Consequences

Every choice we make affects someone or something else. I want you to know that you are never choosing just for you. Ever. And we choose so many times in a day. The "Butterfly Effect" does, in fact, apply to us, but *we're* not a butterfly flapping it's wings which might eventually lead to a massive storm halfway across the world. Our actions and choices usually have a more immediate effect.

It is true that we cannot always choose what happens to us (though sometimes we're in denial that it was our choices that may have gotten us in that position), but you can ALWAYS choose how you react or, better yet, act in those situations. Happiness can be a choice before it leads to a state of being. Lying can be a habit (which should be broken immediately - nothing good ever comes from deceit). But do you know what's the best thing you can do for everyone, even if it doesn't seem like it: taking responsibility for your actions/choices/attitude/whatever it is.

I find it interesting that around the same time that I lost my patience with my coworker's behavior was right around the time that my company also lost patience. I did my best to keep my ranting away from work so I wouldn't affect how I did my job. I also got the message that even if she was treating me in a horrible fashion, I should still be nice and kind and try to remember that God loves her, too. That was hard. Really difficult. But our last two working days together were the best we'd had in awhile. And then she was gone.

It had to be done, even though our company knew letting her go would affect her life adversely, as well as the efficiency of our office. But keeping her would have affected even more people in a negative manner. Some people at work seem to assume that I'm glad that she's gone and that I'm ecstatic or something, but it's not true. Yes, I'm relieved and my mood is lighter, but I also feel guilt. Guilt that I could have done better in my handling of the situation and guilt that I'm relieved at her absence. I also feel sadness for her. I know she's going to be struggling.

Never taking responsibility for anything was a major problem. I missed the blowup and blowout as I was sick at home that day. So I've only heard that she accused me of extremely bad behavior in a last-ditch effort *after* being terminated. I am not surprised. And I am glad that no one believed her.

I used to be more like her than I want to admit. True, I was much younger (think early to middling school years), but I did see myself in her. It was a version of myself that I'm trying hard not to resemble anymore. So, don't think I didn't have empathy and sympathy for her. I guess you could say that I was like that until I finally became self-aware. That I realized that being proud and snotty was the real reason that I couldn't keep a friend for longer than one school year and why I no longer had any friends at church. I shudder when I think back to those days when I was horrible. And the realization that *I* was the reason behind my own unhappiness and misery was a very bitter pill to swallow.

I do remember that it was during high school that I starting analyzing who I was and why I did things or even wanted to do things. I would compare that to what I wanted to do and be. And then I knew I had to change. It has been a long, hard road to get to where I am now and there's lots more road for me to work down. I did have a slip-up about eight years ago when I let the difficulties of my home life (at the time) dictate my very poor behavior and short fuse at work. I am grateful that they didn't fire me at that time. And working with this girl gave me a glimpse of what my coworkers dealt with all those years ago. But it worked out differently for me. Partly because I had been kinder before, partly because I moved myself out of the bad roommate issue, and lastly because they changed who I worked with. It gave me a fresh start to prove myself anew. And *that* is why no one believed her now.

I hope that she will finally become self-aware. That she learns that her behavior and attitude are a major part of her own issues both personal and professional. That she will strive and succeed at changing herself. And, finally, that she will own the consequences of her behavior and not try to shift it to anyone else ever again. I'm keeping her in my prayers for now.

Moral Ambiguity

Is it legal and/or moral to have your coworker committed? Please say "yes." It's horrible that I'm even writing about this issue, but this is why I *have* this platform. It just would have worked better if I hadn't told some of my family/friends/coworkers about the blog and what my pen name is.

Yes! I've finally gotten that off my chest! Dee Templeton is not my real name. But it *is* a pseudonym. So, I consider myself sort of like Samuel Langhorne Clemens, Amantine Lucile Aurore Dupin, or even Charles Lutwidge Dodgson. Now, I am definitely NOT comparing myself to their writing ability. I shudder that I would even think myself so proud!!! However, they felt the need to write under a pen-name...and so do I. 

I work for a small company, in a smallish big city, with a very unique name (mine, not the city's). See the problem? If I actually wrote under my real name and anyone decided to Google me, then everyone would know about the blog. So I keep everything general (if you haven't noticed already), because the more specific I get, the more possible it might be that I could be fired, or that my mom might find the blog and feel betrayed/upset/hurt and I really don't want those things to happen.

This blog is my confessional. And because I feel safe from censure at work, I'm more honest than I probably should be while sending out my thoughts into the blogosphere. I send them out not really expecting any readership, so it's odd that people read it when they don't know me. And I've concerned a couple of family members a little bit with what I have confessed.

I am not perfect. I am not married. Most of my close friends have gotten married and moved on or live too far away to spend a ton of time with. I live on my own. I'm not allowed to have pets, unless it's fish. I'm sick a lot. I'm female. And I need to talk to someone. ANYONE (except maybe for the last therapist I tried)!

But, as you know, sometimes you just want to vent. To just get out the ickyness you're feeling. So then you can try to get rid of it. Sometimes vocalizing (or writing) about your feelings can help you see how wrong they might be, or where you need to work on letting something go.

So, yes, I feel the need to vent about my coworker and I apologize to anyone who actually a) knows me and/or b) works with me. I don't need to burden you with too much personal information about my difficult workmate.

I'll just say this: I've had a roommate a lot like this coworker. The other roommates and I made this roommate go to therapy. I spent too much sympathy and empathy on this person and had nothing left to give when I moved out. I don't want to be sucked in to anything like that again. It's impossible not to get sucked into the new coworker's drama and issues, because sometimes you unwittingly participate. I have less sympathy and empathy for her with every passing day. I'm getting close to telling her things I know will make her mad. So, instead of suggesting, "hey, maybe you should wait until your manager is back before going forward on this project," I might be telling her, "no. Don't ask that other manager to approve your work." And then also tell that manager not to approve anything, either.

But today, because I got embroiled in her mess, I'm just frustrated. And angry. And now she can blame me for some of what happened, even though I thought I was being oh, so careful about not being liable for any of the work she was doing. And it completely sucks that I feel responsible for my part in it. I offered help to fix the issue and she refused to accept it. And I know she's going to narc on me to her manager. Who is a good friend of mine, by the way. So she knows about this blog. And I'm sorry if you ever read this, manager/friend, that I badmouthed your employee. I also regret that any of you might actually know who this person is. Because I'm not being Christian. I'm not being understanding and loving. I'm done being patient and giving the benefit of the doubt when all I've gotten in return in smiles or grumpiness in front of my face and all kinds of complaints about me behind my back. How does one deal with this issue?

This is why I want her to be committed: so she can grow up, get the help she needs, and be out of my hair.

I'm not proud of myself for feeling this way and I don't want to. But, like I said, I just needed to get it out of my head and somewhere where I could see it and get to a place where I can change my attitude. I'm not there yet, obviously, but the "word vomit" was a start. And, yes, I think I need to go watch Mean Girls now.

Dee out!

Somethings and Nothings

So, a few somethings have happened since I wrote last, but also a bunch of nothings. I went to a family reunion and spent time with all of my siblings, their spouses, their children, and our parents. We went to a beach, which was great! I only wish I'd had more energy to go more than the one time. I also wasn't able to participate in the "talking until all hours of the morning" thing we usually do whenever we get together. Many of us live faaaaaaar away from each other, so we don't see each other all that often. And it's fun chatting until 2 a.m., until you're super grumpy the next day (or just listless) and then you have a nap so you can stay up late again. I just felt tired the entire time and limited what I was doing. I was amazed at my sisters' ability to go, go, go.

All in all, though, I had a fabulous time. I hope we can do it again in the next couple of years!

It didn't feel like I was gone from work all that long, but oh the pile of work that awaited me when I got back. It's amazing, don't you think, that if people read your out-of-office email response that they can be patient when you're gone. But as soon as you get back...it doesn't matter how many emails you have to go through, people always assume that you've read theirs and fixed whatever concerns they had by 9 a.m. the first day. And when you haven't, then they send more emails and call you. Constantly.

Also, since I've had to be pulled into a meeting with three managers and the new co-worker, I've been a little more open about how "training" is going. I guess I was trying to be all patient and giving her the benefit of the doubt. She, however, was complaining to the managers about how I wasn't helping her. Vocal enough to warrant a surprise meeting. It was a surprise to me, alright! Wha? So, we set some guidelines; none of which she is currently following.

She's interesting, you know? And apparently still bad-mouthing me. So, I had a chat with one of the managers because I didn't know if I was going to need to talk to Human Resources (HR) before anything disciplinary happened on my end because of her complaints. Then I had a mini-meeting with only two of the managers. Yes, they know I'm trying. And we discussed tactics on how to get her to come to me instead of them. After this week, she's *finally* catching on about that. But, instead of ordering me to do her work on occasion, now she is sweetly asking if I could "help" her out, usually by completely doing everything for her. So, I "helped" her only one time, but she's supposed to do the work and then I check it. I'm not supposed to do her work FOR her. Sigh.

She believes she's set for life at the job. I still don't know how long she'll last. There's only so many constant mistakes you can make, even during training, that might lead to your dismissal. She hasn't learned that yet. Or to write things down. And then denies that she was ever taught something because she would have remembered...without writing it down. And I can never ever EVER tell her about this blog.

But enough about work! I'm off from work today so I can do super fun things. Which will start happening in a little over an hour. I'd better get ready.

We *are* good enough!

Today has been a good day. This morning as I was walking to church a man waiting at a bus stop asked me if anyone had told me today that I was beautiful. I laughed and said no, and thank you. Then he told me to keep smiling. He didn't need to do that for me, but how nice for him to brighten someone else's day simply because he could!

Church was very moving and I always love going. Something has stayed with me today, though: the concept that we are good enough to accomplish tasks we are given. I believe in a loving, higher power. I believe that this life isn't all there is. I also believe in an adversarial force that does not want us to have faith in ourselves or others. It goes right back to believing the bad that people say about us and not the good.

How often have I discounted the nice things people say? I'd always pass it off as "oh, they say that to everyone" or "you have to say that because you're my (insert relationship here)." Sometimes it's hard to take a compliment. And I'm the kind of person who wants to compliment you right back for being sweet. Oh, you like my shoes today? Well, I think your hair looks fabulous! But when we don't believe the things that people are complimenting us on, it's awkward to be praised. You really think I sing well? But I'm not really trained. You think my clothes look trendy? But I was a fashion victim most of my life. Are you sure? Are you sure you've got the right person?

Someone tried to prank call me when I was in high school. You know, the heavy breather type? "Hey, I think you're sexy and I like your body," he said in a gravelly voice (it must have been someone I knew who was trying to disguise his voice). Here's how I responded: "Really, have you seen me? Do you need glasses?" Yes, I really asked that. I think I also asked him if he had the right number, but he did say my name at one point, so I guess his call was intentional. He only called a couple of times. And there was that one phone call in the middle of the night that my uber-fabulous younger sister answered when I yelled at her not to. Dad had said all late-night calls get answered by him. Anyway, she answered while half asleep and when Dad asked her who that was, she said it was for me, Dee, and some guy wanted me to meet him at a hotel. A booty call via my little sister? Classy. I have no idea who it was, nor do I ever need to know. Though I am quite curious as to what would have transpired if my dad had answered....

So, yes, I don't usually believe compliments. I've mentioned it before and I still need to work on it. I don't think my mom meant to make me feel ugly and fat and unattractive to all boys, but when she would comment that boys would like me better if I were thinner and dressed better and wore makeup, well that tends to make one feel decidedly unpretty. I think she was trying to figure out why they weren't asking me and figured it was an "exterior" and not an "interior" issue. Though, she has also said that for years I was socially awkward. But it didn't matter anyway as the boys continued not asking me out. Again, I get more improper advances from inappropriate men than I get asked out on legitimate dates. So it's refreshing when a man I don't know just says I'm beautiful without having an agenda.

Also, joining eHarmony and being told by the site "you're too picky by asking to be matched with people who also don't drink (although asking for non-smokers is apparently okay)" and having only one guy be interested and then lose interest, is a confidence killer. I hate cyber dating. The sting of not being picked hasn't lessened with age. It's okay, though. I wasn't really interested in that guy, either.

So, I am going to believe Mr. Random Man on the Street that I'm beautiful. And it doesn't matter if people look down on me because I don't have a fancy job. My job title is not indicative of who I am and what I'm capable of. And it's okay if I'm not great at any particular one thing...because the fact that I'm not bad at a lot of things can be pretty impressive in itself. So I'm good enough to be me. AND you're good enough to be you! See how wonderful we are?

To Go or Not to Go to Comic Con?

I grew up going to the local medieval festival every summer. It was marvelous. When I was young I dressed all the way up. The older I got, the less I dressed up to go. First, there's an issue with renting a costume (as the only ones that would fit my frame left little to the imagination in the bodice region). Second, it's HOT in the summer, even at the beginning, in the southern part of the States. By the time I moved from there I was just trying to look cute in shorts, a short-sleeved modest shirt, sandals, and tons of sunscreen. Did I mention that I get sunburned every day on my short walk to and from work? Well, except in winter when I'm walking home in the twilight hours.

So, now that I can't go to that fabulous faire anymore, I've turned my thoughts to Comic Con. Hey, people dress up to go...and it's air conditioned and no fear of sunburn at all! But I want to go as me. No costume. No fan girl t-shirt. No asking anyone to autograph any body parts. They're having one in my area soon, so I wouldn't have to pay to travel or stay in a hotel. Yay, because I'm money-poor. Ha ha! But I've hesitated in buying my tickets in case I got that job. But I haven't heard anything, so I'm pretty sure that I'm not starting a new position on August 5th. Don't worry, I'm completely okay with not getting that one. Apparently, the higher you get in the admin track the more stress they advertise in the job posting. I think there's something wrong with a society that burns out people quickly while not really paying them enough to take away their health and well-being (which was advertised upfront).

So, here's my conundrum: do I buy a one-day Saturday ticket or a three-day Thursday to Saturday ticket and ask for the time off? I've never been to one and I wouldn't mind getting my "feet wet" in the sci-fi convention arena. But taking off two days from work is very extremely appealing. My only exposure to said conventions would be in the movies, like Galaxy Quest, or television, like when Jonathan Frakes directed that Castle episode or when George Takei was on Psych. Obviously, this is not the "real" Comic Con in L.A., but enough people have signed up that they've already had to change the venue...to within walking distance of where I live. Score! So, does anyone know what going to a comic/sci-fi convention as a newbie is like? Would wearing normal, casual clothes be more shocking than a costume? I do have a friend who already has her three-day pass, money saved up, and fan girl t-shirts planned. I hope she's not embarrassed by me where she will completely fit in and I will not....

Oh, and the other option is buy the pricey three-day pass that gets you a swag bag and one "free" autograph or photo op. That's the one I'm leaning towards. But then, who do I choose to get my picture taken with or an autograph from? Decisions, decisions.

If anyone has any advice, please chime in!

Wheeeeeeeeeeee!

I realize that some of you will not recognize that movie quote. Imagine an Austrian girl, in the rain, after just having her first kiss with a boy we'll call "Rolfe." Okay, so I'm nowhere near Austria, I'm not 16 going on 17, nor was there a boy OR a kiss. But that's exactly the mood I'm currently in.

What a change one single phone call can make! I got a call near the end of this afternoon about that job I applied for in late June. Apparently the phone interview went well because they'd like to see me late Monday afternoon for a face-to-face.

I have homework, though. I have to take several assessments on how proficient I am on Microsoft Office Suite and how fast I type. I will do my best not to roll my eyes when I'm taking them. It doesn't matter who programs those lovely chestnuts, they always favor one way of using Office, but here's the catch: it could favor a) shortcut keys, b) right mouse clicks, or c) menus/ribbon. Oddly, these tests only allow for one right answer and until you answer a couple you're not sure what they're looking for. Since there's so many ways to do one type of thing, shouldn't it allow you to use your favorite rather than only theirs?

So, yes, it's possible that after all the testing that they may not want me. It's possible if they still want me that I may not accept. But for the moment, one blissful, happy weekend, I could dream of a job that I could start August 5th.

They said that out of the 200 resumes, I was number one "for what it's worth." I told them I was honored. I bet they say that to all the applicants, but it was sooooo nice to hear!

So, my weekend plans have expanded: grocery shopping (because I'm on my last roll of toilet paper...and I have no food), testing, and perhaps taking out the trash. I'm really hoping my super ecstatic cloud of happiness will help me NOT be sick all weekend. I may even get to add more things to the list, like "finish the next-to-last chapter."

You'll have to excuse me as I'm now going to pay attention to some children learning to sing with the help of their new governess.

On Dreaming

So, I've been having more frustration dreams than usual. This is not fun. But now they've turned scarier and bloomed into frustration nightmares. Believe me, there's a difference. I do not enjoy the panic and fear I'm experiencing. And the "wonderful" thing about them is that they're right before I wake up, so I end up remembering them better. This morning's treat was having a friend tell me that my brother died and my parents not wanting to double check the info, even though he reportedly died in a military hospital on a base. After I told my mom that I saw a look of shock cross her face...and then I woke up. I was so upset my brother died and no one had informed his family! So that feeling stayed with me a little bit until I could calm down and convince myself it was a dream. When a dream wakes you up it can take a little bit to leave that dreaming place and settle back into reality.

But I've been doing lucid dreaming for years, so why did I not a) realize I was dreaming so b) I could change it?

And should I mention a dream of a leaping attack of anger that my mind played out only a week ago? I was so enraged against a co-worker who was criticizing my job and trying to convince our boss to hire the daughter of a friend that I leapt to the attack; not unlike a big game cat and their prey. I was screeching/yelling, as well. The dream fast forwarded a bit, so I was aware of the attack and still seething, but my boss made me do penance: by having me hire the young girl to work with us. My conscious self is very disturbed by that incident that never happened. I would never, ever do something like that for real. But a part of myself is very stressed and apparently very angry.

It may be time to actually start going to therapy. But anti-depressants and therapy are merely treating the symptoms of the larger problem of my job. Altering my dosage and/or learning how to handle stress better will not change the nature of what I do, how much I do, and what the company expects. I stay because I've had stable employment for almost a decade and the job market isn't great. I wish I had the ability to just walk away.

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I started writing this on July 11th, but had to stop due to the sheer emotionality I was feeling that day. I have not remembered any frustration dreams the last few mornings, but I'm so tense when I go to bed that it takes awhile to fall asleep. And it shouldn't.

I have applied for a new job, but one of the hiring managers is out until August 5th and the job is still open for people to apply. I applied on the third day it was posted, late last month. So, I have to keep that at the back of my mind as thinking about it at work isn't productive and will drive me batty.

I did something yesterday that I think I will have to keep doing: I gave myself permission to fail. I'm the kind of perfectionist who likes to do things right and well. If I can't do them right and/or well, I tend not to do them at all. Anyone who has seen my apartment would know that I'm not perfect at cleaning. One of my managers said a couple of weeks ago that I'm harder on myself than any of them are. I don't like disappointing people and so I get frustrated when I think I might have let someone down. So, now I'm allowed to fail. I can make mistakes and fix them if and when necessary. It's okay to not be perfect.

My job today went better. But that could be the lack of sleep? What does it matter, as long as it works. New goal: don't be so high strung and it will be okay if my work quality goes down if my stress lessens and productivity goes up. Crossing fingers and toes.