It's that time of year when concerned persons start asking what you're doing for the holidays. Are you going home? No? Then are you at least taking some time off from work? No? Are you spending the day with friends? No? Do you want to spend time with myriads of my relatives who you don't know so you won't be alone? No?
To all of you who have checked with me to see what I'm doing, thank you for thinking of me and I appreciate that you care. However, spending time with tons of people I don't know is always awkward. And when the one person you know is the host or hostess, then you don't get to talk to them very much. It's easier for me if I actually know other members of your family. And if they know me, even better.
I know that being alone on the holidays is a difficult concept for people who have always spent winter vacations with family. And it's sweet that people love me enough to want to include me. Let me set the record straight: though I may be alone on Christmas, I will not be lonely. I sleep in, eventually roll out of bed and then open my presents, call my family and thank them for whatever they gave me, perhaps see a movie, make a non-traditional meal like salmon, and NOT watch sports. It's a great day! And I don't have to work.
I opted not to go home for Christmas this year for several reasons.
1. I can't afford to go on my own and whoever buys my ticket so they can see me "owns" me for the duration of the vacation. I would rather go on my own dime and rent a car. The last few times I've gone home I've only seen family and I have a TON of friends that I haven't seen in at least a decade.
2. My dad is recovering from non-invasive cancer treatments. Though he sounds peppier on the phone, I'm sure my mom would just put me to work if I came home. I don't know about you, but that doesn't sound vacation-y. Not that I wouldn't offer to help, because I totally would. I just think my mom would want to use me more than I was willing to give. Yes, it sounds petty. You'd have to know my mother.
3. If I don't stay with my parents but stay with my sister, then I will barely see my parents (and vice versa - it's a given that I'll barely see my brother no matter where I stay). It's difficult when you are without transportation and family in the area lives in three different cities.
4. I'm saving up my vacation time for a supposed family reunion/landmark parental anniversary which may or may not be happening as it might be this coming summer in a foreign country on a trip I can't afford. My parents would and may still help me with that plane ticket, but again, I don't have much say in the matter if I'm not footing the bill. I'm too old to sleep for days on a couch or pull-out bed because it's cheaper if a single sibling shares a suite with another sibling and their family. I'd like my own room, but if I'm not paying I don't get that luxury.
5. The most embarrassing reason: I don't like opening my presents in front of other people anymore. I love presents and I love opening presents. When I'm by myself I can stretch the experience out and savor each moment. Even doing this I'm done in a rather short time. Stretching out the experience is much harder to do when I'm opening my presents with family when they have at least three presents to each one of mine. I tend to begin resenting the fact that I don't have a spouse and children to add to the small pile o' presents when I watch other people open gifts for seemingly hours. I sadly admit to being petty about it. When I open my presents alone there is no competition on who got the best, most, or highest-priced. Not that there was ever an actual contest, if you don't count the one in my head. So in that respect I really do feel like Dudley Dursley. I'm ashamed of it. I'm aware of it. I try to avoid the situation.
So to recap: I am looking forward to having a holiday on my own timetable and not someone else's. I won't end up feeling obligated or embarrassed, just happy and joyful. I'm sure that if I had been able to go home I would be happy, too, but in spurts and I'd have to lecture myself later on being kinder internally to others during present time. Wouldn't it be nicer if in the spirit of Christmas everyone gave service to others and NOT presents? Giving *is* nice, but it doesn't help that my funds are . . . lacking . . . this year and the most I can give to my family is my love. Except for my brother as he's single, too, and I think I can scrape together a few dollars to buy him something so he has another gift to open as love doesn't come in a tangible package. Sorry, sisters!!!!!!! It's too bad I'm still paying off my surgery from June....
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