I have a working theory that anger is often the emotion we feel after someone has broken the illusion that we were in control. Of anything. Even as I kid I was angry when I didn't get what I wanted, but it's probably because I expected to get it because I thought I had some influence over the outcome. Yeah, that was a control issue, too.
So I'm truly at my happiest when I realize I'm not in control of things. I have some control over my own life...when I'm not at work. I cannot seem to control the outcome of me with other people, though. I'm still single because I have no influence at all on how or what boys think of me. It doesn't matter what I try, so I've stopped trying. I haven't given up, mind you, but I've stopped trying to be someone other than geeky ol' me. I can't pull off glamorous or mysterious. Nerdy, yes. Awkward, check. Lots and lots of friends who are girls who think I'm awesome and wonder why the boys are blind, and how!
I do have a temper. I don't like it one bit and I get angry at myself when I let my emotions get the best of me. It's because I've realized Once Again that I'm not as self-possessed as I'd like to be or even thought I was. Some people just go with the flow and appreciate their life just as it is. I am often unable to achieve that level of zen. I worry a lot. A LOT. My mother taught me that skill and I've kept it up with lots of practice. I'm hoping to get to a point when I'm rusty at it, but it hasn't happened yet.
But back to not being in control at work. I do have my tiny sphere of things-I-can-do-without-being-told-to-do-them, but those duties are in my job description and are expected. But sometimes, sometimes no one who makes the bigger decisions is around and someone else wants an answer ASAP. This is where I have not learned to let go of the decision. I get mad when someone asks me for permission for something and I say "no" because it's against policy, and then they go around me and ask the person who wasn't presently here so they can try to get a "yes." And if they get a "yes" it infuriates me. Because I tried to take control and I really didn't have it and why can't everyone say "no" so they'll stop trying to go above my head? Sigh. Note to self: don't ever make the decision yourself, be vague, and take your time getting back to them. Ha!
It's probably a good thing that I'm in a good place mentally as I write this. If I wrote it during an angry tirade I'd probably come off as petty and peevish. My anger is usually about the "I" of things. I didn't get the part I auditioned for and I think I'm a better actress than the one who did. I thought I was going to marry that boy who decided to choose someone else. I thought I told you "no" and that would be good enough and that you'd trust my judgement with that answer. You are purposely undermining me in front of everyone when you gave me the authority to make these kinds of decisions. "Et cetera, et cetera, et cetera." That's the second time I've quoted that line from Rodgers & Hammerstein's The King and I in a week's time (the 1956 musical with Yul Brynner and Deborah Kerr).
Does anyone else have this issue and anger/control? Is it just me? I can't be *that* unique. Somehow I've got to be just like the rest of humanity....
I have some friends who don't like to make decisions. This used to annoy me to no end when it was "their" turn to choose things like a place to eat or a movie to see. But now instead of being angry when they won't choose a restaurant when it's their turn, I've figured out a solution: offer them the choice of a place and if they can't think of one after a certain amount of time, make the decision yourself. If they felt strongly about anything in particular they should state it up front instead of making us drag it out of them after who knows how long. And if you're annoyed that your friends never let you choose what you want to do, you should make a decision on something BEFORE you get together so your wish can be made known. Okay? I always have a place in mind, but I was trying to be courteous and fair. Don't hate me because you can't assert yourself even when you're asked to, begged to, and/or expected to.
Just so we're clear, I'm not relinquishing all decision-making in my life to achieve a state of happiness, I'm just admitting that even when I make a choice that there's a possibility that it won't end up like I expected. I should have lower expectations...in some aspects of my life. I realized with the last boy I dated that my expectations were too low as far as the male species was concerned. So, higher expectations in the behavior of a guy I might like and lower expectations in general of any outcome whatsoever.
Well, I'll give it a try or three and hope for a better me.
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