Let It Snow? Sure, just not Saturday morning, please.

Today we got a half snow day. That is that we went to work and halfway through the workday they closed the office. This was good because I'm sick with a cold that I've had since Sunday. I missed work on Monday and Tuesday, dragged myself in on Wednesday (and went to the work Christmas dinner that night where I got my 10-year congratulatory certificate). I needed a nap as soon as I woke up this morning. I'm sure it had nothing to do with waking up around 1:30 a.m. and not getting back to sleep around 4:00 a.m. When you can't breathe because of a stuffy nose and hacking coughs, apparently you can't sleep very well.

So, it's been snowing all day. ALL DAY! And though it was pretty while I was walking home in it, it's not great for freezing overnight and then walking on top of that in the morning. So, let's cross our fingers that I don't slip on the pavement whilst walking to work.

I'm picking up a relative tomorrow evening so they can sleepover and be taken to the airport Saturday morning to fly out for the Christmas holiday. We're expecting more snow Friday night and into Saturday morning. Cross your fingers that my relative will be able to get home! I'd love to have her stay over, but I think her mother would really like to have her home.

Work is still workish. My desk mate is still a little off, but the managers are actually starting to notice...I think. I have successfully rebuffed all offers to spend time with her outside of work. Not to be hurtful, mind you, but because she needs to make friends outside of our office. I have friends outside of our office and it's healthy because then you can occasionally gripe about work to people who have no clue who exactly you're talking about. I also have one friend *in* our tiny office and sometimes it's hard to NOT talk about work while you're at it. Which means other people might walk by and overhear. Not good. Also, when you talk about personal stuff it's on the company's time and that ain't good, either.

My desk mate is getting better generally. She's learning things finally and that's great. But some of the other stuff isn't going to change soon: her gruff manner, her lack of desire of meeting new people, her telling her managers that it's not her job. I remember doing that a couple of times. That's when they pull out the job description and point out the phrase "...and anything else you're asked to do." I loathe that phrase. Technically, they could ask me to do anything, like hop on one foot for an hour, and because they asked I'll have to do it. Where were the lawyers when they wrote that up? What if they ask me to do unethical things like corporate espionage or murdering the competition? Not that they would, mind you, it's just that they *could* that bothers me. Is holding that phrase over my head when I'm assigned something distasteful that a manger is delegating because they don't want to do it, either, a form of indentured servitude? I mean, I can't delegate it to anyone else. And I can like it or lump it. Oh, to have a thriving economy where you have to pay people more and treat them well to keep them. Bad job markets mean that companies can afford to be cheap and cruel (like Ebenezer Scrooge before the ghostly visits) and people will still apply. Shameful, that is.

As for that boy that I'm too old for, we've established that we enjoy spending time with one another and often--well, often for me. However, he isn't technically dating me but is truly dating other girls. I know because he lives his life on instagram, twitter, and facebook. I've seen the hashtags in the facebook posts. Funny, though, that he's all kinds of open about dating all these different girls but doesn't mention me at all when we're doing things together. Maybe it's because I don't have an instagram or twitter account. Or he's ashamed of me. Or doesn't quite know what to do about me. Ha! I don't know what to do about him, either. But right now it's kind of fun. When it stops being fun is a good time to bail, right? Or perhaps I should ask someone who *has* an instagram account to check out pictures there and not just the ones that end up on facebook? I don't know how it all works and please don't explain it. It would just be more things to distract me from doing what I need to be doing. Like writing. And not mooning over the boy. And this way I can't actually cyberstalk him. I don't need to be needy. I just need to be myself and attract the right kind of guy for me.

Icicling: A Non-Fun Way Of Life

My living room is a converted bedroom as the main room you walk into is shaped oddly with an inconvenient doorway and hall, as well as a pretty but-not-allowed-to-use fireplace. I still don't know what to call it: lounge, drawing room, receiving room, foyer (but said the French way so it sounds like foy-yay)?

I felt that the bedroom with the large picture window that looks over a busy street would be...asking for trouble. So, it's now my living room. Pros: my furniture *just* fits. Cons: there are 2 1/2 walls to the outside. This is bad in the summer as it gets very toasty and worse in the winter when it's several degrees colder than my bedroom. I say this because I have to up the temperature while I'm in the living room, but bump it back down an hour or so before I go to bed or the bedroom will be too hot!

I have a feeling that if I actually took this room as my bedroom that I'd have to invest in a canopy bed. I know, you're thinking -- aw, she's a frou-frou girl who will have mosquito netting and ribbons cascading from the canopy frame. No, I'm talking about an actual canopy bed with heavy velvet curtains and a definite top to keep out the draft! Think Ebenezer Scrooge in The Muppet Christmas Carol, Scrooge McDuck in Mickey's Christmas Carol, or Harry Potter's school bed. As for the Christmas Carol references, the people in Christmas Future talk about the bed curtains still being warm. And I'm pretty sure Scrooge was too cheap to buy velvet. Okay, maybe I am, too, but maybe I could try wool? Cotton would be too light and would let cold seep in. I would need something heavy enough to keep the heat inside the small bed area.

There was the loveliest canopy bed available at Target.com for the longest time. It was part of a charming collection that had sweeping angles and reminded me a little of the furniture in Disney's Alice in Wonderland. Unfortunately, I couldn't afford the twin or single bed (it was a girls' collection). Nor could I afford to make the canopy curtains, especially without a sewing machine. It's no longer available, though, so it's no longer an option. Sigh.

Do you think there's such a thing as a canopy couch? The large cold spot which is the picture window is freezing my back right now. I'll have to wrap my feather quilt around my shoulders so I can stop being so chilly.

Anyway, I was not expecting the weather to get so cold so fast. Now I definitely need to buy new tights as the ones from last year are about dead. ...And walking to work in freezing weather is not a favorite hobby of mine. And maybe curtains for my freezing window!!!!!!

And as I always contemplate during this time of year: why do I live where it's so cold?

Attitude Adjustment: Check!

So, I wallowed into a pool of misery, woe is me, and self-pity on Sunday. I was a mess. But, I made myself go to another Sunday night lecture. It was all about gaining more hope, even if you're running on empty. Oddly, even though I was still oh, so sad about not getting the things that I want when I want them, the message still sunk in.

Unfortunately, it took another day to process. So I was still sad on Monday. And then that night I thought, "I'm being completely ridiculous and I kind of hate myself right now. What was that advice again?"

I cannot tell you how nice it is to NOT be weeping about a situation in which I have no control. So I've been calm and resilient the last two days...as well as coming down sick with a chest cold. Stupid stress on Sunday and Monday! If only I hadn't had a brief emotional breakdown a few days ago, I might have avoided the sick part. Maybe.

Sometimes, okay, really, all the time, it's frustrating when life does not go the way we hope, wish, pray, plan, and beg for. But for all the self-study I've been doing since high school, as well as I know myself, there's still a difference between Need and Want. I need to eat to survive: true. I need to eat a steak dinner every night to survive: false. I only want a steak dinner, and eating it would help the need, but something less...fattening would be better for daily consumption (don't worry, steak, I'll still eat you--I just have to cut back on how much I see you). I want to go to Hawaii, but I need to pay my rent (and eat; have I mentioned eating?).

I want a good man to share my life with, but I don't actually need one. I really, truly want one for my very own and I'll pat him and love him and call him George. Well, only if his name is George. I really want someone else to take out the trash, drive, cook, clean, etc. sometimes so it's not just me (I'm not abdicating from life, I just want help). And I'm tired of going stag or "doe" to things and I no longer want to invite female friends to my "plus one" invitations. I also like to be held and I would love to cuddle in someone's arms and let some of that stress just fade away. Of course, these are the yearnings of a woman who is still very inexperienced in romance and dating. For all the dating I've done, the long-term "relationships" I've had were really nothing more than a string of great first and second dates. Even on the 25th date, nothing ever really happened.

I am not good at boy cues. I've mentioned that before. Here's what went through my brain on Sunday when I saw my friend I'm not to have a crush on: There he is! When he said he wanted to be friends did he really mean it? What if he only meant that so I wouldn't be on my guard? Oh, hey, he's sitting in view of me...again. But he's left a space next to him this time. Should I sit there? But he said he only wanted to be friends and if I sit there people will think we're dating. But I do want to date him...and sit there. Is he expecting me to sit there? I did the only thing I could think of: I sat on the complete opposite side of the room where *I* couldn't see him. Then I could stick to the plan of being his friend. And then was miserable about how confused I am.

I try to take people at their word. If you think about it, we tend to view the world through the filter of who *we* are. If I believe the words people tell me, it's only indicative that I mean the words that I say to others. This makes it hard to play the Game of Dating. Whenever I try to understand the rules, I realize that I know nothing about any of them. I have yet to find an accurate rulebook. And I freak out when I don't know what's truly expected of me. So, having not really gotten past the first and second date syndrome, I don't know *what* I'd do if a boy wanted to take me on an authentic third and fourth and fifth and so on date. It took me years to figure out how to have a school friend for more than one school year. I have no idea how to behave in a way that is endearing and adorable without ending up in the surrogate sister role.

But sometime, somewhere, there is a man who will not put me in that sister role and will want me to share his life. I'd like to think that I need that companionship, but, really, I only want it. Badly. But wanting doesn't make things happen. I need to calm down around men I like so I'm not acting like a freakish 12-yr-old girl with her first major crush. And maybe then they'll stop running. Or I may stop pushing them away, too. I still don't know how to do that, either.

But it's okay. I'm alright. If not this guy, another. Or if not now, maybe later. Unless he really was giving me a "signal" to sit by him. And then maybe I've lost out on the chance with this one. But if he wants me he's going to have to figure out how to tell me in actual words that he'd like to date me. Um, and actually do something, like work out ways to spend time with me. And hold my hand. And go in for the kiss without asking for it first. Is there such a man? I HOPE so!

You can't really MAKE someone love you

News flash: the only person I have control over is myself, and even that's questionable sometimes. So, I've met a new friend...who happens to be male. He, like myself, looks young. So I thought he was in his late twenties. But when he told me he was in his early thirties, twice, I knew he was fishing for my age. When I thought he was in his twenties I was not interested "in that way," and I knew I was definitely too old for him. Finding out that he was about five years older than I thought, I felt it was possible that I wouldn't mind going out with him, but that I might be beyond the range of what's comfortable for *him.* As I've gone out with someone twelve years younger before, eight years didn't seem impossible to me.

Ha.

So, we went on a non-date date thing, which, fortunately, I knew what it was beforehand. He politely asked me my age (though boys should never ask this). And I knew that by telling him the truth that the jig was up and he would lose all interest. Some people might suggest that I change the subject, refuse to answer, or just lie. That's not me. So I told him. He thought I was only three years older, which maybe he would have been able to handle (he's more comfortable dating down than up), but eight years might as well have been twenty.

So, even though we are probably highly compatible and apparently "cute" together, it doesn't matter one iota, whit, or at all. He's taken me out of the running. So, I'm fine being friends until one of us starts dating someone. There's an expiration date on this friendship and that's as it should be.

I haven't told my family about this because there's been nothing to tell. But now I have to. I went to a religious (yet funny) lecture last night and we went together for convenience' sake. Next time we'll invite more people so it doesn't look like we're a couple. But someone who's known me for almost all my life saw us. And she saw me acting as a friend. So before she left she felt the need to whisper in my ear--in front of him, I might add--that I need to go after this one. So I shook my head and said no. Then she felt the need to whisper again that we were adorable together and why don't I go for it? I shook my head again and said I'd tell her later. And what should I tell her? I'm too ancient for the young whippersnapper? That he'd be more comfortable dating my nieces than me? And as she might ask someone in my family about the boy, I thought I might mention it.

And why does anyone think I have any control whatsoever of another person's feelings? When you take physical intimacy out of the picture then seduction is kind of ridiculous and out of the question. So, then what? I can't manipulate him into liking me. First, it would be wrong to trick someone into dating me. Second, I wouldn't even begin to know how to do that. Third, even after all that he still wouldn't love me, not really. And I want a husband who consciously chooses me over all other women. I do not like being a backup plan. It's rather humiliating. I'm only good enough for you if you can't find anyone else to marry you, first? Gag me. And no way is that EVER happening.

For those of you that think I am being his friend for the sake of hoping he might like me in the future: well, I'm doing my best to squelch those feelings (because it's hard not to have them, no matter how futile they are). It's true that I have a slight infatuation, but I also know that my attraction is based more on who I think he might be or the potential of what he may become more so than who he actually is. Because I don't know him very well, yet. And it's silly to pine after a guy who is merely being nice and isn't encouraging me at all romantically. So I'm beating myself up about it and doing my best to keep thinking of him as Friend Only instead of Friend With Potential. It's working. I have a handle on it. But it takes self-control. And believing my head over my fall-for-anyone-nice heart.

So, here's a tip: don't ask the GIRL why she doesn't go for it--ask the boy. He has more control over who he ends up with than the girl does. It's not "fair," but what in life is? Feel free to tell him I'm a total catch and don't let me slip away or that we look cute together. I'd rather he be annoyed than me, anyway.

Portrait of Dee

I love to support my friends in their artistic endeavors. There's a girl I worked with who just quit to do photography full-time. And I recently met a boy who left his 8-5 job awhile ago also to pursue photography. I admire their bravery. I believe I've mentioned before that I didn't want to be a starving artist. It's true. But I *have* had to learn to live simply. Assistants don't make much. Especially artistic-type gals who used to have mini temper fits at work that haunt them for the rest of their non-move-uppable-careers.

I don't know about you, but I'm not always comfortable getting my picture taken. I'm larger than when I graduated high school and in my head I'm thinner than what I look like on film. But having joined a dating website and getting NO hits whatsoever, I felt I needed professional help of the photographic kind. So, I asked my former co-worker to take some photos for me. She is so nice! Really, she was great to work with. And she brought along a mutual friend who kept me laughing throughout the shoot. It's hard when you're self-conscious about how you look to others. I cried a little before we started taking pictures. What if the pictures don't attract any guys? What if my parents don't like any of them (since I was also trying to get pictures to send to family for Christmas [so, family, pick a pose and a size and I'll happily get something printed for you])? What if I break the camera? What if I don't photograph well? Or look like a beached whale?

I have a vivid imagination and it can get away from me. Great for thinking up story ideas...horrible for thinking about real life. And, really, the worst thing that happened during the shoot was a bee sting--which I wasn't allergic to. It's just itched for a few days. I posted a sampling of my new pictures online and tons of my friends have commented on them and how much they like them. It's rather overwhelming. But, I think, that people don't always go get their pictures taken when they're single, or even just being overweight might make them think twice before purposely presenting themselves in front of a lens. Taking a portrait of a family of one isn't always done. Sure, there are head shots, but that's for professional reasons. Or maybe you could be in love with the way you look and need pictures of yourself everywhere. However, I felt that I wanted some pictures that represented me, or the me that my family sees. If they want a picture, that is. Again, do you hang up pictures of your single sibs? But maybe we should? Perhaps I should ask my brother if he'll get *his* picture taken so we can trade for Christmas.

No matter what the outcome, though, of posting my new photos on the dating website, I have supported a friend with their dream. And I will recommend her to others because she's awesome (even if portraits isn't her main interest). She has a great eye and even made ME look good. I said it was the camera (when I really meant photographer). She said it was me. She's so sweet!!!!! So, L and R, thank you for the fabulous experience on Wednesday. I need to hang out with you gals more often!

Tired of Being "Strong"

I'm weary.

After the un-shocking removal of my coworker last week, I knew I could get through having to deal with both mine and her clients because a very capable and fabulous friend and coworker who had been absent for some time was back on the job. There was an end in site, with hopefully a better new employee on the horizon (which I know will take awhile, no matter how much they say they're going to be quick about it). But, then the shock came. A week to the day of the last termination, the other coworker was let go. I was her backup, too. So, many people at work know that I'm burdened with a lion's share of work. There are others only aware of just one of the two terminations. And at least one person who does know about both and is still completely unsympathetic. I shouldn't be surprised.

I'm only doing the basics.

The clients, however, don't see it as one person doing more work, they see that I'm the new helper person who has all the time in the world to deal with their issues and can't see why I'm taking longer and longer to respond to "reasonable" requests.

Work might be scared that I might leave, as I have some of the only working knowledge on one major system.

These were the hardest three days in a long time. One coworker bought me cookies. Others have been checking on me on the phone and by email.

I'm really tired now. Before, when there was hope of help from the other admin, I was fine. But now. Now I really am doing the work of three people. And poorly. And I have no clue how "long" the process will be to find two new people. And once they're hired, I'm sure I will be the one training both of them.

They hired someone recently to fill a position deemed unneeded after a termination over a year ago. Someone was finally able to convince them the position was actually necessary. I showed her today a portion of my job that her boss thinks would be good to know so she can help. It's a very complicated and convoluted program. Her eyes were wide after I demonstrated what we have to do to get the results we want. She said there was a large amount of knowledge in my brain.

I really don't know how long I can do this and still stay sane.

I would really appreciate it if work didn't have so much faith in and high expectations of me. I'm pretty sure they have TOO much confidence in my abilities. Can I get through this without becoming completely broken?

The admin I will miss, however, is taking a positive view of her situation. Because, seriously, she doesn't have to work in our highly dysfunctional environment anymore. Is it bad if you wish you were fired, too?

Consequences

Every choice we make affects someone or something else. I want you to know that you are never choosing just for you. Ever. And we choose so many times in a day. The "Butterfly Effect" does, in fact, apply to us, but *we're* not a butterfly flapping it's wings which might eventually lead to a massive storm halfway across the world. Our actions and choices usually have a more immediate effect.

It is true that we cannot always choose what happens to us (though sometimes we're in denial that it was our choices that may have gotten us in that position), but you can ALWAYS choose how you react or, better yet, act in those situations. Happiness can be a choice before it leads to a state of being. Lying can be a habit (which should be broken immediately - nothing good ever comes from deceit). But do you know what's the best thing you can do for everyone, even if it doesn't seem like it: taking responsibility for your actions/choices/attitude/whatever it is.

I find it interesting that around the same time that I lost my patience with my coworker's behavior was right around the time that my company also lost patience. I did my best to keep my ranting away from work so I wouldn't affect how I did my job. I also got the message that even if she was treating me in a horrible fashion, I should still be nice and kind and try to remember that God loves her, too. That was hard. Really difficult. But our last two working days together were the best we'd had in awhile. And then she was gone.

It had to be done, even though our company knew letting her go would affect her life adversely, as well as the efficiency of our office. But keeping her would have affected even more people in a negative manner. Some people at work seem to assume that I'm glad that she's gone and that I'm ecstatic or something, but it's not true. Yes, I'm relieved and my mood is lighter, but I also feel guilt. Guilt that I could have done better in my handling of the situation and guilt that I'm relieved at her absence. I also feel sadness for her. I know she's going to be struggling.

Never taking responsibility for anything was a major problem. I missed the blowup and blowout as I was sick at home that day. So I've only heard that she accused me of extremely bad behavior in a last-ditch effort *after* being terminated. I am not surprised. And I am glad that no one believed her.

I used to be more like her than I want to admit. True, I was much younger (think early to middling school years), but I did see myself in her. It was a version of myself that I'm trying hard not to resemble anymore. So, don't think I didn't have empathy and sympathy for her. I guess you could say that I was like that until I finally became self-aware. That I realized that being proud and snotty was the real reason that I couldn't keep a friend for longer than one school year and why I no longer had any friends at church. I shudder when I think back to those days when I was horrible. And the realization that *I* was the reason behind my own unhappiness and misery was a very bitter pill to swallow.

I do remember that it was during high school that I starting analyzing who I was and why I did things or even wanted to do things. I would compare that to what I wanted to do and be. And then I knew I had to change. It has been a long, hard road to get to where I am now and there's lots more road for me to work down. I did have a slip-up about eight years ago when I let the difficulties of my home life (at the time) dictate my very poor behavior and short fuse at work. I am grateful that they didn't fire me at that time. And working with this girl gave me a glimpse of what my coworkers dealt with all those years ago. But it worked out differently for me. Partly because I had been kinder before, partly because I moved myself out of the bad roommate issue, and lastly because they changed who I worked with. It gave me a fresh start to prove myself anew. And *that* is why no one believed her now.

I hope that she will finally become self-aware. That she learns that her behavior and attitude are a major part of her own issues both personal and professional. That she will strive and succeed at changing herself. And, finally, that she will own the consequences of her behavior and not try to shift it to anyone else ever again. I'm keeping her in my prayers for now.

Moral Ambiguity

Is it legal and/or moral to have your coworker committed? Please say "yes." It's horrible that I'm even writing about this issue, but this is why I *have* this platform. It just would have worked better if I hadn't told some of my family/friends/coworkers about the blog and what my pen name is.

Yes! I've finally gotten that off my chest! Dee Templeton is not my real name. But it *is* a pseudonym. So, I consider myself sort of like Samuel Langhorne Clemens, Amantine Lucile Aurore Dupin, or even Charles Lutwidge Dodgson. Now, I am definitely NOT comparing myself to their writing ability. I shudder that I would even think myself so proud!!! However, they felt the need to write under a pen-name...and so do I. 

I work for a small company, in a smallish big city, with a very unique name (mine, not the city's). See the problem? If I actually wrote under my real name and anyone decided to Google me, then everyone would know about the blog. So I keep everything general (if you haven't noticed already), because the more specific I get, the more possible it might be that I could be fired, or that my mom might find the blog and feel betrayed/upset/hurt and I really don't want those things to happen.

This blog is my confessional. And because I feel safe from censure at work, I'm more honest than I probably should be while sending out my thoughts into the blogosphere. I send them out not really expecting any readership, so it's odd that people read it when they don't know me. And I've concerned a couple of family members a little bit with what I have confessed.

I am not perfect. I am not married. Most of my close friends have gotten married and moved on or live too far away to spend a ton of time with. I live on my own. I'm not allowed to have pets, unless it's fish. I'm sick a lot. I'm female. And I need to talk to someone. ANYONE (except maybe for the last therapist I tried)!

But, as you know, sometimes you just want to vent. To just get out the ickyness you're feeling. So then you can try to get rid of it. Sometimes vocalizing (or writing) about your feelings can help you see how wrong they might be, or where you need to work on letting something go.

So, yes, I feel the need to vent about my coworker and I apologize to anyone who actually a) knows me and/or b) works with me. I don't need to burden you with too much personal information about my difficult workmate.

I'll just say this: I've had a roommate a lot like this coworker. The other roommates and I made this roommate go to therapy. I spent too much sympathy and empathy on this person and had nothing left to give when I moved out. I don't want to be sucked in to anything like that again. It's impossible not to get sucked into the new coworker's drama and issues, because sometimes you unwittingly participate. I have less sympathy and empathy for her with every passing day. I'm getting close to telling her things I know will make her mad. So, instead of suggesting, "hey, maybe you should wait until your manager is back before going forward on this project," I might be telling her, "no. Don't ask that other manager to approve your work." And then also tell that manager not to approve anything, either.

But today, because I got embroiled in her mess, I'm just frustrated. And angry. And now she can blame me for some of what happened, even though I thought I was being oh, so careful about not being liable for any of the work she was doing. And it completely sucks that I feel responsible for my part in it. I offered help to fix the issue and she refused to accept it. And I know she's going to narc on me to her manager. Who is a good friend of mine, by the way. So she knows about this blog. And I'm sorry if you ever read this, manager/friend, that I badmouthed your employee. I also regret that any of you might actually know who this person is. Because I'm not being Christian. I'm not being understanding and loving. I'm done being patient and giving the benefit of the doubt when all I've gotten in return in smiles or grumpiness in front of my face and all kinds of complaints about me behind my back. How does one deal with this issue?

This is why I want her to be committed: so she can grow up, get the help she needs, and be out of my hair.

I'm not proud of myself for feeling this way and I don't want to. But, like I said, I just needed to get it out of my head and somewhere where I could see it and get to a place where I can change my attitude. I'm not there yet, obviously, but the "word vomit" was a start. And, yes, I think I need to go watch Mean Girls now.

Dee out!

Somethings and Nothings

So, a few somethings have happened since I wrote last, but also a bunch of nothings. I went to a family reunion and spent time with all of my siblings, their spouses, their children, and our parents. We went to a beach, which was great! I only wish I'd had more energy to go more than the one time. I also wasn't able to participate in the "talking until all hours of the morning" thing we usually do whenever we get together. Many of us live faaaaaaar away from each other, so we don't see each other all that often. And it's fun chatting until 2 a.m., until you're super grumpy the next day (or just listless) and then you have a nap so you can stay up late again. I just felt tired the entire time and limited what I was doing. I was amazed at my sisters' ability to go, go, go.

All in all, though, I had a fabulous time. I hope we can do it again in the next couple of years!

It didn't feel like I was gone from work all that long, but oh the pile of work that awaited me when I got back. It's amazing, don't you think, that if people read your out-of-office email response that they can be patient when you're gone. But as soon as you get back...it doesn't matter how many emails you have to go through, people always assume that you've read theirs and fixed whatever concerns they had by 9 a.m. the first day. And when you haven't, then they send more emails and call you. Constantly.

Also, since I've had to be pulled into a meeting with three managers and the new co-worker, I've been a little more open about how "training" is going. I guess I was trying to be all patient and giving her the benefit of the doubt. She, however, was complaining to the managers about how I wasn't helping her. Vocal enough to warrant a surprise meeting. It was a surprise to me, alright! Wha? So, we set some guidelines; none of which she is currently following.

She's interesting, you know? And apparently still bad-mouthing me. So, I had a chat with one of the managers because I didn't know if I was going to need to talk to Human Resources (HR) before anything disciplinary happened on my end because of her complaints. Then I had a mini-meeting with only two of the managers. Yes, they know I'm trying. And we discussed tactics on how to get her to come to me instead of them. After this week, she's *finally* catching on about that. But, instead of ordering me to do her work on occasion, now she is sweetly asking if I could "help" her out, usually by completely doing everything for her. So, I "helped" her only one time, but she's supposed to do the work and then I check it. I'm not supposed to do her work FOR her. Sigh.

She believes she's set for life at the job. I still don't know how long she'll last. There's only so many constant mistakes you can make, even during training, that might lead to your dismissal. She hasn't learned that yet. Or to write things down. And then denies that she was ever taught something because she would have remembered...without writing it down. And I can never ever EVER tell her about this blog.

But enough about work! I'm off from work today so I can do super fun things. Which will start happening in a little over an hour. I'd better get ready.

We *are* good enough!

Today has been a good day. This morning as I was walking to church a man waiting at a bus stop asked me if anyone had told me today that I was beautiful. I laughed and said no, and thank you. Then he told me to keep smiling. He didn't need to do that for me, but how nice for him to brighten someone else's day simply because he could!

Church was very moving and I always love going. Something has stayed with me today, though: the concept that we are good enough to accomplish tasks we are given. I believe in a loving, higher power. I believe that this life isn't all there is. I also believe in an adversarial force that does not want us to have faith in ourselves or others. It goes right back to believing the bad that people say about us and not the good.

How often have I discounted the nice things people say? I'd always pass it off as "oh, they say that to everyone" or "you have to say that because you're my (insert relationship here)." Sometimes it's hard to take a compliment. And I'm the kind of person who wants to compliment you right back for being sweet. Oh, you like my shoes today? Well, I think your hair looks fabulous! But when we don't believe the things that people are complimenting us on, it's awkward to be praised. You really think I sing well? But I'm not really trained. You think my clothes look trendy? But I was a fashion victim most of my life. Are you sure? Are you sure you've got the right person?

Someone tried to prank call me when I was in high school. You know, the heavy breather type? "Hey, I think you're sexy and I like your body," he said in a gravelly voice (it must have been someone I knew who was trying to disguise his voice). Here's how I responded: "Really, have you seen me? Do you need glasses?" Yes, I really asked that. I think I also asked him if he had the right number, but he did say my name at one point, so I guess his call was intentional. He only called a couple of times. And there was that one phone call in the middle of the night that my uber-fabulous younger sister answered when I yelled at her not to. Dad had said all late-night calls get answered by him. Anyway, she answered while half asleep and when Dad asked her who that was, she said it was for me, Dee, and some guy wanted me to meet him at a hotel. A booty call via my little sister? Classy. I have no idea who it was, nor do I ever need to know. Though I am quite curious as to what would have transpired if my dad had answered....

So, yes, I don't usually believe compliments. I've mentioned it before and I still need to work on it. I don't think my mom meant to make me feel ugly and fat and unattractive to all boys, but when she would comment that boys would like me better if I were thinner and dressed better and wore makeup, well that tends to make one feel decidedly unpretty. I think she was trying to figure out why they weren't asking me and figured it was an "exterior" and not an "interior" issue. Though, she has also said that for years I was socially awkward. But it didn't matter anyway as the boys continued not asking me out. Again, I get more improper advances from inappropriate men than I get asked out on legitimate dates. So it's refreshing when a man I don't know just says I'm beautiful without having an agenda.

Also, joining eHarmony and being told by the site "you're too picky by asking to be matched with people who also don't drink (although asking for non-smokers is apparently okay)" and having only one guy be interested and then lose interest, is a confidence killer. I hate cyber dating. The sting of not being picked hasn't lessened with age. It's okay, though. I wasn't really interested in that guy, either.

So, I am going to believe Mr. Random Man on the Street that I'm beautiful. And it doesn't matter if people look down on me because I don't have a fancy job. My job title is not indicative of who I am and what I'm capable of. And it's okay if I'm not great at any particular one thing...because the fact that I'm not bad at a lot of things can be pretty impressive in itself. So I'm good enough to be me. AND you're good enough to be you! See how wonderful we are?

To Go or Not to Go to Comic Con?

I grew up going to the local medieval festival every summer. It was marvelous. When I was young I dressed all the way up. The older I got, the less I dressed up to go. First, there's an issue with renting a costume (as the only ones that would fit my frame left little to the imagination in the bodice region). Second, it's HOT in the summer, even at the beginning, in the southern part of the States. By the time I moved from there I was just trying to look cute in shorts, a short-sleeved modest shirt, sandals, and tons of sunscreen. Did I mention that I get sunburned every day on my short walk to and from work? Well, except in winter when I'm walking home in the twilight hours.

So, now that I can't go to that fabulous faire anymore, I've turned my thoughts to Comic Con. Hey, people dress up to go...and it's air conditioned and no fear of sunburn at all! But I want to go as me. No costume. No fan girl t-shirt. No asking anyone to autograph any body parts. They're having one in my area soon, so I wouldn't have to pay to travel or stay in a hotel. Yay, because I'm money-poor. Ha ha! But I've hesitated in buying my tickets in case I got that job. But I haven't heard anything, so I'm pretty sure that I'm not starting a new position on August 5th. Don't worry, I'm completely okay with not getting that one. Apparently, the higher you get in the admin track the more stress they advertise in the job posting. I think there's something wrong with a society that burns out people quickly while not really paying them enough to take away their health and well-being (which was advertised upfront).

So, here's my conundrum: do I buy a one-day Saturday ticket or a three-day Thursday to Saturday ticket and ask for the time off? I've never been to one and I wouldn't mind getting my "feet wet" in the sci-fi convention arena. But taking off two days from work is very extremely appealing. My only exposure to said conventions would be in the movies, like Galaxy Quest, or television, like when Jonathan Frakes directed that Castle episode or when George Takei was on Psych. Obviously, this is not the "real" Comic Con in L.A., but enough people have signed up that they've already had to change the venue...to within walking distance of where I live. Score! So, does anyone know what going to a comic/sci-fi convention as a newbie is like? Would wearing normal, casual clothes be more shocking than a costume? I do have a friend who already has her three-day pass, money saved up, and fan girl t-shirts planned. I hope she's not embarrassed by me where she will completely fit in and I will not....

Oh, and the other option is buy the pricey three-day pass that gets you a swag bag and one "free" autograph or photo op. That's the one I'm leaning towards. But then, who do I choose to get my picture taken with or an autograph from? Decisions, decisions.

If anyone has any advice, please chime in!

Wheeeeeeeeeeee!

I realize that some of you will not recognize that movie quote. Imagine an Austrian girl, in the rain, after just having her first kiss with a boy we'll call "Rolfe." Okay, so I'm nowhere near Austria, I'm not 16 going on 17, nor was there a boy OR a kiss. But that's exactly the mood I'm currently in.

What a change one single phone call can make! I got a call near the end of this afternoon about that job I applied for in late June. Apparently the phone interview went well because they'd like to see me late Monday afternoon for a face-to-face.

I have homework, though. I have to take several assessments on how proficient I am on Microsoft Office Suite and how fast I type. I will do my best not to roll my eyes when I'm taking them. It doesn't matter who programs those lovely chestnuts, they always favor one way of using Office, but here's the catch: it could favor a) shortcut keys, b) right mouse clicks, or c) menus/ribbon. Oddly, these tests only allow for one right answer and until you answer a couple you're not sure what they're looking for. Since there's so many ways to do one type of thing, shouldn't it allow you to use your favorite rather than only theirs?

So, yes, it's possible that after all the testing that they may not want me. It's possible if they still want me that I may not accept. But for the moment, one blissful, happy weekend, I could dream of a job that I could start August 5th.

They said that out of the 200 resumes, I was number one "for what it's worth." I told them I was honored. I bet they say that to all the applicants, but it was sooooo nice to hear!

So, my weekend plans have expanded: grocery shopping (because I'm on my last roll of toilet paper...and I have no food), testing, and perhaps taking out the trash. I'm really hoping my super ecstatic cloud of happiness will help me NOT be sick all weekend. I may even get to add more things to the list, like "finish the next-to-last chapter."

You'll have to excuse me as I'm now going to pay attention to some children learning to sing with the help of their new governess.

On Dreaming

So, I've been having more frustration dreams than usual. This is not fun. But now they've turned scarier and bloomed into frustration nightmares. Believe me, there's a difference. I do not enjoy the panic and fear I'm experiencing. And the "wonderful" thing about them is that they're right before I wake up, so I end up remembering them better. This morning's treat was having a friend tell me that my brother died and my parents not wanting to double check the info, even though he reportedly died in a military hospital on a base. After I told my mom that I saw a look of shock cross her face...and then I woke up. I was so upset my brother died and no one had informed his family! So that feeling stayed with me a little bit until I could calm down and convince myself it was a dream. When a dream wakes you up it can take a little bit to leave that dreaming place and settle back into reality.

But I've been doing lucid dreaming for years, so why did I not a) realize I was dreaming so b) I could change it?

And should I mention a dream of a leaping attack of anger that my mind played out only a week ago? I was so enraged against a co-worker who was criticizing my job and trying to convince our boss to hire the daughter of a friend that I leapt to the attack; not unlike a big game cat and their prey. I was screeching/yelling, as well. The dream fast forwarded a bit, so I was aware of the attack and still seething, but my boss made me do penance: by having me hire the young girl to work with us. My conscious self is very disturbed by that incident that never happened. I would never, ever do something like that for real. But a part of myself is very stressed and apparently very angry.

It may be time to actually start going to therapy. But anti-depressants and therapy are merely treating the symptoms of the larger problem of my job. Altering my dosage and/or learning how to handle stress better will not change the nature of what I do, how much I do, and what the company expects. I stay because I've had stable employment for almost a decade and the job market isn't great. I wish I had the ability to just walk away.

-------------------------------------------------------

I started writing this on July 11th, but had to stop due to the sheer emotionality I was feeling that day. I have not remembered any frustration dreams the last few mornings, but I'm so tense when I go to bed that it takes awhile to fall asleep. And it shouldn't.

I have applied for a new job, but one of the hiring managers is out until August 5th and the job is still open for people to apply. I applied on the third day it was posted, late last month. So, I have to keep that at the back of my mind as thinking about it at work isn't productive and will drive me batty.

I did something yesterday that I think I will have to keep doing: I gave myself permission to fail. I'm the kind of perfectionist who likes to do things right and well. If I can't do them right and/or well, I tend not to do them at all. Anyone who has seen my apartment would know that I'm not perfect at cleaning. One of my managers said a couple of weeks ago that I'm harder on myself than any of them are. I don't like disappointing people and so I get frustrated when I think I might have let someone down. So, now I'm allowed to fail. I can make mistakes and fix them if and when necessary. It's okay to not be perfect.

My job today went better. But that could be the lack of sleep? What does it matter, as long as it works. New goal: don't be so high strung and it will be okay if my work quality goes down if my stress lessens and productivity goes up. Crossing fingers and toes.

Being Unintentionally Mean

When you choose to be a people pleaser, whether due to your birth order, indoctrination, nature, or even nurture, you are bound for disappointment. I know this very well. I'm always living my life to please others. I think I may still be trying to please my parents, which is just silly as I live, what, a fourth of a nation away? I also like to please my friends, my landlord, my boss(es), and coworkers... You get the picture, right?

So we have a new employee. I expected (and others were hoping for the same) to train this one just like I have others in the past. I've also been known to train managers, but we won't get into that. However, due to unfortunate circumstances, the new employee, who was believed to be someone I would get along with, does not want anything to do with me. I was seen as critical when I wasn't trying to be. Being trained when you don't know any of the programs can be daunting and you can't know everything right away. You just can't. And no one expects you to learn everything within four days. There's a reason why there's a six-month review. That's around the time that you're expected to know what your job entails and whether you are able to do it.

So, after I tried to apologize for accidentally offending my coworker, I was ignored. I did try one more piece of information, but apparently that didn't go over well, either. I guess they were really mad at the end of the day and that's the only thing I can think of that may have caused it. It was painful for me. I wasn't being mean, I was merely trying to train. And then I felt responsible. Responsible for the pain the coworker was feeling and responsible for now being unable to train them at all.

But I have very kind managers in my office who have taken the burden of responsibility off of me. I am not to take it personally (which will be very, extremely difficult). Since this person and I are supposed to work as a team, essentially, and help each other with our duties, this will be a challenge: not one I was looking for, but one I've gotten, nonetheless. My managers actually want me to continue working there and, unfortunately, saw how much today affected me. That's on me. I need to be more professional. I was, in fact, pleased with myself that I didn't ask to go home a few hours early when the first incident happened. And I reallllly wanted to. But I had to be an adult. So I stayed and continued working.

So, I need to learn how to do the following: dealing with a co-worker who wants nothing to do with me, growing a thicker skin, and not stressing so much about the work. I can only do what I'm capable of doing. Even if others expect perfection from what I do, that is an impossible goal to try to live up to. I am merely a mortal, fallible human being; flawed to the core and doing the best I know how.

I hope I can survive two more days of work! But know this: I will not offer any more unasked for advice (aka training), even if the new coworker is not following company policy or is making huge mistakes by trying to learn everything on their own. It will only make them more miserable. And, therefore, me.

How I wish I had some chocolate right now!!!!!!!!

Um, Deadline Extended

So...I only ended up working on the book twice last month. The first part of the month was spent celebrating many May birthdays. I think I know more May babies than any other month! The rest of the month was filled with an unseasonable, very nasty cold. It was going around at work, so it was kind of inevitable that I was going to get it. Some of my coworkers have joked that if someone even mentions sickness, I get it.

That's a little unfair. True, none of us had ANY idea that I had a permanent sinus infection until last year when I forced my primary care doctor to sent me to an ENT (Ear, Nose, and Throat) specialist; aka Otorhinolaryngologist (same thing, only fancier). It's funny. I've apparently had that issue for years. YEARS. In college I would always wheeze for like a 1/2 hour after running across campus. My junior year was when I found out that when I breathed in cold air while lying down, i.e. sleeping, I would be ill by the next morning. More than one doctor said that was impossible, yet it kept happening. And I had to be very careful because I would get, you know, a really bad sinus infection that would last for up to two months. Also, (this is T.M.I. and a little gross, so skip ahead if you'd like) one person told me that green mucus from your nose was a sign of infection. Mine was always green. At least one medical professional pooh-poohed the mere thought.

So, it's been hard trying to get the medical community on board with my seeming hypochondria. I *loved* that my ENT said that I'd gotten really good at fighting off my infection because I was functioning with that many germs hanging out in my sinuses. That's why surgery was essential. I'm still getting sick, but now I think my mounting stress is lowering my immune response. And I'm more run down than sinus-y. Sooooo much better than pre-surgery. Now I can sleep in cold air and NOT be sick in the morning. And I can run across the crosswalk and not wheeze at all. Woohoo!

Back to Memorial Day weekend, I was so sick with that stupid cold that the week before the holiday I missed two days of work, went in for three, and then had the three-day weekend with two vacation days I tacked onto the end. The holiday weekend was spent finally getting over the cold. I was so out of it on Sunday that I went to church with mismatching shoes. On a side note: when I texted my sisters about it, it rhymed. One of them pointed out that it was like Shel Silverstein poem. What do you think?

Dear Sisters Three, I just had
to share. I was so out of [sic] this
morning that when I threw on
my shoes to run to church,
they weren't a matching pair.
Ah, well.

So, I unintentionally rhymed, forgot "it" after "out of" and was so muzzy headed that I wore two different shoes. Someone else had to point it out. Sigh.

The last two days of "vacation" were me figuring out that what I thought was now stomach flu was just my ulcer making its presence known. Mightily.

So, despite all of that, I'm glad I actually worked on the book! And, really, I wanted to see if I'd write anything at all. I've re-read everything I've written so far and decided to completely cut the last chapter. It felt forced with the "happy" ending that a lot of people expected the book to lead to. But that version is inauthentic. And I think that you can have a happy ending even if the heroine of the piece does not end up with her own prince charming. Maybe that could be a sequel. Or not. They say "write what you know" and I'm still single....

Setting a Deadline

May 31st. That's my first self-imposed deadline. And now I'm sharing it with you in hopes that I'll actually hold myself accountable. I have to finish the first draft of my novel by then. I've been a few chapters from the end for over a year. It's about being single in a marriage-minded society. I've been writing it for almost a decade.

But now it's high time to find out if I can cut it as a writer. Am I any good? No clue. Sure, I can be funny or contemplative in short bursts, but can I sustain any of that in a full-length book? I'm good at finishing short stories. By their title there's not that much to them. In one of my college fiction writing courses I was told by the professor that my short stories had so much meat in them that they could be longer. I guess some people were just wordy in the hopes of getting their story idea to the required length. I still remember that compliment! Thank you, professor, for the encouragement!!

I was talking to one of my dear friends yesterday who has always been supportive of my dream. When I told her that one of my roadblocks to finishing was a fear of failure, she pointed out that seeing where my "career" has led me, didn't I feel like I'd already failed? The worst has already happened! She's right. And she knows me very well, so she wasn't telling me anything I didn't know, she was just pointing out the obvious that I couldn't see. And she wasn't cruel, either, if you were wondering. It's great to have family and friends in your corner.

I do wonder if I'm publishable. I've read some pretty horribly written books and thought "hey, if they can get published...." But it's different when it's your own work. And you know that some people could wallpaper their home with rejection letters. And when you took that additional correspondence writing course after college--one assignment from the end your mentor was encouraging you to take additional courses so it felt more like marketing than an honest opinion, you never turned in your last assignment for a "class" with no merit. Though the writing exercises were helpful, my mentor was not very encouraging of my future publication success. Sigh. In the back of my mind I can hear the phrase "those who cannot do, teach." So, maybe a published author, rather than a writing teacher, might be a better mentor to have. Ha!

I once had aspirations of being a humorist like Dave Barry. He is truly funny and I enjoyed his column in the Sunday paper whilst growing up. And though I can be funny like that, my novel is not as funny as I would like. But that's okay. It's only the first draft. The second draft will be when I flesh out the characters and inject more humor. But the first draft has proven very difficult to write. Sometimes it's painful as it's based on my own experiences and observations. I'm hoping that just getting it down on the page will be the hardest part.

The funny thing is, I have a different book I'd been writing on (also for years) before I ever got this idea and it was going quite well until it didn't. While I've been working on this one, I realized where I'd gone wrong with the other. I can completely understand why some authors work on multiple projects. Sometimes just stepping away doesn't clear the writer's block. Sometimes it's only by working on a different idea that you realize how the other could be better. Perhaps it's a perspectival shift that's needed.

So...the 31st of May. It's on!

Unreality Dating

I've been watching Ready for Love which, sadly, has ALREADY been cancelled. So much for all the time and effort (and money) spent in producing and making it if a network doesn't want to give it time to find an audience. However, I'm glad that they are still going to release one a week online until the episodes are all aired. I would like to know who the guys end up picking. I don't hold out much hope that they'll find true love, though. There are many dating shows out there and they all have horrible track records for actual marriage. Survivor seems to have had more marriages than The Bachelor.

I have a theory. Yes, how could I not? There seems to be something primal in a man's nature that screams for competition. When a guy feels like he has won the love of a woman, he is more likely to stay with his proverbial prize. This is why guys like the girls that are hard to get. When we make it too easy, apparently we aren't seen as desirable, no matter how perfect we are for each other. That is the part that sucks. You can be absolutely wonderful, but if no one is dating you, rarely does someone see you as dateable. Silly. But I have known girls who announce they are moving or engaged or leaving the country for almost two years and guys come pouring out of the woodwork to woo said woman. Huh? So, the otherwise taken girl is suddenly popular, while all of the available girls are chopped liver.

You know, pâté is made of chopped liver and it's expensive and I guess a delicacy. So all those available girls are special treats and for some reason the guys are ignoring their labels. Okay, that was a forced metaphor. But I hope you get my drift.

I think The Bachelorette is more successful as a dating show. They should all be like that where several men compete for the heart of one woman. With the way the male brain works, it seems like it would be a more successful outcome.

At the singles groups at church, where there are more girls than guys, it's always like The Bachelor when lots of girls compete with each other, all hoping for one of the few guys to like them. You know, since the guy gets to choose who he wants, it's rather pointless to claim you saw him first. He doesn't have to like you just because you're a victim of happenstance. And if you're all feeding him and macking on him and boosting his ego, does he ever have to choose just one? He may be having the time of his life and doesn't want it to end. I think all the single girls should band together and make the guys work to impress them. It's how it works in nature. Those animals are doing everything they can to impress the ladies in the hopes that one of them will agree to mate.

I personally would love for a guy to fall all over himself in order to win my heart. As long as he's not creepy. I used to have a list of what I wanted in a guy, but it's slowly gotten smaller and smaller. So, now I'm not looking for things like a great sense of humor, likes dogs, or has good earning potential. I just want a guy crazy enough to take me on while sane enough for me to want.

There's a church-related singles conference in my area next month. I could go and mingle with people who come from all over, but I don't enjoy those events anymore. Usually they have inspirational classes (which some used to be more about dating and/or scriptures), but now they're about earthquake safety and finance. Um, what? And since going to the dances kills my ego when no guys ask me to boogie on the dance floor, I'm going to skip the entire drama/torture. I might go if they had classes like For Women Only: Stop Chasing the Guys, For Men Only: How to Be a Man and Choose Already, How to Tell if Your Dating Standards are Impossibly High, If She Doesn't Like You Then Move On To Someone Else, and If He Doesn't Like You Then He's Not Worth It. Those are probably the classes that the older singles should be getting. I've also come to the conclusion that sitting in classrooms does not help us meet and get to know each other, neither does a dark room with loud music.

I'm making it harder for men to meet me, but that's okay. Isn't playing hard to get what I'm supposed to be doing? Except when I make myself so scarce that they don't realize I exist...?

Typical Human + (Finite Time x Impossible Workload) = Unavoidable Failure

I have been playing a shell game at work. Today I admitted it to two managers, which gave them pause. What I said was, "Every time the yearly review comes and I'm asked to improve on a different item, I have to drop something else." This made one of them highly annoyed. See, he's asked me to work on different things, things he believes are important, without doing worse elsewhere. How is this possible? My workload has been overloaded for years.

So...we're being audited on our business practices. You know the things someone high up believes we should do with the lawyer-ese to back it up. Then these high ideals get shuffled down the line until they end up on an assistant's desk. Then that assistant is expected to do all these things, so, get this, the company and managers look good. Whatever it is the managers are actually doing, they are not managing my time or workload with any finesse.

After quitting time I was asked into one of the offices to go over an audit item that if we fail, we get "dinged" on pretty badly. Guess what, it's what I had to fail at the last two years to get any semblance of work done. Now that one of my immediate managers knows the extent of a) what I've let slide and b) what I will have to do before July, the concern is that I won't be able to do it all in time. They are understandably worried. All our collective rears are on the line for work I'm unable to accomplish. Whose brilliant idea was that?!?

Once we looked over the list of items for that manager, I pointed to the other part of the combined spreadsheet for my second immediate manager which was the same type of work I am expected to do before *that* audit in June. His jaw figuratively dropped and he's going to ask someone to help me get all that work done.

And yet, the powers that be feel we're overstaffed.

It's funny when people who are in charge of you really have no idea what you do. They see the piles of work on my desk and think I'm just unorganized, not the obvious thing that I have too much to accomplish in too little time. I get sent to a class on time organization. By the way, that was a class for managers, not admins. It was a waste of my time and didn't apply to me at all. I have to be available to our clients whenever they need something, so I am constantly reading my new emails. Apparently, to organize your time better you are to ignore your emails except for maybe twice a day in the hopes that when someone didn't get an answer from you that they'll have gone elsewhere or figured it out themselves. Hmmmm.

Another time I'm told my priorities are out of whack, so I sit down in long meetings to prioritize my time (which could be better used by not being in a meeting) and, guess what, ALL of it is important and it all needs to be done and I'm not allowed overtime. I'm told it's okay and work will be there tomorrow and get done what you can. Until the audit and reviews come around. Then I'm lambasted for not doing enough.

Because I actually care about the quality of my work, all of these things stress me out. I'm starting to joke that my job is killing me, but I think it may be true. The more admins and managers that don't get replaced add to my workload by the "spread the work around" method. How, if I have more work than ever before, am I expected to get anything done beyond the basics? I will say this for the manager who wants to get me help, when I mentioned that I do, in fact, care about the work and I don't like disappointing people, he said I haven't disappointed anyone.

I know that's not entirely accurate, but it will have to do. And the fact that I've dedicated an entire blog post to what transpired specifically today for half an hour, but has been coming on for years, just shows how concerned *I* am about it.

Though now I'm also concerned because the same suggestions are coming out of this manager's mouth of "set aside a certain amount of time to accomplish this." Yes, it's on my calendar weekly and it's been pushed aside by other "urgent" things every week. Also, "when you find some time" (HA!) please write down your typical week so we know how much you're doing. I could do that if I had time. Unless he has the ability to get me a time turner like Hermione Granger had in Harry Potter, I don't see anything changing about anything, except now I will be even more stressed about it. This assistant needs an assistant (or three).

Self-Reflection by Identifying With Fictional Characters

I think you can tell a lot about yourself by which made-up characters you identify with. I had a dear friend whose favorite anybody was Disney's Cinderella. She was an adult woman who loved buying Cinderella ornaments for her tree, etc. I finally realized why she loved Cinderella so much: my friend had a horrific stepmother and jerky stepsisters. In a way she identified with Cinderella--never the bell of the ball at home, but destined for happy things one day. I asked her about it and she said, yes, that was why she loved buying themed items. It helped her cope with a bad situation (that she fortunately moved away from). She had no fairy godmother to help her out, but she did have friends who tried to watch out for her, and her stepmother eventually passed away. Now she never needs to see those girls with whom she was never related! And she got married and has a child of her own that she cherishes. So, in way, she got a happy ending. For those of you who are married with children, you may now belly laugh until you cry.

I love Into the Woods and I'm very excited that it's coming to film. I just hope the wolf isn't anatomically correct! I love it because the "happy endings" appear in the first act and real life happens in the second when the (spoiler alert) narrator gets eaten by a giant and no one knows what to do anymore. The last time I saw the play I think half the audience left at intermission. They didn't want the fantasy to end, I guess. I also like the quote from the second half when Prince Charming says he's raised to be charming, not sincere. I can't tell you how true this has seemed on many an occasion. My mother used to say that if a man can sweep you off your feet, he's had practice. And the most charming boys I've known have never truly been honest. They were overly charming, though. I do know some very dear people who are simply charming and sincere. I think they're fabulous.

But back to me. I've pondered quite a bit recently about which fictional characters I identify with, and it's not a pretty picture. For example, I am always Eponine, never Cosette. This has happened oh, so many times. I thought the guy liked me, but really he liked my friend or I liked a guy and thought he might like me someday, but he thought of me as a little sister - repeated ad nauseam.

I am very fond of The Muppets. Who do I identify with? The Great Gonzo. I am weird, odd, and misunderstood and I never do anything the normal way. And in Winnie the Pooh? Pooh Bear. I am often hungry, looking for something snackish, and have a roundish shape. I've also been known to hum with happiness while eating something particularly tasty.

No, I don't see myself in anyone glamorous. I'm that girl in the back, the one that's mainly ignored by everyone. Now I know that's not exactly true anymore. I'm quick witted and I love to laugh, so I'm great at parties. And somehow people have gotten the idea that I dress trendy and with good taste (I'm still not quite believing that one). And I have the type of open personality that readily invites friendship in. No matter where I go I make friends (keeping in touch with them is a different matter, but that's all on my forgetful end when I only think of them far away from any communication device).

Ooh! I could be The Ordinary Princess whose sisters are so beautiful and she is very plain. However, my über fabulous younger sister has only recently told me that not only does she think I'm beautiful, too, but that I'm JUST AS beautiful as my sisters. I'm still wrapping my head around that. Could that really be possible? But they all got married young and didn't have over a decade of extreme awkwardness (and very buck teeth) or ever had a lack of understanding about what clothes did and did not flatter them. And were so beautiful that men fell at their feet. It seems that the only times men have fallen at my feet were if they tripped in their haste to run away. But that could have been my needy, co-dependent personality and not as much my looks (but I thought it was my looks at the time--and to some my looks may still make me ineligible [but we don't want those ones, do we]).

I don't know if I'll ever get to the point of believing myself worthy of patterning after an Elizabeth Bennet or an Anne Shirley (though I really would love my own Gilbert Blythe), but what I am doing is trying to be myself and not what I think might make me seem more attractive to the opposite sex. That is why in public I now embrace my geekiness. I don't want to pretend that I don't love science fiction in the hopes that some guy might like me. What, I'm going to admit it after marriage when I try to name our house after something silly like Bag End or the Kobayashi Maru (the latter has a certain subtext that wouldn't actually be good for a marriage...so maybe not that one)? "Oh, by the way darling, I'd love to attend Comic Con someday. I hope you still love me and aren't devastated that you didn't know this MONTHS ago."

And yes, I'm totally geeking out about the new Lego video game based on Marvel characters. Squeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeal! Pardon me while I drool with anticipation. It's not coming out for months!!! Must pre-order to get extra characters for the game (imagine that in a hypnotized-type voice).

So when you think about who you identify with, is it someone who is just like you or is it someone you'd like to be? I think I'll mentally chew on that for a while.

Trying to Find Meaning in the Meaningless

Have you ever wondered why some movie critics seem to be so out of touch with the viewing public? That when they love a movie we know we won't like it or when they hate it we'll sell out the theater? If you're anything like me, you enjoy the escapism of a summer blockbuster. I like going to these big-budget-special-effect-laden-sometimes-low-on-plot movies because I get to "escape" reality for a short length of time before having to return to my humdrum life.

Critics who take their jobs seriously must hate escapist movies. They're forced to watch meaningless film after meaningless film and have to find something redeemable in them. These are the critics that I don't usually follow. They would rather we didn't have a fantasy to run to and watch something poignant and heavy that will change our world view. No, thank you. Reality is weighty and depressing enough for me. I'm not big into catharsis. I don't enjoy angst for the sake of angst or the soap operas that are filled with lust and murder and I'm-so-happy-I'm-not-them. I also hate when a character I identify with chooses the WRONG person to be with. Hollywood decided that romantic (or sexual) tension is necessary and we must keep the perfect matches apart or viewers won't be interested and stop watching. I have to say that I'm still enjoying Castle and Bones, despite the couples getting together. And The Office. Jim and Pam forever! I'm hoping that they're still together by the end of the series and I don't like the friction they're having, despite the realism of it. If PB&J can't make it, then no one can. See, Hollywood writers? Stop messing with my life by messing with theirs! And when you purposely keep the matches apart for several seasons we begin to believe they're never getting together and we give up because why watch.

I love a good movie based on comic books. I have several of them in my film collection. Perhaps my love of the comic book-based movies in particular derives from the long car trips my family would take during the summer to visit relatives in other states. There were comic book stands in several gas station stores and we'd stock up especially when we already read through all the books we'd brought. When I was really young I'd read the Archie comics and wish I was Betty or Veronica (I'm most likely Betty--you know, the perfect girl for Archie, but as she was the girl next door he never saw her true value and wasted his time with Veronica who could never decide who she wanted--romantic tension). We won't get into the psychology of those comics...today.

As I grew older I started to get interested in the comic books my brother was buying. So I transitioned from the antics of Josie and the Pussycats and Sabrina the Teen Aged Witch to Green Lantern and Captain America. When I started buying my own instead of just reading my brother's I started buying Wonder Woman and Supergirl. I also loved the Teen Titans and the New Mutants. It's true that I still have a box of those comics and I'm super thrilled that the next X-Men movie is "Days of Future Past." This was a specific storyline that was later put into its own graphic novel. I was first introduced to it through a German version that my brother had. I can't speak German, but I was fascinated by the pictures and was dying to know what was really going on. It took me awhile, but I found the English version. It's actually very sad and post-apocalyptic and how humans fear mutants and are trying to hunt them to extinction. 

That's a common theme in all of the X-Men-based series: the fight between Xavier's "good" mutants and Magneto's "bad" mutants and how their war directly affects how the world sees them. Poor Magneto's actions were always self-fulfilled prophecies.  By acting badly of course the world viewed mutants poorly when they're trying to take over the world and being all superior to regular mortals. So it will be interesting to see what kind of happy ending that they can tack on so we're not all depressed when we leave the theater. I think the X-Men series was created to make us really think about how we view others and that no one should be treated differently. It's a cautionary tale.

I'm also super excited about Iron Man 3 (go Tony Stark) and the next Star Trek installment. Yea!!!!!! May is going to be an awesome month for movie-goers even if those are the only two movies we see. Over and over. In 3-D and/or IMAX. Or 2-D. And then we preorder the Blu-ray/DVD combo packs and wait impatiently for that lovely Amazon.com box to show up. Squeal of excitement! For some reason I'm getting the urge to watch The Avengers. Marvel studios, I love you. Disney, thank you for taking them in and letting them work on the interconnectedness that is the comic book world.

There was a brief time as an adult that I would go on Tuesdays to the comic book store and buy the latest installments of my favorite series. What I learned was that current writers are ruining my beloved comic heroes. Instead of leaving our heroes on pedestals they are making them flawed. Very flawed, in fact. And fallible. And sleeping around and unwed pregnancy in Teen Titans. I don't even want to address what they've done to Wonder Woman's home Themyscira (Paradise Island). Again, I wanted to escape reality, not revel in it. I'll not be seeing the last Batman movie. I don't care how wonderful people thought it was. It's dark. Too dark for me. I want funny and hopeful. I want the Hulk punching Thor for no reason. I want Alan Quatermain rising from the dead at the end of LXG. I want Superman and Lois Lane to be together (sorry, Superman Returns--I didn't like the unwed pregnancy--hated it, in fact). Heroes should be people we aspire to be, a better version of us, not exactly the same but with super powers. Stop ruining my escapism! Or I'll have to start creating my own.

May pawns leave a chessboard of their own volition?

So, a week of uncertainty has passed at work. It's uncertain because they announced major changes in that meeting on Monday morning but forgot to arrange for the little changes caused by the big changes. By "big" I mean upper management level and by "little" I mean everyone else in the company. And there are a LOT of "little" changes because of the rearrangement of departments and such, so much so that they still haven't decided all of the decisions. Um, who are my bosses and who are my clients and how many more am I getting? And am I staying in my present office or being moved across the way? And what shall we do now that one of the managers who was being moved to my office has decided to put in their two weeks notice?

It's unpleasant being a pawn in someone else's game. They move me from square to square and I swear I'm the one they keep sacrificing and then putting back in when it starts all over again. It reminds me just a bit of Through The Looking Glass And What Alice Found There by Lewis Carrol. This companion piece to Alice in Wonderland (and often bound together as if it's one book) is written like a chess game. There's even an explanation of the moves at the beginning of the book. Upon looking out across the Looking Glass World at the top of a hill and noticing that the land stretched out and looked like a chessboard, Alice says excitedly, "It's a great huge game of chess that's being played--all over the world--if this is the world at all, you know. Oh, what fun it is! How I wish I was one of them! I wouldn't mind being a Pawn, if only I might join--though, of course, I should like to be a Queen best." And off she goes in a mad game of chess in which (spoiler alert) she becomes a queen at the end.

I wouldn't mind playing if I could ever graduate from being a pawn to a queen. But now that I know for a surety that I won't in this company, that I'll always be sacrificed or taken somewhere mid-game, I'm pretty much done. I never learned chess. I felt the rules were far too complicated to keep straight. Checkers I was okay at, though Chinese Checkers was my favorite.

I've now taken a couple of assessment tests to find out where my skills and interests might join together to find a career path I might not hate. I'm going to talk to a career counselor, too, just because I am so burned out that just looking through employment listings makes me want to cry in despair that I'm never going to find something that I might actually like...that pays money...in a poor economy.

Should I set up a fund for people to support me while I finish my novel I've been barely writing for almost ten years? Should I move to a commune? Should I homestead in Alaska so I can't be kicked out for not paying rent because I ran out of money trying to chase a dream? I hate being practical.

However, I will giggle a little that this last test says things like: avoid adventuring, develop woodworking, explore office practices (what I'm trying to avoid), and pursue science and the creative arts. I knew the creative part would come into it, but science? I didn't get those super-smart logical genes. I take issues with scientific "laws" which are really just guesses that haven't yet been disproven. And scientific subsets that disagree with one another. And that color is merely the way light is reflected and/or absorbed so when there's no light, there's no color. Tell you what, I will concede that some things may not have color in the absence of light due to merely the reflection/absorption issue, if you concede that some things have color as part of its properties. And if there's no light, how can you actually prove your theory?

Though I have read what the news sees fit to report on obvious studies that somebody funded proving facts everyone already knew. Perhaps it's the perfect job after all! Or not. We'll see.

My, my, how rumors fly!

Remember when you were in junior high and high school and rumors spread like wildfire? I think the writers of Easy A had it right when Emma Stone explains about "The Accelerated velocity of Terminological Inexactitude."

Did you know that the workplace can be just as petty and complicated to navigate as when you were a teenager? It's like we never grew up. You could be close to 60 with grandchildren and be just as quick to spread and/or start a rumor as when you were 14. I know you can't tell, but I'm rolling my eyes right now.

When I first thought of this post a few days ago, it had to do with a rumor about myself that had just gotten back to me that people at work think I'm going to have to move because of my health. So NOT what was originally said. Namely, that my younger sister would like me to move back home as it would fix some of my health issues. That is what I told people about my sister's visit (and that we had a good time, despite the fact that she was here for a funeral).

However, since that wholly inaccurate account surfaced, we've had a bit of a kerfuffle at work and though the rumor of my move is premature, now the entire company is talking about an entirely different rumor, hopefully having nothing to do with me.

Our company decided to announce midweek that there is a company-wide meeting this coming Monday morning at 8:30 a.m. There was no explanation given; we all just received the appointment. I read the email and may have said out loud "let the rumors begin." Don't they know that when the corporate officers are vague that the employees guess? I decided to ask the people in my tiny satellite office if they had any good guesses. And by that I meant not anything based in reality. I figured that if we made up outlandish stuff that I could keep my mind off of actually speculating, which might lead to nervousness and panic and maybe eventually the dark side (if Yoda is right).

Here's what I came up with: we're all getting helper monkeys to assist us in our work, we will be made to wear uniforms in shades of pumpkin and puce, they are changing our company name *again* (actually possible), we will be allowed to bring pets to work as they'll lower our blood pressure and we'll be less likely to leave. Of course, more than one person said maybe we're all getting fired. Cue the nervous laughter.

Well, others must of have thought of the same thing because about one to two hours later we were sent an email that said that the rumor of massive layoffs was just that: a rumor. Layoffs are not anticipated. Hmmm. Couldn't they have been definitive and said layoffs weren't happening at all? Verbiage: it's important. It reminds me of The Emperor's New Groove when Yzma and Kronk are locked in the closet at Pacha's place and Yzma says: "Tell us where the talking llama is and we'll burn your house to the ground."
Kronk: "Uh, don't you mean or?"
Yzma:  [Sigh] "Tell us where the talking llama is OR we'll burn your house to the ground."
Chaca: "Well, which is it? That seems like a pretty crucial conjunction."

Note that my division has a second meeting right after the first half-hour one. It means change. That I'm sure of. What is changing I have no idea. However, it can't be layoffs because that would be late on a Friday. This meeting should probably be at the end of the day because I can't imagine anyone wanting to work after bad news. Believe me, it will be bad. Not fired bad, but bad for my workload. Whatever changes they've made to the company since I was hired nine years ago has always added to the amount and type of work I do. I don't know how anyone could imagine that one person could possibly do all the things I'm asked to. But I'm not going to worry too much about it. Because I've been thinking about leaving...before the meeting was announced, even. If they offer severance (if it's that sort of meeting), it may be hard for me to not voluntarily separate.

Maybe it will be good news....

Sugar-free Doesn't Work For Me

There are some people out there who are incredibly healthy and never have to take sick days. To you I say: bravo (or brava, depending on your gender)! I've also learned that the hyper-healthy don't usually seem to have either sympathy or empathy towards those who do get sick; that somehow those who "claim" to be sick are somehow faking it or...something.

I have no answers on how to help someone who is never sick to believe someone else who is. I probably don't have enough sympathy for the unsympathetic mostly because I'm trying not to be annoyed at people who think I fake MY illnesses. Amongst other health flaws, I've had food issues since high school and it's taken me a good bit to try to figure out what will set me off. Once I learn what each thing is I either try to work around it, avoid it, or eat it anyway. Sometimes I look at a food choice that I know will make me ill (either immediately or a few hours later or the next day, even) and I weigh its deliciousness with the future pain and/or discomfort. Some things are no longer worth it, like packaged name-brand Rice Crispy Treats. Don't get me wrong, I used to love them, but now I associate the taste with feeling bad, and that's hard to get over.

I once got a reaaaaaaaaallllly bad case of tonsillitis the same night I'd had fish at a family reunion. Even though the fever and sickness had nothing to do with fish, my mind still associated it together. It took me years before I convinced myself that not eating fish, which I used to love over almost anything else, was just silly. I'm back to loving fish and am glad that I got over that. Whew! Sorry, Charlie. Ha ha.

But back to Rice Crispy Treats. I can eat Rice Crispies for breakfast and not have a problem, as long as it's not what I eat every morning. I can also eat the homemade kind of treats if I wanted to, but the prepackaged kind has preservatives and I apparently can't abide them. Also, hydrogenated oils. I can't gorge myself on Reese's Peanut Butter Cups, Reese's Pieces, or anything made with modern peanut butter (and, really, I should never be gorging on anything). However, I *have* learned that I have no problems whatsoever with natural peanut butter. Yea! I would miss not being able to have a pb&j when I want one. ...Or a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich, which tastes an awful lot like a peanut butter cup.

Sugar substitutes give me heartburn. How frustrating do you think it is that when you try to eat Quaker's Weight Control oatmeal when it just makes you feel nauseated and burn-y in that region between your throat and stomach. Sigh. Oatmeal with actual sugar--NO PROBLEMS. It's like my body only likes natural stuff on one hand, but not too much (I won't over share my issues with fiber as it's not for polite company).

It makes me laugh when I see the commercials for the new sweetener from a different plant. The catchphrase involves going back to nature for sweetness. Um, isn't sugar from plants? And corn syrup comes from plants. How is that different? Are you trying to do a bait and switch? Or a shell game in the hopes that we'll be distracted by your rather offensive song about sugar making your butt fat that we don't notice that other sweeteners are also "natural?" Sheesh. Is anyone really falling for that? Sugar isn't really the culprit, despite the hype. It is the overindulgence of sugar that is the real problem.

So, yes, I'm sugar-substitute-sensitive. A whole bunch of diet stuff is out the window for me. Ahem, but too much sugar and being hot temperature-wise will lead me to a whole lot of ickiness. So I have to be careful about my sugar intake on hot days. And I can't eat any recipes that cook chicken with the rest of the ingredients, and I have to pat the grease off of my pepperoni pizza, and french fries did make me ill for awhile when all the fast food places switched their frying oil to, I think, canola, but now they use something different and fries are no longer toxic to me (in the short term). And I can't eat at Cafe Rio or Costa Vida anymore. At all. And I can't eat too many eggs, or at least the yolks, but I will sometimes feel rebellious and eat deviled eggs anyway!!!

Sadly, I could continue my litany of food issues. But guess what? Despite all of that, I still enjoy eating out. Sometimes it's worth the risk of what might happen later, but usually I can find something that won't cause me any troubles at all. I am just more selective now than I used to be. Hopefully I will stop accidentally finding more food problems. I'd like to think I've discovered them all, but I hear as you get older and your body starts falling apart faster than you can repair it that you get food issues. I have enough, thank you. No more. NO MORE, I say!

Do you think defiant denial will work?

Me, neither.

Compromise = Nobody wins OR loses

There is a joke about a husband and wife at a party. During a conversation with another couple the wife states that when she and her husband disagree and she gets her way it's a compromise. "What happens if I get my way?" asked the husband. She looks at him and says "It's a miracle."

Then we can reference The Office (American version) and talk about the Win-Win-Win. I don't know how Dunder Mifflin can really explain in their HR handbook about three wins, but it's in an episode. Now I feel like I should re-watch it.

Compromise does not actually mean that someone wins and someone loses. What it's supposed to mean is that both sides/parties give in a little bit and give up a little bit so they meet somewhere in the middle. For example: a couple wants to see a movie - the boy wants to see the latest shoot-em-up and the girl wants to see something romantic. How do they solve it? Well, if the boy convinces his date to see his movie, the compromise would be that she gets to choose the next movie they see together. The same goes if the girl convinces the boy to see the sappy movie, he gets the next choice. Another way to compromise is if they decide on a third movie that neither would mind seeing. What is NOT compromising is when one person always gets to choose to the detriment of the other.

We US citizens seem bent on stubbornness and pride and that it's "my way or the highway." I admit I'm stubborn, but I really don't like fighting. I like people and darn it, I want them to like me back. It doesn't always work out that way, but at least I try. There are many divisive issues out there. There's a reason why they say to avoid the following topics at parties: religion, politics, and ... I forget the third. I'll say the third is your health, because who wants to hear about that? I talk more about my health than I should, but I would avoid it at all costs at a party. It's a downer. And some people go into gross details. Also, don't talk about how fabulous your family/kids/job/whatever is soooooo much better than everyone else's. No one will like you anymore and good luck getting personal invitations in the future.

There are some hot-button items out there that are making people really mad. One is gun control. Many people are either for or against. And they can get loud about their passionate feelings on it. This is how I feel: passing more laws to limit guns will not affect criminals one bit. They're already breaking the law and you're just adding more laws they can ignore. We have plenty of laws about guns and we should follow/enforce them before adding more.

To me, controlling guns isn't the issue. The REAL issue is that we have more psycho- and sociopaths in our society than we used to. This is what happens when as a society we're so interested in our own pleasures that we don't care about others. So, goons with guns are a symptom of poor behavior and lack of caring for others. You could say the same for ignoring traffic lights, graffiti, shoplifting, embezzlement, prostitution, drug abuse, abuse in general, etc. Of those who break the law, how many of them have "good" intentions? Identity theft isn't done for "the greater good." It's purely for easy personal gain without the hard work. Funnily enough, if the people doing the sophisticated thieving would put their energy into being employed they wouldn't need to steal from other people--people they usually don't know...so why should they care that they're ruining someone else's life?

Because you should! You should always weigh your actions against how it could affect others. Your victims are family to someone. And as you're indirectly related to all humans, we're all your family. How would you like it if someone stole your grandmother's money? Well, if *you* stole your grandmother's money, then you're that sociopath I mentioned earlier.

Here's what I hope for my nation: that we can compromise. That both major parties in Congress and the Senate can work together on a solution that will satisfy some of the concerns for both, but neither side should get everything they want. They should meet in the middle!!!!! What I really hope is that they can work on getting guns out of criminals' hands and not out of the general population. It is really hard to limit something once it's out there, no matter how seemingly right or wrong. You know what would be even better: working on a way so less people in our country grow up to be career criminals. Why aren't we working on that? Wouldn't that benefit everyone and fix most of the issues? Hmmmmm.

I'm a recovering hopeless romantic

I was born boy-crazy. I don't think you can *get* this boy crazy without a wicked head start somewhere, so I'm pretty sure that I was mad for boys BEFORE I was born. And when I was the tiniest child I knew that my chosen career was motherhood, when I wasn't dreaming of being a princess, that is. Everything I did, studied, behaved, etc., was to make me a good mother. I learned how to cook. Found out I could sew but didn't pursue it as other siblings were awesome at it (and you know I don't like to compete). I'm really good with children. I was a certified babysitter, even. I changed diapers and such, you would have loved me watching your kids. My motto was that if I wouldn't be able to tell my kids about it, I didn't want to do it.

I also fell in love very, very easily. The guy didn't even have to love me back. Just a kind word every three months or so was enough to give me hope. Poor, poor, Dee. How I would love to travel back in time and tell my love-struck self: work on other things, it will happen when it happens, going all gooey over boys who aren't interested in you only drives them further and farther away. After failing to get men to love me numerous times, I finally figured out that I'd trained so hard at being a mom that I hadn't done anything on learning how to be a good girlfriend...which is usually a gateway to wife-hood, which is my preferred step to motherhood.

Part of the problem of being a hopeless romantic is that:
a)  you hear stories about how others get together and you think it's going to happen the exact same way for you
b) you read romances and think that love happens the way it does on the pages
c) you believe Hollywood about soul mates and happily-ever-afters and finding "the one"

It's all bunk! Every single last bit! Your "love" story is not based on anyone else's experience. I had to stop reading romances so my expectations could come back down to normal levels. I have to be in the mood to watch romantic movies now because usually I just roll my eyes.

Here's my problem: the way I loved boys when I was 19 is not the way I love men 20-some-odd years later. When I was too young to know better (what, 12?) I worshipped "Somewhere In Time." It was sooooo romantic <cue the gushy happy sigh>. He went back in time for her after she'd found him. Okay, so when I hit my later teens I realized that the watch never existed as it never had a creation point. Perhaps if he'd made a replica and went back in time with it, it would have worked. But I digress. NOW, I can't stomach the story at all. She had a successful career and threw it all away for a guy she knew for a week WHO DISAPPEARED IN FRONT OF HER?!?!?! Well, she's crazy. Certifiable. She probably would have needed years of therapy. Why, after he disappeared, didn't she eventually pick herself up and, if not go back to the stage, find a nice man to settle down with? It's not as if she wasn't gorgeous. So the story doesn't work for this woman who is living on her own and is now older than Jane Seymour's character would have been.

And now for a tiny bit of criticism for "He's Just Not That Into You." I didn't read the book, so this opinion is purely based on the movie. I thought the ending was inauthentic to the message the movie portrayed throughout its entirety and they had to go pull out a happy ending from left field. Aren't they still allowing girls to think that every one of them is the exception to the "not being into you?" You gave them hope instead of proper instruction. What the hey? I was disappointed by that resolution. I wanted a little realism to sink into other hopeless romantics' brains to help them with their own recovery. Does the self-help book have a happy ending? Are there guaranteed ways to get a guy to like you? Because I finally decided that if a guy doesn't like me he's not worth my time. Where's *that* movie? The one where the girl has two horrible choices and walks away from both with her dignity intact? It doesn't exist? Pity.

Apparently, some people find it surprising that at my "advanced" age that I still hope to marry for love instead of just companionship. It's true. I'm not interested in marrying just anyone or I would have already done that. If I was so desperate for marriage instead of a proper match, I wouldn't have cared that the only guys that seem to be brave enough to approach me creep me out to no end. One of my sisters thinks I should give those guys a chance. I think if she met these guys she wouldn't want them as a relative. It's sad that my strengths seem to alienate eligible men of my faith. It's also sad that guys outside my faith don't care about my brain and only want something I'm not willing to give.

So, yes, I'm an old-fashioned girl in a modern world who refuses to live with her parents purely because she's unmarried. So if guys think my independence is an indication that I don't need a man, let me be clear: I would love to share my life with the right guy. I would give up my "career" in an instant if the opportunity of raising children became a possibility. Would it be healthy for me to stay helpless in hopes of a man who wouldn't be intimidated by my modicum of success of holding down a job in this economy? Get *that* guy a reality check. Also, I have slowly gained weight over the years and am not as slender as I used to be. I understand that this makes me less desirable even to guys who are also overweight.

Are there no men of faith who don't mind brainy chicks with geekish tendencies who happen to be really curvy?

If there aren't then my last romantic desire will be shattered and that will be that. Don't make me into a Pandora who lets all hope go. Even though I am not interested in manufactured fictional love, I do have a plaque in my apartment that states "It's never too late to live happily ever after." So, there's still some romance in me, it just no longer drives me to seek out men and chase them. But I *am* ready to be sought after....