So, I wallowed into a pool of misery, woe is me, and self-pity on Sunday. I was a mess. But, I made myself go to another Sunday night lecture. It was all about gaining more hope, even if you're running on empty. Oddly, even though I was still oh, so sad about not getting the things that I want when I want them, the message still sunk in.
Unfortunately, it took another day to process. So I was still sad on Monday. And then that night I thought, "I'm being completely ridiculous and I kind of hate myself right now. What was that advice again?"
I cannot tell you how nice it is to NOT be weeping about a situation in which I have no control. So I've been calm and resilient the last two days...as well as coming down sick with a chest cold. Stupid stress on Sunday and Monday! If only I hadn't had a brief emotional breakdown a few days ago, I might have avoided the sick part. Maybe.
Sometimes, okay, really, all the time, it's frustrating when life does not go the way we hope, wish, pray, plan, and beg for. But for all the self-study I've been doing since high school, as well as I know myself, there's still a difference between Need and Want. I need to eat to survive: true. I need to eat a steak dinner every night to survive: false. I only want a steak dinner, and eating it would help the need, but something less...fattening would be better for daily consumption (don't worry, steak, I'll still eat you--I just have to cut back on how much I see you). I want to go to Hawaii, but I need to pay my rent (and eat; have I mentioned eating?).
I want a good man to share my life with, but I don't actually need one. I really, truly want one for my very own and I'll pat him and love him and call him George. Well, only if his name is George. I really want someone else to take out the trash, drive, cook, clean, etc. sometimes so it's not just me (I'm not abdicating from life, I just want help). And I'm tired of going stag or "doe" to things and I no longer want to invite female friends to my "plus one" invitations. I also like to be held and I would love to cuddle in someone's arms and let some of that stress just fade away. Of course, these are the yearnings of a woman who is still very inexperienced in romance and dating. For all the dating I've done, the long-term "relationships" I've had were really nothing more than a string of great first and second dates. Even on the 25th date, nothing ever really happened.
I am not good at boy cues. I've mentioned that before. Here's what went through my brain on Sunday when I saw my friend I'm not to have a crush on: There he is! When he said he wanted to be friends did he really mean it? What if he only meant that so I wouldn't be on my guard? Oh, hey, he's sitting in view of me...again. But he's left a space next to him this time. Should I sit there? But he said he only wanted to be friends and if I sit there people will think we're dating. But I do want to date him...and sit there. Is he expecting me to sit there? I did the only thing I could think of: I sat on the complete opposite side of the room where *I* couldn't see him. Then I could stick to the plan of being his friend. And then was miserable about how confused I am.
I try to take people at their word. If you think about it, we tend to view the world through the filter of who *we* are. If I believe the words people tell me, it's only indicative that I mean the words that I say to others. This makes it hard to play the Game of Dating. Whenever I try to understand the rules, I realize that I know nothing about any of them. I have yet to find an accurate rulebook. And I freak out when I don't know what's truly expected of me. So, having not really gotten past the first and second date syndrome, I don't know *what* I'd do if a boy wanted to take me on an authentic third and fourth and fifth and so on date. It took me years to figure out how to have a school friend for more than one school year. I have no idea how to behave in a way that is endearing and adorable without ending up in the surrogate sister role.
But sometime, somewhere, there is a man who will not put me in that sister role and will want me to share his life. I'd like to think that I need that companionship, but, really, I only want it. Badly. But wanting doesn't make things happen. I need to calm down around men I like so I'm not acting like a freakish 12-yr-old girl with her first major crush. And maybe then they'll stop running. Or I may stop pushing them away, too. I still don't know how to do that, either.
But it's okay. I'm alright. If not this guy, another. Or if not now, maybe later. Unless he really was giving me a "signal" to sit by him. And then maybe I've lost out on the chance with this one. But if he wants me he's going to have to figure out how to tell me in actual words that he'd like to date me. Um, and actually do something, like work out ways to spend time with me. And hold my hand. And go in for the kiss without asking for it first. Is there such a man? I HOPE so!
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