then it's okay. It's been slowly creeping into our society for centuries, I guess. Perhaps it's part of the "base" part of human nature, to be out for one's self and to ignore the needs of others. I think we all tend to the selfish sometimes and being nice and good can be hard. It reminds me of that movie Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan when Spock sacrificed himself to save everyone and both he and Kirk say the lines "The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few. Or the one." Come to think of it, I think Gene Roddenberry made Vulcans honor-based, too. Of course Captain/Admiral Kirk had to go save a resurrected Spock in the next movie...but that's beside my point.

Too often we allow the needs of the few to outweigh the needs of the many. You can still love people and be disappointed in their behavior. Isn't that a lot of parenting right there? Again, I'm not a parent, so I'm just guessing. But today it's not even okay to say you're disappointed in someone else's behavior because that's not "right." Well, what you were doing wasn't right and not enough of us are standing up and saying either "for shame" or "you are without honor." Making something legal doesn't make it right, even if a lot of people think it is. And the mindset of wanting it to be right so that you're not doing wrong and being offended at the slightest whiff of someone else not agreeing, well, didn't your mom give you a time-out, spanking, or wash your mouth out with soap for behaving naughtily with no thought for others? And now you're an adult with no authority figure to answer to. Note to self: keep trying to be good, even when it's not popular, even if I know my mom isn't going to fly out and give me a time out. To mothers who follow through with threats of punishment: thank you for teaching us rather than just trying to be our friend. Children need boundaries so they realize when they're adults that those boundaries do exist and are necessary. Society would be better for it. Needs of the many, people. Needs of the many.

Why do men say that they're uncomplicated?

I admit, freely, that women are ultra-complicated. None of us think exactly alike and we all have different motivations for why we do what we do. This makes it hard to generalize that "all women" do this, that, or the other. Gross generalizations about the female psyche aren't true, which is why categorizing women as a whole is nigh to impossible. Your best bet is to try to understand one woman at a time. Also, never assume that any woman is exactly like one you've known before; because it really isn't true and is rather unfair to the current woman you're assuming things about. 

I try to be as honest as possible and say what I think and try to say what I mean, though that's really hard sometimes. However, because women have gotten a stereotype over the years of NOT saying what they think, people tend not to believe me. When I say that I'd rather not be group leader, I didn't mean "I'm only saying that I don't want to be the leader because I really want you to show that you like me by picking me, despite my protests." What I meant was "People often choose me to be the leader because I'm good at presenting, but I always tend to be the leader and I'm weary of it and it's someone else's turn."

So I have the impression that I'm simple. But I'm not. I'm sure I'm complicated to others because my motivations are not the same as theirs. So, I've concluded that men think they're simple, but they are also ultra-complicated because their motivations are different from mine. If I flirt, I wouldn't mind being asked out, even if I didn't think it was going to go anywhere. If I avoid you like the plague, I'm not interested. Yet, I've had a few guys happily flirt with me (because, face it, it's fun) that had no intention of ever asking me out. I have also been mistaken (sadly, more than once) when I thought I was on a date, but apparently a guy can ask you out, pick you up, take you to dinner, and pay for you both without considering it a date. What are their criteria based on? I had one guy tell me it was all about his intention whether it was or wasn't a date. Um, could you clue me in and all the other girls you also weren't dating that you weren't dating them? Thank you muchly.

Perhaps I will have to ask next time I'm invited to a dinner for two whether I'm being asked on a date. Do you think that would go over well? I would LOVE for a definitive way to tell if a guy is interested or not. Apparently, "not my Mr. Darcy" doesn't go for women who look like me. So, again, why does he stare? I will do my best to sit where he can't see me, because, really.

Here's my question: can a guy be attracted to a girl they don't usually go for, but, because society says they shouldn't be, they don't realize they are? Anyone follow that logic? I am not a cookie-cutter female. If my hair color isn't "right," when so many blondes come from a bottle, why does hair color even matter? I get the weight thing, I do, but when did thinness become necessary criteria for wife- and motherhood? Women's bodies change and pregnancy usually causes weight gain, so requiring thinness seems shallow, especially when the guy is also physically unfit.

What I would like, but may be a rare find, is a guy whose motivations are more like mine. One who says what he thinks and tries to mean what he says. So flirting would be an indication of interest and asking me out would be even more proof of interest. I think that's the way dating used to be, but maybe that was only in black & white movies, and definitely not so in today's modern, highly confusing and difficult to navigate society.

Another issue I have is that I'm clueless when it comes to boys. Again, because I attempt say what I mean, it's hard for me to discern that you want to put your arm around me when you ask me if I'm cold. To me, you're actually asking if I'm cold. I'd prefer you just put your arm around me. If I don't want you to, believe me, you'll know. I don't know how to play the dating game because none of those coy rules make any sense. Hmmm. Perhaps that's reason 435 of why I'm still single: can't make sense of typical human dating rituals. Would someone please make a proper dating manual that has translations in it? Then I could study entries like these:

"Are you cold?" Translation: I would like to put my arm around you, but I'm too nervous and/or scared to ask you directly, so I'm using this roundabout way for permission in case you say "no" and I can then shrug it off as no big deal.

"I wonder if she'll kiss me at the end of the night." Translation: I'm asking in third person and phrasing it like a joke because I'm nervous and/or scared because I want to kiss you, but I also want to find out if you would like to kiss me, too.

"Have a nice life." Translation: I'm being honest and not stringing you along by saying I'll call, because I'm really not interested and I don't want to lie. Please lose my number as I've have already forgotten yours.

"I'll call you." Translation: I won't call; I just don't want to hurt your feelings right now when you're in front of me, even though, for some reason, I can tell that you're hurt as if you know this is code for "I'm not really going to call."

"Can I get your phone number?" Translation: I'm actually interested in your roommate, but as you are less intimidating I'm going to eventually hurt you by making you believe I'm going to ask you out, but I will ask for someone else when I call. Not you.

"I'm only dating you." Translation: I'm tired of you asking about all the other girls I am deceiving that I go on non-date dates with and so I'm being honest, for the hour during this conversation, that truly, the only girl I'm dating at this moment is you...until tomorrow, and then I will just be dating that girl. Until you and I have another date, and then I'm only dating you non-concurrently as there's no second girl on that date....

I would so buy that book!

Choosy Beggars Wish For And Then Demand A New Gift Horse

Yes, the title is a mash-up of three different sayings: beggars can't be choosers, if wishes were horses beggars would ride, and don't look a gift horse in the mouth. I had a hard time with the title as it also could have been: If It's Free You Don't Have To Take It, or SERIOUSLY?!? WE WERE TRYING TO BE NICE!!!!!

My company tries to "give back" to our clients at least four times a year, always with food. We order the food and set it up and invite the clients to come and have some. It never fails, though, that one or more people are dissatisfied with what we offer and complain about it. They complain about it in emails, over the phone to our office, and sometimes to others while we're standing very near them whilst serving the food.

It is true that it would be nice if we could take into account everyone's food allergies and/or dietary issues or even that we had more variety, but it's not very plausible as we do not own a restaurant with special menu options. We try to choose food that the majority of people can eat. It's as simple as that.

I try to be kind. Really, I do. I believe I've mentioned this before. Some things set me off, though, and the longer I work with my company, the more certain phrases that so easily trip from the clients' lips immediately make me bristle. If I were something like a cat, porcupine, or skunk they'd immediately know I was irritated and they might back off. There are some people, though, that would keep going with their behavior as they feel they have a right to say what they're feeling, darn the consequences (and then sue because they got scratched, quilled, or sprayed immediately after)! Just because a person has the right to Freedom of Speech does not mean it's okay to say whatever you want because you should ALWAYS be considerate of others. If we all practiced self-restraint and self-censorship there would be less lawsuits and a much happier general population. Truth, y'all! Now I want to cover the whole ignoration of cause and effect, but that should be an entirely different post.

Back to the free food. I'm sorry that you're unhappy that we do not serve the following: sugar-free, gluten-free, your favorite flavor, a different food vendor, something to encourage you to stay on your diet, vegetarian, or something less "icky." Even though you have the right to feel disgusted or indignant about our lack of forethought of providing for your individual tastes among the hundreds of people we are feeding, and even though you have the right to freely state your opinion without getting arrested, please bite your tongue and think twice or even three times about sharing such an opinion with anyone else. Please! Now *I'm* the one who's begging.

And to all the panhandlers who have refused my offer of a $1 McDonald's voucher: you asked for money for food and this is what I offered. If you turn it down a) I won't give you cash instead and b) I probably won't offer anything to you again, either. I can't force you to use the money you receive for the purpose you wrote on your sign, but I can encourage you to use what I give you for the thing you actually asked me for. I don't want to hear you complain about how McDonald's makes you sick. Also, you're begging--so you don't get to choose what I give you, right? Next time I'll offer the voucher to one of the other panhandlers who is excited to have a chance to eat.

I need to learn to be more gracious, as well. I will strive to learn how to take compliments and not discount them. I will be happy that you gave me a gift, even if I will never use it. I will try harder to be tactful, kind, generous, happy, and loving. And instead of wishing for a better world, as wishing doesn't get you anything, I will work at making my piece of it more palatable to both myself and others.

A Change Was In The Wind

Mostly I don't like change. It's annoying and hardly ever something I would choose for myself. Unfortunately it's also inevitable. As I've gotten older I've discovered that some change is actually good for you and there are rare times that I look forward to it. But not in this case.

I have had the pleasure and privilege to work with a good friend. I wasn't sure how we'd get on in the boss/employee relationship, but I think we handled it rather well. My boss was one of my best friends. Don't get me wrong, this person is STILL one of my best friends, but they no longer manage me on a day-to-day basis.

I'm sad about it and a little heart-broken. I've been asked to write my friend emails because I'm still wanted in their life, too, but I think we're going to have to work at occasionally having lunch to catch up on each other's goings-on. So this change is more sad than annoying. My new boss is actually an old boss that I have worked with before, but I'm going to have to relearn their work style. However, I do not see us catching up on anything more than the "how was your weekend but I'm not actually asking for details" Monday morning question. My new boss is a nice person, though, and I am sure that we will get to that team feeling in the next couple of months.

I knew the change was coming. I was happy where I was and with the people who sat around me, so that was the first clue. And, really, as employee shuffling is something akin to an Olympic sport in my company, it's been nice to have a "stable" office for a few years. And the circumstance that prompted not moving us around has disappeared. And my boss's boss moved out of our office. And then our office changed locations. And then opportunities for promotion came up. I didn't get what I tried for, but my boss got what they interviewed for. So, our office is no longer the tight-knit group that it was. We're more spread out, even in our small office, and the "family" feel is disappearing with each person who leaves.

I will soldier on. Of course I will. Otherwise I will lose my job and I actually enjoy having food in the pantry and clothes on my back. I also find that indoor plumbing and artificial heating/cooling can have a positive affect on my mood at work. But if there was a way that my now old boss could take me with them to their new position, I'd grab that opportunity in a heartbeat! My only comfort, the thing that I'm holding onto, is that this change is necessary and will be a beneficial thing for both of us. How I hate growth and opportunities to mature when it messes up what I want.

Growing pains. That's what I'm feeling right now. The winds of change are dying down and the dust will settle soon. The present will be clear, but isn't the future forever foggy, no matter what you do? Well, then, here's to a future that I shape for myself, for those are the changes I usually look forward to. May we all choose to make the best of our situations, no matter the circumstance. I'll try if you will (and even if you don't).

If you met Mr. Darcy in real life, what would you do?

There is a man of my acquaintance that I call Mr. Darcy. Not to his face, mind you, but in my head and to my friends so he can stay anonymous to them and to keep me from thinking about him in too personal a way. For those of you not familiar with Jane Austen's work or any of the myriad film adaptations of Pride & Prejudice, you must either live somewhere classic English literature isn't taught or you are a "doer" instead of someone who likes to sit on the couch and watch that scene in the Keira Knightley film version where Mr. Darcy is walking across the moor on a misty, moisty morning (if you get the nursery rhyme reference, then maybe your mother also recited archaic verses to you when you were young).

I love that version. Among several differences, Mr. and Mrs. Bennett actually love each other, which seems missing in the classic BBC/Colin Firth version. Colin Firth's version, though long, was the set standard for many a woman for a long time. Bridget Jones's Diary* and it's sequel not only used Pride & Prejudice as it's framework, but Colin Firth's portrayal was the inspiration for Bridget's Mr. Darcy-ish man. It's funny and appropriate that he played the character which was based on his own interpretation of a previous film role. 

Matthew Macfadyen's portrayal of Mr. Darcy in the 2007 film was more relatable. It makes sense that Mr. Darcy is awkward socially which is why he missteps so horribly during his first proposal. Yes, he's still proud, but has no idea how to speak to the woman he's grown to love who, unfortunately for him, based her opinion of him on their disastrous first meeting and the lies of a man she thought was honorable.

But back to "not my Mr. Darcy." He's definitely not mine, but he does fit the part: he seems to be shy and perhaps is rather uncomfortable in social situations, as well as being quite serious and learned. He stares at me, though. Honestly and truly, he does. He stares at me during church and I find it odd that no one else seems to really notice this fact. Maybe it has something to do with me not sitting in the same place twice. So others may perceive that he's looking in different areas each week, not putting together the puzzle that I'm in every area he tends to gaze at. I have waited to see if I'm Elizabeth Bennett to his Mr. Darcy, but no such casting has materialized. For all I know, I'm Charlotte, Mary, or Kitty to him. Well, not really to him, but in the script of his life...if he ever compared himself to a figure of classic literature.

Even if he is intrigued by me, I do not believe he will ever ask me out. I find this frustrating. Either he is interested and really shy or he is not interested and really creepy. Why does he stare? Is he trying to figure out if I dye my hair? Do I have bed head? Does my blouse clash with my skirt? And should I stare back and wink? Or do I just blush and quickly avert my gaze when I catch him looking at me -- which I had been doing, but now I do NOT look at him at all. I have made a point to strike up a conversation or five with him, but nothing has happened. So, what would you do if you met Mr. Darcy in real life? If it's all so frustrating, would you bother being patient? Mr. Darcy does turn out to be a wonderful man in the end of the book/movies, despite his flaws. But as a living, breathing human...?

Pardon me, but I have an uncontrollable urge to stick in a movie. At least someone's complicated romantical situation will be resolved in 129 minutes.

*Please note: I have not read the Bridget Jones books and have only seen edited versions of both films. If I'm inaccurate or incorrect, it's not surprising.

Entitlement Is Not Pretty

I believe that we are all members of the human race which makes us all related, in a way. I try to take other people's feelings into account when things get frustrating as it's the only way I can stay patient sometimes. I might get a flash of anger when someone cuts me off on the highway, but then I force myself to think about the fact that they probably had a bad day or didn't even notice that I was there. And as I have accidentally cut people off, there is no way I can feel superior to them.

I know that the United States of America wants everyone to be equal, so we tried to abolish the caste system. You can be born into poverty but die a millionaire and you'll have lived "The American Dream." This is a very noble goal (not the wanting to have money part, but that everyone is equal). However high-minded and goodly-intended this ideal is, human nature seems to win out every time these days. Truth: we have no official royalty. Truth: we have lots of unofficial royalty. It seems that it is natural to feel better about ourselves if we believe we are superior to others. This annoys me to no end.

People like to judge others. Some people feel they have a right to (p.s. unless you're an actual judge or jury at a trial, then, no, you don't). I believe it bothers me mostly because, shockingly, I used to be very talented at judging others. I am ashamed of this past me. I don't like that part of my old life. I still struggle with it sometimes and feel the shame all over again. I am not better than anyone else. I may be different with different skills and knowledge and may actually be better at someTHING, but this does not make me better than someONE.

I am not better than you.

Some people judge me because of the color of my skin or hair, my weight, how I dress, my position at work, my marital status, my accent or lack of one, how much money I make, how I did on the SATs or ACTs, whether I was in Honors or AP anything, what car I drive, my religious convictions, that I mispronounce words I've only read but never heard out loud...you get the picture. There are lots of items on which people choose to judge.

You are not better than me, either.

If you have more education, money, status, whatever it is, it DOES NOT give you a right to treat me or anyone else poorly. You do not have a right to get mad if I don't let you cut to the head of the line. I do not have to answer your emails so quickly because you want something ASAP and you have zero patience. My job title should not be what you use to define me. Maybe I'm brilliant. Maybe this wasn't my first choice of a career, but I'm happy to be employed. Maybe who I work for has never realized what potential I have. And if you've mistaken my love of laughter for ignorance, please note that I fully understand your thinly veiled barbs at my intelligence. I will do my best to treat you kinder than you have treated me, but then I will avoid you like the plague because I don't really like being nice to people who are acting mean and self-important. You remind me of the old me. It's not fun.

How about a new way of thinking, fellow humans? How about we concentrate more on what we're doing and what kind of person we are and leave others to concentrate on what they're doing and what kind of people they are. Sound good? And can we stop this you-don't-think-the-way-I-do-so-I-will-hate-you-now mentality? Let's treat the world's population as family members we love. Maybe then we'd be more respectful of others, boundaries, property, copyrights, tribulations, and all the like. Let's love our neighbors for real. Let's go back to the original Golden Rule of being kind to others as we also want to be treated kindly, okay? Please? I promise that if we all try, and try again when we fail, and keep trying every day, the world will be a much better place. Really. I promise. But if not, I'll do my best not to judge.

Free Advice Can Be Good, But Is Mostly Bad

I know what you're thinking: "But, Dee, your blog has only been advisotic so far." Well, yes, but it's mainly my own thoughts. I am not saying "You, Person X, should go do A, or perhaps B, so you will be happy." I'm just sharing my observations on how things might be better if people were different. Ha!

I have concluded that it DOES NOT MATTER what phase of life you're in, if you're already content with your life, or whether you're even seeking advice, people will volunteer unhelpful things because they CAN. And maybe they love you. Or not. Sometimes they're just buttinskis and you would rather pull out your teeth one by one using the string-on-the-doorknob method than to hear one more bit of advice from them (or the end of the movie they just saw last night that you were planning to see this weekend...but not anymore).

I don't think the advice starts pouring in until about middle school. Let's face it, in grade school our teachers and parents (and maybe siblings) are telling us what to do and we mostly trust their judgement. So, you still got advice, but I don't remember any of my friends saying, "Hey, you should wear knee socks when you wear your corduroy shorts with the penny loafers." They didn't have to say it, because if you liked their style you just copied it, too.

But I do remember comments from middle school like, "You'd be so pretty if you wore makeup." "I am." "Oh." Or in high school: "You should just get drunk and make out with a guy." College: "Boys might like you better if you lost weight and dressed differently." Post college: "You know, my brother's best friend's cousin's dog walker's yoga instructor gives the best advice on how to lose weight, you should start that program where you only eat raw cabbage and carrots. Sure, you might die, but you'd look so great right before then!" And: "You should change everything about yourself." Or the perennial favorite: "Why aren't you married?"

According to boys outside my faith, they have no clue why I'm still single. Within my faith (where I do all my dating) the boys like to tell me: I feel strongly about things, I'm too sexy, I'm just like their sister, I live too far away, and it's unrealistic to think that if a guy likes me that he'll want to rearrange his schedule to spend time with me, et cetera ad nauseum. All they're really saying is "I don't like you like that no matter what you do, nor will I ever." Harsh, boys, harsh. I also notice that you're still single at 45....

But that's the advice I get. My married friends get questions and advice on when to have children, how many, and how to raise them, all without anyone checking to see if they can even have children, want children, or are already on birth control and got pregnant anyway. Besides, child-rearing is a personal issue, and sometimes spanking is the only quick, effective method and more often than not isn't child abuse. Though the child being spanked may feel that way, their perspective is skewed by believing that they weren't being naughty and, therefore, didn't deserve it (but they probably did).

So if you don't want advice on cars, electronics, phone plans, college majors, or career paths, just don't mention that you're investigating such things. If you actually want the advice, that's different, of course. But on the things that are obvious to others, like weight, you can't stop them from trying to change you, because they only think they're helping and it's for your own good. Riiiiiiiiiiiight. When you're done talking I'm going to ask you if you have a disease that makes you speak without your brain engaging. Sigh. If only.