On Dreaming

So, I've been having more frustration dreams than usual. This is not fun. But now they've turned scarier and bloomed into frustration nightmares. Believe me, there's a difference. I do not enjoy the panic and fear I'm experiencing. And the "wonderful" thing about them is that they're right before I wake up, so I end up remembering them better. This morning's treat was having a friend tell me that my brother died and my parents not wanting to double check the info, even though he reportedly died in a military hospital on a base. After I told my mom that I saw a look of shock cross her face...and then I woke up. I was so upset my brother died and no one had informed his family! So that feeling stayed with me a little bit until I could calm down and convince myself it was a dream. When a dream wakes you up it can take a little bit to leave that dreaming place and settle back into reality.

But I've been doing lucid dreaming for years, so why did I not a) realize I was dreaming so b) I could change it?

And should I mention a dream of a leaping attack of anger that my mind played out only a week ago? I was so enraged against a co-worker who was criticizing my job and trying to convince our boss to hire the daughter of a friend that I leapt to the attack; not unlike a big game cat and their prey. I was screeching/yelling, as well. The dream fast forwarded a bit, so I was aware of the attack and still seething, but my boss made me do penance: by having me hire the young girl to work with us. My conscious self is very disturbed by that incident that never happened. I would never, ever do something like that for real. But a part of myself is very stressed and apparently very angry.

It may be time to actually start going to therapy. But anti-depressants and therapy are merely treating the symptoms of the larger problem of my job. Altering my dosage and/or learning how to handle stress better will not change the nature of what I do, how much I do, and what the company expects. I stay because I've had stable employment for almost a decade and the job market isn't great. I wish I had the ability to just walk away.

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I started writing this on July 11th, but had to stop due to the sheer emotionality I was feeling that day. I have not remembered any frustration dreams the last few mornings, but I'm so tense when I go to bed that it takes awhile to fall asleep. And it shouldn't.

I have applied for a new job, but one of the hiring managers is out until August 5th and the job is still open for people to apply. I applied on the third day it was posted, late last month. So, I have to keep that at the back of my mind as thinking about it at work isn't productive and will drive me batty.

I did something yesterday that I think I will have to keep doing: I gave myself permission to fail. I'm the kind of perfectionist who likes to do things right and well. If I can't do them right and/or well, I tend not to do them at all. Anyone who has seen my apartment would know that I'm not perfect at cleaning. One of my managers said a couple of weeks ago that I'm harder on myself than any of them are. I don't like disappointing people and so I get frustrated when I think I might have let someone down. So, now I'm allowed to fail. I can make mistakes and fix them if and when necessary. It's okay to not be perfect.

My job today went better. But that could be the lack of sleep? What does it matter, as long as it works. New goal: don't be so high strung and it will be okay if my work quality goes down if my stress lessens and productivity goes up. Crossing fingers and toes.