Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Please stop shattering my illusion of control

I have a working theory that anger is often the emotion we feel after someone has broken the illusion that we were in control. Of anything. Even as I kid I was angry when I didn't get what I wanted, but it's probably because I expected to get it because I thought I had some influence over the outcome. Yeah, that was a control issue, too.

So I'm truly at my happiest when I realize I'm not in control of things. I have some control over my own life...when I'm not at work. I cannot seem to control the outcome of me with other people, though. I'm still single because I have no influence at all on how or what boys think of me. It doesn't matter what I try, so I've stopped trying. I haven't given up, mind you, but I've stopped trying to be someone other than geeky ol' me. I can't pull off glamorous or mysterious. Nerdy, yes. Awkward, check. Lots and lots of friends who are girls who think I'm awesome and wonder why the boys are blind, and how!

I do have a temper. I don't like it one bit and I get angry at myself when I let my emotions get the best of me. It's because I've realized Once Again that I'm not as self-possessed as I'd like to be or even thought I was. Some people just go with the flow and appreciate their life just as it is. I am often unable to achieve that level of zen. I worry a lot. A LOT. My mother taught me that skill and I've kept it up with lots of practice. I'm hoping to get to a point when I'm rusty at it, but it hasn't happened yet.

But back to not being in control at work. I do have my tiny sphere of things-I-can-do-without-being-told-to-do-them, but those duties are in my job description and are expected. But sometimes, sometimes no one who makes the bigger decisions is around and someone else wants an answer ASAP. This is where I have not learned to let go of the decision. I get mad when someone asks me for permission for something and I say "no" because it's against policy, and then they go around me and ask the person who wasn't presently here so they can try to get a "yes." And if they get a "yes" it infuriates me. Because I tried to take control and I really didn't have it and why can't everyone say "no" so they'll stop trying to go above my head? Sigh. Note to self: don't ever make the decision yourself, be vague, and take your time getting back to them. Ha!

It's probably a good thing that I'm in a good place mentally as I write this. If I wrote it during an angry tirade I'd probably come off as petty and peevish. My anger is usually about the "I" of things. I didn't get the part I auditioned for and I think I'm a better actress than the one who did. I thought I was going to marry that boy who decided to choose someone else. I thought I told you "no" and that would be good enough and that you'd trust my judgement with that answer. You are purposely undermining me in front of everyone when you gave me the authority to make these kinds of decisions. "Et cetera, et cetera, et cetera." That's the second time I've quoted that line from Rodgers & Hammerstein's The King and I in a week's time (the 1956 musical with Yul Brynner and Deborah Kerr).

Does anyone else have this issue and anger/control? Is it just me? I can't be *that* unique. Somehow I've got to be just like the rest of humanity....

I have some friends who don't like to make decisions. This used to annoy me to no end when it was "their" turn to choose things like a place to eat or a movie to see. But now instead of being angry when they won't choose a restaurant when it's their turn, I've figured out a solution: offer them the choice of a place and if they can't think of one after a certain amount of time, make the decision yourself. If they felt strongly about anything in particular they should state it up front instead of making us drag it out of them after who knows how long. And if you're annoyed that your friends never let you choose what you want to do, you should make a decision on something BEFORE you get together so your wish can be made known. Okay? I always have a place in mind, but I was trying to be courteous and fair. Don't hate me because you can't assert yourself even when you're asked to, begged to, and/or expected to.

Just so we're clear, I'm not relinquishing all decision-making in my life to achieve a state of happiness, I'm just admitting that even when I make a choice that there's a possibility that it won't end up like I expected. I should have lower expectations...in some aspects of my life. I realized with the last boy I dated that my expectations were too low as far as the male species was concerned. So, higher expectations in the behavior of a guy I might like and lower expectations in general of any outcome whatsoever.

Well, I'll give it a try or three and hope for a better me.

Sunday, September 16, 2012

Why is it not okay to admit what you want?

As children we are trained to ask for what we want politely, though sometimes we'd say "pretty please with sugar on top" while maybe hopping up and down because we want it so much. Just pointing and saying "want" didn't work after age 2. Pointing and grunting was also discouraged.

So, tell me, when did it become not okay to admit that we want things? Why is part of the passage into "adulthood" often not being able to be honest with one another? If I am on a first date at a restaurant, I am NOT ordering a salad. That's not what I want to eat and if you wanted someone who actually wanted to eat salad for dinner you wouldn't have asked me out anyway. It's true that in the past I would have (secretly unhappily) ordered a salad as I heard that it's what you were supposed to do, but it's silly and I'm not doing it anymore. I'm also more self-possessed than I was years ago, so am not really interested in doing everything the way you're supposed to.

I am not allowed to utter the following phrases in a mixed company of singles: I would like to date, I would like to have a boyfriend, I would like to be married one day. Apparently, saying such things out loud is highly scandalous. Once you say anything close to that single men treat you like a pariah and you might as well have leprosy. Don't they also want to date, find someone to date exclusively, and then one day be married? So, why isn't it okay to say it? I didn't say I wanted to marry them in particular, I just would like to be married someday.

Yes, it's true that when I was in kindergarten I chased around a boy during recess and told him that I was going to kiss him. He was very good at running away. Poor thing, I probably scarred him for life. What I did take away from the experience, though, is that I am a coward at making first moves. When I finally caught him and I was in prime kissing position, I freaked out and let him go. I didn't chase him after that. My bluff had been called. It was many, many years after that when I was first kissed.

I think it is problematic of my faith that there are many more single women than men who regularly attend. This means that the men that do go, regardless of wealth or even if they are attractive, are consistently swarmed by women who would like to date them. Why choose just one woman when you can have an unofficial harem at your beck and call? This is to the guys' advantage, however, and they get asked out and have dinners cooked for them and if they do date exclusively and then break up, there's no proper waiting period before they're dating someone else.

I am never one of those girls on the arm of those guys who are dating. I'm more like that funny girl that everyone likes to be around but no one knows why they're still single (because no one is asking me out, genius). That's great that my friends think I'm awesome and they don't know who is good enough to set me up with. Just greeeeaaaaaaaaaaat. Again, I could date if I didn't care who it was or whether they were in my faith or not. But that's not me. Besides, I'd annoy any guy who was only occasionally religious as I am very much so. I'm about as straight-laced as you can get. So, yes, my dating options are limited and the older I get the sparser they become.

I also don't like to compete. So you won't find me joining the hopeful entourage of the very popular guys. I'll be in the fringe flirting heavily with guys who *aren't* being swarmed. This hasn't worked so far. I'll have to work up a new strategy, like being just me, but being emotionally available for whatever may or may not come. And asking my friends to set me up. Or putting up a dating profile on one of those sites. Yep, I think it's about that time.

Thursday, September 6, 2012

Don't Judge Me Because I Was A Scheduled Surgery

My mother has told me the story that around the time of my birth there was a betting pool going around with expectant mothers guessing when their child would be born. As I was a scheduled surgery, my mother felt it would be wrong to participate. I'm assuming that the cesarean section (c-section) was scheduled around 8:00 a.m. as I was born at 8:06 a.m. Again, just guessing. Never been pregnant (haven't had that opportunity). I was the fourth of the five children my mom had by c-section. She couldn't deliver us naturally and, boy, she wanted children!

People will always find something to be prejudiced about. I'm really big on free will. I think everyone has a human right to do what they want...provided that they are well-informed that no matter what they may choose there are consequences to those choices and that they are willing to live with whatever may happen next. For example: I like cakes and cookies. I know that when I eat them too often I will gain weight. I can workout to keep off the pounds from such indulgences, give up eating the sweets, or do something drastic to try to remove the consequence of weight gain, such as surgery. If I decided to get liposuction ONLY because I didn't want to work to lose the weight or prevent the gaining of it in the first place, then that would be irresponsible as there is a chance of death from the surgery. I mean, I might feel like my lungs are going to explode if I run for any length of time, but they won't. My asthma isn't *that* bad. Don't get me wrong, you are allowed to have liposuction just as I am allowed to think it's risky to do so.

So, if you're allowed to do what I deem "extremely weird" by having your childbirth happen in a kiddie pool in your living room and then eat the placenta afterwards, then I should be allowed to have a c-section if necessary, as that will most likely be my outcome of ever getting pregnant. Yesterday I read an article about a non-protest on childbirth  (held on Labor Day, no less) which has me very, extremely, frighteningly concerned. Despite the protestations of the website claiming that the people gathering nationally with picket signs wasn't a protest, this only opens the door to judginess. If you are doing your best to educate people on not having voluntary inductions and cesareans, you also run the risk of people judging others on their birthing choices who have chosen differently than you have. Though it may be true that some women want to get out of being pregnant earlier than their due date or their child's own internal clock, it is also true that some of those inductions and c-sections were necessary.

When you don't actually know the history of such a choice, are you sure you can properly look down upon someone who makes it? My mother would never ever have been able to pass any of her children the "normal" way. Surgery was necessary for the first through fifth child for our mutual survival. Due to genetics, there would be a high probability that if my mother couldn't deliver vaginally, then it was likely that the same would happen to any of her daughters. Of my three sisters, only one has not had to have a c-section. Of the one sister who has birthed both ways, her doctor cautioned against a VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean) for her third child as her second had to be removed via c-section for health reasons. Yes, it was for a legitimate emergency. She didn't have the highly risky (for her and her baby) VBAC. All my sisters, as well as their children, are alive and well.

Because my sisters share some of their life stories with me, I know that one had to sit through a very uncomfortable conversation where someone else was sharing their horror story of almost having to have a cesarean as if it were an evil thing, but prayer saved them in the end. Good for you! However, my sister felt diminished from having had to do such a thing as having her children surgically removed, though none of them would be alive if she hadn't. A different sister had to hear how feeding your child formula was irresponsible (actually, not having enough colostrum is also common in my genetics and not supplementing breast milk with formula may have led to my sisters' children starving, but let's not take something like *that* into account).

But people are passionate. They are passionate that others should be just like them. You may have noticed such behavior in politics. Can I just say that I'm soooooooo happy that a) I can't afford cable or satellite, b) digital television by antenna simply doesn't work, and c) watching television over the Internet really cuts down on political blechiness. I don't like muckraking and never have. Stop being not nice to each other (this means even on facebook). I am abstaining from being overtly political online because 1) I have had to sit through many, MANY political discussions where the party I usually align myself with has been thoroughly dissected and insulted by family members that assumed I was part of their political belief system and 2) hating groups of people because of their personal beliefs makes me uncomfortable. So I will do what I always do and vote according to my conscience, which includes learning candidates' political platforms by researching online directly from their websites. If you don't have a website or if your political goals are not clearly stated on them then I am not voting for you. Tres simple, non?

I am already aware that I will have to have surgery during childbirth if I want living children. It would not matter how much I researched other options and alternative birthing methods. It would be irresponsible of me to not have good prenatal care or go to the hospital when it's time. But I may never have to make such a choice as I'm still single and am not going to purposely go the single-parent route. And if I pass along my genetics, then my children will also run the risk of having to have a c-section. So, you see, it could be that there are more cesareans performed in the USA because we have been performing them longer than a lot of other countries and allowing children such as I to live and procreate, therefore passing along the same health issue (this has led to my concern about those who have to use fertility treatments to conceive--will their children be even less fertile--I don't know). So, to recap: child birthing is a miracle no matter how you do it. Don't mistake it for anything other than that. And don't judge me for leaning on modern medicine for my survival. I'm going to do it anyway and I'd rather not have someone trying to make me feel guilty for doing so. That's what consequences are for....