For some reason we humans loooooove to believe we're getting a deal. Why else would counterfeit and faux clothing/accessories be such a booming business? Personally, I don't care what the brand is on the clothes I wear as long as it's made well. I really don't like wearing a piece of clothing once or twice and having it shred or tear or, heaven forbid, fall apart the first time it's washed. And I really hate pulling on a pair of of hosiery and getting a run AS I'm putting them on. Stupid hose. I would prefer to pay a little bit more to get good quality. So I prefer tights. They're more expensive because they're thicker and stretchy and last a really long time. Why don't more women wear them? Is it because they get baggy at the ankles? Maybe so, but I get to buy them less and I'm happier with that.
I know that in today's economy a lot of manufacturers have tried to cut back on quality so they can keep the same price. I say that's silly. If the consumer is trying to save pennies on toilet paper by already buying one-ply, manufacturers are just cheating them by making the toilet paper even thinner, therefore forcing people to use more of the product which they will then have to buy more often. The same goes for making the cardboard tube bigger. You're forcing the consumer to buy more anyway, so just make it like you used to and make the price higher (but not unreasonably so). I'd rather you cut back on the packaging budget.
Plastic grocery bags got thinner. I understand the reasoning, but having my grocery bags splitting halfway to my front door and dumping out what I just bought makes me a bit frustrated. Now I will have to go back and consume more and hope that the bagger doesn't overfill those plastic bags (because I left my reusable bags in the house...AGAIN).
There's a saying: you get what you pay for. I wish that were true. I thought I was paying for my favorite frozen dinner, but then you had to add cheaper ingredients, like peanuts, that I don't think should be in the green beans with my glazed chicken. More expensive slivered almonds, sure, but not peanuts. Besides, when did you add nuts at all? Also, several of my fave frozen dinners have added mushrooms as fillers. I love mushrooms, so I'm actually thrilled by that change. But adding wood (cellulose) to food: that's not fiber that I'd ever thought I'd be eating on purpose. Oh, wait, it's NOT on purpose. Who thought THAT was a good idea. Thanks, FDA, for not stopping that.
At the place I work at, I get to live with the result of choosing the lowest bidder. I understand the company has a bottom line, but I have come to believe that you should always throw out the lowest and highest bidder and go for one of the realistic budgets in the mid-range. I've heard Mike Holmes say it time and again on Holmes on Homes. I also heard it twice in Armageddon. Steve Buscemi's character says to Bruce Willis' character, "You know we're sitting on 4,000,000 pounds of fuel, one nuclear weapon, and a thing that has 270,000 moving parts built by the lowest bidder. Makes you feel good, doesn't it?" I also have to add another favorite line: "Back off, you don't know the components!" "The components: American components, Russian components, all made in Taiwan!" Gets me every time. Especially Lev (Peter Stormare in real life) using the wrench to hit the components to get them to work. Hee hee hee.
In the long run, you have to pay more for the cheapest bidder because there are always, ALWAYS, things somebody didn't take into account and you have to shell out more money than if you had gone with the company that thought ahead and already had a good deal built into their bid. Sigh. So, look at the long run, not the short. What's that old adage about if something seems too good to be true? Right? Or are they not teaching that anymore. Pity.
Monday, August 27, 2012
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
Grandparenting: Just Say No
I have some not-so-fond memories of one of my grandfathers. He enjoyed sitting me down and lecturing me on how I was living my life all wrong and that I needed to improve (when I was young and a good-ish child, mind you). I remember one particular instance where I was in view of a large plate glass window and I could envision myself picking up the small ottoman and throwing it through the window at that gorgeous view. I didn't do it. I really wanted to, but I didn't follow through on that fantasy. More than one sibling has reminded me that free advice should go in one ear and out the other, but also to be kind to the person giving it. However, because I have to carefully consider everything that people tell me, I am unable to do the "water off a duck's back" part.
I feel things deeply and don't know how not to. So, when a roommate lectures me on what a horrible person I am, I tend to listen and feel really poorly about myself. After the lecture I go to my room and think. And maybe cry. Do I really do the horrible things the roommate accuses me of or is this just their perception? Are they wrong? Do I need to work on this thing they have issues with? Or am I fine as I am?
This is the same process for my yearly job review (I hate these and believe they are counter-productive and only exist to make you miserable, and I do NOT think they're a "necessary evil"), advice from friends and family, things yelled at me by rude passers-by when I'm trying to lug my groceries into my house, the insults from the panhandlers when I pass them by, though I do have to mention that I laughed internally when someone seriously tried to insult me by calling me a "God-monger" under their breath.
Being raised in a family that had to be Right was a multi-generational issue; hence my grandfather trying to be the family patriarch and insulting me to my core whenever possible. He truly believed he was helping. It was his job, so he thought, to "grandparent" me. But he wasn't my parent. If he thought I was that horrible, he probably should have spoken to my parents about how they were raising me. I don't see that ever going over well, though, so this grandfather took it upon himself to guide me. My parents didn't stop it, as far as I knew. So I felt really guilty when my grandfather died because I loved my other grandfather so much more. My other grandfather just loved me. He just loved all of us. And we knew it. There was no question of his love. He never sat me down to tell me that I should dress differently or always wear my hair up or whatever. He just radiated love.
This is what I wish all grandparents did. So, whenever I hear anyone complaining about their grandchildren and how they're living horrible lives and someone has to do something, I ask them not to lecture and share my experience. Lecturing won't help. And if the parents have been lecturing their children, a generation older really ain't gonna help. If the grandparent is raising that child because of absentee parents, then that's different. They have to stand in that parental role. But don't "grandparent." It's not a thing and it will never be popular in this culture.
Ask yourself: when and if my grandparents lectured me, did it stick? Did I respect them for it? Did I love them more for doing it? If all those answers are "yes," then you'll probably do it anyway. But I'd wait for the grandchildren to come to you for advice because when people ask for advice they are more apt to take it. And if you don't like what's going on with your grandchildren...isn't that a reflection of your own parenting skills in a roundabout kinda way?
As an aunt, I've never been allowed to parent my siblings' children (though I'm sure I tried a few times before I got that well-deserved talking-to and I apologize if I am still perceived as doing it as I really don't mean to). I'd like to stay not-the-parent of other people's children. But I do love discussions and conversations. NOT lectures. And living by example: that's a great one. And loving my siblings' children unconditionally. And giving hugs and telling them I love them no matter what. And embarrassing them by hugging them a ton whenever I see them because I don't see them that often. Love, I believe, is what we should do. Leave lecturing to professors and parents. And it's easier to lecture grandchildren, I think, then to believe that maybe you failed as a parent with your own children.
As for my grandfather that I don't love as much as I'd like: I still sometimes think about that advice, but only on rare occasions like a little over a week ago as I was walking to church. In my head I remembered that when I wear a skirt and blouse they apparently "cut you off in the middle and make you look shorter." Probably, but dresses don't fit me well and I'd rather look like I have a figure, even if it makes me look shorter, than look like I'm wearing a variation of a potato sack. So there. Hmph. Yeah, gotta let. that. go.
A major surprise when I was no longer a young child: my grandfather did love me more than I thought (though he did start saying "I love you" first when saying goodbye on the phone near the end of his life, which was a HUGE accomplishment). When living with a cousin my freshman year of college we discovered that our grandfather would praise us to our cousins, but not to our faces. I would have preferred being praised to my face instead of behind my back. All of us (cousins, too) didn't personally know that he was proud of us.... Well, maybe the cousins that lived nearby. Maybe they knew. But those of us that lived states away? Nope. And for any of my sibs who were directly told he was proud of them, please don't tell me. I don't want to KNOW that he loved you more, even though I may suspect it. Please forever keep me in the dark about that favoritism.
I feel things deeply and don't know how not to. So, when a roommate lectures me on what a horrible person I am, I tend to listen and feel really poorly about myself. After the lecture I go to my room and think. And maybe cry. Do I really do the horrible things the roommate accuses me of or is this just their perception? Are they wrong? Do I need to work on this thing they have issues with? Or am I fine as I am?
This is the same process for my yearly job review (I hate these and believe they are counter-productive and only exist to make you miserable, and I do NOT think they're a "necessary evil"), advice from friends and family, things yelled at me by rude passers-by when I'm trying to lug my groceries into my house, the insults from the panhandlers when I pass them by, though I do have to mention that I laughed internally when someone seriously tried to insult me by calling me a "God-monger" under their breath.
Being raised in a family that had to be Right was a multi-generational issue; hence my grandfather trying to be the family patriarch and insulting me to my core whenever possible. He truly believed he was helping. It was his job, so he thought, to "grandparent" me. But he wasn't my parent. If he thought I was that horrible, he probably should have spoken to my parents about how they were raising me. I don't see that ever going over well, though, so this grandfather took it upon himself to guide me. My parents didn't stop it, as far as I knew. So I felt really guilty when my grandfather died because I loved my other grandfather so much more. My other grandfather just loved me. He just loved all of us. And we knew it. There was no question of his love. He never sat me down to tell me that I should dress differently or always wear my hair up or whatever. He just radiated love.
This is what I wish all grandparents did. So, whenever I hear anyone complaining about their grandchildren and how they're living horrible lives and someone has to do something, I ask them not to lecture and share my experience. Lecturing won't help. And if the parents have been lecturing their children, a generation older really ain't gonna help. If the grandparent is raising that child because of absentee parents, then that's different. They have to stand in that parental role. But don't "grandparent." It's not a thing and it will never be popular in this culture.
Ask yourself: when and if my grandparents lectured me, did it stick? Did I respect them for it? Did I love them more for doing it? If all those answers are "yes," then you'll probably do it anyway. But I'd wait for the grandchildren to come to you for advice because when people ask for advice they are more apt to take it. And if you don't like what's going on with your grandchildren...isn't that a reflection of your own parenting skills in a roundabout kinda way?
As an aunt, I've never been allowed to parent my siblings' children (though I'm sure I tried a few times before I got that well-deserved talking-to and I apologize if I am still perceived as doing it as I really don't mean to). I'd like to stay not-the-parent of other people's children. But I do love discussions and conversations. NOT lectures. And living by example: that's a great one. And loving my siblings' children unconditionally. And giving hugs and telling them I love them no matter what. And embarrassing them by hugging them a ton whenever I see them because I don't see them that often. Love, I believe, is what we should do. Leave lecturing to professors and parents. And it's easier to lecture grandchildren, I think, then to believe that maybe you failed as a parent with your own children.
As for my grandfather that I don't love as much as I'd like: I still sometimes think about that advice, but only on rare occasions like a little over a week ago as I was walking to church. In my head I remembered that when I wear a skirt and blouse they apparently "cut you off in the middle and make you look shorter." Probably, but dresses don't fit me well and I'd rather look like I have a figure, even if it makes me look shorter, than look like I'm wearing a variation of a potato sack. So there. Hmph. Yeah, gotta let. that. go.
A major surprise when I was no longer a young child: my grandfather did love me more than I thought (though he did start saying "I love you" first when saying goodbye on the phone near the end of his life, which was a HUGE accomplishment). When living with a cousin my freshman year of college we discovered that our grandfather would praise us to our cousins, but not to our faces. I would have preferred being praised to my face instead of behind my back. All of us (cousins, too) didn't personally know that he was proud of us.... Well, maybe the cousins that lived nearby. Maybe they knew. But those of us that lived states away? Nope. And for any of my sibs who were directly told he was proud of them, please don't tell me. I don't want to KNOW that he loved you more, even though I may suspect it. Please forever keep me in the dark about that favoritism.
Saturday, August 18, 2012
Don't Be A Lemming: or Mob Mentality Leads To The Extinction Of "The Common Good"
In college I learned that some cultures were shame-based while others could be honor-based. If I remember correctly, shame-based means you don't do things that the majority shuns because you don't want the shame and if you're shameless and do it anyway, you lose all your friends. So then honor-based means that you do what is right to maintain your honor because no one wants to lose that because then you're shunned. The Puritans, I think, started our lovely shame-based society many aeons ago (I think some parts of Asia, and maybe the Klingons, are or were honor-based). But now we seem to be both shameless and baseless. Today, anybody is allowed to do whatever they want whenever they want and there ain't nothin' you can do about it. Apparently laws, shame, common sense, and honor are completely ignored.
Bike riders who switch from vehicle to non-vehicle and back again when it's convenient for them. Hey, people on bikes, when you're on the sidewalk or in the crosswalk, you're supposed to be off your bike and walking beside it, not almost running over pedestrians, taking unfair advantage of your ability to traverse crosswalks to create a shortcut and beat the cars, and For Shame, riding blissfully through red lights as if they don't apply to you. Because you can. It's not right and you should be ashamed. But you're not. And I'm NOT supposed to judge you. So...I find your behavior despicable, especially when my life is in danger due to your lack of kindness towards others. And bikes are not allowed in the house! Or on the elevator next to others dressed in their dry-clean-only office clothes. You are dangerous and just because your motor is human doesn't mean that you or an unsuspecting pedestrian can't get really hurt. And if you accidentally knock over an older lady in your haste to get...somewhere, stop and help her instead of leaving her in the middle of the crosswalk with a broken hip (hoping that someone else will have the time to help her or convincing yourself that a woman in her 80's is probably okay from that brush-by that left her on the ground).
Peeing in public. Fortunately for me, I have never been around when someone does this. I *have* seen, though, that someone or some people like to urinate on the flower boxes outside the office building I work in. You can be partially shielded from the street, I guess. But I have two things to say 1) Ew. and 2) EEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!! I have to step over those darker spots (because they head towards the drain nearby) to get into my building. I also do not enjoy stepping over human excrement just lying there on the sidewalk, or, horror of horrors, the "gift" someone left at the midway level of an escalator. Gross. And WHY?!?! It's possible any of these people were inebriated or otherwise chemically-altered, but that really doesn't make it okay. If you're so drunk or high that you don't know it's not appropriate, well, there are no words. Stop drinking or doing whatever makes you unaware of proper waste evacuation etiquette. If not for your own health, then to prevent the recurrence of the Black Plague that ran as rampant as the human waste that everyone emptied into the streets and gutters. Let's not go back to the Dark Ages. Really bad things happened then. And it was dark...and apparently stinky.
Smoking where it boldly says "No Smoking." I get it. The world has decided that the doctors are right and smoking really is bad for you. Now you can't smoke inside, there are less ashtrays for you to throw your cig in, and, hey, who cares about other people who may have breathing issues who have to walk through your cloud of smoke that's being puffed way too close to a building entrance, right next to the air intake for a building, or anywhere where it clearly states that your smoking habit is not welcome. By the way, open grates may seem very convenient to throw your butt into, but you don't know where it leads...like the electrical vault of the building you work at and enough trash thrown down there can start a fire and damage the building and maybe you'll be liable if they find your DNA on the thrown out butts. Maybe. (Also, grates are not good trash receptacles for your fast food remnants that you can't walk 20 feet to the trash bin to throw away in case you might miss your bus that you can see coming from a mile away.)
Cussing in public. Please stop. Please. It's really not okay and have you ever really thought about what that long string of words really means? You don't make sense. And your mind must always be in the gutter. And it's usually hateful.
So, what happened? Why is it okay to behave badly just because other people are doing it and you aren't alone in (usually) acting foolhardy? I fear that our society is leaning towards a new base: mob-based, that because enough of us act a certain way, then it's okay. It's been slowly creeping into our society for centuries, I guess. Perhaps it's part of the "base" part of human nature, to be out for one's self and to ignore the needs of others. I think we all tend to the selfish sometimes and being nice and good can be hard. It reminds me of that movie Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan when Spock sacrificed himself to save everyone and both he and Kirk say the lines "The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few. Or the one." Come to think of it, I think Gene Roddenberry made Vulcans honor-based, too. Of course Captain/Admiral Kirk had to go save a resurrected Spock in the next movie...but that's beside my point.
Too often we allow the needs of the few to outweigh the needs of the many. You can still love people and be disappointed in their behavior. Isn't that a lot of parenting right there? Again, I'm not a parent, so I'm just guessing. But today it's not even okay to say you're disappointed in someone else's behavior because that's not "right." Well, what you were doing wasn't right and not enough of us are standing up and saying either "for shame" or "you are without honor." Making something legal doesn't make it right, even if a lot of people think it is. And the mindset of wanting it to be right so that you're not doing wrong and being offended at the slightest whiff of someone else not agreeing, well, didn't your mom give you a time-out, spanking, or wash your mouth out with soap for behaving naughtily with no thought for others? And now you're an adult with no authority figure to answer to. Note to self: keep trying to be good, even when it's not popular, even if I know my mom isn't going to fly out and give me a time out. To mothers who follow through with threats of punishment: thank you for teaching us rather than just trying to be our friend. Children need boundaries so they realize when they're adults that those boundaries do exist and are necessary. Society would be better for it. Needs of the many, people. Needs of the many.
Bike riders who switch from vehicle to non-vehicle and back again when it's convenient for them. Hey, people on bikes, when you're on the sidewalk or in the crosswalk, you're supposed to be off your bike and walking beside it, not almost running over pedestrians, taking unfair advantage of your ability to traverse crosswalks to create a shortcut and beat the cars, and For Shame, riding blissfully through red lights as if they don't apply to you. Because you can. It's not right and you should be ashamed. But you're not. And I'm NOT supposed to judge you. So...I find your behavior despicable, especially when my life is in danger due to your lack of kindness towards others. And bikes are not allowed in the house! Or on the elevator next to others dressed in their dry-clean-only office clothes. You are dangerous and just because your motor is human doesn't mean that you or an unsuspecting pedestrian can't get really hurt. And if you accidentally knock over an older lady in your haste to get...somewhere, stop and help her instead of leaving her in the middle of the crosswalk with a broken hip (hoping that someone else will have the time to help her or convincing yourself that a woman in her 80's is probably okay from that brush-by that left her on the ground).
Peeing in public. Fortunately for me, I have never been around when someone does this. I *have* seen, though, that someone or some people like to urinate on the flower boxes outside the office building I work in. You can be partially shielded from the street, I guess. But I have two things to say 1) Ew. and 2) EEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!! I have to step over those darker spots (because they head towards the drain nearby) to get into my building. I also do not enjoy stepping over human excrement just lying there on the sidewalk, or, horror of horrors, the "gift" someone left at the midway level of an escalator. Gross. And WHY?!?! It's possible any of these people were inebriated or otherwise chemically-altered, but that really doesn't make it okay. If you're so drunk or high that you don't know it's not appropriate, well, there are no words. Stop drinking or doing whatever makes you unaware of proper waste evacuation etiquette. If not for your own health, then to prevent the recurrence of the Black Plague that ran as rampant as the human waste that everyone emptied into the streets and gutters. Let's not go back to the Dark Ages. Really bad things happened then. And it was dark...and apparently stinky.
Smoking where it boldly says "No Smoking." I get it. The world has decided that the doctors are right and smoking really is bad for you. Now you can't smoke inside, there are less ashtrays for you to throw your cig in, and, hey, who cares about other people who may have breathing issues who have to walk through your cloud of smoke that's being puffed way too close to a building entrance, right next to the air intake for a building, or anywhere where it clearly states that your smoking habit is not welcome. By the way, open grates may seem very convenient to throw your butt into, but you don't know where it leads...like the electrical vault of the building you work at and enough trash thrown down there can start a fire and damage the building and maybe you'll be liable if they find your DNA on the thrown out butts. Maybe. (Also, grates are not good trash receptacles for your fast food remnants that you can't walk 20 feet to the trash bin to throw away in case you might miss your bus that you can see coming from a mile away.)
Cussing in public. Please stop. Please. It's really not okay and have you ever really thought about what that long string of words really means? You don't make sense. And your mind must always be in the gutter. And it's usually hateful.
So, what happened? Why is it okay to behave badly just because other people are doing it and you aren't alone in (usually) acting foolhardy? I fear that our society is leaning towards a new base: mob-based, that because enough of us act a certain way, then it's okay. It's been slowly creeping into our society for centuries, I guess. Perhaps it's part of the "base" part of human nature, to be out for one's self and to ignore the needs of others. I think we all tend to the selfish sometimes and being nice and good can be hard. It reminds me of that movie Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan when Spock sacrificed himself to save everyone and both he and Kirk say the lines "The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few. Or the one." Come to think of it, I think Gene Roddenberry made Vulcans honor-based, too. Of course Captain/Admiral Kirk had to go save a resurrected Spock in the next movie...but that's beside my point.
Too often we allow the needs of the few to outweigh the needs of the many. You can still love people and be disappointed in their behavior. Isn't that a lot of parenting right there? Again, I'm not a parent, so I'm just guessing. But today it's not even okay to say you're disappointed in someone else's behavior because that's not "right." Well, what you were doing wasn't right and not enough of us are standing up and saying either "for shame" or "you are without honor." Making something legal doesn't make it right, even if a lot of people think it is. And the mindset of wanting it to be right so that you're not doing wrong and being offended at the slightest whiff of someone else not agreeing, well, didn't your mom give you a time-out, spanking, or wash your mouth out with soap for behaving naughtily with no thought for others? And now you're an adult with no authority figure to answer to. Note to self: keep trying to be good, even when it's not popular, even if I know my mom isn't going to fly out and give me a time out. To mothers who follow through with threats of punishment: thank you for teaching us rather than just trying to be our friend. Children need boundaries so they realize when they're adults that those boundaries do exist and are necessary. Society would be better for it. Needs of the many, people. Needs of the many.
Monday, August 13, 2012
Why do men say that they're uncomplicated?
I admit, freely, that women are ultra-complicated. None of us think exactly alike and we all have different motivations for why we do what we do. This makes it hard to generalize that "all women" do this, that, or the other. Gross generalizations about the female psyche aren't true, which is why categorizing women as a whole is nigh to impossible. Your best bet is to try to understand one woman at a time. Also, never assume that any woman is exactly like one you've known before; because it really isn't true and is rather unfair to the current woman you're assuming things about.
I try to be as honest as possible and say what I think and try to say what I mean, though that's really hard sometimes. However, because women have gotten a stereotype over the years of NOT saying what they think, people tend not to believe me. When I say that I'd rather not be group leader, I didn't mean "I'm only saying that I don't want to be the leader because I really want you to show that you like me by picking me, despite my protests." What I meant was "People often choose me to be the leader because I'm good at presenting, but I always tend to be the leader and I'm weary of it and it's someone else's turn."
So I have the impression that I'm simple. But I'm not. I'm sure I'm complicated to others because my motivations are not the same as theirs. So, I've concluded that men think they're simple, but they are also ultra-complicated because their motivations are different from mine. If I flirt, I wouldn't mind being asked out, even if I didn't think it was going to go anywhere. If I avoid you like the plague, I'm not interested. Yet, I've had a few guys happily flirt with me (because, face it, it's fun) that had no intention of ever asking me out. I have also been mistaken (sadly, more than once) when I thought I was on a date, but apparently a guy can ask you out, pick you up, take you to dinner, and pay for you both without considering it a date. What are their criteria based on? I had one guy tell me it was all about his intention whether it was or wasn't a date. Um, could you clue me in and all the other girls you also weren't dating that you weren't dating them? Thank you muchly.
Perhaps I will have to ask next time I'm invited to a dinner for two whether I'm being asked on a date. Do you think that would go over well? I would LOVE for a definitive way to tell if a guy is interested or not. Apparently, "not my Mr. Darcy" doesn't go for women who look like me. So, again, why does he stare? I will do my best to sit where he can't see me, because, really.
Here's my question: can a guy be attracted to a girl they don't usually go for, but, because society says they shouldn't be, they don't realize they are? Anyone follow that logic? I am not a cookie-cutter female. If my hair color isn't "right," when so many blondes come from a bottle, why does hair color even matter? I get the weight thing, I do, but when did thinness become necessary criteria for wife- and motherhood? Women's bodies change and pregnancy usually causes weight gain, so requiring thinness seems shallow, especially when the guy is also physically unfit.
What I would like, but may be a rare find, is a guy whose motivations are more like mine. One who says what he thinks and tries to mean what he says. So flirting would be an indication of interest and asking me out would be even more proof of interest. I think that's the way dating used to be, but maybe that was only in black & white movies, and definitely not so in today's modern, highly confusing and difficult to navigate society.
Another issue I have is that I'm clueless when it comes to boys. Again, because I attempt say what I mean, it's hard for me to discern that you want to put your arm around me when you ask me if I'm cold. To me, you're actually asking if I'm cold. I'd prefer you just put your arm around me. If I don't want you to, believe me, you'll know. I don't know how to play the dating game because none of those coy rules make any sense. Hmmm. Perhaps that's reason 435 of why I'm still single: can't make sense of typical human dating rituals. Would someone please make a proper dating manual that has translations in it? Then I could study entries like these:
"Are you cold?" Translation: I would like to put my arm around you, but I'm too nervous and/or scared to ask you directly, so I'm using this roundabout way for permission in case you say "no" and I can then shrug it off as no big deal.
"I wonder if she'll kiss me at the end of the night." Translation: I'm asking in third person and phrasing it like a joke because I'm nervous and/or scared because I want to kiss you, but I also want to find out if you would like to kiss me, too.
"Have a nice life." Translation: I'm being honest and not stringing you along by saying I'll call, because I'm really not interested and I don't want to lie. Please lose my number as I've have already forgotten yours.
"I'll call you." Translation: I won't call; I just don't want to hurt your feelings right now when you're in front of me, even though, for some reason, I can tell that you're hurt as if you know this is code for "I'm not really going to call."
"Can I get your phone number?" Translation: I'm actually interested in your roommate, but as you are less intimidating I'm going to eventually hurt you by making you believe I'm going to ask you out, but I will ask for someone else when I call. Not you.
"I'm only dating you." Translation: I'm tired of you asking about all the other girls I am deceiving that I go on non-date dates with and so I'm being honest, for the hour during this conversation, that truly, the only girl I'm dating at this moment is you...until tomorrow, and then I will just be dating that girl. Until you and I have another date, and then I'm only dating you non-concurrently as there's no second girl on that date....
I would so buy that book!
I try to be as honest as possible and say what I think and try to say what I mean, though that's really hard sometimes. However, because women have gotten a stereotype over the years of NOT saying what they think, people tend not to believe me. When I say that I'd rather not be group leader, I didn't mean "I'm only saying that I don't want to be the leader because I really want you to show that you like me by picking me, despite my protests." What I meant was "People often choose me to be the leader because I'm good at presenting, but I always tend to be the leader and I'm weary of it and it's someone else's turn."
So I have the impression that I'm simple. But I'm not. I'm sure I'm complicated to others because my motivations are not the same as theirs. So, I've concluded that men think they're simple, but they are also ultra-complicated because their motivations are different from mine. If I flirt, I wouldn't mind being asked out, even if I didn't think it was going to go anywhere. If I avoid you like the plague, I'm not interested. Yet, I've had a few guys happily flirt with me (because, face it, it's fun) that had no intention of ever asking me out. I have also been mistaken (sadly, more than once) when I thought I was on a date, but apparently a guy can ask you out, pick you up, take you to dinner, and pay for you both without considering it a date. What are their criteria based on? I had one guy tell me it was all about his intention whether it was or wasn't a date. Um, could you clue me in and all the other girls you also weren't dating that you weren't dating them? Thank you muchly.
Perhaps I will have to ask next time I'm invited to a dinner for two whether I'm being asked on a date. Do you think that would go over well? I would LOVE for a definitive way to tell if a guy is interested or not. Apparently, "not my Mr. Darcy" doesn't go for women who look like me. So, again, why does he stare? I will do my best to sit where he can't see me, because, really.
Here's my question: can a guy be attracted to a girl they don't usually go for, but, because society says they shouldn't be, they don't realize they are? Anyone follow that logic? I am not a cookie-cutter female. If my hair color isn't "right," when so many blondes come from a bottle, why does hair color even matter? I get the weight thing, I do, but when did thinness become necessary criteria for wife- and motherhood? Women's bodies change and pregnancy usually causes weight gain, so requiring thinness seems shallow, especially when the guy is also physically unfit.
What I would like, but may be a rare find, is a guy whose motivations are more like mine. One who says what he thinks and tries to mean what he says. So flirting would be an indication of interest and asking me out would be even more proof of interest. I think that's the way dating used to be, but maybe that was only in black & white movies, and definitely not so in today's modern, highly confusing and difficult to navigate society.
Another issue I have is that I'm clueless when it comes to boys. Again, because I attempt say what I mean, it's hard for me to discern that you want to put your arm around me when you ask me if I'm cold. To me, you're actually asking if I'm cold. I'd prefer you just put your arm around me. If I don't want you to, believe me, you'll know. I don't know how to play the dating game because none of those coy rules make any sense. Hmmm. Perhaps that's reason 435 of why I'm still single: can't make sense of typical human dating rituals. Would someone please make a proper dating manual that has translations in it? Then I could study entries like these:
"Are you cold?" Translation: I would like to put my arm around you, but I'm too nervous and/or scared to ask you directly, so I'm using this roundabout way for permission in case you say "no" and I can then shrug it off as no big deal.
"I wonder if she'll kiss me at the end of the night." Translation: I'm asking in third person and phrasing it like a joke because I'm nervous and/or scared because I want to kiss you, but I also want to find out if you would like to kiss me, too.
"Have a nice life." Translation: I'm being honest and not stringing you along by saying I'll call, because I'm really not interested and I don't want to lie. Please lose my number as I've have already forgotten yours.
"I'll call you." Translation: I won't call; I just don't want to hurt your feelings right now when you're in front of me, even though, for some reason, I can tell that you're hurt as if you know this is code for "I'm not really going to call."
"Can I get your phone number?" Translation: I'm actually interested in your roommate, but as you are less intimidating I'm going to eventually hurt you by making you believe I'm going to ask you out, but I will ask for someone else when I call. Not you.
"I'm only dating you." Translation: I'm tired of you asking about all the other girls I am deceiving that I go on non-date dates with and so I'm being honest, for the hour during this conversation, that truly, the only girl I'm dating at this moment is you...until tomorrow, and then I will just be dating that girl. Until you and I have another date, and then I'm only dating you non-concurrently as there's no second girl on that date....
I would so buy that book!
Saturday, August 11, 2012
Choosy Beggars Wish For And Then Demand A New Gift Horse
Yes, the title is a mash-up of three different sayings: beggars can't be choosers, if wishes were horses beggars would ride, and don't look a gift horse in the mouth. I had a hard time with the title as it also could have been: If It's Free You Don't Have To Take It, or SERIOUSLY?!? WE WERE TRYING TO BE NICE!!!!!
My company tries to "give back" to our clients at least four times a year, always with food. We order the food and set it up and invite the clients to come and have some. It never fails, though, that one or more people are dissatisfied with what we offer and complain about it. They complain about it in emails, over the phone to our office, and sometimes to others while we're standing very near them whilst serving the food.
It is true that it would be nice if we could take into account everyone's food allergies and/or dietary issues or even that we had more variety, but it's not very plausible as we do not own a restaurant with special menu options. We try to choose food that the majority of people can eat. It's as simple as that.
I try to be kind. Really, I do. I believe I've mentioned this before. Some things set me off, though, and the longer I work with my company, the more certain phrases that so easily trip from the clients' lips immediately make me bristle. If I were something like a cat, porcupine, or skunk they'd immediately know I was irritated and they might back off. There are some people, though, that would keep going with their behavior as they feel they have a right to say what they're feeling, darn the consequences (and then sue because they got scratched, quilled, or sprayed immediately after)! Just because a person has the right to Freedom of Speech does not mean it's okay to say whatever you want because you should ALWAYS be considerate of others. If we all practiced self-restraint and self-censorship there would be less lawsuits and a much happier general population. Truth, y'all! Now I want to cover the whole ignoration of cause and effect, but that should be an entirely different post.
Back to the free food. I'm sorry that you're unhappy that we do not serve the following: sugar-free, gluten-free, your favorite flavor, a different food vendor, something to encourage you to stay on your diet, vegetarian, or something less "icky." Even though you have the right to feel disgusted or indignant about our lack of forethought of providing for your individual tastes among the hundreds of people we are feeding, and even though you have the right to freely state your opinion without getting arrested, please bite your tongue and think twice or even three times about sharing such an opinion with anyone else. Please! Now *I'm* the one who's begging.
And to all the panhandlers who have refused my offer of a $1 McDonald's voucher: you asked for money for food and this is what I offered. If you turn it down a) I won't give you cash instead and b) I probably won't offer anything to you again, either. I can't force you to use the money you receive for the purpose you wrote on your sign, but I can encourage you to use what I give you for the thing you actually asked me for. I don't want to hear you complain about how McDonald's makes you sick. Also, you're begging--so you don't get to choose what I give you, right? Next time I'll offer the voucher to one of the other panhandlers who is excited to have a chance to eat.
I need to learn to be more gracious, as well. I will strive to learn how to take compliments and not discount them. I will be happy that you gave me a gift, even if I will never use it. I will try harder to be tactful, kind, generous, happy, and loving. And instead of wishing for a better world, as wishing doesn't get you anything, I will work at making my piece of it more palatable to both myself and others.
My company tries to "give back" to our clients at least four times a year, always with food. We order the food and set it up and invite the clients to come and have some. It never fails, though, that one or more people are dissatisfied with what we offer and complain about it. They complain about it in emails, over the phone to our office, and sometimes to others while we're standing very near them whilst serving the food.
It is true that it would be nice if we could take into account everyone's food allergies and/or dietary issues or even that we had more variety, but it's not very plausible as we do not own a restaurant with special menu options. We try to choose food that the majority of people can eat. It's as simple as that.
I try to be kind. Really, I do. I believe I've mentioned this before. Some things set me off, though, and the longer I work with my company, the more certain phrases that so easily trip from the clients' lips immediately make me bristle. If I were something like a cat, porcupine, or skunk they'd immediately know I was irritated and they might back off. There are some people, though, that would keep going with their behavior as they feel they have a right to say what they're feeling, darn the consequences (and then sue because they got scratched, quilled, or sprayed immediately after)! Just because a person has the right to Freedom of Speech does not mean it's okay to say whatever you want because you should ALWAYS be considerate of others. If we all practiced self-restraint and self-censorship there would be less lawsuits and a much happier general population. Truth, y'all! Now I want to cover the whole ignoration of cause and effect, but that should be an entirely different post.
Back to the free food. I'm sorry that you're unhappy that we do not serve the following: sugar-free, gluten-free, your favorite flavor, a different food vendor, something to encourage you to stay on your diet, vegetarian, or something less "icky." Even though you have the right to feel disgusted or indignant about our lack of forethought of providing for your individual tastes among the hundreds of people we are feeding, and even though you have the right to freely state your opinion without getting arrested, please bite your tongue and think twice or even three times about sharing such an opinion with anyone else. Please! Now *I'm* the one who's begging.
And to all the panhandlers who have refused my offer of a $1 McDonald's voucher: you asked for money for food and this is what I offered. If you turn it down a) I won't give you cash instead and b) I probably won't offer anything to you again, either. I can't force you to use the money you receive for the purpose you wrote on your sign, but I can encourage you to use what I give you for the thing you actually asked me for. I don't want to hear you complain about how McDonald's makes you sick. Also, you're begging--so you don't get to choose what I give you, right? Next time I'll offer the voucher to one of the other panhandlers who is excited to have a chance to eat.
I need to learn to be more gracious, as well. I will strive to learn how to take compliments and not discount them. I will be happy that you gave me a gift, even if I will never use it. I will try harder to be tactful, kind, generous, happy, and loving. And instead of wishing for a better world, as wishing doesn't get you anything, I will work at making my piece of it more palatable to both myself and others.
Tuesday, August 7, 2012
A Change Was In The Wind
Mostly I don't like change. It's annoying and hardly ever something I would choose for myself. Unfortunately it's also inevitable. As I've gotten older I've discovered that some change is actually good for you and there are rare times that I look forward to it. But not in this case.
I have had the pleasure and privilege to work with a good friend. I wasn't sure how we'd get on in the boss/employee relationship, but I think we handled it rather well. My boss was one of my best friends. Don't get me wrong, this person is STILL one of my best friends, but they no longer manage me on a day-to-day basis.
I'm sad about it and a little heart-broken. I've been asked to write my friend emails because I'm still wanted in their life, too, but I think we're going to have to work at occasionally having lunch to catch up on each other's goings-on. So this change is more sad than annoying. My new boss is actually an old boss that I have worked with before, but I'm going to have to relearn their work style. However, I do not see us catching up on anything more than the "how was your weekend but I'm not actually asking for details" Monday morning question. My new boss is a nice person, though, and I am sure that we will get to that team feeling in the next couple of months.
I knew the change was coming. I was happy where I was and with the people who sat around me, so that was the first clue. And, really, as employee shuffling is something akin to an Olympic sport in my company, it's been nice to have a "stable" office for a few years. And the circumstance that prompted not moving us around has disappeared. And my boss's boss moved out of our office. And then our office changed locations. And then opportunities for promotion came up. I didn't get what I tried for, but my boss got what they interviewed for. So, our office is no longer the tight-knit group that it was. We're more spread out, even in our small office, and the "family" feel is disappearing with each person who leaves.
I will soldier on. Of course I will. Otherwise I will lose my job and I actually enjoy having food in the pantry and clothes on my back. I also find that indoor plumbing and artificial heating/cooling can have a positive affect on my mood at work. But if there was a way that my now old boss could take me with them to their new position, I'd grab that opportunity in a heartbeat! My only comfort, the thing that I'm holding onto, is that this change is necessary and will be a beneficial thing for both of us. How I hate growth and opportunities to mature when it messes up what I want.
Growing pains. That's what I'm feeling right now. The winds of change are dying down and the dust will settle soon. The present will be clear, but isn't the future forever foggy, no matter what you do? Well, then, here's to a future that I shape for myself, for those are the changes I usually look forward to. May we all choose to make the best of our situations, no matter the circumstance. I'll try if you will (and even if you don't).
I have had the pleasure and privilege to work with a good friend. I wasn't sure how we'd get on in the boss/employee relationship, but I think we handled it rather well. My boss was one of my best friends. Don't get me wrong, this person is STILL one of my best friends, but they no longer manage me on a day-to-day basis.
I'm sad about it and a little heart-broken. I've been asked to write my friend emails because I'm still wanted in their life, too, but I think we're going to have to work at occasionally having lunch to catch up on each other's goings-on. So this change is more sad than annoying. My new boss is actually an old boss that I have worked with before, but I'm going to have to relearn their work style. However, I do not see us catching up on anything more than the "how was your weekend but I'm not actually asking for details" Monday morning question. My new boss is a nice person, though, and I am sure that we will get to that team feeling in the next couple of months.
I knew the change was coming. I was happy where I was and with the people who sat around me, so that was the first clue. And, really, as employee shuffling is something akin to an Olympic sport in my company, it's been nice to have a "stable" office for a few years. And the circumstance that prompted not moving us around has disappeared. And my boss's boss moved out of our office. And then our office changed locations. And then opportunities for promotion came up. I didn't get what I tried for, but my boss got what they interviewed for. So, our office is no longer the tight-knit group that it was. We're more spread out, even in our small office, and the "family" feel is disappearing with each person who leaves.
I will soldier on. Of course I will. Otherwise I will lose my job and I actually enjoy having food in the pantry and clothes on my back. I also find that indoor plumbing and artificial heating/cooling can have a positive affect on my mood at work. But if there was a way that my now old boss could take me with them to their new position, I'd grab that opportunity in a heartbeat! My only comfort, the thing that I'm holding onto, is that this change is necessary and will be a beneficial thing for both of us. How I hate growth and opportunities to mature when it messes up what I want.
Growing pains. That's what I'm feeling right now. The winds of change are dying down and the dust will settle soon. The present will be clear, but isn't the future forever foggy, no matter what you do? Well, then, here's to a future that I shape for myself, for those are the changes I usually look forward to. May we all choose to make the best of our situations, no matter the circumstance. I'll try if you will (and even if you don't).
Sunday, August 5, 2012
If you met Mr. Darcy in real life, what would you do?
There is a man of my acquaintance that I call Mr. Darcy. Not to his face, mind you, but in my head and to my friends so he can stay anonymous to them and to keep me from thinking about him in too personal a way. For those of you not familiar with Jane Austen's work or any of the myriad film adaptations of Pride & Prejudice, you must either live somewhere classic English literature isn't taught or you are a "doer" instead of someone who likes to sit on the couch and watch that scene in the Keira Knightley film version where Mr. Darcy is walking across the moor on a misty, moisty morning (if you get the nursery rhyme reference, then maybe your mother also recited archaic verses to you when you were young).
I love that version. Among several differences, Mr. and Mrs. Bennett actually love each other, which seems missing in the classic BBC/Colin Firth version. Colin Firth's version, though long, was the set standard for many a woman for a long time. Bridget Jones's Diary* and it's sequel not only used Pride & Prejudice as it's framework, but Colin Firth's portrayal was the inspiration for Bridget's Mr. Darcy-ish man. It's funny and appropriate that he played the character which was based on his own interpretation of a previous film role.
Matthew Macfadyen's portrayal of Mr. Darcy in the 2007 film was more relatable. It makes sense that Mr. Darcy is awkward socially which is why he missteps so horribly during his first proposal. Yes, he's still proud, but has no idea how to speak to the woman he's grown to love who, unfortunately for him, based her opinion of him on their disastrous first meeting and the lies of a man she thought was honorable.
But back to "not my Mr. Darcy." He's definitely not mine, but he does fit the part: he seems to be shy and perhaps is rather uncomfortable in social situations, as well as being quite serious and learned. He stares at me, though. Honestly and truly, he does. He stares at me during church and I find it odd that no one else seems to really notice this fact. Maybe it has something to do with me not sitting in the same place twice. So others may perceive that he's looking in different areas each week, not putting together the puzzle that I'm in every area he tends to gaze at. I have waited to see if I'm Elizabeth Bennett to his Mr. Darcy, but no such casting has materialized. For all I know, I'm Charlotte, Mary, or Kitty to him. Well, not really to him, but in the script of his life...if he ever compared himself to a figure of classic literature.
Even if he is intrigued by me, I do not believe he will ever ask me out. I find this frustrating. Either he is interested and really shy or he is not interested and really creepy. Why does he stare? Is he trying to figure out if I dye my hair? Do I have bed head? Does my blouse clash with my skirt? And should I stare back and wink? Or do I just blush and quickly avert my gaze when I catch him looking at me -- which I had been doing, but now I do NOT look at him at all. I have made a point to strike up a conversation or five with him, but nothing has happened. So, what would you do if you met Mr. Darcy in real life? If it's all so frustrating, would you bother being patient? Mr. Darcy does turn out to be a wonderful man in the end of the book/movies, despite his flaws. But as a living, breathing human...?
Pardon me, but I have an uncontrollable urge to stick in a movie. At least someone's complicated romantical situation will be resolved in 129 minutes.
*Please note: I have not read the Bridget Jones books and have only seen edited versions of both films. If I'm inaccurate or incorrect, it's not surprising.
I love that version. Among several differences, Mr. and Mrs. Bennett actually love each other, which seems missing in the classic BBC/Colin Firth version. Colin Firth's version, though long, was the set standard for many a woman for a long time. Bridget Jones's Diary* and it's sequel not only used Pride & Prejudice as it's framework, but Colin Firth's portrayal was the inspiration for Bridget's Mr. Darcy-ish man. It's funny and appropriate that he played the character which was based on his own interpretation of a previous film role.
Matthew Macfadyen's portrayal of Mr. Darcy in the 2007 film was more relatable. It makes sense that Mr. Darcy is awkward socially which is why he missteps so horribly during his first proposal. Yes, he's still proud, but has no idea how to speak to the woman he's grown to love who, unfortunately for him, based her opinion of him on their disastrous first meeting and the lies of a man she thought was honorable.
But back to "not my Mr. Darcy." He's definitely not mine, but he does fit the part: he seems to be shy and perhaps is rather uncomfortable in social situations, as well as being quite serious and learned. He stares at me, though. Honestly and truly, he does. He stares at me during church and I find it odd that no one else seems to really notice this fact. Maybe it has something to do with me not sitting in the same place twice. So others may perceive that he's looking in different areas each week, not putting together the puzzle that I'm in every area he tends to gaze at. I have waited to see if I'm Elizabeth Bennett to his Mr. Darcy, but no such casting has materialized. For all I know, I'm Charlotte, Mary, or Kitty to him. Well, not really to him, but in the script of his life...if he ever compared himself to a figure of classic literature.
Even if he is intrigued by me, I do not believe he will ever ask me out. I find this frustrating. Either he is interested and really shy or he is not interested and really creepy. Why does he stare? Is he trying to figure out if I dye my hair? Do I have bed head? Does my blouse clash with my skirt? And should I stare back and wink? Or do I just blush and quickly avert my gaze when I catch him looking at me -- which I had been doing, but now I do NOT look at him at all. I have made a point to strike up a conversation or five with him, but nothing has happened. So, what would you do if you met Mr. Darcy in real life? If it's all so frustrating, would you bother being patient? Mr. Darcy does turn out to be a wonderful man in the end of the book/movies, despite his flaws. But as a living, breathing human...?
Pardon me, but I have an uncontrollable urge to stick in a movie. At least someone's complicated romantical situation will be resolved in 129 minutes.
*Please note: I have not read the Bridget Jones books and have only seen edited versions of both films. If I'm inaccurate or incorrect, it's not surprising.
Saturday, August 4, 2012
Entitlement Is Not Pretty
I believe that we are all members of the human race which makes us all related, in a way. I try to take other people's feelings into account when things get frustrating as it's the only way I can stay patient sometimes. I might get a flash of anger when someone cuts me off on the highway, but then I force myself to think about the fact that they probably had a bad day or didn't even notice that I was there. And as I have accidentally cut people off, there is no way I can feel superior to them.
I know that the United States of America wants everyone to be equal, so we tried to abolish the caste system. You can be born into poverty but die a millionaire and you'll have lived "The American Dream." This is a very noble goal (not the wanting to have money part, but that everyone is equal). However high-minded and goodly-intended this ideal is, human nature seems to win out every time these days. Truth: we have no official royalty. Truth: we have lots of unofficial royalty. It seems that it is natural to feel better about ourselves if we believe we are superior to others. This annoys me to no end.
People like to judge others. Some people feel they have a right to (p.s. unless you're an actual judge or jury at a trial, then, no, you don't). I believe it bothers me mostly because, shockingly, I used to be very talented at judging others. I am ashamed of this past me. I don't like that part of my old life. I still struggle with it sometimes and feel the shame all over again. I am not better than anyone else. I may be different with different skills and knowledge and may actually be better at someTHING, but this does not make me better than someONE.
I am not better than you.
Some people judge me because of the color of my skin or hair, my weight, how I dress, my position at work, my marital status, my accent or lack of one, how much money I make, how I did on the SATs or ACTs, whether I was in Honors or AP anything, what car I drive, my religious convictions, that I mispronounce words I've only read but never heard out loud...you get the picture. There are lots of items on which people choose to judge.
You are not better than me, either.
If you have more education, money, status, whatever it is, it DOES NOT give you a right to treat me or anyone else poorly. You do not have a right to get mad if I don't let you cut to the head of the line. I do not have to answer your emails so quickly because you want something ASAP and you have zero patience. My job title should not be what you use to define me. Maybe I'm brilliant. Maybe this wasn't my first choice of a career, but I'm happy to be employed. Maybe who I work for has never realized what potential I have. And if you've mistaken my love of laughter for ignorance, please note that I fully understand your thinly veiled barbs at my intelligence. I will do my best to treat you kinder than you have treated me, but then I will avoid you like the plague because I don't really like being nice to people who are acting mean and self-important. You remind me of the old me. It's not fun.
How about a new way of thinking, fellow humans? How about we concentrate more on what we're doing and what kind of person we are and leave others to concentrate on what they're doing and what kind of people they are. Sound good? And can we stop this you-don't-think-the-way-I-do-so-I-will-hate-you-now mentality? Let's treat the world's population as family members we love. Maybe then we'd be more respectful of others, boundaries, property, copyrights, tribulations, and all the like. Let's love our neighbors for real. Let's go back to the original Golden Rule of being kind to others as we also want to be treated kindly, okay? Please? I promise that if we all try, and try again when we fail, and keep trying every day, the world will be a much better place. Really. I promise. But if not, I'll do my best not to judge.
I know that the United States of America wants everyone to be equal, so we tried to abolish the caste system. You can be born into poverty but die a millionaire and you'll have lived "The American Dream." This is a very noble goal (not the wanting to have money part, but that everyone is equal). However high-minded and goodly-intended this ideal is, human nature seems to win out every time these days. Truth: we have no official royalty. Truth: we have lots of unofficial royalty. It seems that it is natural to feel better about ourselves if we believe we are superior to others. This annoys me to no end.
People like to judge others. Some people feel they have a right to (p.s. unless you're an actual judge or jury at a trial, then, no, you don't). I believe it bothers me mostly because, shockingly, I used to be very talented at judging others. I am ashamed of this past me. I don't like that part of my old life. I still struggle with it sometimes and feel the shame all over again. I am not better than anyone else. I may be different with different skills and knowledge and may actually be better at someTHING, but this does not make me better than someONE.
I am not better than you.
Some people judge me because of the color of my skin or hair, my weight, how I dress, my position at work, my marital status, my accent or lack of one, how much money I make, how I did on the SATs or ACTs, whether I was in Honors or AP anything, what car I drive, my religious convictions, that I mispronounce words I've only read but never heard out loud...you get the picture. There are lots of items on which people choose to judge.
You are not better than me, either.
If you have more education, money, status, whatever it is, it DOES NOT give you a right to treat me or anyone else poorly. You do not have a right to get mad if I don't let you cut to the head of the line. I do not have to answer your emails so quickly because you want something ASAP and you have zero patience. My job title should not be what you use to define me. Maybe I'm brilliant. Maybe this wasn't my first choice of a career, but I'm happy to be employed. Maybe who I work for has never realized what potential I have. And if you've mistaken my love of laughter for ignorance, please note that I fully understand your thinly veiled barbs at my intelligence. I will do my best to treat you kinder than you have treated me, but then I will avoid you like the plague because I don't really like being nice to people who are acting mean and self-important. You remind me of the old me. It's not fun.
How about a new way of thinking, fellow humans? How about we concentrate more on what we're doing and what kind of person we are and leave others to concentrate on what they're doing and what kind of people they are. Sound good? And can we stop this you-don't-think-the-way-I-do-so-I-will-hate-you-now mentality? Let's treat the world's population as family members we love. Maybe then we'd be more respectful of others, boundaries, property, copyrights, tribulations, and all the like. Let's love our neighbors for real. Let's go back to the original Golden Rule of being kind to others as we also want to be treated kindly, okay? Please? I promise that if we all try, and try again when we fail, and keep trying every day, the world will be a much better place. Really. I promise. But if not, I'll do my best not to judge.
Wednesday, August 1, 2012
Free Advice Can Be Good, But Is Mostly Bad
I know what you're thinking: "But, Dee, your blog has only been advisotic so far." Well, yes, but it's mainly my own thoughts. I am not saying "You, Person X, should go do A, or perhaps B, so you will be happy." I'm just sharing my observations on how things might be better if people were different. Ha!
I have concluded that it DOES NOT MATTER what phase of life you're in, if you're already content with your life, or whether you're even seeking advice, people will volunteer unhelpful things because they CAN. And maybe they love you. Or not. Sometimes they're just buttinskis and you would rather pull out your teeth one by one using the string-on-the-doorknob method than to hear one more bit of advice from them (or the end of the movie they just saw last night that you were planning to see this weekend...but not anymore).
I don't think the advice starts pouring in until about middle school. Let's face it, in grade school our teachers and parents (and maybe siblings) are telling us what to do and we mostly trust their judgement. So, you still got advice, but I don't remember any of my friends saying, "Hey, you should wear knee socks when you wear your corduroy shorts with the penny loafers." They didn't have to say it, because if you liked their style you just copied it, too.
But I do remember comments from middle school like, "You'd be so pretty if you wore makeup." "I am." "Oh." Or in high school: "You should just get drunk and make out with a guy." College: "Boys might like you better if you lost weight and dressed differently." Post college: "You know, my brother's best friend's cousin's dog walker's yoga instructor gives the best advice on how to lose weight, you should start that program where you only eat raw cabbage and carrots. Sure, you might die, but you'd look so great right before then!" And: "You should change everything about yourself." Or the perennial favorite: "Why aren't you married?"
According to boys outside my faith, they have no clue why I'm still single. Within my faith (where I do all my dating) the boys like to tell me: I feel strongly about things, I'm too sexy, I'm just like their sister, I live too far away, and it's unrealistic to think that if a guy likes me that he'll want to rearrange his schedule to spend time with me, et cetera ad nauseum. All they're really saying is "I don't like you like that no matter what you do, nor will I ever." Harsh, boys, harsh. I also notice that you're still single at 45....
But that's the advice I get. My married friends get questions and advice on when to have children, how many, and how to raise them, all without anyone checking to see if they can even have children, want children, or are already on birth control and got pregnant anyway. Besides, child-rearing is a personal issue, and sometimes spanking is the only quick, effective method and more often than not isn't child abuse. Though the child being spanked may feel that way, their perspective is skewed by believing that they weren't being naughty and, therefore, didn't deserve it (but they probably did).
So if you don't want advice on cars, electronics, phone plans, college majors, or career paths, just don't mention that you're investigating such things. If you actually want the advice, that's different, of course. But on the things that are obvious to others, like weight, you can't stop them from trying to change you, because they only think they're helping and it's for your own good. Riiiiiiiiiiiight. When you're done talking I'm going to ask you if you have a disease that makes you speak without your brain engaging. Sigh. If only.
I have concluded that it DOES NOT MATTER what phase of life you're in, if you're already content with your life, or whether you're even seeking advice, people will volunteer unhelpful things because they CAN. And maybe they love you. Or not. Sometimes they're just buttinskis and you would rather pull out your teeth one by one using the string-on-the-doorknob method than to hear one more bit of advice from them (or the end of the movie they just saw last night that you were planning to see this weekend...but not anymore).
I don't think the advice starts pouring in until about middle school. Let's face it, in grade school our teachers and parents (and maybe siblings) are telling us what to do and we mostly trust their judgement. So, you still got advice, but I don't remember any of my friends saying, "Hey, you should wear knee socks when you wear your corduroy shorts with the penny loafers." They didn't have to say it, because if you liked their style you just copied it, too.
But I do remember comments from middle school like, "You'd be so pretty if you wore makeup." "I am." "Oh." Or in high school: "You should just get drunk and make out with a guy." College: "Boys might like you better if you lost weight and dressed differently." Post college: "You know, my brother's best friend's cousin's dog walker's yoga instructor gives the best advice on how to lose weight, you should start that program where you only eat raw cabbage and carrots. Sure, you might die, but you'd look so great right before then!" And: "You should change everything about yourself." Or the perennial favorite: "Why aren't you married?"
According to boys outside my faith, they have no clue why I'm still single. Within my faith (where I do all my dating) the boys like to tell me: I feel strongly about things, I'm too sexy, I'm just like their sister, I live too far away, and it's unrealistic to think that if a guy likes me that he'll want to rearrange his schedule to spend time with me, et cetera ad nauseum. All they're really saying is "I don't like you like that no matter what you do, nor will I ever." Harsh, boys, harsh. I also notice that you're still single at 45....
But that's the advice I get. My married friends get questions and advice on when to have children, how many, and how to raise them, all without anyone checking to see if they can even have children, want children, or are already on birth control and got pregnant anyway. Besides, child-rearing is a personal issue, and sometimes spanking is the only quick, effective method and more often than not isn't child abuse. Though the child being spanked may feel that way, their perspective is skewed by believing that they weren't being naughty and, therefore, didn't deserve it (but they probably did).
So if you don't want advice on cars, electronics, phone plans, college majors, or career paths, just don't mention that you're investigating such things. If you actually want the advice, that's different, of course. But on the things that are obvious to others, like weight, you can't stop them from trying to change you, because they only think they're helping and it's for your own good. Riiiiiiiiiiiight. When you're done talking I'm going to ask you if you have a disease that makes you speak without your brain engaging. Sigh. If only.
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