When I was meeting new people at the very beginning of my freshman year of college, an older guy (what, 21? 22?) told me that there were two types of women: women you date and women you marry. He told me that I was the kind that you marry and I would do well (marriage-wise) at the university. I had no idea what that meant at the time. I think I've finally figured it out. He was wrong about me getting married in my college years, but I think it's because boys raised in today's world view haven't been taught that principle.
There are women who are fun to date, but you don't/shouldn't take home to mom. These are the girls that are super fun, but have no clear plans for settling down and raising a family. However, since you marry who you date, lots of guys are convincing these oh-so-exciting girls to marry them, start a family, and then watch as she walks away leaving the kids with him and going in search of finding herself. It's possible that she would have been the marriageable-type later, but apparently not at the time she actually made the Commitment.
Those other women, the more dependable-type, the ones that are good at commitment and fidelity and respect, etc., these are the ones that most boys I know avoid like they have some type of highly contagious and easily transmitted disease. Those are the ones that are the best type to marry. *Those* girls. Like me, apparently.
Movies and television have decided that what constitutes compatibility is that first meeting of two people. If there's no "spark," if that initial overwhelming attraction (really, just lust) isn't there, then you're not "right" for each other. What baloney! Malarkey, even. You don't even KNOW that person! They could be a psychopath who just happens to be highly physically attractive. Should that mean that because you both desire each other on your very first impression that that is who you should be with? I don't know about you, but I'd like to find out if the guy I'm dating is actually sane before any major decisions are made. I'm not saying I don't get crushes, because I do, but I also realize that the crush is based on a fantasy. Actual romantic-type love may come later, but never initially. Because it can't. Fictional media doesn't usually portray a slow, yet deeply-felt love very often. Pride & Prejudice (or any Jane Austen book/film, for that matter) is an example of the first impression not being indicative of who is best for one another. But most films don't want to take the time to tell a story of people falling in love over a certain number of months, years, or decades. They like to sell the love-at-first-sight bit. It's easier to write and doesn't have to involve much character development. Or depth. Or plot.
I have rediscovered that I don't do well on dating sites. My picture isn't doctored to make me look like a tan, tall, skinny Barbie-type. Therefore, not a lot of guys message me. I got a bite on Christmas Day, though, by a man twenty years my senior. He could almost be my father. I still think it's creepy. I'm not ready for that age-range yet. He'd have to be STELLAR for me to consider it. And his profile said he might want kids. He'd be almost 80 when his child graduated high school if he fathered one now. I realize that Tony Randall had children late in life, but he's passed away leaving a young wife (50 years younger than him) and two young children behind. That is the risk you take by marrying a much older man.
But I digress. I was the only one of my high school friends to go to college out-of-state. I was told by one of my girlfriends during the summer break after our freshman year that the entire gang (sans myself) had gotten together for dinner one night and the subject turned to me at some point. I guess that the guys in my group of friends shared that they ALL had liked me at one time or another. Every. Single. One. Wait, could that be why I'm facebook friends with all the guys, but not all the girls? Hmmmm.
So, that's why I said in a previous post that it's not beyond the realm of possibility that guys could be in love with me and not even know it. I am the type of girl that guys fall for slowly, incrementally, and mayhaps inevitably. But they have to get to know me, first. Running away or refusing to speak to me will not accomplish that part. But if men don't know about that kind of slow-burn love, how would they even know they were experiencing it until it was too late and I was already out of their lives? Would they consider me a possibility to date if there was no immediate spark? Will one of them take the necessary time to woo me until he finally realizes that he couldn't live without me?
I don't know. But I'm sure I'll find out eventually.
Usually hopeful though occasionally frustrated,
Dee
Wednesday, January 8, 2014
Thursday, December 19, 2013
Let It Snow? Sure, just not Saturday morning, please.
Today we got a half snow day. That is that we went to work and halfway through the workday they closed the office. This was good because I'm sick with a cold that I've had since Sunday. I missed work on Monday and Tuesday, dragged myself in on Wednesday (and went to the work Christmas dinner that night where I got my 10-year congratulatory certificate). I needed a nap as soon as I woke up this morning. I'm sure it had nothing to do with waking up around 1:30 a.m. and not getting back to sleep around 4:00 a.m. When you can't breathe because of a stuffy nose and hacking coughs, apparently you can't sleep very well.
So, it's been snowing all day. ALL DAY! And though it was pretty while I was walking home in it, it's not great for freezing overnight and then walking on top of that in the morning. So, let's cross our fingers that I don't slip on the pavement whilst walking to work.
I'm picking up a relative tomorrow evening so they can sleepover and be taken to the airport Saturday morning to fly out for the Christmas holiday. We're expecting more snow Friday night and into Saturday morning. Cross your fingers that my relative will be able to get home! I'd love to have her stay over, but I think her mother would really like to have her home.
Work is still workish. My desk mate is still a little off, but the managers are actually starting to notice...I think. I have successfully rebuffed all offers to spend time with her outside of work. Not to be hurtful, mind you, but because she needs to make friends outside of our office. I have friends outside of our office and it's healthy because then you can occasionally gripe about work to people who have no clue who exactly you're talking about. I also have one friend *in* our tiny office and sometimes it's hard to NOT talk about work while you're at it. Which means other people might walk by and overhear. Not good. Also, when you talk about personal stuff it's on the company's time and that ain't good, either.
My desk mate is getting better generally. She's learning things finally and that's great. But some of the other stuff isn't going to change soon: her gruff manner, her lack of desire of meeting new people, her telling her managers that it's not her job. I remember doing that a couple of times. That's when they pull out the job description and point out the phrase "...and anything else you're asked to do." I loathe that phrase. Technically, they could ask me to do anything, like hop on one foot for an hour, and because they asked I'll have to do it. Where were the lawyers when they wrote that up? What if they ask me to do unethical things like corporate espionage or murdering the competition? Not that they would, mind you, it's just that they *could* that bothers me. Is holding that phrase over my head when I'm assigned something distasteful that a manger is delegating because they don't want to do it, either, a form of indentured servitude? I mean, I can't delegate it to anyone else. And I can like it or lump it. Oh, to have a thriving economy where you have to pay people more and treat them well to keep them. Bad job markets mean that companies can afford to be cheap and cruel (like Ebenezer Scrooge before the ghostly visits) and people will still apply. Shameful, that is.
As for that boy that I'm too old for, we've established that we enjoy spending time with one another and often--well, often for me. However, he isn't technically dating me but is truly dating other girls. I know because he lives his life on instagram, twitter, and facebook. I've seen the hashtags in the facebook posts. Funny, though, that he's all kinds of open about dating all these different girls but doesn't mention me at all when we're doing things together. Maybe it's because I don't have an instagram or twitter account. Or he's ashamed of me. Or doesn't quite know what to do about me. Ha! I don't know what to do about him, either. But right now it's kind of fun. When it stops being fun is a good time to bail, right? Or perhaps I should ask someone who *has* an instagram account to check out pictures there and not just the ones that end up on facebook? I don't know how it all works and please don't explain it. It would just be more things to distract me from doing what I need to be doing. Like writing. And not mooning over the boy. And this way I can't actually cyberstalk him. I don't need to be needy. I just need to be myself and attract the right kind of guy for me.
So, it's been snowing all day. ALL DAY! And though it was pretty while I was walking home in it, it's not great for freezing overnight and then walking on top of that in the morning. So, let's cross our fingers that I don't slip on the pavement whilst walking to work.
I'm picking up a relative tomorrow evening so they can sleepover and be taken to the airport Saturday morning to fly out for the Christmas holiday. We're expecting more snow Friday night and into Saturday morning. Cross your fingers that my relative will be able to get home! I'd love to have her stay over, but I think her mother would really like to have her home.
Work is still workish. My desk mate is still a little off, but the managers are actually starting to notice...I think. I have successfully rebuffed all offers to spend time with her outside of work. Not to be hurtful, mind you, but because she needs to make friends outside of our office. I have friends outside of our office and it's healthy because then you can occasionally gripe about work to people who have no clue who exactly you're talking about. I also have one friend *in* our tiny office and sometimes it's hard to NOT talk about work while you're at it. Which means other people might walk by and overhear. Not good. Also, when you talk about personal stuff it's on the company's time and that ain't good, either.
My desk mate is getting better generally. She's learning things finally and that's great. But some of the other stuff isn't going to change soon: her gruff manner, her lack of desire of meeting new people, her telling her managers that it's not her job. I remember doing that a couple of times. That's when they pull out the job description and point out the phrase "...and anything else you're asked to do." I loathe that phrase. Technically, they could ask me to do anything, like hop on one foot for an hour, and because they asked I'll have to do it. Where were the lawyers when they wrote that up? What if they ask me to do unethical things like corporate espionage or murdering the competition? Not that they would, mind you, it's just that they *could* that bothers me. Is holding that phrase over my head when I'm assigned something distasteful that a manger is delegating because they don't want to do it, either, a form of indentured servitude? I mean, I can't delegate it to anyone else. And I can like it or lump it. Oh, to have a thriving economy where you have to pay people more and treat them well to keep them. Bad job markets mean that companies can afford to be cheap and cruel (like Ebenezer Scrooge before the ghostly visits) and people will still apply. Shameful, that is.
As for that boy that I'm too old for, we've established that we enjoy spending time with one another and often--well, often for me. However, he isn't technically dating me but is truly dating other girls. I know because he lives his life on instagram, twitter, and facebook. I've seen the hashtags in the facebook posts. Funny, though, that he's all kinds of open about dating all these different girls but doesn't mention me at all when we're doing things together. Maybe it's because I don't have an instagram or twitter account. Or he's ashamed of me. Or doesn't quite know what to do about me. Ha! I don't know what to do about him, either. But right now it's kind of fun. When it stops being fun is a good time to bail, right? Or perhaps I should ask someone who *has* an instagram account to check out pictures there and not just the ones that end up on facebook? I don't know how it all works and please don't explain it. It would just be more things to distract me from doing what I need to be doing. Like writing. And not mooning over the boy. And this way I can't actually cyberstalk him. I don't need to be needy. I just need to be myself and attract the right kind of guy for me.
Thursday, December 5, 2013
Icicling: A Non-Fun Way Of Life
My living room is a converted bedroom as the main room you walk into is shaped oddly with an inconvenient doorway and hall, as well as a pretty but-not-allowed-to-use fireplace. I still don't know what to call it: lounge, drawing room, receiving room, foyer (but said the French way so it sounds like foy-yay)?
I felt that the bedroom with the large picture window that looks over a busy street would be...asking for trouble. So, it's now my living room. Pros: my furniture *just* fits. Cons: there are 2 1/2 walls to the outside. This is bad in the summer as it gets very toasty and worse in the winter when it's several degrees colder than my bedroom. I say this because I have to up the temperature while I'm in the living room, but bump it back down an hour or so before I go to bed or the bedroom will be too hot!
I have a feeling that if I actually took this room as my bedroom that I'd have to invest in a canopy bed. I know, you're thinking -- aw, she's a frou-frou girl who will have mosquito netting and ribbons cascading from the canopy frame. No, I'm talking about an actual canopy bed with heavy velvet curtains and a definite top to keep out the draft! Think Ebenezer Scrooge in The Muppet Christmas Carol, Scrooge McDuck in Mickey's Christmas Carol, or Harry Potter's school bed. As for the Christmas Carol references, the people in Christmas Future talk about the bed curtains still being warm. And I'm pretty sure Scrooge was too cheap to buy velvet. Okay, maybe I am, too, but maybe I could try wool? Cotton would be too light and would let cold seep in. I would need something heavy enough to keep the heat inside the small bed area.
There was the loveliest canopy bed available at Target.com for the longest time. It was part of a charming collection that had sweeping angles and reminded me a little of the furniture in Disney's Alice in Wonderland. Unfortunately, I couldn't afford the twin or single bed (it was a girls' collection). Nor could I afford to make the canopy curtains, especially without a sewing machine. It's no longer available, though, so it's no longer an option. Sigh.
Do you think there's such a thing as a canopy couch? The large cold spot which is the picture window is freezing my back right now. I'll have to wrap my feather quilt around my shoulders so I can stop being so chilly.
Anyway, I was not expecting the weather to get so cold so fast. Now I definitely need to buy new tights as the ones from last year are about dead. ...And walking to work in freezing weather is not a favorite hobby of mine. And maybe curtains for my freezing window!!!!!!
And as I always contemplate during this time of year: why do I live where it's so cold?
I felt that the bedroom with the large picture window that looks over a busy street would be...asking for trouble. So, it's now my living room. Pros: my furniture *just* fits. Cons: there are 2 1/2 walls to the outside. This is bad in the summer as it gets very toasty and worse in the winter when it's several degrees colder than my bedroom. I say this because I have to up the temperature while I'm in the living room, but bump it back down an hour or so before I go to bed or the bedroom will be too hot!
I have a feeling that if I actually took this room as my bedroom that I'd have to invest in a canopy bed. I know, you're thinking -- aw, she's a frou-frou girl who will have mosquito netting and ribbons cascading from the canopy frame. No, I'm talking about an actual canopy bed with heavy velvet curtains and a definite top to keep out the draft! Think Ebenezer Scrooge in The Muppet Christmas Carol, Scrooge McDuck in Mickey's Christmas Carol, or Harry Potter's school bed. As for the Christmas Carol references, the people in Christmas Future talk about the bed curtains still being warm. And I'm pretty sure Scrooge was too cheap to buy velvet. Okay, maybe I am, too, but maybe I could try wool? Cotton would be too light and would let cold seep in. I would need something heavy enough to keep the heat inside the small bed area.
There was the loveliest canopy bed available at Target.com for the longest time. It was part of a charming collection that had sweeping angles and reminded me a little of the furniture in Disney's Alice in Wonderland. Unfortunately, I couldn't afford the twin or single bed (it was a girls' collection). Nor could I afford to make the canopy curtains, especially without a sewing machine. It's no longer available, though, so it's no longer an option. Sigh.
Do you think there's such a thing as a canopy couch? The large cold spot which is the picture window is freezing my back right now. I'll have to wrap my feather quilt around my shoulders so I can stop being so chilly.
Anyway, I was not expecting the weather to get so cold so fast. Now I definitely need to buy new tights as the ones from last year are about dead. ...And walking to work in freezing weather is not a favorite hobby of mine. And maybe curtains for my freezing window!!!!!!
And as I always contemplate during this time of year: why do I live where it's so cold?
Wednesday, November 20, 2013
Attitude Adjustment: Check!
So, I wallowed into a pool of misery, woe is me, and self-pity on Sunday. I was a mess. But, I made myself go to another Sunday night lecture. It was all about gaining more hope, even if you're running on empty. Oddly, even though I was still oh, so sad about not getting the things that I want when I want them, the message still sunk in.
Unfortunately, it took another day to process. So I was still sad on Monday. And then that night I thought, "I'm being completely ridiculous and I kind of hate myself right now. What was that advice again?"
I cannot tell you how nice it is to NOT be weeping about a situation in which I have no control. So I've been calm and resilient the last two days...as well as coming down sick with a chest cold. Stupid stress on Sunday and Monday! If only I hadn't had a brief emotional breakdown a few days ago, I might have avoided the sick part. Maybe.
Sometimes, okay, really, all the time, it's frustrating when life does not go the way we hope, wish, pray, plan, and beg for. But for all the self-study I've been doing since high school, as well as I know myself, there's still a difference between Need and Want. I need to eat to survive: true. I need to eat a steak dinner every night to survive: false. I only want a steak dinner, and eating it would help the need, but something less...fattening would be better for daily consumption (don't worry, steak, I'll still eat you--I just have to cut back on how much I see you). I want to go to Hawaii, but I need to pay my rent (and eat; have I mentioned eating?).
I want a good man to share my life with, but I don't actually need one. I really, truly want one for my very own and I'll pat him and love him and call him George. Well, only if his name is George. I really want someone else to take out the trash, drive, cook, clean, etc. sometimes so it's not just me (I'm not abdicating from life, I just want help). And I'm tired of going stag or "doe" to things and I no longer want to invite female friends to my "plus one" invitations. I also like to be held and I would love to cuddle in someone's arms and let some of that stress just fade away. Of course, these are the yearnings of a woman who is still very inexperienced in romance and dating. For all the dating I've done, the long-term "relationships" I've had were really nothing more than a string of great first and second dates. Even on the 25th date, nothing ever really happened.
I am not good at boy cues. I've mentioned that before. Here's what went through my brain on Sunday when I saw my friend I'm not to have a crush on: There he is! When he said he wanted to be friends did he really mean it? What if he only meant that so I wouldn't be on my guard? Oh, hey, he's sitting in view of me...again. But he's left a space next to him this time. Should I sit there? But he said he only wanted to be friends and if I sit there people will think we're dating. But I do want to date him...and sit there. Is he expecting me to sit there? I did the only thing I could think of: I sat on the complete opposite side of the room where *I* couldn't see him. Then I could stick to the plan of being his friend. And then was miserable about how confused I am.
I try to take people at their word. If you think about it, we tend to view the world through the filter of who *we* are. If I believe the words people tell me, it's only indicative that I mean the words that I say to others. This makes it hard to play the Game of Dating. Whenever I try to understand the rules, I realize that I know nothing about any of them. I have yet to find an accurate rulebook. And I freak out when I don't know what's truly expected of me. So, having not really gotten past the first and second date syndrome, I don't know *what* I'd do if a boy wanted to take me on an authentic third and fourth and fifth and so on date. It took me years to figure out how to have a school friend for more than one school year. I have no idea how to behave in a way that is endearing and adorable without ending up in the surrogate sister role.
But sometime, somewhere, there is a man who will not put me in that sister role and will want me to share his life. I'd like to think that I need that companionship, but, really, I only want it. Badly. But wanting doesn't make things happen. I need to calm down around men I like so I'm not acting like a freakish 12-yr-old girl with her first major crush. And maybe then they'll stop running. Or I may stop pushing them away, too. I still don't know how to do that, either.
But it's okay. I'm alright. If not this guy, another. Or if not now, maybe later. Unless he really was giving me a "signal" to sit by him. And then maybe I've lost out on the chance with this one. But if he wants me he's going to have to figure out how to tell me in actual words that he'd like to date me. Um, and actually do something, like work out ways to spend time with me. And hold my hand. And go in for the kiss without asking for it first. Is there such a man? I HOPE so!
Unfortunately, it took another day to process. So I was still sad on Monday. And then that night I thought, "I'm being completely ridiculous and I kind of hate myself right now. What was that advice again?"
I cannot tell you how nice it is to NOT be weeping about a situation in which I have no control. So I've been calm and resilient the last two days...as well as coming down sick with a chest cold. Stupid stress on Sunday and Monday! If only I hadn't had a brief emotional breakdown a few days ago, I might have avoided the sick part. Maybe.
Sometimes, okay, really, all the time, it's frustrating when life does not go the way we hope, wish, pray, plan, and beg for. But for all the self-study I've been doing since high school, as well as I know myself, there's still a difference between Need and Want. I need to eat to survive: true. I need to eat a steak dinner every night to survive: false. I only want a steak dinner, and eating it would help the need, but something less...fattening would be better for daily consumption (don't worry, steak, I'll still eat you--I just have to cut back on how much I see you). I want to go to Hawaii, but I need to pay my rent (and eat; have I mentioned eating?).
I want a good man to share my life with, but I don't actually need one. I really, truly want one for my very own and I'll pat him and love him and call him George. Well, only if his name is George. I really want someone else to take out the trash, drive, cook, clean, etc. sometimes so it's not just me (I'm not abdicating from life, I just want help). And I'm tired of going stag or "doe" to things and I no longer want to invite female friends to my "plus one" invitations. I also like to be held and I would love to cuddle in someone's arms and let some of that stress just fade away. Of course, these are the yearnings of a woman who is still very inexperienced in romance and dating. For all the dating I've done, the long-term "relationships" I've had were really nothing more than a string of great first and second dates. Even on the 25th date, nothing ever really happened.
I am not good at boy cues. I've mentioned that before. Here's what went through my brain on Sunday when I saw my friend I'm not to have a crush on: There he is! When he said he wanted to be friends did he really mean it? What if he only meant that so I wouldn't be on my guard? Oh, hey, he's sitting in view of me...again. But he's left a space next to him this time. Should I sit there? But he said he only wanted to be friends and if I sit there people will think we're dating. But I do want to date him...and sit there. Is he expecting me to sit there? I did the only thing I could think of: I sat on the complete opposite side of the room where *I* couldn't see him. Then I could stick to the plan of being his friend. And then was miserable about how confused I am.
I try to take people at their word. If you think about it, we tend to view the world through the filter of who *we* are. If I believe the words people tell me, it's only indicative that I mean the words that I say to others. This makes it hard to play the Game of Dating. Whenever I try to understand the rules, I realize that I know nothing about any of them. I have yet to find an accurate rulebook. And I freak out when I don't know what's truly expected of me. So, having not really gotten past the first and second date syndrome, I don't know *what* I'd do if a boy wanted to take me on an authentic third and fourth and fifth and so on date. It took me years to figure out how to have a school friend for more than one school year. I have no idea how to behave in a way that is endearing and adorable without ending up in the surrogate sister role.
But sometime, somewhere, there is a man who will not put me in that sister role and will want me to share his life. I'd like to think that I need that companionship, but, really, I only want it. Badly. But wanting doesn't make things happen. I need to calm down around men I like so I'm not acting like a freakish 12-yr-old girl with her first major crush. And maybe then they'll stop running. Or I may stop pushing them away, too. I still don't know how to do that, either.
But it's okay. I'm alright. If not this guy, another. Or if not now, maybe later. Unless he really was giving me a "signal" to sit by him. And then maybe I've lost out on the chance with this one. But if he wants me he's going to have to figure out how to tell me in actual words that he'd like to date me. Um, and actually do something, like work out ways to spend time with me. And hold my hand. And go in for the kiss without asking for it first. Is there such a man? I HOPE so!
Monday, November 4, 2013
You can't really MAKE someone love you
News flash: the only person I have control over is myself, and even that's questionable sometimes. So, I've met a new friend...who happens to be male. He, like myself, looks young. So I thought he was in his late twenties. But when he told me he was in his early thirties, twice, I knew he was fishing for my age. When I thought he was in his twenties I was not interested "in that way," and I knew I was definitely too old for him. Finding out that he was about five years older than I thought, I felt it was possible that I wouldn't mind going out with him, but that I might be beyond the range of what's comfortable for *him.* As I've gone out with someone twelve years younger before, eight years didn't seem impossible to me.
Ha.
So, we went on a non-date date thing, which, fortunately, I knew what it was beforehand. He politely asked me my age (though boys should never ask this). And I knew that by telling him the truth that the jig was up and he would lose all interest. Some people might suggest that I change the subject, refuse to answer, or just lie. That's not me. So I told him. He thought I was only three years older, which maybe he would have been able to handle (he's more comfortable dating down than up), but eight years might as well have been twenty.
So, even though we are probably highly compatible and apparently "cute" together, it doesn't matter one iota, whit, or at all. He's taken me out of the running. So, I'm fine being friends until one of us starts dating someone. There's an expiration date on this friendship and that's as it should be.
I haven't told my family about this because there's been nothing to tell. But now I have to. I went to a religious (yet funny) lecture last night and we went together for convenience' sake. Next time we'll invite more people so it doesn't look like we're a couple. But someone who's known me for almost all my life saw us. And she saw me acting as a friend. So before she left she felt the need to whisper in my ear--in front of him, I might add--that I need to go after this one. So I shook my head and said no. Then she felt the need to whisper again that we were adorable together and why don't I go for it? I shook my head again and said I'd tell her later. And what should I tell her? I'm too ancient for the young whippersnapper? That he'd be more comfortable dating my nieces than me? And as she might ask someone in my family about the boy, I thought I might mention it.
And why does anyone think I have any control whatsoever of another person's feelings? When you take physical intimacy out of the picture then seduction is kind of ridiculous and out of the question. So, then what? I can't manipulate him into liking me. First, it would be wrong to trick someone into dating me. Second, I wouldn't even begin to know how to do that. Third, even after all that he still wouldn't love me, not really. And I want a husband who consciously chooses me over all other women. I do not like being a backup plan. It's rather humiliating. I'm only good enough for you if you can't find anyone else to marry you, first? Gag me. And no way is that EVER happening.
For those of you that think I am being his friend for the sake of hoping he might like me in the future: well, I'm doing my best to squelch those feelings (because it's hard not to have them, no matter how futile they are). It's true that I have a slight infatuation, but I also know that my attraction is based more on who I think he might be or the potential of what he may become more so than who he actually is. Because I don't know him very well, yet. And it's silly to pine after a guy who is merely being nice and isn't encouraging me at all romantically. So I'm beating myself up about it and doing my best to keep thinking of him as Friend Only instead of Friend With Potential. It's working. I have a handle on it. But it takes self-control. And believing my head over my fall-for-anyone-nice heart.
So, here's a tip: don't ask the GIRL why she doesn't go for it--ask the boy. He has more control over who he ends up with than the girl does. It's not "fair," but what in life is? Feel free to tell him I'm a total catch and don't let me slip away or that we look cute together. I'd rather he be annoyed than me, anyway.
Ha.
So, we went on a non-date date thing, which, fortunately, I knew what it was beforehand. He politely asked me my age (though boys should never ask this). And I knew that by telling him the truth that the jig was up and he would lose all interest. Some people might suggest that I change the subject, refuse to answer, or just lie. That's not me. So I told him. He thought I was only three years older, which maybe he would have been able to handle (he's more comfortable dating down than up), but eight years might as well have been twenty.
So, even though we are probably highly compatible and apparently "cute" together, it doesn't matter one iota, whit, or at all. He's taken me out of the running. So, I'm fine being friends until one of us starts dating someone. There's an expiration date on this friendship and that's as it should be.
I haven't told my family about this because there's been nothing to tell. But now I have to. I went to a religious (yet funny) lecture last night and we went together for convenience' sake. Next time we'll invite more people so it doesn't look like we're a couple. But someone who's known me for almost all my life saw us. And she saw me acting as a friend. So before she left she felt the need to whisper in my ear--in front of him, I might add--that I need to go after this one. So I shook my head and said no. Then she felt the need to whisper again that we were adorable together and why don't I go for it? I shook my head again and said I'd tell her later. And what should I tell her? I'm too ancient for the young whippersnapper? That he'd be more comfortable dating my nieces than me? And as she might ask someone in my family about the boy, I thought I might mention it.
And why does anyone think I have any control whatsoever of another person's feelings? When you take physical intimacy out of the picture then seduction is kind of ridiculous and out of the question. So, then what? I can't manipulate him into liking me. First, it would be wrong to trick someone into dating me. Second, I wouldn't even begin to know how to do that. Third, even after all that he still wouldn't love me, not really. And I want a husband who consciously chooses me over all other women. I do not like being a backup plan. It's rather humiliating. I'm only good enough for you if you can't find anyone else to marry you, first? Gag me. And no way is that EVER happening.
For those of you that think I am being his friend for the sake of hoping he might like me in the future: well, I'm doing my best to squelch those feelings (because it's hard not to have them, no matter how futile they are). It's true that I have a slight infatuation, but I also know that my attraction is based more on who I think he might be or the potential of what he may become more so than who he actually is. Because I don't know him very well, yet. And it's silly to pine after a guy who is merely being nice and isn't encouraging me at all romantically. So I'm beating myself up about it and doing my best to keep thinking of him as Friend Only instead of Friend With Potential. It's working. I have a handle on it. But it takes self-control. And believing my head over my fall-for-anyone-nice heart.
So, here's a tip: don't ask the GIRL why she doesn't go for it--ask the boy. He has more control over who he ends up with than the girl does. It's not "fair," but what in life is? Feel free to tell him I'm a total catch and don't let me slip away or that we look cute together. I'd rather he be annoyed than me, anyway.
Saturday, October 19, 2013
Portrait of Dee
I love to support my friends in their artistic endeavors. There's a girl I worked with who just quit to do photography full-time. And I recently met a boy who left his 8-5 job awhile ago also to pursue photography. I admire their bravery. I believe I've mentioned before that I didn't want to be a starving artist. It's true. But I *have* had to learn to live simply. Assistants don't make much. Especially artistic-type gals who used to have mini temper fits at work that haunt them for the rest of their non-move-uppable-careers.
I don't know about you, but I'm not always comfortable getting my picture taken. I'm larger than when I graduated high school and in my head I'm thinner than what I look like on film. But having joined a dating website and getting NO hits whatsoever, I felt I needed professional help of the photographic kind. So, I asked my former co-worker to take some photos for me. She is so nice! Really, she was great to work with. And she brought along a mutual friend who kept me laughing throughout the shoot. It's hard when you're self-conscious about how you look to others. I cried a little before we started taking pictures. What if the pictures don't attract any guys? What if my parents don't like any of them (since I was also trying to get pictures to send to family for Christmas [so, family, pick a pose and a size and I'll happily get something printed for you])? What if I break the camera? What if I don't photograph well? Or look like a beached whale?
I have a vivid imagination and it can get away from me. Great for thinking up story ideas...horrible for thinking about real life. And, really, the worst thing that happened during the shoot was a bee sting--which I wasn't allergic to. It's just itched for a few days. I posted a sampling of my new pictures online and tons of my friends have commented on them and how much they like them. It's rather overwhelming. But, I think, that people don't always go get their pictures taken when they're single, or even just being overweight might make them think twice before purposely presenting themselves in front of a lens. Taking a portrait of a family of one isn't always done. Sure, there are head shots, but that's for professional reasons. Or maybe you could be in love with the way you look and need pictures of yourself everywhere. However, I felt that I wanted some pictures that represented me, or the me that my family sees. If they want a picture, that is. Again, do you hang up pictures of your single sibs? But maybe we should? Perhaps I should ask my brother if he'll get *his* picture taken so we can trade for Christmas.
No matter what the outcome, though, of posting my new photos on the dating website, I have supported a friend with their dream. And I will recommend her to others because she's awesome (even if portraits isn't her main interest). She has a great eye and even made ME look good. I said it was the camera (when I really meant photographer). She said it was me. She's so sweet!!!!! So, L and R, thank you for the fabulous experience on Wednesday. I need to hang out with you gals more often!
I don't know about you, but I'm not always comfortable getting my picture taken. I'm larger than when I graduated high school and in my head I'm thinner than what I look like on film. But having joined a dating website and getting NO hits whatsoever, I felt I needed professional help of the photographic kind. So, I asked my former co-worker to take some photos for me. She is so nice! Really, she was great to work with. And she brought along a mutual friend who kept me laughing throughout the shoot. It's hard when you're self-conscious about how you look to others. I cried a little before we started taking pictures. What if the pictures don't attract any guys? What if my parents don't like any of them (since I was also trying to get pictures to send to family for Christmas [so, family, pick a pose and a size and I'll happily get something printed for you])? What if I break the camera? What if I don't photograph well? Or look like a beached whale?
I have a vivid imagination and it can get away from me. Great for thinking up story ideas...horrible for thinking about real life. And, really, the worst thing that happened during the shoot was a bee sting--which I wasn't allergic to. It's just itched for a few days. I posted a sampling of my new pictures online and tons of my friends have commented on them and how much they like them. It's rather overwhelming. But, I think, that people don't always go get their pictures taken when they're single, or even just being overweight might make them think twice before purposely presenting themselves in front of a lens. Taking a portrait of a family of one isn't always done. Sure, there are head shots, but that's for professional reasons. Or maybe you could be in love with the way you look and need pictures of yourself everywhere. However, I felt that I wanted some pictures that represented me, or the me that my family sees. If they want a picture, that is. Again, do you hang up pictures of your single sibs? But maybe we should? Perhaps I should ask my brother if he'll get *his* picture taken so we can trade for Christmas.
No matter what the outcome, though, of posting my new photos on the dating website, I have supported a friend with their dream. And I will recommend her to others because she's awesome (even if portraits isn't her main interest). She has a great eye and even made ME look good. I said it was the camera (when I really meant photographer). She said it was me. She's so sweet!!!!! So, L and R, thank you for the fabulous experience on Wednesday. I need to hang out with you gals more often!
Friday, October 4, 2013
Tired of Being "Strong"
I'm weary.
After the un-shocking removal of my coworker last week, I knew I could get through having to deal with both mine and her clients because a very capable and fabulous friend and coworker who had been absent for some time was back on the job. There was an end in site, with hopefully a better new employee on the horizon (which I know will take awhile, no matter how much they say they're going to be quick about it). But, then the shock came. A week to the day of the last termination, the other coworker was let go. I was her backup, too. So, many people at work know that I'm burdened with a lion's share of work. There are others only aware of just one of the two terminations. And at least one person who does know about both and is still completely unsympathetic. I shouldn't be surprised.
I'm only doing the basics.
The clients, however, don't see it as one person doing more work, they see that I'm the new helper person who has all the time in the world to deal with their issues and can't see why I'm taking longer and longer to respond to "reasonable" requests.
Work might be scared that I might leave, as I have some of the only working knowledge on one major system.
These were the hardest three days in a long time. One coworker bought me cookies. Others have been checking on me on the phone and by email.
I'm really tired now. Before, when there was hope of help from the other admin, I was fine. But now. Now I really am doing the work of three people. And poorly. And I have no clue how "long" the process will be to find two new people. And once they're hired, I'm sure I will be the one training both of them.
They hired someone recently to fill a position deemed unneeded after a termination over a year ago. Someone was finally able to convince them the position was actually necessary. I showed her today a portion of my job that her boss thinks would be good to know so she can help. It's a very complicated and convoluted program. Her eyes were wide after I demonstrated what we have to do to get the results we want. She said there was a large amount of knowledge in my brain.
I really don't know how long I can do this and still stay sane.
I would really appreciate it if work didn't have so much faith in and high expectations of me. I'm pretty sure they have TOO much confidence in my abilities. Can I get through this without becoming completely broken?
The admin I will miss, however, is taking a positive view of her situation. Because, seriously, she doesn't have to work in our highly dysfunctional environment anymore. Is it bad if you wish you were fired, too?
After the un-shocking removal of my coworker last week, I knew I could get through having to deal with both mine and her clients because a very capable and fabulous friend and coworker who had been absent for some time was back on the job. There was an end in site, with hopefully a better new employee on the horizon (which I know will take awhile, no matter how much they say they're going to be quick about it). But, then the shock came. A week to the day of the last termination, the other coworker was let go. I was her backup, too. So, many people at work know that I'm burdened with a lion's share of work. There are others only aware of just one of the two terminations. And at least one person who does know about both and is still completely unsympathetic. I shouldn't be surprised.
I'm only doing the basics.
The clients, however, don't see it as one person doing more work, they see that I'm the new helper person who has all the time in the world to deal with their issues and can't see why I'm taking longer and longer to respond to "reasonable" requests.
Work might be scared that I might leave, as I have some of the only working knowledge on one major system.
These were the hardest three days in a long time. One coworker bought me cookies. Others have been checking on me on the phone and by email.
I'm really tired now. Before, when there was hope of help from the other admin, I was fine. But now. Now I really am doing the work of three people. And poorly. And I have no clue how "long" the process will be to find two new people. And once they're hired, I'm sure I will be the one training both of them.
They hired someone recently to fill a position deemed unneeded after a termination over a year ago. Someone was finally able to convince them the position was actually necessary. I showed her today a portion of my job that her boss thinks would be good to know so she can help. It's a very complicated and convoluted program. Her eyes were wide after I demonstrated what we have to do to get the results we want. She said there was a large amount of knowledge in my brain.
I really don't know how long I can do this and still stay sane.
I would really appreciate it if work didn't have so much faith in and high expectations of me. I'm pretty sure they have TOO much confidence in my abilities. Can I get through this without becoming completely broken?
The admin I will miss, however, is taking a positive view of her situation. Because, seriously, she doesn't have to work in our highly dysfunctional environment anymore. Is it bad if you wish you were fired, too?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)