Thanksgiving has come and gone and I've not yet acknowledged what I'm thankful for. There are a lot of things that I think are just peachy and I believe I'd like to share.
First, I'm thankful that sister numero uno let me invite myself to her place for the holiday weekend. It helped that I brought her second child with me on the drive. However, even if said child wasn't nearby where I live, my sister would have let me come, anyway. If I didn't bring her child, though, there may not have been an acceptance (but I would never have abandoned her child in favor of my own needs--you just don't do that).
Second, I'm thankful for being employed. Since I opted out of being a starving artist for being a fed human being who does not a) permanently live with their parents (SHUDDER) and b) living on friends' and family's couches until my welcome and moochiness is no longer tolerated, it's nice to be able to live on my own and pay the bills. For some odd reason I enjoy the comforts of a dry place to sleep, indoor plumbing, and food I choose to buy and eat that is not from a dumpster (you dumpster divers who do not need to are really, extremely, certifiably weird).
As for "Black Friday," the family went to Target Thanksgiving night after 9 p.m. I've never purposely shopped on Black Friday, and technically it was Thursday, so I was surprised at how organized and FAST the experience was. Though we did hear that this morning was supposed to be lousy with people. As I am not the fondest of crowds of people milling about, the fewer amount of people, though still more that I'm truly comfortable with, was preferred. And I bought some movies and tried to keep my spending to a modest amount and was told that I'd saved $30. I thanked the person checking us out for sacrificing their Thanksgiving for working. She was very sweet, and apparently known to my sister and her family. Awesome! So, I was thankful that I was able to buy stuff on sale without a crushing crowd of jostling people while still receiving a sale price. I've shopped once late on Black Friday and on occasion the Saturday after and it's usually picked clean of the stuff I wanted. Sigh.
No, I didn't plan out the night and camp out and try to beat people to what I wanted. I wasn't even sure what I wanted, just that I was curious which movies they had on sale. So, bonus! Here's one of my general attitudes about life: if you have low expectations you are usually sure to wreak some enjoyment out of life. For example: seeing Batman and Robin for the first time was a very comedic experience that I enjoyed immensely. I'm fond of campiness in the movies and didn't expect much from the film when I went into the theater. I was the only one laughing and enjoying myself. Seriously, people, you expected more from a film with George Clooney as Batman? REALLY?
I spent some time in a mall on Friday, so now I have purposely shopped on Black Friday. I was successful in purchasing some knit gloves on the cheap from a store I don't usually go into. Is it bad that I ended up drooling, but not purchasing, inside a Lego store? Oh, so many, many sets that I don't have the funds for or space to keep. An actual Death Star? A very large R2-D2? Recommended for 16+? Oh, I definitely geeked out. And then left. I have some measure of self-control...and a budget. Again, I believe I've already mentioned I have my own place. I'd like to keep it that way. Maybe I should set aside some money every month just for splurging on those fun things. I will have to sacrifice some other luxury spending item, like maybe the DVD portion of my Netflix account, but I think I might enjoy the Legos more than the ability to not watch a DVD that's been sitting in my place for two months while still paying the monthly fee. Must think on it further....
Saturday, November 24, 2012
Tuesday, November 13, 2012
How To Use Jedi Mind Tricks In Real Life
I have a skill that involves convincing people of the opposite of what they want to do in favor of what I want to do. I'm serious. I have witnesses. I've even had someone quote after one of these events: "These are not the droids you're looking for."
The key is: confidence. If you are confident that what you're doing is the right thing people tend to believe you. Crazy, no? I've been told that I'm brave or that I have moxie or other adjectives such as those. I'm not. I freely admit that it's just bluster. I again refer to The King and I. This time, though, it has to do with the song "I Whistle A Happy Tune." It's not just a great number in that movie as it was also done quite funnily on "The Muppet Show" with guest star Julie Andrews. Good times!
My mother raised us on musicals and Star Trek, so that may explain my obsession with show tunes and space battles. Or not. And speaking of Star Wars, Mark Hamill also guested on "The Muppet Show," but I have a hard time watching that cringe-worthy episode. I can tell he's having a blast, and Gonzo as Darth Nader (as well as droid and Wookie special guest stars) is spectacular. But, wow, Mr. Hamill, you were a little over-OVER-excited.
Where was I? Oh, right: making believe I was brave. It probably helped that when I was younger (and even shorter) we had a musical toy that played the song, too. And tending to believe everyone who told me anything (I was super impressionable and an advertiser's dream when I went food shopping with family and quoted the television commercials and sang the jingles for name-brand products), I took it as truthful advice. I'm a coward at heart, but, really, who isn't? It's very easy to be terrified and do nothing. I've heard that bravery is being scared, but doing things anyway. I credit my drama classes in high school and the years of being over-dramatic in learning how to ACT brave, which is not the same thing as being brave. But I can be quaking in my boots and not have my knees knocking together. Yea!
I used to sing solos in church and was always so terrified that I had a very fast, very unnatural vibrato. After I graduated college one of my friends made me sing in church often enough so that I wasn't so scared anymore. I'm still more confident in singing duets and trios, but I no longer have the bad vibrato when I solo; enough so that after I sang in a church service with people who used to sit through my musical assaults one member of the congregation couldn't stop complimenting me on my improvement. ...Uh, thanks?
So when you find yourself suddenly agreeing with me when you didn't mean to, don't worry, you're not the first. And I promise to always use my powers for good. And when you've mastered the whole cause and effect thing and feel guilty that you're using it for your own benefit and no one else's, good. Don't do that again. If you are to be benefited by using such techniques, make sure you're doing it more for others than yourself. Your powers are great and you don't want to give into the Dark Side. I do possess a bumper sticker that one of my friends gave me that states: I was seduced by the chocolate side of the Force. I can tell you truly that I've never been tempted by the dark chocolate side, though. Ick. Too bitter.
Just remember, when someone is telling you you can't enter an area because they're closing the gates you can say, "Oh, it's okay. My friends and I need to catch the train and we'll miss it if we walk around. We just need to cut straight through and we can see that the gate on the other side is still open." If you smile and say it sweetly it is most effective. I've also convinced people that I didn't need to move my car out of a parking lot exit until the other car we were caravanning with drove by. However, the biggest lesson for me was when I knew that by inviting my father to go with me to the new grocery store it would result in his buying my food as well as his. I did it anyway and then felt horribly guilty for purposely using him as I'd hoped for that outcome. That was the last selfish time. I guess it helps that I only use the skill when it's unimportant and won't hurt anyone. I'm trying to be good and I don't actually like to inconvenience people. So maybe that's the secret, confidence and niceness. Well, I never said I was a Jedi Master (even if I have a badge from Walt Disney World's Star Tours that says differently). I'm really just a Padawan.
The key is: confidence. If you are confident that what you're doing is the right thing people tend to believe you. Crazy, no? I've been told that I'm brave or that I have moxie or other adjectives such as those. I'm not. I freely admit that it's just bluster. I again refer to The King and I. This time, though, it has to do with the song "I Whistle A Happy Tune." It's not just a great number in that movie as it was also done quite funnily on "The Muppet Show" with guest star Julie Andrews. Good times!
My mother raised us on musicals and Star Trek, so that may explain my obsession with show tunes and space battles. Or not. And speaking of Star Wars, Mark Hamill also guested on "The Muppet Show," but I have a hard time watching that cringe-worthy episode. I can tell he's having a blast, and Gonzo as Darth Nader (as well as droid and Wookie special guest stars) is spectacular. But, wow, Mr. Hamill, you were a little over-OVER-excited.
Where was I? Oh, right: making believe I was brave. It probably helped that when I was younger (and even shorter) we had a musical toy that played the song, too. And tending to believe everyone who told me anything (I was super impressionable and an advertiser's dream when I went food shopping with family and quoted the television commercials and sang the jingles for name-brand products), I took it as truthful advice. I'm a coward at heart, but, really, who isn't? It's very easy to be terrified and do nothing. I've heard that bravery is being scared, but doing things anyway. I credit my drama classes in high school and the years of being over-dramatic in learning how to ACT brave, which is not the same thing as being brave. But I can be quaking in my boots and not have my knees knocking together. Yea!
I used to sing solos in church and was always so terrified that I had a very fast, very unnatural vibrato. After I graduated college one of my friends made me sing in church often enough so that I wasn't so scared anymore. I'm still more confident in singing duets and trios, but I no longer have the bad vibrato when I solo; enough so that after I sang in a church service with people who used to sit through my musical assaults one member of the congregation couldn't stop complimenting me on my improvement. ...Uh, thanks?
So when you find yourself suddenly agreeing with me when you didn't mean to, don't worry, you're not the first. And I promise to always use my powers for good. And when you've mastered the whole cause and effect thing and feel guilty that you're using it for your own benefit and no one else's, good. Don't do that again. If you are to be benefited by using such techniques, make sure you're doing it more for others than yourself. Your powers are great and you don't want to give into the Dark Side. I do possess a bumper sticker that one of my friends gave me that states: I was seduced by the chocolate side of the Force. I can tell you truly that I've never been tempted by the dark chocolate side, though. Ick. Too bitter.
Just remember, when someone is telling you you can't enter an area because they're closing the gates you can say, "Oh, it's okay. My friends and I need to catch the train and we'll miss it if we walk around. We just need to cut straight through and we can see that the gate on the other side is still open." If you smile and say it sweetly it is most effective. I've also convinced people that I didn't need to move my car out of a parking lot exit until the other car we were caravanning with drove by. However, the biggest lesson for me was when I knew that by inviting my father to go with me to the new grocery store it would result in his buying my food as well as his. I did it anyway and then felt horribly guilty for purposely using him as I'd hoped for that outcome. That was the last selfish time. I guess it helps that I only use the skill when it's unimportant and won't hurt anyone. I'm trying to be good and I don't actually like to inconvenience people. So maybe that's the secret, confidence and niceness. Well, I never said I was a Jedi Master (even if I have a badge from Walt Disney World's Star Tours that says differently). I'm really just a Padawan.
Saturday, November 3, 2012
Trapping Stray Thoughts
I believe that we have more control over our minds than anyone could have thought possible. However, much of what we lack is discipline. I've been watching a lot of Star Trek Voyager these last few weeks and have seen some benefit of choosing to think like a Vulcan. Not the whole lack of emotion thing, because that's weird, but of being specific in the type of ways we think.
How many times have we heard about marriages breaking up because of affairs and the two participants stating: we couldn't help ourselves? It was meant to be. It was bigger than both of us. Yeah, right. There was a time where that attraction (which is FAR from inevitable) could have been nipped in the proverbial bud and made that particular possibility "inconceivable." First, why, oh why, would you think that someone who married is even eligible for your affection? I don't know about you, but I'd prefer a man who keeps his commitments and honors his promises. I think I'd lose respect for both him and me if we participated in the dissolution of a marriage. There are some women, sadly, who only crave men who are unavailable. Or if they desire being with a powerful man, a wife is inconsequential in their goal. Why?
I don't understand it. To me a married man is not connected to my dating pool. It's true that a married man doesn't have his guard up and is usually kinder than single guys who believe you're below their notice. And it can be nice to have someone of the opposite gender pay attention to you. HOWEVER, if you feel that you are becoming attracted to someone who is married, you have the ability to stop feeling those emotions. I know. I've done it. More than once. You just shut those feelings down and make sure you're never alone with that guy until it's as if you never felt any stirrings of emotion for them.
And it's probably easier to do that at the beginning than if you've obsessed about him, fantasized about things, etc. Here's another thing: my odd scruples about Hollywood crushes. Once a guy I think is dreamy has walked down that aisle, I have to give him up. I don't feel right lusting after a married man. To be fair, I try not to actually lust after any man because I think that's rather unhealthy...but I end the attraction when he's no longer available. Also, I end an attraction if I find out he's not interested in women. Sadly, several of my crushes have come out of the closet which makes me think I need some dating therapy (because, apparently, I am attracted to men who are a different type of "unavailable").
It's not easy being strict with your thoughts and emotions, but it is possible. It's not hard to let your emotions get the better of you, but you don't have to live life that way. I know there are still areas of my thought processes that could use improvement, like the part that cares too much of what other people think of me, or the thinking poorly about myself, or the perfectionist mentality that allows me to fail and do nothing because if I can't do it perfectly, why bother. So I know I have more challenges ahead of me. But I have worked hard on not thinking negatively about others when I'm out and about. So when I'm faced with thinking critically about a stranger on the street, as soon as I start a negative thought I drown it out by thinking of the Smurfs theme song from the cartoon years ago. It's annoying. I don't like it. And it's like aversion therapy. I haven't been running that song in my head very often recently because I'm training myself to not think about strangers negatively. Yea! It would be fabulous if I never had to think of that tune again. Of course, the la la la's are banging about it my head right now just writing about this. Ah, well.
So let me sum up: trap those stray thoughts and purge them before they lead to any inappropriate action. I'm always relieved when after I find myself starting down a questionable path that I retreat and go a different way. Backtracking is possible. No roads are inevitable or destiny or anything else that would excuse your lack of self-control. My behavior is mine and there are consequences in life. It's up to me to act in a way that the consequences would be positive instead of negative. It's also important to remember that when I fail, there's a way to come back. I believe in repentance and atonement with my full being and am grateful that clean slates are possible.
How many times have we heard about marriages breaking up because of affairs and the two participants stating: we couldn't help ourselves? It was meant to be. It was bigger than both of us. Yeah, right. There was a time where that attraction (which is FAR from inevitable) could have been nipped in the proverbial bud and made that particular possibility "inconceivable." First, why, oh why, would you think that someone who married is even eligible for your affection? I don't know about you, but I'd prefer a man who keeps his commitments and honors his promises. I think I'd lose respect for both him and me if we participated in the dissolution of a marriage. There are some women, sadly, who only crave men who are unavailable. Or if they desire being with a powerful man, a wife is inconsequential in their goal. Why?
I don't understand it. To me a married man is not connected to my dating pool. It's true that a married man doesn't have his guard up and is usually kinder than single guys who believe you're below their notice. And it can be nice to have someone of the opposite gender pay attention to you. HOWEVER, if you feel that you are becoming attracted to someone who is married, you have the ability to stop feeling those emotions. I know. I've done it. More than once. You just shut those feelings down and make sure you're never alone with that guy until it's as if you never felt any stirrings of emotion for them.
And it's probably easier to do that at the beginning than if you've obsessed about him, fantasized about things, etc. Here's another thing: my odd scruples about Hollywood crushes. Once a guy I think is dreamy has walked down that aisle, I have to give him up. I don't feel right lusting after a married man. To be fair, I try not to actually lust after any man because I think that's rather unhealthy...but I end the attraction when he's no longer available. Also, I end an attraction if I find out he's not interested in women. Sadly, several of my crushes have come out of the closet which makes me think I need some dating therapy (because, apparently, I am attracted to men who are a different type of "unavailable").
It's not easy being strict with your thoughts and emotions, but it is possible. It's not hard to let your emotions get the better of you, but you don't have to live life that way. I know there are still areas of my thought processes that could use improvement, like the part that cares too much of what other people think of me, or the thinking poorly about myself, or the perfectionist mentality that allows me to fail and do nothing because if I can't do it perfectly, why bother. So I know I have more challenges ahead of me. But I have worked hard on not thinking negatively about others when I'm out and about. So when I'm faced with thinking critically about a stranger on the street, as soon as I start a negative thought I drown it out by thinking of the Smurfs theme song from the cartoon years ago. It's annoying. I don't like it. And it's like aversion therapy. I haven't been running that song in my head very often recently because I'm training myself to not think about strangers negatively. Yea! It would be fabulous if I never had to think of that tune again. Of course, the la la la's are banging about it my head right now just writing about this. Ah, well.
So let me sum up: trap those stray thoughts and purge them before they lead to any inappropriate action. I'm always relieved when after I find myself starting down a questionable path that I retreat and go a different way. Backtracking is possible. No roads are inevitable or destiny or anything else that would excuse your lack of self-control. My behavior is mine and there are consequences in life. It's up to me to act in a way that the consequences would be positive instead of negative. It's also important to remember that when I fail, there's a way to come back. I believe in repentance and atonement with my full being and am grateful that clean slates are possible.
Sunday, October 21, 2012
Can you be in love with a language?
I love the English language. It fascinates me. There's always some new word to learn and its origin to explore. You'd think that since I loved my college class on the history of the English language that I might have pursued a linguistics degree instead of a straight English degree, but you'd be wrong. I hated school and straight English with no teaching was the program that would allow me to graduate the fastest. I think of my Bachelor of Arts as a badge of honor since I had to endure so many hours of torture to get it. I had dreams of becoming a writer and did my best to take the available writing courses, but the real purpose of that degree was to pump out critics. And contribute to more liberal arts degrees for kids who then have a hard time applying those skills in the real world.
Sure, having a degree in English would be a great base for moving on in schooling. In fact, I wish it were required for pre-law and premed. Lawyers and attorneys have a great knack for slaughtering the real meaning of words in their legalese until all legal documents don't make a lick of sense. They're counting on their ability to obfuscate their intentions so you agree to hand over your first born and perhaps an unneeded limb without realizing it. If only it were just explained in the fine print then it might still be legible with a magnifying glass. As for doctors, they really do need to have a better mastery of English. I was part of a local project to digitize medical abstracts from The Journal of the American Medical Association (JAMA) and was told that the digital version had to match what was printed and I was NOT ALLOWED to correct the grammar. That was torture. Not only could I not edit what really needed to be edited, I also learned about a lot of experiments on rats and mice which made me slightly ill. And not just because I am not fond of rodents.
I also struggle with corporate-ese. Do you know how many catch-phrases that the corporate world gloms onto that don't actually mean what they're intending to say? Engineers, particularly, often misuse words, but because none of them studied their own language enough the misuse is "the accepted standard." Horrifying. I've had arguments with them that the word doesn't mean that and they should use something else. Apparently Engineers are stubborn and would rather use a word incorrectly as a whole because that's what everybody else is using than fix it. I thought it was their job to fix things. Perhaps I'm wrong?
I have read a lot in my life. I love books and there have been times that I devoured them on a regular basis. Because of this much of my vocabulary was learned through reading. I've been accused of constant mispronunciation. Okay, but even if I'm saying it incorrectly, I know I'm using the right term. So, there.
Here's the thing, though: people struggle with what to call me based on my degree. It's true that I'm not a scientist, engineer, doctor, lawyer, athlete, teacher, etc. But I am NOT an "English Major." I was while I was getting my degree, but then I graduated. To continue calling me an English major seems as if I am constantly pursuing a formal education. I realize that there is no official term for a person that completed my program, otherwise you could call me an Englishist or Englisher. Neither of those terms exists (and one sounds like a swear word). So, perhaps you shouldn't refer to my degree as a definition for what I am, because it doesn't work. Please do, however, use the terms "educated" or even the apropos "underemployed." Ha!
I stand corrected! In using the spellcheck option before posting, Englishist was, indeed, not a term, but Englisher apparently is. I went to Dictionary.com and it says that the word means "a person who translates from a foreign language into English." So, yes, I am still learning about this complicated, frustrating, wonderful language. How marvelous!
Sure, having a degree in English would be a great base for moving on in schooling. In fact, I wish it were required for pre-law and premed. Lawyers and attorneys have a great knack for slaughtering the real meaning of words in their legalese until all legal documents don't make a lick of sense. They're counting on their ability to obfuscate their intentions so you agree to hand over your first born and perhaps an unneeded limb without realizing it. If only it were just explained in the fine print then it might still be legible with a magnifying glass. As for doctors, they really do need to have a better mastery of English. I was part of a local project to digitize medical abstracts from The Journal of the American Medical Association (JAMA) and was told that the digital version had to match what was printed and I was NOT ALLOWED to correct the grammar. That was torture. Not only could I not edit what really needed to be edited, I also learned about a lot of experiments on rats and mice which made me slightly ill. And not just because I am not fond of rodents.
I also struggle with corporate-ese. Do you know how many catch-phrases that the corporate world gloms onto that don't actually mean what they're intending to say? Engineers, particularly, often misuse words, but because none of them studied their own language enough the misuse is "the accepted standard." Horrifying. I've had arguments with them that the word doesn't mean that and they should use something else. Apparently Engineers are stubborn and would rather use a word incorrectly as a whole because that's what everybody else is using than fix it. I thought it was their job to fix things. Perhaps I'm wrong?
I have read a lot in my life. I love books and there have been times that I devoured them on a regular basis. Because of this much of my vocabulary was learned through reading. I've been accused of constant mispronunciation. Okay, but even if I'm saying it incorrectly, I know I'm using the right term. So, there.
Here's the thing, though: people struggle with what to call me based on my degree. It's true that I'm not a scientist, engineer, doctor, lawyer, athlete, teacher, etc. But I am NOT an "English Major." I was while I was getting my degree, but then I graduated. To continue calling me an English major seems as if I am constantly pursuing a formal education. I realize that there is no official term for a person that completed my program, otherwise you could call me an Englishist or Englisher. Neither of those terms exists (and one sounds like a swear word). So, perhaps you shouldn't refer to my degree as a definition for what I am, because it doesn't work. Please do, however, use the terms "educated" or even the apropos "underemployed." Ha!
I stand corrected! In using the spellcheck option before posting, Englishist was, indeed, not a term, but Englisher apparently is. I went to Dictionary.com and it says that the word means "a person who translates from a foreign language into English." So, yes, I am still learning about this complicated, frustrating, wonderful language. How marvelous!
Wednesday, October 3, 2012
Inevitable Imperfection
Some people worry that one day, maybe far in the future, maybe next week, that machines might actually take over the world. That movies like I, Robot and The Matrix trilogy are inevitable. You know what I say to that? Phooey! I'm sorry, but have you ever used a computer before? How often has your computer frozen or a program died for no apparent reason? Hmmm. Well, how about the fact that computers and computer programs are created and written by imperfect people? It doesn't matter how many times someone rechecks their work to find a flaw, there will be at least one if not many more. I've seen those jokes based on the premise: What if Microsoft was a car? And Apple has flaws, too. Or didn't you know that they have to sell a new phone every year because if you don't buy a new one with every release your phone will die because it's not that well-made (despite the hype and rabid following).
Feel free to be mad, but it's true. You could even call it planned obsolescence...but in some cases it's just flawed. My mother told me about how the Amish are so good at quilting that they purposely put a "mistake" in each quilt because only Heavenly Father can make something perfect. She was quite impressed with that. I tried not to giggle after she related the story (I can't remember if I was successful--there may have been a sarcastic laugh). Really? They think they're that good? Nowhere in that entire quilt is a flaw they didn't intend? It sounds more like pride than skill to me. But then, I know I'm not perfect.
I also know that no one else currently on Earth is perfect, either. So, imperfect parents raise imperfect children who grow up and have their own children that they also help flaw along in this world. So we should cut our parents some slack if they've tried their hardest to raise us the best way they knew how. For those parents that didn't try their hardest...or didn't ever try...or gave up a long time ago...that's all on them. Feel free to be mad in those types of situations, but you should probably seek therapy so you can stop being mad eventually. I guess that also means that if you make a mistake as a parent you're probably going to have to forgive yourself. And if you have any siblings, it's good to forgive them, too. Often brothers and/or sisters make mistakes or hurt you in ways they didn't intend, or as badly as it happened, or perhaps you were unaware of an issue and you're still getting blow back from it decades later. To my siblings: I'm sorry! Truly! Please forgive me!!!!!! I'm not the same person as when I was 6 or 10 or 14 or 18, so please somehow find a way to let it go. I probably didn't even mean it (hopefully). And I would like to forget it ever happened, but you keep reminding me. Ha ha.
So as the Borg, and now the Observers, say: resistance is futile. Of course, I prefer the Vogon's version: resistance is useless (just because I think they're hilarious). It's true that we can't escape being fallible. However, as in most things we do have a measure of control. I may have many flaws, but I still have a choice on how I deal with them--work at polishing them away through hard work and true change or by making them larger until I shatter from too many fissures and not enough substance. Stasis isn't possible and never has been. I will choose the polishing method. It may be a long and painful process, but I'm hoping the result will be worth it. Shiny!
Feel free to be mad, but it's true. You could even call it planned obsolescence...but in some cases it's just flawed. My mother told me about how the Amish are so good at quilting that they purposely put a "mistake" in each quilt because only Heavenly Father can make something perfect. She was quite impressed with that. I tried not to giggle after she related the story (I can't remember if I was successful--there may have been a sarcastic laugh). Really? They think they're that good? Nowhere in that entire quilt is a flaw they didn't intend? It sounds more like pride than skill to me. But then, I know I'm not perfect.
I also know that no one else currently on Earth is perfect, either. So, imperfect parents raise imperfect children who grow up and have their own children that they also help flaw along in this world. So we should cut our parents some slack if they've tried their hardest to raise us the best way they knew how. For those parents that didn't try their hardest...or didn't ever try...or gave up a long time ago...that's all on them. Feel free to be mad in those types of situations, but you should probably seek therapy so you can stop being mad eventually. I guess that also means that if you make a mistake as a parent you're probably going to have to forgive yourself. And if you have any siblings, it's good to forgive them, too. Often brothers and/or sisters make mistakes or hurt you in ways they didn't intend, or as badly as it happened, or perhaps you were unaware of an issue and you're still getting blow back from it decades later. To my siblings: I'm sorry! Truly! Please forgive me!!!!!! I'm not the same person as when I was 6 or 10 or 14 or 18, so please somehow find a way to let it go. I probably didn't even mean it (hopefully). And I would like to forget it ever happened, but you keep reminding me. Ha ha.
So as the Borg, and now the Observers, say: resistance is futile. Of course, I prefer the Vogon's version: resistance is useless (just because I think they're hilarious). It's true that we can't escape being fallible. However, as in most things we do have a measure of control. I may have many flaws, but I still have a choice on how I deal with them--work at polishing them away through hard work and true change or by making them larger until I shatter from too many fissures and not enough substance. Stasis isn't possible and never has been. I will choose the polishing method. It may be a long and painful process, but I'm hoping the result will be worth it. Shiny!
Wednesday, September 26, 2012
Please stop shattering my illusion of control
I have a working theory that anger is often the emotion we feel after someone has broken the illusion that we were in control. Of anything. Even as I kid I was angry when I didn't get what I wanted, but it's probably because I expected to get it because I thought I had some influence over the outcome. Yeah, that was a control issue, too.
So I'm truly at my happiest when I realize I'm not in control of things. I have some control over my own life...when I'm not at work. I cannot seem to control the outcome of me with other people, though. I'm still single because I have no influence at all on how or what boys think of me. It doesn't matter what I try, so I've stopped trying. I haven't given up, mind you, but I've stopped trying to be someone other than geeky ol' me. I can't pull off glamorous or mysterious. Nerdy, yes. Awkward, check. Lots and lots of friends who are girls who think I'm awesome and wonder why the boys are blind, and how!
I do have a temper. I don't like it one bit and I get angry at myself when I let my emotions get the best of me. It's because I've realized Once Again that I'm not as self-possessed as I'd like to be or even thought I was. Some people just go with the flow and appreciate their life just as it is. I am often unable to achieve that level of zen. I worry a lot. A LOT. My mother taught me that skill and I've kept it up with lots of practice. I'm hoping to get to a point when I'm rusty at it, but it hasn't happened yet.
But back to not being in control at work. I do have my tiny sphere of things-I-can-do-without-being-told-to-do-them, but those duties are in my job description and are expected. But sometimes, sometimes no one who makes the bigger decisions is around and someone else wants an answer ASAP. This is where I have not learned to let go of the decision. I get mad when someone asks me for permission for something and I say "no" because it's against policy, and then they go around me and ask the person who wasn't presently here so they can try to get a "yes." And if they get a "yes" it infuriates me. Because I tried to take control and I really didn't have it and why can't everyone say "no" so they'll stop trying to go above my head? Sigh. Note to self: don't ever make the decision yourself, be vague, and take your time getting back to them. Ha!
It's probably a good thing that I'm in a good place mentally as I write this. If I wrote it during an angry tirade I'd probably come off as petty and peevish. My anger is usually about the "I" of things. I didn't get the part I auditioned for and I think I'm a better actress than the one who did. I thought I was going to marry that boy who decided to choose someone else. I thought I told you "no" and that would be good enough and that you'd trust my judgement with that answer. You are purposely undermining me in front of everyone when you gave me the authority to make these kinds of decisions. "Et cetera, et cetera, et cetera." That's the second time I've quoted that line from Rodgers & Hammerstein's The King and I in a week's time (the 1956 musical with Yul Brynner and Deborah Kerr).
Does anyone else have this issue and anger/control? Is it just me? I can't be *that* unique. Somehow I've got to be just like the rest of humanity....
I have some friends who don't like to make decisions. This used to annoy me to no end when it was "their" turn to choose things like a place to eat or a movie to see. But now instead of being angry when they won't choose a restaurant when it's their turn, I've figured out a solution: offer them the choice of a place and if they can't think of one after a certain amount of time, make the decision yourself. If they felt strongly about anything in particular they should state it up front instead of making us drag it out of them after who knows how long. And if you're annoyed that your friends never let you choose what you want to do, you should make a decision on something BEFORE you get together so your wish can be made known. Okay? I always have a place in mind, but I was trying to be courteous and fair. Don't hate me because you can't assert yourself even when you're asked to, begged to, and/or expected to.
Just so we're clear, I'm not relinquishing all decision-making in my life to achieve a state of happiness, I'm just admitting that even when I make a choice that there's a possibility that it won't end up like I expected. I should have lower expectations...in some aspects of my life. I realized with the last boy I dated that my expectations were too low as far as the male species was concerned. So, higher expectations in the behavior of a guy I might like and lower expectations in general of any outcome whatsoever.
Well, I'll give it a try or three and hope for a better me.
So I'm truly at my happiest when I realize I'm not in control of things. I have some control over my own life...when I'm not at work. I cannot seem to control the outcome of me with other people, though. I'm still single because I have no influence at all on how or what boys think of me. It doesn't matter what I try, so I've stopped trying. I haven't given up, mind you, but I've stopped trying to be someone other than geeky ol' me. I can't pull off glamorous or mysterious. Nerdy, yes. Awkward, check. Lots and lots of friends who are girls who think I'm awesome and wonder why the boys are blind, and how!
I do have a temper. I don't like it one bit and I get angry at myself when I let my emotions get the best of me. It's because I've realized Once Again that I'm not as self-possessed as I'd like to be or even thought I was. Some people just go with the flow and appreciate their life just as it is. I am often unable to achieve that level of zen. I worry a lot. A LOT. My mother taught me that skill and I've kept it up with lots of practice. I'm hoping to get to a point when I'm rusty at it, but it hasn't happened yet.
But back to not being in control at work. I do have my tiny sphere of things-I-can-do-without-being-told-to-do-them, but those duties are in my job description and are expected. But sometimes, sometimes no one who makes the bigger decisions is around and someone else wants an answer ASAP. This is where I have not learned to let go of the decision. I get mad when someone asks me for permission for something and I say "no" because it's against policy, and then they go around me and ask the person who wasn't presently here so they can try to get a "yes." And if they get a "yes" it infuriates me. Because I tried to take control and I really didn't have it and why can't everyone say "no" so they'll stop trying to go above my head? Sigh. Note to self: don't ever make the decision yourself, be vague, and take your time getting back to them. Ha!
It's probably a good thing that I'm in a good place mentally as I write this. If I wrote it during an angry tirade I'd probably come off as petty and peevish. My anger is usually about the "I" of things. I didn't get the part I auditioned for and I think I'm a better actress than the one who did. I thought I was going to marry that boy who decided to choose someone else. I thought I told you "no" and that would be good enough and that you'd trust my judgement with that answer. You are purposely undermining me in front of everyone when you gave me the authority to make these kinds of decisions. "Et cetera, et cetera, et cetera." That's the second time I've quoted that line from Rodgers & Hammerstein's The King and I in a week's time (the 1956 musical with Yul Brynner and Deborah Kerr).
Does anyone else have this issue and anger/control? Is it just me? I can't be *that* unique. Somehow I've got to be just like the rest of humanity....
I have some friends who don't like to make decisions. This used to annoy me to no end when it was "their" turn to choose things like a place to eat or a movie to see. But now instead of being angry when they won't choose a restaurant when it's their turn, I've figured out a solution: offer them the choice of a place and if they can't think of one after a certain amount of time, make the decision yourself. If they felt strongly about anything in particular they should state it up front instead of making us drag it out of them after who knows how long. And if you're annoyed that your friends never let you choose what you want to do, you should make a decision on something BEFORE you get together so your wish can be made known. Okay? I always have a place in mind, but I was trying to be courteous and fair. Don't hate me because you can't assert yourself even when you're asked to, begged to, and/or expected to.
Just so we're clear, I'm not relinquishing all decision-making in my life to achieve a state of happiness, I'm just admitting that even when I make a choice that there's a possibility that it won't end up like I expected. I should have lower expectations...in some aspects of my life. I realized with the last boy I dated that my expectations were too low as far as the male species was concerned. So, higher expectations in the behavior of a guy I might like and lower expectations in general of any outcome whatsoever.
Well, I'll give it a try or three and hope for a better me.
Sunday, September 16, 2012
Why is it not okay to admit what you want?
As children we are trained to ask for what we want politely, though sometimes we'd say "pretty please with sugar on top" while maybe hopping up and down because we want it so much. Just pointing and saying "want" didn't work after age 2. Pointing and grunting was also discouraged.
So, tell me, when did it become not okay to admit that we want things? Why is part of the passage into "adulthood" often not being able to be honest with one another? If I am on a first date at a restaurant, I am NOT ordering a salad. That's not what I want to eat and if you wanted someone who actually wanted to eat salad for dinner you wouldn't have asked me out anyway. It's true that in the past I would have (secretly unhappily) ordered a salad as I heard that it's what you were supposed to do, but it's silly and I'm not doing it anymore. I'm also more self-possessed than I was years ago, so am not really interested in doing everything the way you're supposed to.
I am not allowed to utter the following phrases in a mixed company of singles: I would like to date, I would like to have a boyfriend, I would like to be married one day. Apparently, saying such things out loud is highly scandalous. Once you say anything close to that single men treat you like a pariah and you might as well have leprosy. Don't they also want to date, find someone to date exclusively, and then one day be married? So, why isn't it okay to say it? I didn't say I wanted to marry them in particular, I just would like to be married someday.
Yes, it's true that when I was in kindergarten I chased around a boy during recess and told him that I was going to kiss him. He was very good at running away. Poor thing, I probably scarred him for life. What I did take away from the experience, though, is that I am a coward at making first moves. When I finally caught him and I was in prime kissing position, I freaked out and let him go. I didn't chase him after that. My bluff had been called. It was many, many years after that when I was first kissed.
I think it is problematic of my faith that there are many more single women than men who regularly attend. This means that the men that do go, regardless of wealth or even if they are attractive, are consistently swarmed by women who would like to date them. Why choose just one woman when you can have an unofficial harem at your beck and call? This is to the guys' advantage, however, and they get asked out and have dinners cooked for them and if they do date exclusively and then break up, there's no proper waiting period before they're dating someone else.
I am never one of those girls on the arm of those guys who are dating. I'm more like that funny girl that everyone likes to be around but no one knows why they're still single (because no one is asking me out, genius). That's great that my friends think I'm awesome and they don't know who is good enough to set me up with. Just greeeeaaaaaaaaaaat. Again, I could date if I didn't care who it was or whether they were in my faith or not. But that's not me. Besides, I'd annoy any guy who was only occasionally religious as I am very much so. I'm about as straight-laced as you can get. So, yes, my dating options are limited and the older I get the sparser they become.
I also don't like to compete. So you won't find me joining the hopeful entourage of the very popular guys. I'll be in the fringe flirting heavily with guys who *aren't* being swarmed. This hasn't worked so far. I'll have to work up a new strategy, like being just me, but being emotionally available for whatever may or may not come. And asking my friends to set me up. Or putting up a dating profile on one of those sites. Yep, I think it's about that time.
So, tell me, when did it become not okay to admit that we want things? Why is part of the passage into "adulthood" often not being able to be honest with one another? If I am on a first date at a restaurant, I am NOT ordering a salad. That's not what I want to eat and if you wanted someone who actually wanted to eat salad for dinner you wouldn't have asked me out anyway. It's true that in the past I would have (secretly unhappily) ordered a salad as I heard that it's what you were supposed to do, but it's silly and I'm not doing it anymore. I'm also more self-possessed than I was years ago, so am not really interested in doing everything the way you're supposed to.
I am not allowed to utter the following phrases in a mixed company of singles: I would like to date, I would like to have a boyfriend, I would like to be married one day. Apparently, saying such things out loud is highly scandalous. Once you say anything close to that single men treat you like a pariah and you might as well have leprosy. Don't they also want to date, find someone to date exclusively, and then one day be married? So, why isn't it okay to say it? I didn't say I wanted to marry them in particular, I just would like to be married someday.
Yes, it's true that when I was in kindergarten I chased around a boy during recess and told him that I was going to kiss him. He was very good at running away. Poor thing, I probably scarred him for life. What I did take away from the experience, though, is that I am a coward at making first moves. When I finally caught him and I was in prime kissing position, I freaked out and let him go. I didn't chase him after that. My bluff had been called. It was many, many years after that when I was first kissed.
I think it is problematic of my faith that there are many more single women than men who regularly attend. This means that the men that do go, regardless of wealth or even if they are attractive, are consistently swarmed by women who would like to date them. Why choose just one woman when you can have an unofficial harem at your beck and call? This is to the guys' advantage, however, and they get asked out and have dinners cooked for them and if they do date exclusively and then break up, there's no proper waiting period before they're dating someone else.
I am never one of those girls on the arm of those guys who are dating. I'm more like that funny girl that everyone likes to be around but no one knows why they're still single (because no one is asking me out, genius). That's great that my friends think I'm awesome and they don't know who is good enough to set me up with. Just greeeeaaaaaaaaaaat. Again, I could date if I didn't care who it was or whether they were in my faith or not. But that's not me. Besides, I'd annoy any guy who was only occasionally religious as I am very much so. I'm about as straight-laced as you can get. So, yes, my dating options are limited and the older I get the sparser they become.
I also don't like to compete. So you won't find me joining the hopeful entourage of the very popular guys. I'll be in the fringe flirting heavily with guys who *aren't* being swarmed. This hasn't worked so far. I'll have to work up a new strategy, like being just me, but being emotionally available for whatever may or may not come. And asking my friends to set me up. Or putting up a dating profile on one of those sites. Yep, I think it's about that time.
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