I love the English language. It fascinates me. There's always some new word to learn and its origin to explore. You'd think that since I loved my college class on the history of the English language that I might have pursued a linguistics degree instead of a straight English degree, but you'd be wrong. I hated school and straight English with no teaching was the program that would allow me to graduate the fastest. I think of my Bachelor of Arts as a badge of honor since I had to endure so many hours of torture to get it. I had dreams of becoming a writer and did my best to take the available writing courses, but the real purpose of that degree was to pump out critics. And contribute to more liberal arts degrees for kids who then have a hard time applying those skills in the real world.
Sure, having a degree in English would be a great base for moving on in schooling. In fact, I wish it were required for pre-law and premed. Lawyers and attorneys have a great knack for slaughtering the real meaning of words in their legalese until all legal documents don't make a lick of sense. They're counting on their ability to obfuscate their intentions so you agree to hand over your first born and perhaps an unneeded limb without realizing it. If only it were just explained in the fine print then it might still be legible with a magnifying glass. As for doctors, they really do need to have a better mastery of English. I was part of a local project to digitize medical abstracts from The Journal of the American Medical Association (JAMA) and was told that the digital version had to match what was printed and I was NOT ALLOWED to correct the grammar. That was torture. Not only could I not edit what really needed to be edited, I also learned about a lot of experiments on rats and mice which made me slightly ill. And not just because I am not fond of rodents.
I also struggle with corporate-ese. Do you know how many catch-phrases that the corporate world gloms onto that don't actually mean what they're intending to say? Engineers, particularly, often misuse words, but because none of them studied their own language enough the misuse is "the accepted standard." Horrifying. I've had arguments with them that the word doesn't mean that and they should use something else. Apparently Engineers are stubborn and would rather use a word incorrectly as a whole because that's what everybody else is using than fix it. I thought it was their job to fix things. Perhaps I'm wrong?
I have read a lot in my life. I love books and there have been times that I devoured them on a regular basis. Because of this much of my vocabulary was learned through reading. I've been accused of constant mispronunciation. Okay, but even if I'm saying it incorrectly, I know I'm using the right term. So, there.
Here's the thing, though: people struggle with what to call me based on my degree. It's true that I'm not a scientist, engineer, doctor, lawyer, athlete, teacher, etc. But I am NOT an "English Major." I was while I was getting my degree, but then I graduated. To continue calling me an English major seems as if I am constantly pursuing a formal education. I realize that there is no official term for a person that completed my program, otherwise you could call me an Englishist or Englisher. Neither of those terms exists (and one sounds like a swear word). So, perhaps you shouldn't refer to my degree as a definition for what I am, because it doesn't work. Please do, however, use the terms "educated" or even the apropos "underemployed." Ha!
I stand corrected! In using the spellcheck option before posting, Englishist was, indeed, not a term, but Englisher apparently is. I went to Dictionary.com and it says that the word means "a person who translates from a foreign language into English." So, yes, I am still learning about this complicated, frustrating, wonderful language. How marvelous!
Sunday, October 21, 2012
Wednesday, October 3, 2012
Inevitable Imperfection
Some people worry that one day, maybe far in the future, maybe next week, that machines might actually take over the world. That movies like I, Robot and The Matrix trilogy are inevitable. You know what I say to that? Phooey! I'm sorry, but have you ever used a computer before? How often has your computer frozen or a program died for no apparent reason? Hmmm. Well, how about the fact that computers and computer programs are created and written by imperfect people? It doesn't matter how many times someone rechecks their work to find a flaw, there will be at least one if not many more. I've seen those jokes based on the premise: What if Microsoft was a car? And Apple has flaws, too. Or didn't you know that they have to sell a new phone every year because if you don't buy a new one with every release your phone will die because it's not that well-made (despite the hype and rabid following).
Feel free to be mad, but it's true. You could even call it planned obsolescence...but in some cases it's just flawed. My mother told me about how the Amish are so good at quilting that they purposely put a "mistake" in each quilt because only Heavenly Father can make something perfect. She was quite impressed with that. I tried not to giggle after she related the story (I can't remember if I was successful--there may have been a sarcastic laugh). Really? They think they're that good? Nowhere in that entire quilt is a flaw they didn't intend? It sounds more like pride than skill to me. But then, I know I'm not perfect.
I also know that no one else currently on Earth is perfect, either. So, imperfect parents raise imperfect children who grow up and have their own children that they also help flaw along in this world. So we should cut our parents some slack if they've tried their hardest to raise us the best way they knew how. For those parents that didn't try their hardest...or didn't ever try...or gave up a long time ago...that's all on them. Feel free to be mad in those types of situations, but you should probably seek therapy so you can stop being mad eventually. I guess that also means that if you make a mistake as a parent you're probably going to have to forgive yourself. And if you have any siblings, it's good to forgive them, too. Often brothers and/or sisters make mistakes or hurt you in ways they didn't intend, or as badly as it happened, or perhaps you were unaware of an issue and you're still getting blow back from it decades later. To my siblings: I'm sorry! Truly! Please forgive me!!!!!! I'm not the same person as when I was 6 or 10 or 14 or 18, so please somehow find a way to let it go. I probably didn't even mean it (hopefully). And I would like to forget it ever happened, but you keep reminding me. Ha ha.
So as the Borg, and now the Observers, say: resistance is futile. Of course, I prefer the Vogon's version: resistance is useless (just because I think they're hilarious). It's true that we can't escape being fallible. However, as in most things we do have a measure of control. I may have many flaws, but I still have a choice on how I deal with them--work at polishing them away through hard work and true change or by making them larger until I shatter from too many fissures and not enough substance. Stasis isn't possible and never has been. I will choose the polishing method. It may be a long and painful process, but I'm hoping the result will be worth it. Shiny!
Feel free to be mad, but it's true. You could even call it planned obsolescence...but in some cases it's just flawed. My mother told me about how the Amish are so good at quilting that they purposely put a "mistake" in each quilt because only Heavenly Father can make something perfect. She was quite impressed with that. I tried not to giggle after she related the story (I can't remember if I was successful--there may have been a sarcastic laugh). Really? They think they're that good? Nowhere in that entire quilt is a flaw they didn't intend? It sounds more like pride than skill to me. But then, I know I'm not perfect.
I also know that no one else currently on Earth is perfect, either. So, imperfect parents raise imperfect children who grow up and have their own children that they also help flaw along in this world. So we should cut our parents some slack if they've tried their hardest to raise us the best way they knew how. For those parents that didn't try their hardest...or didn't ever try...or gave up a long time ago...that's all on them. Feel free to be mad in those types of situations, but you should probably seek therapy so you can stop being mad eventually. I guess that also means that if you make a mistake as a parent you're probably going to have to forgive yourself. And if you have any siblings, it's good to forgive them, too. Often brothers and/or sisters make mistakes or hurt you in ways they didn't intend, or as badly as it happened, or perhaps you were unaware of an issue and you're still getting blow back from it decades later. To my siblings: I'm sorry! Truly! Please forgive me!!!!!! I'm not the same person as when I was 6 or 10 or 14 or 18, so please somehow find a way to let it go. I probably didn't even mean it (hopefully). And I would like to forget it ever happened, but you keep reminding me. Ha ha.
So as the Borg, and now the Observers, say: resistance is futile. Of course, I prefer the Vogon's version: resistance is useless (just because I think they're hilarious). It's true that we can't escape being fallible. However, as in most things we do have a measure of control. I may have many flaws, but I still have a choice on how I deal with them--work at polishing them away through hard work and true change or by making them larger until I shatter from too many fissures and not enough substance. Stasis isn't possible and never has been. I will choose the polishing method. It may be a long and painful process, but I'm hoping the result will be worth it. Shiny!
Wednesday, September 26, 2012
Please stop shattering my illusion of control
I have a working theory that anger is often the emotion we feel after someone has broken the illusion that we were in control. Of anything. Even as I kid I was angry when I didn't get what I wanted, but it's probably because I expected to get it because I thought I had some influence over the outcome. Yeah, that was a control issue, too.
So I'm truly at my happiest when I realize I'm not in control of things. I have some control over my own life...when I'm not at work. I cannot seem to control the outcome of me with other people, though. I'm still single because I have no influence at all on how or what boys think of me. It doesn't matter what I try, so I've stopped trying. I haven't given up, mind you, but I've stopped trying to be someone other than geeky ol' me. I can't pull off glamorous or mysterious. Nerdy, yes. Awkward, check. Lots and lots of friends who are girls who think I'm awesome and wonder why the boys are blind, and how!
I do have a temper. I don't like it one bit and I get angry at myself when I let my emotions get the best of me. It's because I've realized Once Again that I'm not as self-possessed as I'd like to be or even thought I was. Some people just go with the flow and appreciate their life just as it is. I am often unable to achieve that level of zen. I worry a lot. A LOT. My mother taught me that skill and I've kept it up with lots of practice. I'm hoping to get to a point when I'm rusty at it, but it hasn't happened yet.
But back to not being in control at work. I do have my tiny sphere of things-I-can-do-without-being-told-to-do-them, but those duties are in my job description and are expected. But sometimes, sometimes no one who makes the bigger decisions is around and someone else wants an answer ASAP. This is where I have not learned to let go of the decision. I get mad when someone asks me for permission for something and I say "no" because it's against policy, and then they go around me and ask the person who wasn't presently here so they can try to get a "yes." And if they get a "yes" it infuriates me. Because I tried to take control and I really didn't have it and why can't everyone say "no" so they'll stop trying to go above my head? Sigh. Note to self: don't ever make the decision yourself, be vague, and take your time getting back to them. Ha!
It's probably a good thing that I'm in a good place mentally as I write this. If I wrote it during an angry tirade I'd probably come off as petty and peevish. My anger is usually about the "I" of things. I didn't get the part I auditioned for and I think I'm a better actress than the one who did. I thought I was going to marry that boy who decided to choose someone else. I thought I told you "no" and that would be good enough and that you'd trust my judgement with that answer. You are purposely undermining me in front of everyone when you gave me the authority to make these kinds of decisions. "Et cetera, et cetera, et cetera." That's the second time I've quoted that line from Rodgers & Hammerstein's The King and I in a week's time (the 1956 musical with Yul Brynner and Deborah Kerr).
Does anyone else have this issue and anger/control? Is it just me? I can't be *that* unique. Somehow I've got to be just like the rest of humanity....
I have some friends who don't like to make decisions. This used to annoy me to no end when it was "their" turn to choose things like a place to eat or a movie to see. But now instead of being angry when they won't choose a restaurant when it's their turn, I've figured out a solution: offer them the choice of a place and if they can't think of one after a certain amount of time, make the decision yourself. If they felt strongly about anything in particular they should state it up front instead of making us drag it out of them after who knows how long. And if you're annoyed that your friends never let you choose what you want to do, you should make a decision on something BEFORE you get together so your wish can be made known. Okay? I always have a place in mind, but I was trying to be courteous and fair. Don't hate me because you can't assert yourself even when you're asked to, begged to, and/or expected to.
Just so we're clear, I'm not relinquishing all decision-making in my life to achieve a state of happiness, I'm just admitting that even when I make a choice that there's a possibility that it won't end up like I expected. I should have lower expectations...in some aspects of my life. I realized with the last boy I dated that my expectations were too low as far as the male species was concerned. So, higher expectations in the behavior of a guy I might like and lower expectations in general of any outcome whatsoever.
Well, I'll give it a try or three and hope for a better me.
So I'm truly at my happiest when I realize I'm not in control of things. I have some control over my own life...when I'm not at work. I cannot seem to control the outcome of me with other people, though. I'm still single because I have no influence at all on how or what boys think of me. It doesn't matter what I try, so I've stopped trying. I haven't given up, mind you, but I've stopped trying to be someone other than geeky ol' me. I can't pull off glamorous or mysterious. Nerdy, yes. Awkward, check. Lots and lots of friends who are girls who think I'm awesome and wonder why the boys are blind, and how!
I do have a temper. I don't like it one bit and I get angry at myself when I let my emotions get the best of me. It's because I've realized Once Again that I'm not as self-possessed as I'd like to be or even thought I was. Some people just go with the flow and appreciate their life just as it is. I am often unable to achieve that level of zen. I worry a lot. A LOT. My mother taught me that skill and I've kept it up with lots of practice. I'm hoping to get to a point when I'm rusty at it, but it hasn't happened yet.
But back to not being in control at work. I do have my tiny sphere of things-I-can-do-without-being-told-to-do-them, but those duties are in my job description and are expected. But sometimes, sometimes no one who makes the bigger decisions is around and someone else wants an answer ASAP. This is where I have not learned to let go of the decision. I get mad when someone asks me for permission for something and I say "no" because it's against policy, and then they go around me and ask the person who wasn't presently here so they can try to get a "yes." And if they get a "yes" it infuriates me. Because I tried to take control and I really didn't have it and why can't everyone say "no" so they'll stop trying to go above my head? Sigh. Note to self: don't ever make the decision yourself, be vague, and take your time getting back to them. Ha!
It's probably a good thing that I'm in a good place mentally as I write this. If I wrote it during an angry tirade I'd probably come off as petty and peevish. My anger is usually about the "I" of things. I didn't get the part I auditioned for and I think I'm a better actress than the one who did. I thought I was going to marry that boy who decided to choose someone else. I thought I told you "no" and that would be good enough and that you'd trust my judgement with that answer. You are purposely undermining me in front of everyone when you gave me the authority to make these kinds of decisions. "Et cetera, et cetera, et cetera." That's the second time I've quoted that line from Rodgers & Hammerstein's The King and I in a week's time (the 1956 musical with Yul Brynner and Deborah Kerr).
Does anyone else have this issue and anger/control? Is it just me? I can't be *that* unique. Somehow I've got to be just like the rest of humanity....
I have some friends who don't like to make decisions. This used to annoy me to no end when it was "their" turn to choose things like a place to eat or a movie to see. But now instead of being angry when they won't choose a restaurant when it's their turn, I've figured out a solution: offer them the choice of a place and if they can't think of one after a certain amount of time, make the decision yourself. If they felt strongly about anything in particular they should state it up front instead of making us drag it out of them after who knows how long. And if you're annoyed that your friends never let you choose what you want to do, you should make a decision on something BEFORE you get together so your wish can be made known. Okay? I always have a place in mind, but I was trying to be courteous and fair. Don't hate me because you can't assert yourself even when you're asked to, begged to, and/or expected to.
Just so we're clear, I'm not relinquishing all decision-making in my life to achieve a state of happiness, I'm just admitting that even when I make a choice that there's a possibility that it won't end up like I expected. I should have lower expectations...in some aspects of my life. I realized with the last boy I dated that my expectations were too low as far as the male species was concerned. So, higher expectations in the behavior of a guy I might like and lower expectations in general of any outcome whatsoever.
Well, I'll give it a try or three and hope for a better me.
Sunday, September 16, 2012
Why is it not okay to admit what you want?
As children we are trained to ask for what we want politely, though sometimes we'd say "pretty please with sugar on top" while maybe hopping up and down because we want it so much. Just pointing and saying "want" didn't work after age 2. Pointing and grunting was also discouraged.
So, tell me, when did it become not okay to admit that we want things? Why is part of the passage into "adulthood" often not being able to be honest with one another? If I am on a first date at a restaurant, I am NOT ordering a salad. That's not what I want to eat and if you wanted someone who actually wanted to eat salad for dinner you wouldn't have asked me out anyway. It's true that in the past I would have (secretly unhappily) ordered a salad as I heard that it's what you were supposed to do, but it's silly and I'm not doing it anymore. I'm also more self-possessed than I was years ago, so am not really interested in doing everything the way you're supposed to.
I am not allowed to utter the following phrases in a mixed company of singles: I would like to date, I would like to have a boyfriend, I would like to be married one day. Apparently, saying such things out loud is highly scandalous. Once you say anything close to that single men treat you like a pariah and you might as well have leprosy. Don't they also want to date, find someone to date exclusively, and then one day be married? So, why isn't it okay to say it? I didn't say I wanted to marry them in particular, I just would like to be married someday.
Yes, it's true that when I was in kindergarten I chased around a boy during recess and told him that I was going to kiss him. He was very good at running away. Poor thing, I probably scarred him for life. What I did take away from the experience, though, is that I am a coward at making first moves. When I finally caught him and I was in prime kissing position, I freaked out and let him go. I didn't chase him after that. My bluff had been called. It was many, many years after that when I was first kissed.
I think it is problematic of my faith that there are many more single women than men who regularly attend. This means that the men that do go, regardless of wealth or even if they are attractive, are consistently swarmed by women who would like to date them. Why choose just one woman when you can have an unofficial harem at your beck and call? This is to the guys' advantage, however, and they get asked out and have dinners cooked for them and if they do date exclusively and then break up, there's no proper waiting period before they're dating someone else.
I am never one of those girls on the arm of those guys who are dating. I'm more like that funny girl that everyone likes to be around but no one knows why they're still single (because no one is asking me out, genius). That's great that my friends think I'm awesome and they don't know who is good enough to set me up with. Just greeeeaaaaaaaaaaat. Again, I could date if I didn't care who it was or whether they were in my faith or not. But that's not me. Besides, I'd annoy any guy who was only occasionally religious as I am very much so. I'm about as straight-laced as you can get. So, yes, my dating options are limited and the older I get the sparser they become.
I also don't like to compete. So you won't find me joining the hopeful entourage of the very popular guys. I'll be in the fringe flirting heavily with guys who *aren't* being swarmed. This hasn't worked so far. I'll have to work up a new strategy, like being just me, but being emotionally available for whatever may or may not come. And asking my friends to set me up. Or putting up a dating profile on one of those sites. Yep, I think it's about that time.
So, tell me, when did it become not okay to admit that we want things? Why is part of the passage into "adulthood" often not being able to be honest with one another? If I am on a first date at a restaurant, I am NOT ordering a salad. That's not what I want to eat and if you wanted someone who actually wanted to eat salad for dinner you wouldn't have asked me out anyway. It's true that in the past I would have (secretly unhappily) ordered a salad as I heard that it's what you were supposed to do, but it's silly and I'm not doing it anymore. I'm also more self-possessed than I was years ago, so am not really interested in doing everything the way you're supposed to.
I am not allowed to utter the following phrases in a mixed company of singles: I would like to date, I would like to have a boyfriend, I would like to be married one day. Apparently, saying such things out loud is highly scandalous. Once you say anything close to that single men treat you like a pariah and you might as well have leprosy. Don't they also want to date, find someone to date exclusively, and then one day be married? So, why isn't it okay to say it? I didn't say I wanted to marry them in particular, I just would like to be married someday.
Yes, it's true that when I was in kindergarten I chased around a boy during recess and told him that I was going to kiss him. He was very good at running away. Poor thing, I probably scarred him for life. What I did take away from the experience, though, is that I am a coward at making first moves. When I finally caught him and I was in prime kissing position, I freaked out and let him go. I didn't chase him after that. My bluff had been called. It was many, many years after that when I was first kissed.
I think it is problematic of my faith that there are many more single women than men who regularly attend. This means that the men that do go, regardless of wealth or even if they are attractive, are consistently swarmed by women who would like to date them. Why choose just one woman when you can have an unofficial harem at your beck and call? This is to the guys' advantage, however, and they get asked out and have dinners cooked for them and if they do date exclusively and then break up, there's no proper waiting period before they're dating someone else.
I am never one of those girls on the arm of those guys who are dating. I'm more like that funny girl that everyone likes to be around but no one knows why they're still single (because no one is asking me out, genius). That's great that my friends think I'm awesome and they don't know who is good enough to set me up with. Just greeeeaaaaaaaaaaat. Again, I could date if I didn't care who it was or whether they were in my faith or not. But that's not me. Besides, I'd annoy any guy who was only occasionally religious as I am very much so. I'm about as straight-laced as you can get. So, yes, my dating options are limited and the older I get the sparser they become.
I also don't like to compete. So you won't find me joining the hopeful entourage of the very popular guys. I'll be in the fringe flirting heavily with guys who *aren't* being swarmed. This hasn't worked so far. I'll have to work up a new strategy, like being just me, but being emotionally available for whatever may or may not come. And asking my friends to set me up. Or putting up a dating profile on one of those sites. Yep, I think it's about that time.
Thursday, September 6, 2012
Don't Judge Me Because I Was A Scheduled Surgery
My mother has told me the story that around the time of my birth there was a betting pool going around with expectant mothers guessing when their child would be born. As I was a scheduled surgery, my mother felt it would be wrong to participate. I'm assuming that the cesarean section (c-section) was scheduled around 8:00 a.m. as I was born at 8:06 a.m. Again, just guessing. Never been pregnant (haven't had that opportunity). I was the fourth of the five children my mom had by c-section. She couldn't deliver us naturally and, boy, she wanted children!
People will always find something to be prejudiced about. I'm really big on free will. I think everyone has a human right to do what they want...provided that they are well-informed that no matter what they may choose there are consequences to those choices and that they are willing to live with whatever may happen next. For example: I like cakes and cookies. I know that when I eat them too often I will gain weight. I can workout to keep off the pounds from such indulgences, give up eating the sweets, or do something drastic to try to remove the consequence of weight gain, such as surgery. If I decided to get liposuction ONLY because I didn't want to work to lose the weight or prevent the gaining of it in the first place, then that would be irresponsible as there is a chance of death from the surgery. I mean, I might feel like my lungs are going to explode if I run for any length of time, but they won't. My asthma isn't *that* bad. Don't get me wrong, you are allowed to have liposuction just as I am allowed to think it's risky to do so.
So, if you're allowed to do what I deem "extremely weird" by having your childbirth happen in a kiddie pool in your living room and then eat the placenta afterwards, then I should be allowed to have a c-section if necessary, as that will most likely be my outcome of ever getting pregnant. Yesterday I read an article about a non-protest on childbirth (held on Labor Day, no less) which has me very, extremely, frighteningly concerned. Despite the protestations of the website claiming that the people gathering nationally with picket signs wasn't a protest, this only opens the door to judginess. If you are doing your best to educate people on not having voluntary inductions and cesareans, you also run the risk of people judging others on their birthing choices who have chosen differently than you have. Though it may be true that some women want to get out of being pregnant earlier than their due date or their child's own internal clock, it is also true that some of those inductions and c-sections were necessary.
When you don't actually know the history of such a choice, are you sure you can properly look down upon someone who makes it? My mother would never ever have been able to pass any of her children the "normal" way. Surgery was necessary for the first through fifth child for our mutual survival. Due to genetics, there would be a high probability that if my mother couldn't deliver vaginally, then it was likely that the same would happen to any of her daughters. Of my three sisters, only one has not had to have a c-section. Of the one sister who has birthed both ways, her doctor cautioned against a VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean) for her third child as her second had to be removed via c-section for health reasons. Yes, it was for a legitimate emergency. She didn't have the highly risky (for her and her baby) VBAC. All my sisters, as well as their children, are alive and well.
Because my sisters share some of their life stories with me, I know that one had to sit through a very uncomfortable conversation where someone else was sharing their horror story of almost having to have a cesarean as if it were an evil thing, but prayer saved them in the end. Good for you! However, my sister felt diminished from having had to do such a thing as having her children surgically removed, though none of them would be alive if she hadn't. A different sister had to hear how feeding your child formula was irresponsible (actually, not having enough colostrum is also common in my genetics and not supplementing breast milk with formula may have led to my sisters' children starving, but let's not take something like *that* into account).
But people are passionate. They are passionate that others should be just like them. You may have noticed such behavior in politics. Can I just say that I'm soooooooo happy that a) I can't afford cable or satellite, b) digital television by antenna simply doesn't work, and c) watching television over the Internet really cuts down on political blechiness. I don't like muckraking and never have. Stop being not nice to each other (this means even on facebook). I am abstaining from being overtly political online because 1) I have had to sit through many, MANY political discussions where the party I usually align myself with has been thoroughly dissected and insulted by family members that assumed I was part of their political belief system and 2) hating groups of people because of their personal beliefs makes me uncomfortable. So I will do what I always do and vote according to my conscience, which includes learning candidates' political platforms by researching online directly from their websites. If you don't have a website or if your political goals are not clearly stated on them then I am not voting for you. Tres simple, non?
I am already aware that I will have to have surgery during childbirth if I want living children. It would not matter how much I researched other options and alternative birthing methods. It would be irresponsible of me to not have good prenatal care or go to the hospital when it's time. But I may never have to make such a choice as I'm still single and am not going to purposely go the single-parent route. And if I pass along my genetics, then my children will also run the risk of having to have a c-section. So, you see, it could be that there are more cesareans performed in the USA because we have been performing them longer than a lot of other countries and allowing children such as I to live and procreate, therefore passing along the same health issue (this has led to my concern about those who have to use fertility treatments to conceive--will their children be even less fertile--I don't know). So, to recap: child birthing is a miracle no matter how you do it. Don't mistake it for anything other than that. And don't judge me for leaning on modern medicine for my survival. I'm going to do it anyway and I'd rather not have someone trying to make me feel guilty for doing so. That's what consequences are for....
People will always find something to be prejudiced about. I'm really big on free will. I think everyone has a human right to do what they want...provided that they are well-informed that no matter what they may choose there are consequences to those choices and that they are willing to live with whatever may happen next. For example: I like cakes and cookies. I know that when I eat them too often I will gain weight. I can workout to keep off the pounds from such indulgences, give up eating the sweets, or do something drastic to try to remove the consequence of weight gain, such as surgery. If I decided to get liposuction ONLY because I didn't want to work to lose the weight or prevent the gaining of it in the first place, then that would be irresponsible as there is a chance of death from the surgery. I mean, I might feel like my lungs are going to explode if I run for any length of time, but they won't. My asthma isn't *that* bad. Don't get me wrong, you are allowed to have liposuction just as I am allowed to think it's risky to do so.
So, if you're allowed to do what I deem "extremely weird" by having your childbirth happen in a kiddie pool in your living room and then eat the placenta afterwards, then I should be allowed to have a c-section if necessary, as that will most likely be my outcome of ever getting pregnant. Yesterday I read an article about a non-protest on childbirth (held on Labor Day, no less) which has me very, extremely, frighteningly concerned. Despite the protestations of the website claiming that the people gathering nationally with picket signs wasn't a protest, this only opens the door to judginess. If you are doing your best to educate people on not having voluntary inductions and cesareans, you also run the risk of people judging others on their birthing choices who have chosen differently than you have. Though it may be true that some women want to get out of being pregnant earlier than their due date or their child's own internal clock, it is also true that some of those inductions and c-sections were necessary.
When you don't actually know the history of such a choice, are you sure you can properly look down upon someone who makes it? My mother would never ever have been able to pass any of her children the "normal" way. Surgery was necessary for the first through fifth child for our mutual survival. Due to genetics, there would be a high probability that if my mother couldn't deliver vaginally, then it was likely that the same would happen to any of her daughters. Of my three sisters, only one has not had to have a c-section. Of the one sister who has birthed both ways, her doctor cautioned against a VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean) for her third child as her second had to be removed via c-section for health reasons. Yes, it was for a legitimate emergency. She didn't have the highly risky (for her and her baby) VBAC. All my sisters, as well as their children, are alive and well.
Because my sisters share some of their life stories with me, I know that one had to sit through a very uncomfortable conversation where someone else was sharing their horror story of almost having to have a cesarean as if it were an evil thing, but prayer saved them in the end. Good for you! However, my sister felt diminished from having had to do such a thing as having her children surgically removed, though none of them would be alive if she hadn't. A different sister had to hear how feeding your child formula was irresponsible (actually, not having enough colostrum is also common in my genetics and not supplementing breast milk with formula may have led to my sisters' children starving, but let's not take something like *that* into account).
But people are passionate. They are passionate that others should be just like them. You may have noticed such behavior in politics. Can I just say that I'm soooooooo happy that a) I can't afford cable or satellite, b) digital television by antenna simply doesn't work, and c) watching television over the Internet really cuts down on political blechiness. I don't like muckraking and never have. Stop being not nice to each other (this means even on facebook). I am abstaining from being overtly political online because 1) I have had to sit through many, MANY political discussions where the party I usually align myself with has been thoroughly dissected and insulted by family members that assumed I was part of their political belief system and 2) hating groups of people because of their personal beliefs makes me uncomfortable. So I will do what I always do and vote according to my conscience, which includes learning candidates' political platforms by researching online directly from their websites. If you don't have a website or if your political goals are not clearly stated on them then I am not voting for you. Tres simple, non?
I am already aware that I will have to have surgery during childbirth if I want living children. It would not matter how much I researched other options and alternative birthing methods. It would be irresponsible of me to not have good prenatal care or go to the hospital when it's time. But I may never have to make such a choice as I'm still single and am not going to purposely go the single-parent route. And if I pass along my genetics, then my children will also run the risk of having to have a c-section. So, you see, it could be that there are more cesareans performed in the USA because we have been performing them longer than a lot of other countries and allowing children such as I to live and procreate, therefore passing along the same health issue (this has led to my concern about those who have to use fertility treatments to conceive--will their children be even less fertile--I don't know). So, to recap: child birthing is a miracle no matter how you do it. Don't mistake it for anything other than that. And don't judge me for leaning on modern medicine for my survival. I'm going to do it anyway and I'd rather not have someone trying to make me feel guilty for doing so. That's what consequences are for....
Monday, August 27, 2012
Being Cheap Means Never Choosing The Lowest Bidder
For some reason we humans loooooove to believe we're getting a deal. Why else would counterfeit and faux clothing/accessories be such a booming business? Personally, I don't care what the brand is on the clothes I wear as long as it's made well. I really don't like wearing a piece of clothing once or twice and having it shred or tear or, heaven forbid, fall apart the first time it's washed. And I really hate pulling on a pair of of hosiery and getting a run AS I'm putting them on. Stupid hose. I would prefer to pay a little bit more to get good quality. So I prefer tights. They're more expensive because they're thicker and stretchy and last a really long time. Why don't more women wear them? Is it because they get baggy at the ankles? Maybe so, but I get to buy them less and I'm happier with that.
I know that in today's economy a lot of manufacturers have tried to cut back on quality so they can keep the same price. I say that's silly. If the consumer is trying to save pennies on toilet paper by already buying one-ply, manufacturers are just cheating them by making the toilet paper even thinner, therefore forcing people to use more of the product which they will then have to buy more often. The same goes for making the cardboard tube bigger. You're forcing the consumer to buy more anyway, so just make it like you used to and make the price higher (but not unreasonably so). I'd rather you cut back on the packaging budget.
Plastic grocery bags got thinner. I understand the reasoning, but having my grocery bags splitting halfway to my front door and dumping out what I just bought makes me a bit frustrated. Now I will have to go back and consume more and hope that the bagger doesn't overfill those plastic bags (because I left my reusable bags in the house...AGAIN).
There's a saying: you get what you pay for. I wish that were true. I thought I was paying for my favorite frozen dinner, but then you had to add cheaper ingredients, like peanuts, that I don't think should be in the green beans with my glazed chicken. More expensive slivered almonds, sure, but not peanuts. Besides, when did you add nuts at all? Also, several of my fave frozen dinners have added mushrooms as fillers. I love mushrooms, so I'm actually thrilled by that change. But adding wood (cellulose) to food: that's not fiber that I'd ever thought I'd be eating on purpose. Oh, wait, it's NOT on purpose. Who thought THAT was a good idea. Thanks, FDA, for not stopping that.
At the place I work at, I get to live with the result of choosing the lowest bidder. I understand the company has a bottom line, but I have come to believe that you should always throw out the lowest and highest bidder and go for one of the realistic budgets in the mid-range. I've heard Mike Holmes say it time and again on Holmes on Homes. I also heard it twice in Armageddon. Steve Buscemi's character says to Bruce Willis' character, "You know we're sitting on 4,000,000 pounds of fuel, one nuclear weapon, and a thing that has 270,000 moving parts built by the lowest bidder. Makes you feel good, doesn't it?" I also have to add another favorite line: "Back off, you don't know the components!" "The components: American components, Russian components, all made in Taiwan!" Gets me every time. Especially Lev (Peter Stormare in real life) using the wrench to hit the components to get them to work. Hee hee hee.
In the long run, you have to pay more for the cheapest bidder because there are always, ALWAYS, things somebody didn't take into account and you have to shell out more money than if you had gone with the company that thought ahead and already had a good deal built into their bid. Sigh. So, look at the long run, not the short. What's that old adage about if something seems too good to be true? Right? Or are they not teaching that anymore. Pity.
I know that in today's economy a lot of manufacturers have tried to cut back on quality so they can keep the same price. I say that's silly. If the consumer is trying to save pennies on toilet paper by already buying one-ply, manufacturers are just cheating them by making the toilet paper even thinner, therefore forcing people to use more of the product which they will then have to buy more often. The same goes for making the cardboard tube bigger. You're forcing the consumer to buy more anyway, so just make it like you used to and make the price higher (but not unreasonably so). I'd rather you cut back on the packaging budget.
Plastic grocery bags got thinner. I understand the reasoning, but having my grocery bags splitting halfway to my front door and dumping out what I just bought makes me a bit frustrated. Now I will have to go back and consume more and hope that the bagger doesn't overfill those plastic bags (because I left my reusable bags in the house...AGAIN).
There's a saying: you get what you pay for. I wish that were true. I thought I was paying for my favorite frozen dinner, but then you had to add cheaper ingredients, like peanuts, that I don't think should be in the green beans with my glazed chicken. More expensive slivered almonds, sure, but not peanuts. Besides, when did you add nuts at all? Also, several of my fave frozen dinners have added mushrooms as fillers. I love mushrooms, so I'm actually thrilled by that change. But adding wood (cellulose) to food: that's not fiber that I'd ever thought I'd be eating on purpose. Oh, wait, it's NOT on purpose. Who thought THAT was a good idea. Thanks, FDA, for not stopping that.
At the place I work at, I get to live with the result of choosing the lowest bidder. I understand the company has a bottom line, but I have come to believe that you should always throw out the lowest and highest bidder and go for one of the realistic budgets in the mid-range. I've heard Mike Holmes say it time and again on Holmes on Homes. I also heard it twice in Armageddon. Steve Buscemi's character says to Bruce Willis' character, "You know we're sitting on 4,000,000 pounds of fuel, one nuclear weapon, and a thing that has 270,000 moving parts built by the lowest bidder. Makes you feel good, doesn't it?" I also have to add another favorite line: "Back off, you don't know the components!" "The components: American components, Russian components, all made in Taiwan!" Gets me every time. Especially Lev (Peter Stormare in real life) using the wrench to hit the components to get them to work. Hee hee hee.
In the long run, you have to pay more for the cheapest bidder because there are always, ALWAYS, things somebody didn't take into account and you have to shell out more money than if you had gone with the company that thought ahead and already had a good deal built into their bid. Sigh. So, look at the long run, not the short. What's that old adage about if something seems too good to be true? Right? Or are they not teaching that anymore. Pity.
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
Grandparenting: Just Say No
I have some not-so-fond memories of one of my grandfathers. He enjoyed sitting me down and lecturing me on how I was living my life all wrong and that I needed to improve (when I was young and a good-ish child, mind you). I remember one particular instance where I was in view of a large plate glass window and I could envision myself picking up the small ottoman and throwing it through the window at that gorgeous view. I didn't do it. I really wanted to, but I didn't follow through on that fantasy. More than one sibling has reminded me that free advice should go in one ear and out the other, but also to be kind to the person giving it. However, because I have to carefully consider everything that people tell me, I am unable to do the "water off a duck's back" part.
I feel things deeply and don't know how not to. So, when a roommate lectures me on what a horrible person I am, I tend to listen and feel really poorly about myself. After the lecture I go to my room and think. And maybe cry. Do I really do the horrible things the roommate accuses me of or is this just their perception? Are they wrong? Do I need to work on this thing they have issues with? Or am I fine as I am?
This is the same process for my yearly job review (I hate these and believe they are counter-productive and only exist to make you miserable, and I do NOT think they're a "necessary evil"), advice from friends and family, things yelled at me by rude passers-by when I'm trying to lug my groceries into my house, the insults from the panhandlers when I pass them by, though I do have to mention that I laughed internally when someone seriously tried to insult me by calling me a "God-monger" under their breath.
Being raised in a family that had to be Right was a multi-generational issue; hence my grandfather trying to be the family patriarch and insulting me to my core whenever possible. He truly believed he was helping. It was his job, so he thought, to "grandparent" me. But he wasn't my parent. If he thought I was that horrible, he probably should have spoken to my parents about how they were raising me. I don't see that ever going over well, though, so this grandfather took it upon himself to guide me. My parents didn't stop it, as far as I knew. So I felt really guilty when my grandfather died because I loved my other grandfather so much more. My other grandfather just loved me. He just loved all of us. And we knew it. There was no question of his love. He never sat me down to tell me that I should dress differently or always wear my hair up or whatever. He just radiated love.
This is what I wish all grandparents did. So, whenever I hear anyone complaining about their grandchildren and how they're living horrible lives and someone has to do something, I ask them not to lecture and share my experience. Lecturing won't help. And if the parents have been lecturing their children, a generation older really ain't gonna help. If the grandparent is raising that child because of absentee parents, then that's different. They have to stand in that parental role. But don't "grandparent." It's not a thing and it will never be popular in this culture.
Ask yourself: when and if my grandparents lectured me, did it stick? Did I respect them for it? Did I love them more for doing it? If all those answers are "yes," then you'll probably do it anyway. But I'd wait for the grandchildren to come to you for advice because when people ask for advice they are more apt to take it. And if you don't like what's going on with your grandchildren...isn't that a reflection of your own parenting skills in a roundabout kinda way?
As an aunt, I've never been allowed to parent my siblings' children (though I'm sure I tried a few times before I got that well-deserved talking-to and I apologize if I am still perceived as doing it as I really don't mean to). I'd like to stay not-the-parent of other people's children. But I do love discussions and conversations. NOT lectures. And living by example: that's a great one. And loving my siblings' children unconditionally. And giving hugs and telling them I love them no matter what. And embarrassing them by hugging them a ton whenever I see them because I don't see them that often. Love, I believe, is what we should do. Leave lecturing to professors and parents. And it's easier to lecture grandchildren, I think, then to believe that maybe you failed as a parent with your own children.
As for my grandfather that I don't love as much as I'd like: I still sometimes think about that advice, but only on rare occasions like a little over a week ago as I was walking to church. In my head I remembered that when I wear a skirt and blouse they apparently "cut you off in the middle and make you look shorter." Probably, but dresses don't fit me well and I'd rather look like I have a figure, even if it makes me look shorter, than look like I'm wearing a variation of a potato sack. So there. Hmph. Yeah, gotta let. that. go.
A major surprise when I was no longer a young child: my grandfather did love me more than I thought (though he did start saying "I love you" first when saying goodbye on the phone near the end of his life, which was a HUGE accomplishment). When living with a cousin my freshman year of college we discovered that our grandfather would praise us to our cousins, but not to our faces. I would have preferred being praised to my face instead of behind my back. All of us (cousins, too) didn't personally know that he was proud of us.... Well, maybe the cousins that lived nearby. Maybe they knew. But those of us that lived states away? Nope. And for any of my sibs who were directly told he was proud of them, please don't tell me. I don't want to KNOW that he loved you more, even though I may suspect it. Please forever keep me in the dark about that favoritism.
I feel things deeply and don't know how not to. So, when a roommate lectures me on what a horrible person I am, I tend to listen and feel really poorly about myself. After the lecture I go to my room and think. And maybe cry. Do I really do the horrible things the roommate accuses me of or is this just their perception? Are they wrong? Do I need to work on this thing they have issues with? Or am I fine as I am?
This is the same process for my yearly job review (I hate these and believe they are counter-productive and only exist to make you miserable, and I do NOT think they're a "necessary evil"), advice from friends and family, things yelled at me by rude passers-by when I'm trying to lug my groceries into my house, the insults from the panhandlers when I pass them by, though I do have to mention that I laughed internally when someone seriously tried to insult me by calling me a "God-monger" under their breath.
Being raised in a family that had to be Right was a multi-generational issue; hence my grandfather trying to be the family patriarch and insulting me to my core whenever possible. He truly believed he was helping. It was his job, so he thought, to "grandparent" me. But he wasn't my parent. If he thought I was that horrible, he probably should have spoken to my parents about how they were raising me. I don't see that ever going over well, though, so this grandfather took it upon himself to guide me. My parents didn't stop it, as far as I knew. So I felt really guilty when my grandfather died because I loved my other grandfather so much more. My other grandfather just loved me. He just loved all of us. And we knew it. There was no question of his love. He never sat me down to tell me that I should dress differently or always wear my hair up or whatever. He just radiated love.
This is what I wish all grandparents did. So, whenever I hear anyone complaining about their grandchildren and how they're living horrible lives and someone has to do something, I ask them not to lecture and share my experience. Lecturing won't help. And if the parents have been lecturing their children, a generation older really ain't gonna help. If the grandparent is raising that child because of absentee parents, then that's different. They have to stand in that parental role. But don't "grandparent." It's not a thing and it will never be popular in this culture.
Ask yourself: when and if my grandparents lectured me, did it stick? Did I respect them for it? Did I love them more for doing it? If all those answers are "yes," then you'll probably do it anyway. But I'd wait for the grandchildren to come to you for advice because when people ask for advice they are more apt to take it. And if you don't like what's going on with your grandchildren...isn't that a reflection of your own parenting skills in a roundabout kinda way?
As an aunt, I've never been allowed to parent my siblings' children (though I'm sure I tried a few times before I got that well-deserved talking-to and I apologize if I am still perceived as doing it as I really don't mean to). I'd like to stay not-the-parent of other people's children. But I do love discussions and conversations. NOT lectures. And living by example: that's a great one. And loving my siblings' children unconditionally. And giving hugs and telling them I love them no matter what. And embarrassing them by hugging them a ton whenever I see them because I don't see them that often. Love, I believe, is what we should do. Leave lecturing to professors and parents. And it's easier to lecture grandchildren, I think, then to believe that maybe you failed as a parent with your own children.
As for my grandfather that I don't love as much as I'd like: I still sometimes think about that advice, but only on rare occasions like a little over a week ago as I was walking to church. In my head I remembered that when I wear a skirt and blouse they apparently "cut you off in the middle and make you look shorter." Probably, but dresses don't fit me well and I'd rather look like I have a figure, even if it makes me look shorter, than look like I'm wearing a variation of a potato sack. So there. Hmph. Yeah, gotta let. that. go.
A major surprise when I was no longer a young child: my grandfather did love me more than I thought (though he did start saying "I love you" first when saying goodbye on the phone near the end of his life, which was a HUGE accomplishment). When living with a cousin my freshman year of college we discovered that our grandfather would praise us to our cousins, but not to our faces. I would have preferred being praised to my face instead of behind my back. All of us (cousins, too) didn't personally know that he was proud of us.... Well, maybe the cousins that lived nearby. Maybe they knew. But those of us that lived states away? Nope. And for any of my sibs who were directly told he was proud of them, please don't tell me. I don't want to KNOW that he loved you more, even though I may suspect it. Please forever keep me in the dark about that favoritism.
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